Just as Harry slammed into the ground all he could think was: Damn. Not again.

Cedric was getting up and looking around before seeing that Harry was still lying on the ground. "You okay?"

Harry finally opened his eyes and looked at Cedric. "Just contemplating how much my life sucks."

Cedric just stared at Harry. "Umm….okay? Did anyone tell you that the cup was a portkey?"

"Nope. Which means it probably wasn't supposed to happen. This is probably the whole reason someone put my name in the goblet and got me in the stupid tournament to begin with. Hence, my life sucks."

"Okay….Do you think we should take out our wands?"

Harry looked at Cedric with a DUH look before getting up and taking out his wand. "I would say that we should considering I see someone coming toward us. I would also get down."

Cedric looked at Harry weird. "Why?"

"Cos my head is killing me so Voldemort is near."

Cedric's eyes went wide before he barely dodged a green light that was aimed for where he was seconds before. He didn't watch where he was jumping and his head hit a tombstone.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Pretty boys! Can't do anything, can you? Erg!" Harry was yanked over to a tombstone that he saw belonged to TOM RIDDLE.

Harry looked very confused and missed the entire ritual including getting his arm cut open by Pettigrew because he was trying to figure out how Voldemort had a grave. If he was listening he would have realized that the grave belonged to Voldie's father but Harry didn't notice anything until Voldemort starting calling his death eaters and felt his head nearly split open.

"Holy fuck that hurt! What the hell?"

"So you finally decided to join us, Harry?" Before either of them could say more, the air was filled with the sounds of cloaks as wizards apparated from all over. They formed a circle around Harry and Voldemort before one by one they kissed the hem of Voldemort's robe.

"Eww," Harry remarked.

"And what may I ask is Eww," inquired Voldemort, looking like he was waiting for a reason to curse someone.

"I mean, you look like a demonic snake freak. I can't figure out how you got the purebloods especially Lucius Malfoy to follow you. I mean, he is the gayest wizard on the face of the planet. No offense to gay wizards but he takes it to the extreme and I kind of wonder how Draco was born. I could understand if you looked like you did when you were younger because you were much hotter when you were 16 but now you look fugly."

"And how do you know what I looked like when I was 16, Potter?"

Harry turned bright red before coughing. "I may have had a run in with your diary when I was twelve and I may have had an…encounter with your 16 year old self."

Voldemort twirled around until he was in front of Malfoy. "How did Harry Potter come into the possession of my diary?"

Malfoy started to sputter and try to come up with a reply that wouldn't result in his death.

Harry decided to be the good guy he is supposed to be and help Malfoy out. "He was trying to discredit the Weasleys and nearly revived you in the process. Until I stopped your younger self from killing Ginny in exchange for someone else if he could answer a question that I posed to him. He took a part of my life force to make sure I never go back on our deal."

Voldemort looked contemplative before he smirked, making Harry very uncomfortable. "Potter, there aren't that many ways to take someone's life force without killing them or someone else. My younger self would have had to do a ritual which I would say he didn't do since that would take too much time or…"

Harry was bright red by this point which made Voldemort smirk more. "FINE! I made out with your diary self. Okay? He was hot and I was a 12 year old boy. Sue me for being controlled by hormones!"

Voldemort just laughed his laugh that actually sounds more like a cackle while the death eaters looked confused and Harry looked annoyed. "Okay, okay. We get it. The Great Boy-Who-Lived made out with the enemy. Big deal. Although I do have a question, how is it that I am on the grave of Tom Riddle when you are Tom Riddle?"

Voldemort looked really annoyed. "Did you sleep through the entire ritual where Pettigrew explained that you are on my father's grave?" Pointing to Pettigrew who bled to death during this conversation.

Harry looked mildly embarrassed. "Not asleep, per say. Merely day dreaming." Harry refused to look at Voldemort before his eyes got wide and he stared at Voldemort with his mouth open. "Wait, YOU'RE A JUNIOR!" Harry proceeded to fall over laughing at the fact that Voldie was a junior while Voldemort looked both embarrassed and annoyed.

"Shut up, you brat!" Voldemort said before trying to curse Harry but miraculously missing because Harry was rolling on the ground.

"Okay. I'm better now…Junior." Before falling into a giggle fit again.

"Erg! I am not a junior! I am Lord Voldemort!"

"If you say so, Voldie. Can we get through this battle thing so I can go look at your teenage self cos he is way better looking."

Voldemort looked annoying. "I can't help the way I look. This is the result of years of rituals to make myself stronger and immortal."

"See that is one of the things I discussed with your younger self. Why do you want to live forever? You have to deal with annoying people forever. Also, why take over the world? You really have to deal with annoying people because they are always telling you their problems and expect you to fix them. Then you get annoyed and kill them and then their family swears vengeance and you have to kill the family before more family pops out of the woodwork with all their friends and then you have a mob after you for this one annoying dude that no one actually like but they feel they have to avenge because it is the principle of the thing and then you spend all week picking off mob members until they get bored and more gossip comes along for them to deal with until the next week when you have to do it all over again because of some other annoying dude. It really isn't worth it." Harry nodded at the end of his really long and annoying rant.

Voldemort just stared before looking at Lucius who just strugged before looking in a mirror because he thought he saw a gray hair. Malfoys don't get gray hairs!

"Look. How about we hold off on this whole duel thing until you have a reason to rule the world? I will even send you the diary so that you can merge together and become good looking again. It will make the world a much prettier place." Harry then grabbed Pettigrews body, Cedric's still unconscious body and the portkey back to Hogwarts before anyone could move.

Back at Hogwarts…

Harry landed on top of Cedric with Pettigrew's body lying beside them. There was complete silence around the stadium before Harry looked up. "Sorry about the dead dude but I thought I would bring him and point out to Fudge that his reasoning involving Sirius is flawed. Also Cedric is unconscious because the idiot hit his head on a tombstone dodging the killing curse so I think he needs medical attention." That last statement made Poppy spring into action faster than you would think she could.

While this chaos was going on, more chaos was started when Crouch Jr.'s polyjuice potion ran out and he transformed in front of a full stadium. Harry just stared at him. "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

Crouch ran off before anyone could catch him and no one bothered to ask Harry where the portkey took him or what else happened.

Pettigrew's body made them review Black's case before realizing they didn't actually give him a trial. They didn't know what to do until they received memories by owl of the secret keeper switch and the night in 3rd year that explained everything. Sirius was pardoned and gained custody of Harry.

Elsewhere in an impressive manor with albino peacocks in the front a man with a newly formed nose and slowly growing hair on his head contemplated a certain boy hero. "You do make an interesting equal, don't you?" Voldemort smirked. (You better have known it was him cos Malfoys don't do bald.) "You will make a wonderful consort, won't you?" Evil laughter could be heard all over the manor into the night. (All the Malfoys had up silencing charms because they needed their beauty sleep. Also ignore the hairnet on Lucius's head. He must keep his hair perfect at all times.)

Back at Grimmauld's Place Harry sneezed, wondered who could be talking about him before shrugging and going to stop Sirius and Kreacher from trying to kill each other. Again.

AN: This is more of a transition between 2nd year and 7th year. I will already tell you that I will be disregarding a vast majority of the last three books. Sirius and Remus will be together because they were made for each other. Also, smut/slight bestiality/gay porn will be involved because that is the best for TMR/HP. XD I swear it is the real reason for parseltongue. Salazar was a kinky bastard, I know it!