Before you read on, remember that crack is my drug. That came out wrong. What I meant was that crack is my specialty, so if this is really weird...I have no excuses left. I don't own Bleach and I don't own Lady Gaga's song "Hair." This is gonna be a funky combination...

"Are you guys sure about this?" Izuru asked uneasily.

"Oh, please," Ikkaku scoffed. "We can take down anyone who comes around." The glint in his eyes suggested he almost hoped for one of the locals to show up. The Kusajishi district had a reputation after all.

The group had set up in an abandoned house in the Kusajishi district, sure that no meddling captains would run in and ruin their show. The locals had been an after thought.

"Stop worrying," Yumichika said, feathers fluttering. "It's not very beautiful."

Everyone had been at odds about having Yumichika as a guest. Shuhei insisted that he was probably the best out of anyone else in the Seireitei and it was ridiculous that they hadn't nabbed him before. Izuru protested that maybe Yumichika was a little bit too good and might steal the show. Rangiku said Izuru was just scared of his emo haircut getting rightfully insulted. Ikkaku didn't have much of an input.

But the flamboyant shinigami was here and there was no going back. Besides, they were going to talk about hair and if anyone would be willing to talk about hair, it was Yumichika. That much was common knowledge.

"Why don't you start?" Shuhei said, gesturing to Yumichika. It seemed the the most host-ish thing to do.

"Hair," Yumichika said. There was a long dramatic pause before he spoke again. "It marks the identity of an individual. It can either make you a sheep or a rebel. Hair is everything. People are their hair."

"Well put," Izuru said. "Very well put."

"Just take Izuru for example," Yumichika said with a smile on his face. "He's got a ridiculously depressing hair-cut. But it's a bright, happy color, making you think he's some kind of poser. Maybe he should've paid more attention to a certain Espada?"

Ikkaku started to laugh loudly and Izuru shot him a dark look.

"I don't see why you're laughing since you have no hair at all," he said nastily. "Baldy."

Ikkaku's laughter stopped.

"What was that?" he demanded, jumping up.

"Are you deaf and bald, Baldy?" Izuru asked him.

"I think Izuru is going through PMS," Rangiku whispered to her invisible friend sitting beside her. Much to her disappointment, there was no response.

"Let's go, emo boy!" Ikkaku roared before jumping at the blond host.

"Like I said," Yumichika told an alarmed Shuhei who was watching his companions break out into a wild fistfight, dignity forgotten. "Hair is everything."

"I guess so," Shuhei said.

"Let's look at these pictures I took of people with weird hair," Yumichika said cheerfully.

"Whoa, what?"

Yumichika pulled out a small computer and after some searching, found several pictures of none other than Ichigo Kurosaki. He turned the screen so the host of the show could see.

Shuhei was in no way a professional photographer, but it was painfully obvious that the subject of these pictures had been oblivious that he was being photographed. If he was aware, he probably wouldn't have been playing with dolls, but Shuhei was more wondering when Yumichika had taken these creeper pictures than anything else.

He wasn't given a chance to ask.

"Look! Look at this orange!" Yumichika said, waving his arms around. "The whole thing is messy and orange. But it works. Now let's talk about Captain Kuchiki's hair."

Shuhei didn't know how much of a good idea that was, but Yumichika wasn't giving him time to say a word, so he watched helplessly as more keys were pressed and the slide-show fast-forwarded to pictures of the highly intimidating captain. Yes, The Late Night Shinigami Show had been entirely taken over in a matter of minutes.

"Do we really have to talk about his hair noodles?" Shuhei asked weakly.

"They have a name, you know," Yumichika said, although he never volunteered what that name was, making Shuhei wonder if he even knew. "They're just so weird," he continued, almost talking to himself. "I mean, look."

"I'm looking," Shuhei said. His eyes flickered to Yumichika's feathers. Feathers or hair noodles: that was the question.

"I suppose it could be worse," Yumichika mused. Abruptly, he moved through the pictures of Captain Kuchiki and went on to a new subject, one that elated Rangiku.

"There's my captain!" she cried happily. And sure enough, the Shortest Shinigami himself was there, captured in the pictures. Unfortunately, he was simply doing paperwork.

"And his hair," Yumichika added. "Do you have any idea what he does to make it so defiant of gravity? More importantly, do you know why?"

"It adds a whole foot to his height," Rangiku said, pleased to be talking. Yumichika nodded.

"Compensating for something," he said. "Or adding to the fear effect. My captain does that. The giant spikes on his head with the little bells... Very scary indeed."

Yumichika pulled up creeper-photos of his captain and started flipping through them. "I really would've loved some pictures of the Arrancar and their hair," he said wistfully. "But they were...unavailable."

"What a shame," Shuhei said, not really meaning it but feeling utterly trapped. Ikkaku and Izuru were still rolling on the ground.

"The world is full of people with strange hair," Yumichika said. "Unfortunately, I can't go through all of them. It would cut into my musical number."

"Your musical number?" Shuhei repeated, blown away. Later on, he would ask himself why he was so shocked.

"It's only right," Yumichika said. "I'm going to sing a very beautiful song that I heard while I was in the world of the living on...personal business."

In other words, you heard it when you were taking all those creeper pictures of Kurosaki.

But Shuhei wisely kept his thoughts to himself.

"Here we go!" Yumichika announced, jumping up. He pulled off the world's fastest outfit change and hit a button on the computer. Karaoke music began to play as a disco ball came down. Bright lights started to flash around, reflecting blinding light off Yumichika's sequenced suit that looked like something that might have come from RuPaul's Drag Race.

Ikkaku and Izuru stopped fighting and stared.

And then Yumichika began to sing.

"Whenever I'm dressed cool,
My parents put up a fight.
(Uh huh, uh huh)
And if I'm hot shot,
Mom will cut my hair at night.
(Uh huh, uh huh)
And in the morning,
I'm short of my identity.
(Uh huh, uh huh)
I scream Mom and Dad,
Why can't I be who I want to be?
(Uh huh, uh huh) to be."

Rangiku started to cheer loudly, waving her arms around. Shuhei started to back away uncertainly. Then he tripped over Ikkaku and Izuru. Yumichika noticed none of this and instead started flipping his own hair around.

"I just wanna be myself,
And I want you to love me for who I am.
I just wanna be myself,
And I want you to know, I am my hair."

Both Yumichika and Rangiku had lost themselves entirely in the song and were dancing. Rangiku had jumped out of her seat and was jumping around like she was at a concert and Yumichika was happily punching the hand that wasn't holding the microphone up in the air victoriously.

"I've had enough, this is my prayer,
That I'll die living just as free as my hair.
I've had enough, this is my prayer,
That I'll die living just as free as my hair.
I've had enough, I'm not a freak,
I just keep fightin' to stay cool on these streets
I've had enough, enough, enough,
And this is my prayer, I swear,
I'm as free as my hair.
I'm as free as my hair.
I am my hair.
I am my hair."

Then the door was busted in and everyone froze. The music continued to play in the background as the four shinigami saw a gang of Kusajishi locals who had heard the loud noises and come to investigate.

"Beep," Ikkaku said. Then he blinked. No way. Was he seriously being censored? He tried again. "Beep. Beep? BEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEP! Son of a beeping beeper! Beep! It did it again! Beep it!"

Izuru smirked.

Meanwhile, the Kusajishi locals were taking in the music, the lights, and the oddly dressed Yumichika holding a glittery microphone.

"This is great!" Yumichika cried. "I need background dancers and singers!"

With cheers of delight, the big, muscly gang ran forward to join him. Rangiku was as delighted as everyone else was disturbed.

"We lost a little bit of time with your interruption, but that's okay," Yumichika said and all together, the group started singing again, a little bit farther into the song than where Yumichika had left off.

"Sometimes I want some raccoon
Or red highlights.
(Uh huh, uh huh)
Just because I want my friends,
To think I'm dynamite.
(Uh huh, uh huh)
And on Friday rock city,
High school dance.
(Uh huh, uh huh)
I've got my bangs to hide,
That I don't stand a chance.
(Uh huh, uh huh) a chance."

Rangiku continued to jump up and down as the singers moved in a disturbingly perfect synchronized dance.

"It's like a flash mob!" she squealed, clinging to Ikkaku who was trying to scramble away. Ikkaku didn't have a clue what a flash mob was, but he was pretty sure that if it was anything like this, ignorance really was bliss.

"I just wanna be myself,
And I want you to love me for who I am.
I just wanna be myself,
And I want you to know, I am my hair."

More and more Kusajishi residents heard the racket and came to investigate. Pretty soon, the whole once-abandoned house was full of singing and dancing. Shuhei, Izuru, and Ikkaku searched desperately for a way out.

"I've had enough, this is my prayer,
That I'll die living just as free as my hair.
I've had enough, this is my prayer,
That I'll die living just as free as my hair.
I've had enough, I'm not a freak,
I'm just here trying to play cool on the streets
I've had enough, enough, enough,
And this is my prayer, I swear,
I'm as free as my hair.
I'm as free as my hair.
I am my hair.
I am my hair."

All thoughts of synchronized dancing were forgotten because everyone was content to abandon themselves in favor of the music. Control was relinquished and the singers just jumped around with Rangiku, belting out the words at the top of their lungs. Arms were waved around so wildly that it was a miracle no one lost an eye.

"I think it's time to go," Izuru said.

"We need Rangiku," Shuhei protested.

"As free as my hair, hair, hair,
Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair,
Hair, hair, hair,
Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair.
As free as my hair, hair, hair,
Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair
Hair, hair, hair,
Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair.
Ha-ha-ha-hair."

In the mass of writhing bodies, no one noticed Rangiku being dragged away by Shuhei, Izuru, and Ikkaku. Her flailing seemed like ordinary dancing, so no one wondered if she was getting kidnapped or something—which she technically was. Surrendering, the busty woman sang with the crowd, not stopping until she couldn't hear the music anymore.

"I just want to be free, I just want to be me
And I want lots of friends that invite me to their parties.
I don't want to change, and I don't want to be ashamed.
I'm the spirit of my Hair, it's all the glory that I bare."

"We didn't get to hear the end of the song," Rangiku said. She hadn't been let go of until they were almost out of the Kusajishi district.

"You heard enough of it," Shuhei said, still moving. "Besides, we have to do the show."

"The show comes first," Ikkaku said, even thought he didn't give a rat's ass about the show.

Rangiku sighed as stared back at the brightly-lit house. She said dejectedly, "Maybe we'll have another musical episode."

She was too busy looking at the house to see the looks of horror on the faces of everyone else. If she had seen the looks on their faces, she would have known that there was no way in hell there was ever going to be another musical episode.

You know what I want for my seventeenth birthday? No, not Bleach. I want a flashmob in Safeway. The song will be "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen and it will be bleeping amazing. Anyway, if anyone has any requests or ideas or any input at all, the "REVIEW" button is just a little bit farther down ;D