Chapter Ten

Severus stirred as much as his broken body would allow, and shifted position. His head bumped against something soft beside him and he whispered something under his breath - most likely a hiss. He swallowed and his throat ached. He forced his eyelids to part but still no light penetrated his pupils - he remained submerged in darkness. He moaned and closed his eyes again, feeling an itch on his back - the part of his back he could feel - but knowing he was unable to scratch it. The anger that was rampant inside his paralysed chest threatened to rise again - he wanted to be able to move, he wanted to be able brew, he wanted to be able to see - damn it - angrier now, he tried to force his body to work - pleading with his muscles to respond - he wanted to writhe and kick out and strike against this dark prison -

"Shush. Shush. Severus. Calm down, my boy." Albus' voice, somewhere above him. How he wanted to be able to see the Headmaster, he wanted to be able to look into those eyes which he thought were blue - he wanted to see them twinkle and crinkle when he was happy - he just wanted to see some emotion - something other than the blackness. His pulse was increasing and he could hear his blood pounding inside his head, exacerbating his headache - his breathing was coming faster -

"Severus. Severus, please. I know you are angry…" Albus was trying to reason with him, but how could Albus know - he did not know what it felt like to be so hopeless, to be so pathetic, to be trapped - always trapped - why did he have to be trapped? "Make me see." He managed to force between his lips.

"I do not know how, Severus. I am trying but I do not know how…"

"Make me move. Please. Make me move."

"It will take time, Severus…"

"I don't want time!" Oh, how his throat hurt. "I want it now!" His voice scratched and broke and he struggled to breathe.

A cool hand pressed to his cheek and the side of his jaw. "You have to let your body recover. You need to be patient."

How he wanted to touch that hand with his own - he wanted to feel the roughness of the skin beneath his fingertips - he wanted to feel fingers entwine with his - "I don't like this…" He hated the darkness most of all. "I want to see! I want to see you!" His eyes were wet - he could not cry yet he could still see, how was that even possible? His breathing caught in his chest as he tried not to sob - how pathetic was this - he hated himself - himself and his stupid prison and his weakness - "Why are you doing this to me?" He pleaded, perhaps of Albus, perhaps of Voldemort, perhaps of the cruel Goddess Fate - "Why can't you let me die…"

There was no response immediately. He wanted to be able to judge expressions himself. He didn't want to have to listen.

"We will find a way through this, Severus. Trust me. We will find a way through."

There was no 'we' in this situation - it was just him in his own dark little world - he could feel something wet trickling down his nose. A finger swept the tear away, "I shall redouble my efforts." Albus was doing everything for him - he should be more grateful - "I'm sorry…"

"Don't be sorry, it's expected. Come on, now, I'll sit you up."

Arms around him - he hated being touched - but with Albus it was fine. It was acceptable. He was leant against a chest and he could feel Albus breathing and he listened hard enough, could hear a heartbeat that almost soothed him. He relaxed as best he could, happy to be in the warmth.

Albus was humming something under his breath. "Do you remember - do you remember the dance?"

Severus didn't know what he meant, so he did not answer.

"Surely you must remember, Severus? You argued against it. You swore you would not dance with me. Even though everyone else had - it wasn't as if it was odd. You were the odd one, not dancing with me…"

Yes, he did remember. He did remember, sitting in the armchair in the staffroom that he favoured - brown leather with a small white cushion and enough space for him to pull his legs up if he was reading. It was close to the fire so he could warm his cold hands - flames, flickering back and forth, bright oranges and yellows and browns. The night of the New Year party, every year there was a different theme, and Albus had determined that the theme for this one particular one would be a dance in which each teacher would be expected to dance with him. Severus had discounted that - he was only there because he enjoyed the music and the company at a lonely time of year - and the mulled wine, of course. A silver and green goblet, held in one hand and filled with the steaming liquid as he watched Albus gracefully waltz with Minerva - he was wearing soft blue and she was wearing her traditional green - the fabric looked soft. The song ending, applause from the more enthusiastic and intoxicated teachers, and Albus turning to look at Severus. Those piercing blue eyes looking straight at him and the raise of a silver eyebrow, "Well?"

Severus shaking his head adamantly, "No matter how much you top up my wine - no." And that was all he wold say on the subject, despite Albus' persistence - the party ended, the staff went their separate ways - until it was just Severus and Albus left. Albus was watching the sky, "It's a new year, now. Strange - it never feels any different. As if nothing has changed."

Severus remembered the sadness in those words more than he remembered anything else - he stood and turned the record player back up, scratching the needle onto the black. Slightly upbeat jazz music filled the silent staffroom, as he crossed to Albus. "Might I have the honour of a dance?" He bowed just slightly, smiling at Albus - who looked at him, bemused. "Quite sure?"

"New year. Nothing's changed. Nothing after this song, anyway. Until then - " He held out a hand, "Do not refuse a dance, Headmaster."

And Albus took his hand and they half danced, half laughed in time with the music.

Severus - the present day Severus in his world of black - nodded just once. "I remember."

Albus swayed them to and fro on the bed for a moment, "I should hope so. Never been so surprised in my whole life. You were a very good dancer. One day, when you are feeling up to it, you can teach the students." Albus paused. "You can see, Severus - you can see the past. Cling to it if you need to - but remember it, in all its colours and brightness - even if it is something as jokey as a dance."

Severus felt his chest move as if Albus had sighed. "I nearly lost you last night. You were on the brink. I thought you were going to pass away."

Severus did not remember that, he just remember a rather deep sleep.

"I have never been quite so frightened in my life, Severus. I know I can help you to recover. I know we can make you better. But you need to put your faith in me. You need to trust me, for a little bit longer."

Severus accepted that. He paused. "Do you remember…the beach? In Dorset?"

He felt Albus nod. "Of course."

"I can see it."

"Tell me."

"I can see your sandcastle. How upset you were when the tide came in. I can see the waves. The rock pools that we found crabs in. How they move sideways. That fascinated you. The candy floss - I hate candy floss - but you loved it. The pink, pink and light and all stuck in your beard. I see the lights of the amusement arcade. The sounds of the games. The children. There were lots of children. That machine that we put all our Muggle money in, and then you cast a spell so that all the coins fell out and we could lose them again. The brown sand and the grey rocks and the white shells - do you remember - we collected some and put them in your office." Severus lingered on the memory. "I'd like to go again, some day."

Albus was very quiet for a long time. Severus could not judge what he was doing. "…Al…Albus?"

"We'll go. We'll go again. I promise."

It took Severus a few minutes to realise that Albus was crying.