CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

BUBBLE AND TROUBLE

It is very difficult to be so ahead of one's time. They say genius is never understood in its own generation and in my case no one will understand my greatness for at least a decade, (if not a century.) Honestly, that is the only explanation I can think of. I know that I should evoke shameless adulation from you ignorant masses (and use that term in the nicest possible way) by the sheer power of my charm, whit and masterfulness.

Oddly enough, however, the most common phrase I tend to run into is, 'piss off'.

As I said: It is difficult to be so ahead of one's time. We geniuses lead a hard life.

By the time I got out of my meeting with Mrs Clappsaddle, potions lessons had already finished. Students scuttled in the hallways making their way to their next class as slowly as their feet could drag them. I hitched up my knapsack and started off for the west wing, careful to avoid the grasping hands of a hanging skeleton. (The Halloween decorations were especially aggressive that year.)

I turned a corner and saw Agnes in the distance, her curly blond head turning every which way obviously searching for someone. (Poor thing was probably lost. It's a wonder she was able to find her front pockets as often as she did. (Oohh, burn!)) For no particular reason I decided to make an abrupt about-face and march off in another direction. There were many routes to any particular place within the Hogwarts castle, many of them blissfully Agnes-free.

As I walked I muddled over the weird interview I had just sat through. I was not surprised to find out that Mrs. Clappsaddle was a therapist; she was looney enough to fit the profile. But she seemed inordinately interested in Albus. And what were all those strange questions about him being involved in the Dark Arts? The very idea was crazy! And then she let it slip that she was sent by the Ministry. Was the Ministry checking up on Albus? For what purpose? The whole thing was very strange.

And furthermore: I don't think she was really interested in the origin of my name at all. Otherwise she wouldn't have rudely interrupted me when I was about to tell her that I was actually named after my great-

"ZED, DON'T DO IT!"

The command startled me out of my reverie. I looked around to see where it had come from and saw Rose running towards me at full speed, her flaming hair bobbing with her movements and her cheeks flushed from exertion.

"Uh, hi, Rose. What's going on-"

"Zed, don't do it!" she repeated, grabbing me tightly by the shoulders. Her face was stone serious and her grip was tense. "I know you think it's the right thing to do, but it isn't worth it. The three of you could get into serious trouble. You might even be horribly injured or worse- EXPELLED!"

I'll admit it, since it doesn't happen very often, I was thoroughly confused. The poor lass was apparently utterly delusional and babbling incoherently. Obviously, she had not fully recovered from her injuries. It was a real shame. It meant that Albus would go back to his insufferable moping.

Rose shook my shoulders and spoke with a voice like firm iron. "Zed, tell me you're not going to do it!"

"Alright then," I coughed uncomfortably. "Er, do what?"

Rose blinked in astonishment. "You mean- you... that is... you don't know?"

"Know what?"

Rose's face softened with relief and she smiled wanly. "Oh, it's nothing. Absolutely nothing. Say, it looks like you'll be late for class. You'd better hurry along."

"Now, just hold on one doggone minute," I protested as she began scooting me on my way. (I was slowly getting the feeling that I had been left out of a loop.) "What was all that about? What did you think-"

"I told you, it was nothing!" Rose insisted, turning slightly red. "Just pretend I never said anything."

"I always do. But I still want to know-"

"Zed! Zed!" For the second time that morning I heard a girl calling out my name. (This is probably what it feels like to have groupies.) This time it was Agnes. She had noticed me from down the hall and was on her way over, waiving her hand to get my attention.

Rose became suddenly more agitated upon seeing Agnes. "Zed, I should be on my way if I were you. Whatever she has to say to you it can wait till later." She started shepherding me in the other direction but I resisted.

Ironically, under normal circumstances I would have avoided that annoying blonde girl on my own, but Rose' odd behavior had piqued my curiosity.

"Zed, there you are!" Agnes said when she reached us. Rose crossed her arms and huffed. "I've been looking all over for you. It's like you're avoiding me."

"Imagine that," I said, rather cooly. "What do you want?"

"It's Albus, actually. He wants you to join him in the girl's lavatory."

"... I beg your pardon?"

"Right now. He's in the girl's lavatory on the third floor and he's waiting for you."

I coughed rather uncomfortably. "Aha, right. Yes, well, I'm sure it must have been quite an emergency if he had no choice but to dash into the girl's loo, but I don't think, ah, that I would be much help in this circumstance. Perhaps if he tried a strong laxative..."

Agnes snorted derisively. "It's nothing to do with that," she said, rolling her eyes. "I can't explain it here and now. Look, just come along. We're waiting for you." And with that she turned around and marched off. I watched her go for a moment and then I met Rose' eyes. She shook her head firmly.

But I decided not to heed her advice. I took off after Agnes with Rose following in my wake, her arms still crossed and her mouth muttering sweet nothings of disapproval.

I've always said that bathrooms are the great equalizer. No matter how great or lowly you are you will only leave a smelly mess when you're done. (You can find this and other great aphorisms in my upcoming book, 'Sylvanus Said So'. (Six ninety-nine, shipping not included.)) But when I walked into that girl's bathroom I was immediately struck by its immaculate cleanliness. And then I remembered that this was the loo that everyone avoided.

Apparently, back in the day it had been haunted by a particularly annoying ghost. The faculty had exorcized her from the vicinity several years ago following the Great Lavatory Shortage of '09 when Peeves the poltergeist had added some 'special ingredients' to the school lunch. There was a sudden and major run on all the toilets and chamber pots in the castle and every stall had to be made available at a moments notice. I understand the chaos was epic.

But this bathroom retained its morbid reputation and, perhaps due to the strain of tradition, students still avoided it like an outhouse.

Soft white wisps of steam rose gently from the far stall and Agnes Rose and I made a bee-line for it. Agnes swung the door open to reveal Albus hunched over a mini-cauldron that bubbled with excited abandon. He looked up at us as we entered and grinned. "It's about time you got here," he said, wiping his brow. "My arm is dead tired from stirring this goo."

"I couldn't find him right away," Agnes said, settling down and relieving him of his stirrer. "But he's here now so we can get on with it."

"Get on with it?" I sputtered. "Get on with what? What are you guys up to?"

"No good is what their up to," Rose said harshly from where she stood, over by the sinks. "This is a terrible idea and no good will come of it. If you have to do it and get yourselves expelled you may as well do it yourselves and leave poor, dear Jed out of it."

"That's 'Zed',"

"Whatever. The point is: I won't let you go through with this. It's way too dangerous! If you continue I'll... I'll..."

"You'll tell on us?" Agnes asked, sounding unsure.

"No!" Rose flushed. "If I did you would definitely get expelled."

"Rose," Albus said, looking at his cousin seriously, "we're doing this for you."

"Stop it!" Rose groaned. "That just makes it even worse. It means I'm to blame for all this mess."

"That is not true!" Albus snapped, sounding angry. "You did nothing wrong. You were badly hurt and almost killed. It's Damon Devon and Allison Smythe who are to blame for everything."

"Hold on," I said, injecting a modicum of sanity into the discussion. "Is this about those spiders that those two stooges put in your sheets, Albus?"

"The Transylvanian Blood Spider is no ordinary spider, Zed, as you well know," Albus said. "According to your book it's used to get the blood of people that are targeted for Dark Magic."

I noticed Agnes cringe at the mention of my book but she said nothing and merely stirred the bubbling cauldron all the harder. "And they went and targeted Rose." I felt a darkness leak into Albus' words as he spoke that last sentence and I shuddered.

Rose stamped her foot in exasperation. "But I'm fine, Albus. There's no harm done. Whatever their plan was it didn't work."

"It was a very near thing."

"But it's over now. Let's just walk away before someone does get hurt. Agnes, you talk some sense into him! He's being pig-headed."

Agnes made a slight shrug with a small apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, Rose, but I'm with Albus on this one. Someone tried to hurt you and we need to get to the bottom of it."

"So you're going to talk to Damon and Allison," I ventured. Albus and Agnes nodded in unison. "And before you go and talk to them you decided to cook up some soup in a lavatory? Feeling a little peckish?"

"We can't just go and talk to them," Albus said, "we need to seem more intimidating than just a couple of eleven-year-olds."

"But you are a couple of eleven-year-olds," I pointed out.

Albus smiled and his teeth glistened in the pale of light of the flame beneath the cauldron. "Not for long," he said.

"What's that supposed to mean? You'll still have to wait an entire year to be twelve. And even then, twelve year old kid isn't that much scarier than an eleven year old kid. Unless, of course, you have some irrational fear of eleven year old kids. It's not very common but I've heard of some cases. My great uncle Bernie, for instance, would break out in-"

"We're cooking up some polyjuice potion," Agnes cut in.

My eyebrows flew into my hairline. "Really?" I said, incredulously. "That sounds hard to believe. It's an incredibly advanced potion and I kind of get the feeling you'd have trouble brewing up a decent pot of tea. Not you, Albus. Your tea is delightful."

"We thought Rose could manage it," Albus said, "seeing as how she's already memorized Basic Potions and has skimmed most of next years material."

"Ah," I said, nodding with comprehension.

"Except that she's refused point-blank to help us," Albus said, glaring at his cousin who sniffed with supreme unconcern.

"If I can't stop you then I at least won't help you," she said.

"And that's where you come in, Zed," Albus sighed. "It's up to you now."

"What? You want me to try and convince her? I dunno, she looks really determined to me."

"No, you idiot. I want you to try and make the potion!"

"Really? Why didn't you just say so!" I sat down by the cauldron, grabbed the potions book and began excitedly flipping through the pages. I was nearly ecstatic. At last, my vast talents were being recognized and put to good use.

"Zed, come on!" Rose said, looking genuinely worried. "That is a very difficult and dangerous potion. You might end up poisoning them."

"I will not poison them!" I shot back, hotly. "... Probably."

"You know, you could just do it yourself," Agnes suggested. But Rose just scowled and stiffened up completely.

In the meantime, a strong sense of unease had begun developing in the pit of my stomach. Rose wasn't wrong about the potion. It looked like it was sadistically convoluted. And the artistic renderings that accompanied the instructions were positively gross. And then I hit upon a line that completely sank my hopes.

"Bad news, guys," I said, sounding very deflated. "According to this, the potion has to simmer for at least a month."

"WHAT?" Albus barked. "Are you sure? Let me see that!"

"It's right there," I said, handing him the book and pointing out the paragraph. "Black on white and plain as day."

Agnes peered over Albus' shoulder at the dreaded paragraph and slumped with disappointment. "I suppose that's it then."

I saw Rose give off a little smug smirk. I decided then that I would not be beaten. I racked my brain for an answer to the problem. My mind went into overdrive and the world disappeared around me like an annoying vaporous cloud. The problem presented itself before me and circled around it; examining it from all angles in search for any weakness. I paced about within my mind until I hit upon something. The problem developed a crack that I exploited. I chipped away with enthusiasm until the problem melted away and I was left with the answer.

"... Zed? Are you all right? You look a little spaced out."

I returned back to the present and the world reformed around me. "Quick!" I said, "did you guys bring the potion ingredients?"

"Of course," Agnes said, holding a large pouch. "We lifted it from the potions cabinet during the last lesson."

"Give it here then!" I yanked the pouch from her grasp and began rummaging through it. I quickly found the ingredients I needed for a pollyjucie potion and set right to work. I started slicing, dicing and stirring like a madman. I labored furiously with the result that at the end of an hour I was sweating profusely and a half-finished potion was bubbling merrily before me.

"Very nice," Rose said, who had been looking on with keen interest. "It's not too shabby. But you have to let it sit now. For a month!"

"I don't think so," I said, feeling my chest swell with pride. And I fished one more ingredient out of the pouch. It was a small, delicate bottle filled with a light liquid.

Rose read aloud the label. "'Essence of Dittany'?"

"That's right," I said, shaking the bottle and opening it with a satisfied flourish. "This substance is known to age things, like wounds. It should speed up the whole process."

"Will it really?" Agnes asked, excitedly.

"No it won't!" Rose said, sounding furious. "Zed, that's very clever, but I'm sure someone must have thought of that already and tried it and there's probably a very good reason it isn't done."

"Hogwash," I said. "I guarantee you I'm the first one to have thought of this."

"Zed-"

But before she could utter another word, I tipped the bottle into the cauldron. The concoction began to sizzle and hiss violently. Billows of green and orange smoke poured out and sparks spat out in all directions. The entire potion felt like it was very angry but then it suddenly calmed and and hardened. The sparks fizzled away and the smoke cleared and we all looked down into a sludgy purplish substance. Exactly the way it was supposed to look... one month from now.

Albus clapped me heartily on the back. "Zed, you're a genius!"

"I know,"

"So all we have to do now is drink that?"

"No," I said, referring to the book. "It says here you have to put in something from the person you want to change into."

"Got it," Agnes said, holding up a small zip-lock bag with several jet-black hairs in it. She dropped the fluttering hairs into the cauldron and the potion immediately turned into what looked to be a greasy petrol.

"Who exactly are you turning into?" I asked.

"Ursula Qualm, the prefect," Albus said, scooping out a cup-full of the stuff. "If she isn't intimidating and scary I don't know who is." He held up the cup in the fashion of a toast. "Cheers,"

"ALBUS, NO!" Rose lunged across the cauldron and swatted the cup from her cousin's hand. It flew across the lavatory but it was already empty. It was too late. Albus had drunk it.

The next second Albus fell to the floor and began to convulse violently. His teeth were gritted and his eyes were squeezed tightly shut. His bones began to distort into odd shapes and his skin began melting like a candle. Thick spiky hairs popped up from all parts of his body and he continued to change.

Rose screamed while Agnes and I looked on with eyes wide with horror at what we had done.

I know I've been gone for a while. Been working on a completely original project. Gonna be epic. Anyways, getting back into Albus now.