Disclaimer: Do not own. Title comes from a Robert Frost poem.
Of finalities besides the g r a v e
.xxx.
He was born on the hottest day that summer. Sticky and sweaty in the third week of August, he was scrawny and small and dark. His father looked at him and said 'oh,' lip curling and never was there a more disappointed sound.
(that is a similarity they never discover)
.xxx.
'You look like him, your brother.'
(that is the first and last thing he ever says to him)
'Only if you aren't looking.'
(is what he meant to reply but didn't)
.xxx.
He joins because Bellatrix holds him by the elbow and whispers promises that sound like threats and he's never figured out how to say no. The entire ceremony takes less than an hour, but the pain lasts for days and the dark mark lasts forever.
He's sixteen and thinks that this must be a reckless age for Blacks in general.
(he almost laughs)
He joins because Mulciber and Avery do and he's petty and angry and he doesn't have her to save him anymore. A part of him regrets it immediately but another part of him doesn't and that haunts him forever.
He's eighteen and only vaguely recalls that this is an important age for muggles.
(he hated his father anyway)
.xxx.
At thirteen he is a seeker on the Slytherin Quidditch team. That year Slytherin doesn't win the Quidditch Cup, but his brother looks at him sideways and says 'but you're not half bad, you know?' and he smiles just a little which could be compensation enough.
The next year he wins the cup and loses the brother.
(he isn't that surprised)
It is also that year when he talks to the only other Slytherin who doesn't celebrate.
('you look like your brother, you know.'
'i know.')
It's a miserable sort of conversation.
.xxx.
His brother graduates on a grey day in June. There is no ceremony, that is something muggles celebrate not wizards. But there is a feeling in the air as the seventh years' burst out of their last NEWT exams of endings and freedom.
He has no goodbyes to say. His brother has not lived in his house for two years, his name already a dark smudge in the Black family tapestry.
Still, he remembers this day and feels as if it should have been significant.
(it is too late for new beginnings)
He graduates on a grey day in June. His last exam is potions, and though he knows that he passed and passed well, he is glad to be rid of the subject.
It is a grey day and Hogwarts does not look beautiful in this light. It looks dark and foreboding and he remembers how terrified Lily was of it when she first saw it.
And yet…
He takes a risk and looks at Lily on the other side of the hall, laughing with some friends. She is not with Potter. He allows himself a smile.
He will miss this place after all.
(but he can't imagine himself coming back)
.xxx.
In one year he loses his best friend, nearly dies, and is saved by his rival. He is fifteen and he thinks that this is as old as he will get – this is the bitterest of defeats.
A year ago an emerald eyed girl might've laughed and said 'oh sev, don't be so melodramatic!' but she's already gone.
(he knew he couldn't have kept her long)
That year only one boy asks if he misses her.
('no.'
'it's ok, i'm a better liar than you are.')
The boy smirks like his brother.
.xxx.
He kills two mudbloods a year after joining. Bellatrix is proud, she pats him on the head fondly, making him feel like a dog. He kills them quickly and quietly, the exact opposite of what she would have done, but he doesn't throw up.
The next morning he can't remember their faces. He wonders if he cares.
(he may not throw up, but that morning he cannot breathe)
His first kill is in battle, or at least he thinks so. He will never be sure.
What he does remember is that the next day he sits next to a grey eyed boy and asks 'do you ever worry that we'll kill your brother?'
'do you ever worry that we'll kill your mudblood?'
(neither of them finds an answer)
.xxx.
The last time he sees his brother is the week before he dies.
It's an accident actually, he just barely glances around a street corner, but there he is, his arms hanging around the shoulders of Potter and Lupin while that Pettigrew boy tries desperately to keep up from behind. He is laughing wildly, eyes closed and crinkled he looks almost delirious, and Potter and Lupin cast exasperated looks at each other from behind his back.
None of them see him except Pettigrew who for half a second looks like he is going to say something, but then doesn't.
(he doesn't know if he hates Pettigrew more for almost speaking or for not)
Two days before his death he speaks to his brother's most hated schoolmate.
('you look like your brother, you know?'
'i wish.')
It's the closest he has come to the truth.
.xxx.
When Kreacher tells him about the cave and the Dark Lord, he already knows. He already knows and he is scared and mad and he already knows. He already knows what he has to do.
He is eighteen and he feels a little wild and a little crazy and a little free. This is the closest he ever gets to feeling like his brother.
(this is the closest he ever gets to living)
When he hears Trelawney's prediction about a savior and the Dark Lord, he doesn't know. He doesn't know and he is scared and mad and he doesn't know. He doesn't know what he is about to cause.
He is twenty-one and feels a little nervous and a little lost and a little claustrophobic. This is the closest he ever gets to living Regulus Black's life.
(a year ago a grey eyed boy died and he never made the connection)
.xxx.
The last time he sees Lily Evans he doesn't. She isn't Lily Evans anymore, she is Lily Potter, and he lost her long before he realized he should start collecting last memories.
The last time he sees Lily Evans he doesn't. He can't remember the last moment however much he tries and thinks he should.
The last time he sees Lily Evans he doesn't. He goes home alone and doesn't have a conversation with anyone, least of all a grey eyed boy who looks like his brother and who he hasn't even realized has died yet.
The last time he sees Lily Evans he doesn't.
(and this almost breaks him more than her death)
.xxx.
Regulus Black drowns.
Severus Snape bleeds.
(and therein lies the difference)
.xxx.
A/N: So yeah, erm, this was a kind of weird fic to write even by my standards. I don't know what's up with me and writing man!angst-friendships lately (and this is a man!angst-friendship that isn't even close to canon nor even much of a friendship...). Sorry if it's really confusing, I started writing without using names and then I stubbornly refused to go back and add names because I'm silly. Um, hope it was ok anyway?