Lali Ho! Of Dwarves In Flying Tanks

In the underworld...

"Hm, where should we loot and pillage first," wondered Golbez, Clad in the Dark.

"LALI HO!"

"LALI HO!"

"LALIIIII HOOOOOO!"

Yes, this little castle would do nicely.

"OMG," said King Giott. "I love your flying tanks!"

Golbez, Clad in the Dark, replied with an ominous "..."

"Can I help you with anything? Put you up for the night? Fluff your pillows?"

"..."

"Help you find your way? We love tourists! Not that we have many."

"...Where are the dark crystals?"

"Dark crystals? Let me draw you a map."

"Kthanxbye," replied Golbez succinctly as he flew off with the Red Wings and immediately seized two dark crystals.

Giott responded with an ominous "!"

He had totally not seen that coming!

"So, some bad men came from a kingdom above, in airships, and they took two of the dark crystals, using their airships, so that's why we're currently shooting at those airships?" Luca asked her kingly father.

Giott was peering over the battlements for any signs of evildoers. "Yes. And they're flying tanks, dearest."

"No, they're not, daddy. The bad man said they were airships. He actually buzzed the castle just to correct you on that point. People with airships are very bad people, aren't they?"

"That seems to be the case, dearest. But they're called flying tanks, lali."

A dwarven soldier appeared!

"Sir, another airship has entered the battle!" he announced. "It looks the same as all the other airships down to the last detail! It even has 'Red Wings' stenciled on the side! Should we engage?"

The king got all excited. "Another flying tank! Well, I bet they're good guys, then. Let's invite them in!"

"..." said the soldier.

"..." said Luca.

"I had a good feeling!" said Giott.

"Hi," said Cecil, Paladin of the Light.

Giott was still all excited.

"LALI HO! Sorry for the friendly fire, we were aiming for the other guys."

Cecil coughed into his gauntleted fist. "Ahem. You're probably wondering who we are and where we hail from, and if we might possibly be affiliated with the other overworlders with airships who came here to steal your crystals."

"Not really."

"Oh, good." Cecil glanced at Rosa, as if to say I told you so. Rosa just gave him one of her Looks.

"Anyway," Cecil went on. "Let me introduce ourselves. I'm Cecil, Paladin of the Light, I used to work for Golbez, Clad in the Dark; this buff man is Yang, a monk who sneezes a lot, ACHOO!; the fellow in the dark forbidding armour is Kain, who also used to work for Golbez, Clad in the Dark; my trophy girlfriend Rosa, ditto; this old guy Cid not only used to work for Golbez but even built the airships - "

"UM," said Cid, "I'm gonna go put some tin foil on the Enterprise or something, see yaz."

And Cid very smoothly left the party, but it wasn't a very exciting party anyway, as it didn't have any disco, so who cares.

Giott was still extremely excited.

"So, can I help you with anything?" he asked his tall, sparkly guests. "Put you up for the night? Fluff your pillows?"

"Well, we were actually looking for some crystals - " Cecil began, but was interrupted by Yang's ominous "!"

"What is it, Yang?" asked Rosa. "Huh, boy? Did you find something?"

Yang sniffed the air. "I sense an evil presence listening to us!"

Everyone gasped.

"Oh my gosh! King, you must tell us! Now!" Cecil was already giving orders around here. "Where do you keep your kingdom's dark crystal?"

What a man of action! Giott loved this guy.

"Behind my throne, lali!" he said readily. "We'll just push the switch to let you in, lali! I shall entrust the fate of the crystal to you and not send any dwarves back there to keep an eye on you, lali!"

Luca tugged on her daddy's sleeve. "Um, maybe we should think that over."

"Nonsense, dear!"

Cecil smiled. He looked uncannily like Golbez at that moment. They could practically be brothers!

"Thanks, King Gidiot! Mwa ha ha ha ha. Going in now."

"Man, they've been back there for a while," Giott noticed.

"Has anyone seen my dolls lately?" Luca's question was not at all relevant to the current situation.

Suddenly, a Rydia appeared!

Giott got excited all over again. "Look, we have another overworld guest! She is very green."

Rydia gave all the armed dwarven soldiers a nervous glance. "You're probably wondering who I am and where I came from..." she began.

"Not really, lali. You have pretty hair."

Rydia raised an eyebrow. "Oh, good. I'll just be going into your crystal room then."

"Please go right ahead, lali!"

"...what the fuck does 'lali' mean?"

Cecil and friends emerged from the crystal room.

"Sorry," he said. "We were this close to stopping him, but he kind of turned into a hand and spirited the crystal away."

"A hand," Luca said flatly. Her eyes burned like bright yellow discs of suspicion.

"Yes, a hand."

"You don't think we'd actually believe that kind of bullshit story - "

"OMG!" Giott cried out. "So unfortunate, lali!"

Luca's eyes burned with a different emotion now. "Daddy, I'm going to write some poetry."

Do you see the hatred glowing in my yellow eyes
Written across the void of my pitch black face.
I hate you, daddy.

Cecil coughed. That poem didn't even rhyme.

"What should we do now?" he asked loudly, if only to put a stop to the poetry. "The enemy has three of the dark crystals!"

Giott pondered that one.

"Yeah, that's pretty bad for some vaguely defined reason. But I have a plan! You guys can go secretly infiltrate the Tower of Bab-il and steal the crystals while we draw the enemy's attention with our cute little tanks! That way you won't be killed by their 'SUPER CANNON'! But our guys will."

Cecil pondered that one. "That sounds like a good idea."

"No, it doesn't," said Luca.

"Yes, it does!" said Giott.

Cecil and friend were already waving goodbye.

"We'll leave Cid here to work on our airship. See you at the tower. Suckas."

Some days later...

Cid emerged from the airship bay the dwarves had built just for him.

"Thanks for the dockspace and the tools and the workers and the lodging. I'll just be taking my airship to pick up Cecil and the others now."

Giott nodded. "Sure."

Cid left.

Giott twiddled his thumbs. He missed Cid.

Suddenly, a dwarven soldier appeared!

He looked kind of nervous.

"Your Majesty, we have reports of a massive explosion at the Tower of Bab-il!"

Giott nodded. "Of course! Our tanks are awesome!"

"Actually, it appears that the Super Cannon misfired! If it had fired properly, our army would have been destroyed, sir!"

Giott nodded. "Well, it didn't, so it wasn't, so all is well."

"Additionally, the humans whom we have been aiding (at the expense of dwarven lives, I might add) appear to have fled to the overworld in their airship, closing the passageway behind them with a bomb, sir! They did not drop off any crystals or attempt to communicate with us at all before their sudden departure, sir!"

Now Giott was all worried. "Oh no! I hope they're okay, lali!"

The soldier did not look too impressed.

"...We found one of their number, the engineer Cid, lying near the entrance to the overworld, on the brink of death! Perhaps the barbarians forced him off their ship! What shall we do with him, sir!"

Giott leapt into action!

Well, actually he just leapt off his throne. "Give him the best of care, of course! I like that Cid guy, he kind of looks like a dwarf."

"Well, that is true," the soldier admitted.

About a week later...or however long it takes to fly to Baron, attach a hook to the airship, fly to Mt. Hobbs to pick up the hovercraft, fly to Eblan Cave, fight through the caves, recruit Edge, sneak into the Tower of Bab-il, defeat Edge's parents and Rubicant, fall through a pit trap all the way to the underground, steal an enemy airship, and fly back to Dwarf Castle, all the while grabbing tons of treasure and grinding for experience...yeah, about a week later.

Cecil and friends skulked back into Dwarf Castle.

"Uh, hi," said Cecil.

Luca tugged on her daddy's sleeve. "You should really ask about them about the whole 'fleeing and blowing up the passageway to the overworld only to come crawling back here after a whole week (or so) has passed' thing."

Giott gave her an indulgent look. "Shush, dear, daddy's talking."

Cecil coughed. "You're probably wondering how we got back into the underworld, and who this lavender ninja is, and whatever happened to Yang and Cid."

"Not really, I don't worry about things like that. It took you guys a while to get back, huh? How did the mission go?"

Cecil coughed again. "Er, I'm afraid the mission was a failure. There was, like, this hole in the floor of the crystal room, and we fell into the hole every time we tried to get in, so we couldn't get near the crystals, and therefore couldn't get the crystals..."

Rosa tugged on her husband's sleeve. "Cecil, dear, I just reached level 34 and can cast Float now. We can fly right over that stupid hole."

Cecil gave her an indulgent look. "Shush, dear, daddy's talking."

"Dear, I really think that with Float we can - "

" - get into the Land of Summoned Monsters and the Sylph's Cave?" Cecil finished for her. "Smashing idea! I hear there are some fabulous treasure boxes 'round those parts."

Rydia liked the sound o' dat! "Yay, I can visit my monster friends! Vacation time!"

Kain did not like the sound of that. But Kain was not a very fun guy. "Instead of chasing after treasure and visiting friends, perhaps we should be looking for the last dark crystal."

Giott leapt into the conversation!

Literally, he leapt off his throne and landed right between Rydia and Edge, which made Rydia happy but not Edge.

"Ahem, ahem!" Giott was making sure he'd gotten their attention. "The last dark crystal is locked away in the Sealed Cave, which is sealed!"

Kain did not like the sound of that. "So if we leave the crystal where it is, it will remain safely locked away from Golbez's evil grasp forever and ever?"

"Yes, and now I'll give you the key so you can undo the seal."

Kain liked the sound of that. "...Sounds good. I'm going to cackle mysteriously now, don't mind me." And then he cackled mysteriously.

Giott turned to his cute daughter, who was sulking. "Luca, give them the key around your neck."

Luca noticed she had a key around her neck. It was hard to tell on her tiny sprite drawing. "You mean my necklace? THIS was your hiding place for the key to the most important cave in the world?"

"Yes, around your wringable little neck," her father said fondly. "Give it over."

"What if I don't want to."

"What if I cut your allowance."

"Oh, right, like my allowance and the fate of the world are in any way comparable, on any kind of scale...who am I kidding, take the damn key."

Giott gave the key to Cecil, who didn't look too happy about it. The Sealed Cave was a bitch of a dungeon.

"Yeah thanks, whatever," he said graciously. "We'll go there. But first we level grind for a bit, and then to the Land of Summoned Monsters and the Sylph Cave!"

"Yay!" Rydia cheered. She was gonna get three new summons!

Rosa sighed. "I give up on this party."

"Did someone say 'party'?" said Edge, mysteriously silent until now. "Dude! I'm a ninja!"

And then the heroes left.

A few minutes later, Luca asked a good question.

"Don't you think we should have told them that their engineer friend is in the infirmary downstairs? They might need his help fixing up the airship so they can get to the Sealed Cave."

Giott thought about that one. "Nah, I'm sure they'll figure it out."

Much, much later...

Cecil coughed. He had a few new dents in his armour, but he was like level 50 now so he didn't care. "Hi, you're probably wondering what took us so long (though if you'd told us that Cid was in your infirmary we might have cut out a few days of aimless wandering). And you might be asking yourself where Kain is...aaaaaand the last of the dark crystals, for that matter. BTW the Tower of Bab-il is glowing like a disco ball."

Giott nodded. He'd noticed the new disco thing! "Yeah, it's so cool! We can't even get near it now. Did you guys do that?"

Cecil looked around shiftily. "In a manner of speaking, yes."

Luca gave the heroes a flat look out of her flat yellow eyes. "So we gave you people the key to the Sealed Cave, you come back without the crystal, your suspicious-looking dragoon friend is gone, by all indications the enemy has all the crystals, and because of the barrier around the Tower of Bab-il we have no way of stealing them back?"

Cecil was still looking around shiftily. "In a manner of speaking, yes."

"...Well, that's about what I was expecting."

Giott twiddled his thumbs. "Sooooooo...what do we do now?"

Cecil twiddled his thumbs too. "We were hoping you could tell us that."

"Well, I think we're pretty doomed unless the Legend of the Big Whale happens to come true."

"Big Whale?" Cecil was so surprised he needlessly repeated the thing Giott had just said.

"Yeah, I don't know what a 'whale' is either," Giott went on. "It's supposed to come from the ocean, but I don't know of anything that could possibly come out of the lava."

"Um, I know what a whale is." Cecil felt kind of embarrassed on Giott's behalf. "We have them above. They live in the, you know, watery type of ocean we have up there. They're animals. Big animals. So saying 'Big' Whale is pretty redundant."

"Water in the oceans? What a novel concept, lali! But actually, the Big Whale is supposed to be some kind of ship. A big ship. From the moon."

Cecil responded with an intelligent "?"

"And apparently, there is a Big Whale in a Mysidia."

Cecil responded with an even more intelligent "!"

"Too bad there's no such thing as a Mysidia. This legend is pretty crazy overall. What is this 'One to be born from a dragon' thing is supposed to mean?"

Cecil responded with an even bigger and more intelligent "!".

"Well, it's probably just a bunch of lali-ho-foolery, so I guess you'll just have to rot in the underworld for the rest of your short, short lives."

Cecil finally remembered how to talk again. "Mysidia is a town in the overworld! The Elder there is praying for something! Probably a Big Whale! He's been praying for like thirty game hours!"

"Really? Mysidia is a town? What a weird name for a town. Never would have guessed."

Luca sighed. "Which is why you never thought to mention this extremely important plot point until now."

Cecil was all excited. "We need to get to the overworld immediately! (Well, after stopping at the smith's house to pick up Excalibur.) That legend is about ME!"

"But the passage is blocked," Rosa pointed out.

"Yeah, and can we wait a day or two?" Edge whined. He was annoyed that he hardly got any lines. "I want to relax at the inn. That Sealed Cave was murder, man."

"Why use the inn when we can use the free healing pot downstairs?" said Rydia. "I like the pot."

"True, that pot is good stuff." Edge had a dreamy look on his face.

"The withdrawal's pretty nasty though. Feels like you gotta keep going back to it, even if you take just a little damage..."

"Hey, I can quit anytime I want. I can! Really!" Edge crawled into a corner and began crying.

"Ahem, ahem," Cecil coughed. He didn't like it when he went too long without a line. "I will ignore the druggie jokes because we need to get going right now! This is very important! Rest is for the weak! We must get to Mysidia to fulfill the legend!"

"But the passage to the overworld is blocked," Rosa pointed out again.

"Oh yeah."

Giott pondered that one. "If your airship could drill through the rubble you'd be able to get through."

Luca sighed. "Daddy, that's so impossible."

The sound of a door being flung open appeared!

"Did someone say airship and then say impossible shortly after!" (*)

All the dwarven ladies swooned as Cid stroked his manly beard.

"It's Cid!" Rosa pointed out unnecessarily.

"I can totally attach a drill to the Falcon. No prob." All the dwarven ladies swooned some more. A drill!

Giott was all excited again. "Cid, you are the best."

"I know."

"You are a true man among dwarves."

"Uh, thanks."

Giott looked at Luca, who was pouting. "See, nothing is impossible if you believe! Where there is belief, a way appears!

"Believe this!" said Luca.

A rude gesture appeared!

After seeing the heroes off, Giott got kind of bored. With Cecil and friends gone he had nothing to do. The game didn't really pay any attention to him when Cecil and friends weren't around.

"Hmm..." he thought, which was never a good sign. "That no-good Golbez is obviously up to something. The attack will probably come from the Tower of Bab-il, so we need to focus our defenses in that direction."

Luca was astonished. "...D-did you just say something smart?"

"Although, come to think of it," Giott went on, "the Tower seems to go all the way up to the overworld, so they need protection too! We should fly all of our tanks up there! I'm sure that won't be difficult at all."

"...Nevermind."

Giott had already leapt off his throne and into action, but Luca still had to try to talk him out of it.

"Considering that at least half of the Tower of Bab-il is in the underworld, including the entrance, maybe we should keep the tanks here to defend ourselves," she ventured.

"Nah, that's a bad idea," answered Giott. "See you later, I'm going to make some tanks fly, lali!"

(It turned out even Cid couldn't make tanks fly, but he sure was happy to bring them to the overworld!)

A few days later...

A Yang appeared!

"Hi, turns out I'm alive, I was hanging out with some fairies. Can I have a tank?"

"Everyone can have a tank!" cried Giott.

In the overworld...

Suddenly, a Giant of Bab-il appeared!

Giott was so happy.

"Told you the attack would be up here."

Luca was so not happy!

"How overworld-centric. This game is dissing us!"

After the heroically-fought battle...

Giott peered out of one of his tank's tiny air holes. "Look, it's Cecil in a Big Whale! I'm assuming that that thing is a Big Whale."

"Betcha he doesn't bother to say hi. Or 'thank you for coming all this way to help a people not your own,'" Luca grumbled.

"No, I'm sure he will. He's a good sort, that Cecil."

The Big Whale flew off into space again with a whoosh.

"Told you so," said Luca.

Giott was shocked and genuinely hurt!

"That paladin is dissing us!"

Luca was neither shocked nor genuinely hurt.

"He's been doing that the whole game."

Giott looked at his toes. "So what do we do now?"

"Guess there's nothing left to do but pray. In Mysidia."

"What?"

"Everyone's doing it."

"We sure are!" agreed Palom, Porom, Elder of Mysidia, Edward, the Toroian Sisters, Yang, Cid, and Cid's lackeys.

In Mysidia...

Everyone was flapping their pixellated arms in prayer.

"What exactly are we praying for?" Luca wondered.

"We pray that Holy may save us from Meteor," Giott guessed.

"I'm pretty sure that's not right."

Somewhere on the moon, Rosa is learning Holy and Rydia is learning Meteor.

The Elder of Mysidia raised one pixellated arm to get their attention. "Ahem! Ahem! May I have your attention, please! Now is the time to wish for the earth! We shall send people's wishes to Cecil!"

"How does that even work?" Luca wondered, but everyone ignored her.

"All right, everyone line up for wish-sending," the Elder ordered. "Palom, Porom, since you are my apprentices and you are pretty okay party members, stand in front here."

"Yeah, hear that, dudes?" Palom made sure everyone heard it. "Hey, Cecil, dude! Bro!"

Porom hit her brother on the head in her signature move. *POW!* "Here's our power!" she said.

Luca was not too impressed. "Of course those brats get to go first, cough cough nepotism cough."

Next up was Edward.

"Do your best!"

"Don't give up!" added Tellah.

"OMG IT'S A GHOST!" Giott noticed.

Yang and Cid stepped foward.

"Concentrate!"

"Hold on to it!"

"To what?" wondered Luca.

And then there was Fu So Ya and Golbez, kind of.

"Bless him, Moon!"

"My dear brother! Let your sacred power be with the Crystal!"

"WHAT THE FUCK THAT'S GOLBEZ!" Luca screamed.

Giott was screaming too. "MORE GHOSTS! FROM THE MOON!"

The Elder of Mysidia waved a hand. "Well, that's enough wish-sending."

Luca stopped screaming. "Huh?"

Giott looked like he was going to cry. "But we haven't gone yet!"

"Sorry, main characters only."

"OMG be more racist please." Luca was so mad she was starting to sound like her daddy.

The Elder wasn't even looking at them. "This has nothing to do with your pitch black complexion or glowing yellow eyes or tiny stature or beards or habit of saying lali-ho or whatever the fuck it is you say."

Even Giott could tell that wasn't a nice thing to say. "How dare you talk to my daughter that way!"

"Daddy, let's go home," said Luca, all the fight taken out of her.

Giott nodded. "Yeah, I suddenly feel the need for that pot at the castle."

At Dwarf Castle...

"Aw man...this pot...is the best...lali. Helps me forget...being discriminated against...lali," said Giott.

"Totally...lali," agreed Luca.

"We are...totally helping to rebuild...lali."

"Totally...lali."

A dwarven soldier appeared!

"Sir, we need more materials to rebuild the castle!"

Giott managed to turn his head, slowly, to look at the, like, totally awesome floating bearded head that was talking to him. "Oh yeah...I know! More materials! Go get 'em!"

"But we don't have any."

"Then...just scrap the tanks..."

"What...!"

Giott had stuck his whole head in the pot. "Because, like, no more wars ever, you know...lali?"

The soldier replied with a nonplussed "..."

"BTW...Luca..." Giott began.

"That's a me! Tee hee!"

"Yeah...stupid brat. I got some news...Cecil is gonna be king of Baron...and Rosa's gonna be Royal Trophy Wife."

"Huh...cool...like...isn't Baron the thing that bombed us?"

"Yeah...but no hard feelings..." Giott was trying to remember something through his pot haze, something important, but it was hard to think. "...Oh, and we're invited to the ceremony! In Baron!" he finally said.

"How nice! Tee hee!"

"Sir, I think you may be loafing on the job!" the soldier noted.

"Ahem...lali." Giott pointed his Royal Finger vaguely in the soldier's direction. "Are you done scrapping the tanks, lali...?"

"Obviously not, sir! You asked me thirty seconds ago, sir! Lali."

"Huh...well, maybe you can make the tanks fly. Lali."

"Tee hee!" added Luca.

At the wedding of the century...

"Tee hee!"

"LALI LALI LALI LALI!"

"Tee hee!"

"LAAAALLLIIII HOooooOOOOOooooOOOO!"

"Tee hee!"

"LAAAALLILIIIILALIIIIIII!"

Cid nodded sagely. "Pot, huh."

"Wonder what drove them to it," Rydia wondered.

Edge was still crying in a corner "I can quit anytime! I swear!"

Rosa looked at the dwarves twitching and and giggling on her Royal Floor. "My beautiful wedding...ruined...!" She was so upset she had to put an exclamation point after her ellipses.

There was a thoughtful frown on Cecil's face. "I guess we kind of deserve it."

"LALI HO, SUCKAS!" screamed Giott and Luca.

THE END. LALI.

Author's Notes (lali):

*Did someone say airship and then say impossible shortly after. This joke is so stolen from a Kate Beaton comic strip about Isambard Kingdom Brunel, who apparently liked building impossible stuff.

Most of the words coming out of the characters' mouths in this fic (if you can call this a fic?) were totally made up by me, but some lines were lifted directly from the original FFIV SNES script.