Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I borrowed them for awhile from J.R.R. Tolkein and I promise to return them with minimal psychological damage.
Author's Note: I noticed that there are few fanfics out there about Galadriel and Celeborn. The fics that are about these two are usually pretty serious. So, I took it upon myself to take these two stiff necks and turn them into a source of ridicule. *smiles innocently* I wondered what would happen if Celeborn noticed that the romance was gone from his marriage and it evolved into this nice little piece of insanity. All of the characters are very OOC (especially Celeborn) throughout the entire story. Enjoy!
An Elf Lord Has Needs
Chapter 1: An Elf Lord Has Needs
The midnight hours in Lothlórien were said to be more beautiful and serene than anywhere else in Middle Earth. Pale beams of pristine moonlight shone through any gaps among the mallorn trees and caused the summer green leaves to glisten like pure silver. The elven kingdom was silent, save the gentle lapping of the Nimrodel along the borders, as its inhabitants all slept.
Well…not all of them slept…
Celeborn, Lord of Lothlórien and husband to Galadriel, sat upright in his bed. His eyes held no traces of sleep, and it was obvious from the dark circles under those eyes that he hadn't slept well in many nights. An open book lay in his hands, though his mind was clearly not on his reading. Celeborn's thoughts, which confused him too much to allow him to rest, were bent on his wife who slept soundly on the other side of the bed with her back to him. Celeborn sighed audibly as he watched Galadriel. She wore a nightdress that covered every square inch of her body and her long golden locks had all been swept up into curlers.
*When exactly did she start wearing curlers to bed?* The elven lord thought curiously.
The new observation of Galadriel's latest hair accessories caused Celeborn's thoughts to become even more confusing. With a slight reluctance over disturbing his sleeping wife, Celeborn cleared his throat. Galadriel stirred slightly, but did not wake. Celeborn cleared his throat louder. His wife still did not leave her dreams. Getting a bit annoyed, Celeborn grabbed Galadriel's shoulder and shook it.
"Galadriel?"
Galadriel mumbled something about rings and dark queens in her sleep, rolled on her back, and began to snore in a way that would drown out Mt. Doom itself. At this point, Celeborn was just plain disgusted. Throwing his elvish dignity out the window, he kicked his wife hard enough to throw her off the bed and onto the floor.
In an instant, the Queen of Lothlórien woke up with a snort and sprang to her feet. She glared at her husband in a way that would make even a Balrog cower in fear. If Celeborn had any common sense, he would probably have beaten a hasty retreat then and there. However, he sat where he was, his eyes transfixed on the comical site of Galadriel's curlers hanging in disarray among a rat's nest of golden hair. It was then that Celeborn did something that only happened once every few millennia; he snorted with repressed laughter.
This only caused Galadriel's face to somehow grow even more cross. "If you have a valid excuse for awakening me in the middle of the night, Celeborn, then I demand you state it now; lest you wish to spend every night for the rest of your immortal life outside."
Celeborn quickly regained his composure and stared at his fuming wife solemnly as he declared the leading question that plagued his mind. "Galadriel, do you believe that the romance has left our marriage?"
Of all the things that Galadriel had expected her husband to say, that was definitely not one of them. She stared at Celeborn in open mouthed shock.
"You woke me up at this ungodly hour to ask me THAT?" She hissed. "Could this not have waited until the morning?"
"No, Galadriel. I fear that unless this question is answered now, I shall never sleep peacefully again. I must know if what I believe is true."
"Of all the moronic…" Galadriel grumbled under her breath as she crawled back into bed and turned away from her husband. "I believe your wisdom has failed you, Celeborn, if you fear such trivial matters. The shadows spread out of Mordor like a plague and destroys all in its path. Our kingdom and all the elves within our borders will fall if we do not prevail. Yet your thoughts are not on our people, but on the lack of romance in our marriage!"
"Ah!" Celeborn pointed an accusing finger at his wife's back. "So you admit that our marriage has lost its romance!"
"I said no such thing!" Galadriel snapped back before burying her curler topped head in a pillow. "Now I wish to return to sleep."
"Can you not at least listen to my reasoning?" the elven lord pleaded as he lifted the pillow off of his wife.
"No!" she growled and grabbed the pillow back.
Celeborn sighed. "Then will you please humor me for a moment?"
"Fine!" a very exasperated Galadriel pulled the pillow off of her head, but did not face her husband. "If humoring you for a moment will quiet you down and allow me to sleep, then go ahead."
"Do you think you could at least look at me? It is very disconcerting to speak to your back."
"No."
Seeing as how this was probably as good as the situation was going to get, Celeborn did not argue further.
"Tell me," he began. "When did we conceive Celebrian?"
"What?" Galadriel paused for a moment, trying to recall the past few Ages and when their only child was born. "It is too late at night for me to remember the exact date. It was some time during the First Age."
"That was over eight thousand years ago."
"So?"
"Do you recall if we have made love at any time since then?"
"I do not remember. And I can not believe that you could be thinking of something like that right now."
Galadriel pulled the covers over her head in an attempt to block out the sound of Celeborn's voice. She had thought that allowing him to speak his mind a bit would calm him down and allow her to return to sleep. Instead, indulging him was only making his annoying questions multiply.
Celeborn scowled at his wife who was feigning sleep in an attempt to shut him up. "Well I do remember. And the answer is never. We have not had sex in over eight thousand years! That just is not right!"
"How is that not right!?" Galadriel threw the covers off and sat up, forgetting that she was supposed to be pretending to be asleep, as she yelled at her husband. "We are the Lord and Lady of Lórien! We value the safety and prosperity of our kingdom and are thus above pleasures of the flesh!"
Celeborn grumbled under his breath. "I may be Lord of Lórien, but I still have needs."
"What!?"
"I said nothing."
"I heard very well what you said!" Galadriel bellowed in a voice that made Sauron himself sound like bird's song.
"I do not see why you should care!" Celeborn snarled back. "All you care about is your duties to your people! You care nothing for your duties to your husband!"
Below their bedroom, someone began pounding on the ceiling and cursing inventively in Quenya. "Keep it down up there! The rest of us are trying to sleep!"
"Shut up!" Both Lord and Lady yelled to the floor.
Celeborn instantly returned his attention to his enraged wife and glared at her menacingly. "I demand that you show me the proper respect that is your duty as my wife! You may bear the ring, Nenya, but I am your husband and better!"
Galadriel backed away from Celeborn. Nenya began to grow brightly on her fingers as dark shadows passed over her face, making her appear larger and fiercer. In an impossibly deep voice for a woman she bellowed. "You dare to order me?!"
* * *
As dawn crept over the elven kingdom of Lórien, Haldir yawned and stretched as he made his way to Celeborn and Galadriel's audience chamber for his daily orders. As he reached the top of the stairway, he was surprised to see a figure curled up next to the door leading to the Lord and Lady's private chambers. Upon closer inspection, Haldir was shocked to discover that the figure was a very roughed up Celeborn. The elven lord had an expression on his face that looked as though he had been thrown to a pack of famished wargs.
Sensing that someone was near, Celeborn's eyes cleared and he woke. Noticing that Haldir was staring at him with an expression that revealed both surprise and humor, the elven lord immediately felt chagrined at being seen.
"Galadriel kicked me out," he replied weakly.
Haldir nodded and, to Celeborn's unfathomable relief, did not comment. The blonde guard had learned from experience that whenever Galadriel got angry, it was best for one's health to not say anything.