[Thank you to everyone for putting up with me. You're all lovely people. And I'm pretty sure this is still going to be terrible.]

Jasdero

Recently, I've been trying to teach David how to wake up earlier.

It's strange, because I wake up at what Tyki calls 'too-goddamn-early', but David – well – David usually wakes up so late that the rest of us have already eaten breakfast and brushed our teeth and sometimes had lunch by the time he's out of bed. I don't really understand it. We're the same, but there's just this one little thing that isn't the same and it's bugging me so I am trying to fix it.

There is one tiny little problem. It's very, very difficult to get David out of bed when he doesn't want to. I've tried. Tyki's tried, and Road, and Lulu, and even Skin's tried, and the Earl once or twice but so far nothing's worked, he just lies there or else he gets really mad like the one time when he threw a lamp at Tyki and Tyki went around with a big bruise on one eye for days afterwards which made me laugh every time I saw him.

And now it's my turn again. That's why I'm standing here and – I check the clock – the big hand is on the nine and the small hand is stuck between the three and the four but the clock's been like that for so long that I'm starting to think it might be lying to me. Nothing we own lasts very long.

I stare at the tangled mess of sheets and duvet and pillow, and I think, somewhere in all that is my brother and how am I going to get him up?

Our room isn't the same any more, not since the Earl moved house and took us all with him. Two months ago, when the old one broke. Our room is bigger, and there's more space for stuff and us and we've done our best to make a lot of mess and I think so far we've done a good job, but no one's thought to thank us yet.

I miss our old beds. They were softer, and comfier, and had black sheets and there were what the Boss calls 'fourposter' and I all know is that means they have their own roofs with big curtains that we used to draw around them to play forts. We can't do that no more, not since our new beds aren't 'fourposter', they're just normal with metal curly frames that Road calls 'decorative' and Tyki calls 'gothic' and the Earl calls 'ex-skweez-eet' and David calls 'goawayandleavemealoneimtired'. I stopped asking him questions in the middle of the night after that.

Maybe it's my fault that I'm tired. I mean, that he's tired. David.

"Sorry, Debi," I say out loud. Nothing moves. So I pull at the end of his duvet. "Debi."

There's no reply, but that could mean two things, it could mean he's still asleep and didn't hear me or it could mean that he is awake but he's still cross and doesn't want to answer because then he'll have to get up.

Silly David, I know it's the second one. He can't hide from me. "I know you're awake, David."

Silence.

"Boss is making pancakes, hee!"

Silence.

"Don'tcha want none?"

I stand there in the silence, with the clock that lies to me staring back from the table, and I suddenly remember this one morning, that really strange morning, back in our old house, and I remember the only person I've ever met who's managed to wake David up he doesn't want to be woken up.

I don't even realise I've sat down but I suddenly realise I'm on the floor.

David is staring at me from over the bed.

"What did you say?"

I look up at him. What did I say?

"Floor…clock…er…pancakes. Pancakes, Debi."

He screws his eyes up and puts a hand to his forehead. "Uurgh…not that…Something else." His hair is sticking up funny. "What did you say, Jasdero?"

He looks at me, and I can see him struggling to remember. "There was – you…blonde hair," he mumbles vaguely. "Something about blonde hair."

"I don't remember, Debitto."

"No…no, you wouldn't…" He disappears again, burying his face in the pillow.

David

When I next lift my head, Jasdero's gone.

I flop back onto the pillow, and roll onto my back to stare at the ceiling. I do this a lot. It's kind of interesting, finding patterns in the swirls, and there's one just above my bed to the left that looks like a dragon eating its own tail, if you squint.

I stare at the dragon and wait for my brain to catch up with me

God, I really don't do mornings.

David! Road's trying to take your breakfast!

Coming, Jas.

I can smell pancakes through the floor. It smells good.

Gnngh. Fucking mornings. This is always the worst part, the bit when you have to swing your legs out of bed and put your feet on the floor and it's always cold, no matter how warm you make it in the room, it's always colder outside the duvet and that's why I always start the day with a sort of race to get dressed.

This time I'm halfway down the hall before I realise my shirt's on backwards. Which is better than yesterday, I suppose.

I stop on the stairs. There it is again. Blonde hair. I close my eyes, thinking to shut it out, but stupid stupid of course that's not going to work, it only makes it worse. I see it like a picture, like a photograph only I've never seen a colour photograph like this before. Never seen a photograph of yellow on red.

I miss the last step and practically fall through the breakfast door.

"Shut up. It's how I open doors now."

"How avant-garde."

"Shut up, Tyki."

He doesn't even look up from his newspaper, just takes a sip of his tea. I'd kill him right here and now (I would, I really would) but the Earl is smiling at me from the head of the table.

"Good morning, Debitto."

I clench my fists at my side – ignore Tyki, ignore him – and sit down. "Good morning, Earl."

Jasdero beams at me through a mask of syrupy lemon and butter. "Pancakes, Debi!"

Opposite him, Road has three pancakes and is covering them with sugar and lemon too and strawberry jam and then she takes three sugar cubes and puts them one on top of the other right in the middle of the pancake.

Tyki glares at her. "Do you want your teeth to fall out?"

"Yes," she says, and stuffs them in all at once.

"You little bitch, you better not have touched any of my pancakes," I snarl, I am fucking hungry, and she always eats everything even thought she's tiny, it's not fair.

"No need for that," tuts the Earl. I'd almost forgotten he was there. He can do that, and it always scares me when I remember at the last minute he's not gone after all. "Here, David."

Thank god. I take my plate. Jasdero starts counting strawberries next to me, and grins.

"I'll have what you don't want," says Road, already watching me like a goddamn hawk.

"Fuck you!"

"David, we've talked about this language problem," sighs the Earl. He gets to his feet.

Instantly I stop eating, and I feel a sort of sick feeling in my stomach, right where hunger was just a second ago. Is he angry? Did I go too far?

Jasdero whines, and climbs under the table. Real mature, Jas.

I think everyone watches the Earl, as he pushes his chair back, scoops up his plates, and slowly, almost like he's enjoying this, walks around the table towards me.

I flinch as he pauses behind me, and then he puts a hand on my head. "I'm going out now. Be good."

My heart carries on thumping after the door closes behind him. Even Tyki takes a while to relax again.

"I thought you were gonna get it, Debi!" says Jasdero as he scrambles back into his chair. "Really really!"

"Don't – don't be stupid, Jas." I take a deep breath, and feel my appetite return. Road is watching me as I eat. "And you, quit it, bitch."

"David…" says Tyki sternly.

I put my arm around my plate, just in case, 'cuz I know what Road is like. "Quit it! This is my breakfast."

"You looked like you lost your appetite, that's all," she says, looking away. "He wasn't really going to hurt you, you know."

"I know that!"

"But he could!"

"Shut up, Jasdero."

"But he – "

"Jasdero!"

He presses his lips together so hard they tremble. "But he could…" he whispers to himself, and then rests his chin on the table.

He could.

I pick at my pancake. Next to me, Jasdero's finished his, and he's trying to make a little tower of sugar cubes only it's not working out so good and it keeps falling over in his hands.

He gives up, and presses a cheek on the table, looking weirdly…well, thoughtful, for Jasdero.

Blonde hair.

Who?

I look sharply at him. "Stop it, Jas."

"Who?" he presses. I hit him with my fork. "I said, stop it!" It's hard, trying to forget something when the other half of you is trying almost as hard to remember it. Believe me.

He clutches his head, but he doesn't cry like I expected him to. He just stares at me. "Who?" he asks again.

I don't know what he means, so I just shrug and say, "yeah Jas, you're right. You do have blonde hair."

To my surprise, he nods. Like he's satisfied with that. So I relax too, because I realise I'm being stupid, of course he has blonde hair, I need to stop this, stop pretending I can remember stuff that doesn't even exist (at least, not any more, not for us), stop remembering blonde hair and long hair and short hair and that exact shade of red and –

Jasdero! Stop it!

I shake my head, and push another pancake in. It tastes good. The coffee smells good too. I don't drink coffee (I'm not allowed) but I like the smell, it smells of morning and fresh and daytime.

Jasdero ruins my morning for me with his next words. "But…Debi. I don't have blue eyes."

Even Tyki's interested now. "What are you talking about, Jasdero?"

My brother stares at me, hard, so I have to close my eyes. Yes, yes he's right. Jasdero doesn't have blue eyes, of course he doesn't, and I don't know why I even thought that, and besides where did blue eyes come from anyway? They're not important, it's not important, and she certainly isn't –

"Roaaad…."

I open my eyes again. I know what's coming next, I know exactly, and I'd still know even I couldn't see the words mapped out in my brother's brain, I know what's going to happen word-for-word cuz he's been thinking 'bout it nearly every day.

Road sighs. "What, Jasdero?"

"Your Dreams."

"Yes, Jasdero."

"Can they travel?"

"What?"

"Like the Ark," says Jasdero, picking at the bandages on his left hand in a fidgety kind of way. "You can travel, right. Like, between space. And…and places."

Tyki raises an eyebrow. "That is generally how travel works, Jasdero."

"Shut up, Tyki," I spit at him. Asshole.

Road is watching Jasdero with a funny look in her eyes, and I don't like, I wish she'd just talk to him straight for once and get it over with. Jasdero's been in a weird mood for a while now and for some reason he's got it into his head that Road - Road – can help him.

And I thought there was something wrong with him, I got scared, so scared, a few times, I couldn't work out what he was thinking because it was so muddled and he was so – so sad sometimes, but now – now… I think I only couldn't see it properly because I've been so angry and miserable too.

It's a weird sensation, thinking about my feelings, and I don't think I like it. It's sort of uncomfortable.

Road is still looking at Jasdero. "You know, Jasdero, you've been talking like this for weeks, but I still don't get it. What do you want?"

He blinks very fast, which is unusual for Jasdero. His mind is a blur. "I – I want – I want…" He's getting upset.

"Blonde hair," I say out loud, cuz it's the first thing that I think of, and I immediately regret it, now everyone's staring at me (I hate that!) and it was such a stupid thing to say that I flush. "And blue eyes," I add, because they go together, hand in hand. "Blonde hair and blue eyes."

"What are you talking about?"

"Elizabeth."

And we all stare at Tyki.

He shrugs. "That was her name, wasn't it?" And he sips his tea, like what he said meant nothing at all.

"Are you talking about those sisters?" ask Road curiously. I don't even realise how hard I'm squeezing the fork until I look down at my hand and see a red mark across my palm. I drop it quickly.

"That's right, that's right, Lizabeth." Jasdero nods real hard. "That's it." We see her in our mind's eye, tall and blonde and she turns around and her eyes flash and she starts shouting at me. Again. I cover my ears, and she goes away.

"We want to go to Elizabeth."

"No we don't."

"We do!"

"You do!"

And then a really weird thing happens. Jasdero turns to me, folds his arms and says, "then I'll go by myself."

I snort, cuz he's obviously got no idea what he's saying. Crazy Jas. "Huh. You're not."

"Am so."

"Yeah, right."

"I'll get Road to help me and I'll go away without you."

"That's funny, Jas. Are you done now? Let's go to the garden."

And he doesn't move.

I stare back at him. No. No, no no no no no no no – don't be stupid, Jasdero. We're us, you can't go anywhere without me and you can't do anything without me, so stop talking like this. I don't want to have anything to do with this.

"Well I do."

"But – "

"Debi!"

I stare helplessly across the table at Road. She grins wickedly back. I should have known she'd be on his side.

"I'll see what I can do."

I glare at Jasdero.

What have you gotten us into now?