Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or anything related to or from it. All copyrights belong to Noriaki 'Tite' Kubo. I only own the plot.

Pairings: None

Warnings: Some cursing.

Summary: Rukia has a brother complex. She also has a questionable logic. Unfortunately, Renji is stuck in the middle of it all.

A.N. This is just a stray thought that entered my mind and wouldn't leave me. I hope they are in character as this is my first Bleach fanfiction. And, hopefully you'll find it humorous.

The Nii-sama Issue

It was a cool summer night in Karakura Town. Ichigo was out with his family due to his idiotic father's command for a family outing. Renji and Rukia decided to catch up with each other and had declined to join Ichigo. It was during a quiet lull in their conversation normally filled with laughter and reminiscing and quite a few punches from Rukia due to Renji's crude humor and pillow fights which Renji swear never happened as it wasn't a manly thing to do that Rukia started the whole darn issue.

Laying on her stomach and idly playing with a fray thread from her pillow, she asked, "Renji, who is Nii-sama?"

"Your brother, dumbass," snorted Renji. "I would have thought you of all people knew that."

"Shut up you overgrown monkey," growled Rukia. "That's not what I meant."

"I'm NOT an overgrown monkey, you midget, and say what you meant instead of saying otherwise." Renji scowled.

Rukia took a calm, deep breath.

Renji, sensing there was something deep and possibly meaningful possibly coming up, patted Rukia on the shoulder. "Hey, seriously, what's on your mind?"

"You know I consider you as my brother correct?"

"Yes, and you're my sister. Bonds of family forged through trials and all that crap."

"And, Nii-sama has adopted me as his sister."

"Yeah, and your point."

"Well, he considers me to be his sister, and I consider Nii-sama to be my brother."

"AND," said Renji impatiently, "Get on with it."

"So, who is Nii-sama to you?"

Renji automatically replied. "He's my taicho."

Rukia responded swiftly with a smack to his head leading to Renji's screech ofpain.

"Owww, what the fuck Rukia? What the hell you do that for?"

"Wrong answer."

"How'd the hell is that the wrong answer?"

"He is Nii-sama."

"Yeah. So?"

"So, who is Nii-sama?"

"He's my taicho."
There was a slight pause just before Rukia smacked him in the face with a pillow.

Renji rubbed a hand over his face and glared at her. "Would you fuckin' stop that? How is that wrong? He IS my taicho."

Rukia stood up, and raised a hand to the air. "I've been pondering about something Renji, and it is something that has troubled me for a long time. Renji."

He looked at her expectantly.

"Renji, I have come to a profound conclusion. Renji, you and Nii-sama are…" she paused dramatically. "…Brothers."

Renji had a bewilder look on his face. "The fuck?"

"Yes, brothers. And as such, I have decided you must address Nii-sama by his proper title and demonstrate proper respect for him. You must address him as 'Nii-sama'."

"W-wait a minute. Where the fuck did that come from? He's my taicho, and he ain't my brother, don't ya think I would know that."

Rukia look at Renji as if he was an utter idiot who couldn't add two plus two.

"You're my brother and he's my brother. And, I am sister to both of you; therefore, you must be brothers to each other. Obviously, you suck at logic. Nii-sama is older than you, and has more experience than you as well as being a noble, as such; you have to address Nii-sama as Nii-sama also."

Rukia said this as if this should be glaringly clear and she had that glint in her eyes that promised swift retribution if Renji didn't do as she said.

"But, he's my taicho," protested Renji, "I can't fuckin' call him that. I hate him—well, used to hate him—he's my rival, competitor, and uhh, taicho."

Rukia simply looked at him. "Sibling rivalry. Now, repeat after me. Taicho is Nii-sama."

With great reluctance, Renji repeated the words. "Taicho is Nii-sama." He just knew he was going to get in trouble for this.

"Renji, who is Nii-sama?"

"He is my Taicho."

Smack. "Wrong. "

"Oww, quit that, Rukia."

"He is Nii-Sama. Renji, who is Nii-Sama?"

"Tai—okay I get it," Renji said as he was about to received another smack. "He is my Nii-sama."

"Who is Nii-sama?"

"He is my Nii-sama."

Rukia nodded approvingly at Renji. "Very good, Renji. Again."

"He is tai—I mean, Nii-sama."

"I can see that you will require weeks of training, probably a smack to the head as punishment anytime you use taicho instead of Nii-sama."

Renji twitched.

"Again."

"…Taicho is my Nii-sama."

Omake One:

"Fuck, it's been a long day," said Renji, lounging on Ichigo's bed.

"Why the hell are you here?" asked Ichigo, "Don't you have to report back to your captain? Instead of lazing around?"

"Cause I don't wanna be around taicho right now. He's in a pissy mood."

"What you do to piss him off?"

Renji scowled. "Shut up you stupid strawberry. I didn't do a thing. Nii-sama is just pissed off because of paperwork backup from the eleventh."

Ichigo had a confused look on his face, his mouth opened in shock. "D-did I just hear that right?"

"Hear what?"

"You'd called Byakuya 'Nii-sama'."

"Don't call Nii-sama by his name," Renji punched Ichigo in the arm. "It's disrespectful."

"Oh, my god, you did." Ichigo burst out laughing. "Oh, my god, what the hell happened? Why are you calling Byakuya 'Nii-sama'? I thought only Rukia call him that."

Face flushing red, Renji turned his head away and mumbled a garble of words.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you," teased Ichigo.

"I SAID, RUKIA TOLD ME TO," shouted Renji in irritation. Then, in softer voice, he said, "Rukia got some bizarre notions that because Nii-sama and I were her brothers, then Nii-sama and I must be brothers. She is training me to call taicho 'Nii-sama'."

Feeling a little uncomfortable, he snapped, "What?"

Ichigo just smirked, and leaned forward in his chair. "Nothing, just wondering. What did Byakuya said about this?"

"Nuthin' yet, I have so far manage not to say it to his face," admitted Renji. "Although, Rukia is still trying to get me to do so. I'm hoping it never happens."

"Wait a second, didn't you like Rukia before? And, you must like Byakuya now, since you guys are working so harmoniously together. So, isn't that a little incestuous? Calling your crush 'Nii-sama'?"

"Shut up, strawberry," Renji gritted his teeth. "I don't like either of them in that way, and that's just sick. Stupid rumors."

"A very incestuous triangle."

"Stop imagining it, you sick freak," Renji slammed his fist hard into Ichigo's stomach.

All hell promptly ensued.

Omake Two:

"Renji." This was said in stern yet slightly irritated tone. It was amazing how many different ways Nii-sama could say his name and easily demonstrated his mood.

"H-hai, Taicho?" Renji looked up nervously.

Thin lips pursed in a tiny frown. "Why has the deployment of missions been delayed? I would have thought you had completed it and sent the necessary paperwork to our workers."

The words 'By Now' were heavily implied.

Renji thought hastily and panicked. He threw himself in front of his taicho, with his head and hands placed on the floor before him.

"My apologizes, Taicho. I had completed it but I didn't send the new orders out, because well, I don't have them. I needed to make new copies and I was in the process of filling them out again. Uh, Nii-sama, please don't be mad." Renji cringed in anticipated pain.

There was a moment of stunned silence.

"I see." Byakuya's face was completely blank. "And, tell me, Renji, why is it that you must acquired additional copies?"

"Uh, I received the information f-from the eleventh, and they, uh…" sputtered Renji.

Byakuya stared at him pointedly. "Ren-ji."

"They screwed up the paperwork and I had to get the originals from Sou-taicho but I didn't find out till later because the eleventh lied and said they had it but they gave it to the fifth, and I'm so sorry, Nii-sama, please don't kill me." He screwed his eyes shut.

"Very well, Renji," Byakuya said. "I see that you are not at fault this time."

"H-hai, Nii-sama."

"I will speak to Zaraki-taicho regarding this matter. You may return to your paperwork."

Renji nodded and quickly seated himself, immersing himself in the tedious work.

"Renji."

"Hai?"

"You realize that you have referred to me as 'Nii-sama' instead of 'taicho', correct?"

Renji blanched with horror. "No. I'm sorry, sir."

"Ah."

There was a small pause.

"Isn't that a little incestuous, Renji?"

Omake Three:

"You realized that you have referred to me as 'Nii-sama' instead of 'taicho', correct?"

Renji choke in horror. "I, uh, no. I apologized, taicho."

"You apologized for what purpose?"

"For calling you Nii-sama."

"I see."

His lips curved in slight amusement.

"You may continue to address me as Nii-sama, Renji."