0238 ZULU

Mac's Apartment

I don't know what woke me up. Frankly I was more surprised at the fact that I had fallen asleep than at the presence of someone in my bedroom. The source of my insomnia was sitting in the chair across from my bed, head back and asleep.

I watched him for a few minutes, not knowing exactly what to do. He hadn't returned any of my calls since he resigned his commission, followed me to Paraguay, and I told him that we would never be an "us". I thought that it was just another stepping stone in our friendship or relationship or whatever the hell this was. I also thought that we would get over it just like every other time before this. We got over me almost marrying another man, but we couldn't get over me kissing Clayton Webb and me telling him that it was too hard to be us.

He doesn't stir when I get out of bed to kneel in front of him and put my hand on his thigh, "Harm…"

His eyes slowly open and it's like he sees me for the first time all over again, "Mac…"

The way he says my name, with the hint of wonder in his voice makes me almost forgive him for not returning a single one of my calls.

"What are you doing here?"

"I… umm… I came to see you?"

"In the middle of the night?" I ask him, moving to sit up on the bed across from him instead of kneeling like I was. "Why?"

He takes a moment before he answers my simple question. I can see it working through in his head. I can tell that he is trying to decide which answer would be the best. He chooses the not so safe answer.

"I always have to see you when I get back." He finally answers, settling back in the chair and not lifting his eyes to mine.

"Harm, you and I haven't seen each other in four months. You haven't returned any of my… however many it is calls… you're telling me that you have been gone on a single mission for four months?"

"It's thirteen calls, and I listened to every single one, multiple times, and frankly, I could probably recite them back to you if you'd like me to. Your marine instincts have gone soft since we met because I've seen you six times in the past four months… almost seven."

For some reason, I'm not shocked at his admission, because it is perfectly like Harm to keep these things to himself.

We sit there for a few minutes, occasionally looking up at the other. It's almost as if we are thinking that the other isn't really there. Maybe it's an imposter, maybe it's a dream.

"I'm sorry I didn't return your calls. Part of me wanted to stay as far away from you as I could."

At that, I'm a bit shocked, but understand that when I was in the position of being rejected by him years ago in Sydney I ran too, "and that is the reason why you were sneaking into my bedroom at night?" I say with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes… I want to stay as far away from you as I could, and quickly realized that I couldn't."

The breath that rushes out of me is quick and loud, but remains the only sound for another few minutes as I contemplate where we find ourselves at the moment.

"You said almost seven… why almost."

"Webb." He says casually.

I stiffen at the thought and memory. Two weeks after Harm left for the CIA and Clayton Webb was out of the hospital, he came to me. To say I was lost was the understatement of the century. Harm had left and refused to talk to me, I hated going to work, I still feared for my life and heard screams when I closed my eyes, and I needed to forget. Two weeks after Harm left, I let Clayton Webb help me forget.

I can honestly say that it was the loneliest night of my life, sharing a bed with a man who you know is never going to live up to the standards of the one you already have in your head. Mic made me realize a long time ago that there was only one man that would be in my life forever, and any other would be a lie.

"It was one night, and I regret every second of it." I say, being completely honest.

"It didn't sound like you were regretting anything…"

I visibly cringe at his comment. Knowing that he was there, that he had come to see me, that in some strange way I had cheated on him, killed me.

"It was after my first assignment, and I came by because I wanted you to convince me that I should quit. I got in the door, heard you laugh, and turned right back around. I watched him walk out a few hours later, but couldn't bring myself to come back upstairs."

"I'm glad you didn't. I was a mess… I kicked him out after he made some nasty comment about if he was better in bed than you. He told me I used him, I agreed, and I haven't seen him since. I sat in the shower and cried for hours after he left."

"Why?"

"Because you were gone, I hated everything about my life, and because I didn't think that I was ever going to get a second chance at anything."

"Funny… that's how I felt when I left here that night." He says, looking up and giving me a small smile that I return easily.

"You came back though…"

"The next time I came back from an assignment I came here and you were alone, so I sat in the chair for a few minutes, then got up and walked out. I knew you were safe, so I knew I could sleep. I knew that what I was doing… why I wasn't in the Navy any more… was all worth it."

"How'd you know that Webb wouldn't be here?" I ask, and instantly regret bringing that man back into our thoughts again.

"Because he looked pissed when he left your apartment that night, and because the last time I saw Webb all he said to me was 'you win'. I didn't know what he meant until I came home and listened to your messages before I came to make sure you were okay again. The fourth message you left was the morning after you kicked him out."

I remember the message I left him, telling him that I wish he would just come home and stay. I told him that JAG wasn't the same without him, and confessed that I missed him more than anyone else.

"I should go." He says, standing abruptly.

"Why?"

"I know you're safe, so I know that what I'm doing is okay…"

He turns to walk out of the room after looking me square in the eye for what seemed like minutes.

"Harm…"

He pivots back to me with a questioning glance.

"Wake me next time… please?"

He nods and I turn back to get into bed before he calls out to me and I return the questioning glance he had just given me.

"Don't stop calling… I may not be able to return the call, but I'm still listening… even when I'm away."

After a small nod, he walks out of the apartment and I wait until I hear the dead bolt slide into place before getting back into bed for a comfortable sleep.