The first thing for Supernatural I ever wrote.

There was rarely a day that passed that Dean didn't hate himself, and everything he'd become.

At a young age, he'd had so many expectations for himself, so many dreams and desires and wishes that he had a lifetime to realize. He was going to become a great hunter, just like his dad, and he'd be exactly the kind of person that Sammy could look up to. He would save people and never worry about things like school or kids or money, because he'd have his dad and he'd have his brother and that was all he needed.

He lied to himself every morning when he woke up, even when everything seemed hopeless and bleak and Sam wasn't his Sammy anymore, and their dad was gone and there were demons everywhere and angels that were bent on destroying the world.

He lied to himself each time he looked into the mirror and saw every new line that had etched itself onto his face, every new scar that told a story that he only wanted to forget, drowning his memories in alcohol and women until they were all one continuous blur.

He lied to himself every time he put his baby into reverse, even as the purr of her engine momentarily soothed his weary bones, tricking himself into believing that he still had a snowballs chance. That everything would turn out alright and he could still be the man that he'd wanted to be all those years ago, when he was still innocent and naive and so damn stupid.

He still lies to himself every night before he goes to sleep, tells himself that tomorrow will be different, that tomorrow will be the day that everything changes. He doesn't believe himself anymore, but the lies are almost all he has keeping him from insanity and so he needs them, the way he needs air.

And every night before bed, he purses his lips tight and wills back the tears, because crying would solve nothing, and the man that he'd always wanted to be wouldn't cry, so why should he?

When the lights go out he closes his eyes and forces himself to sleep, his only comfort the sound of Sam breathing in the other bed, and the fact that after all these years and all his mistakes, he still has his brother beside him.