A/N: Just a heads up before you read this story, there will be a few tid-bits of information thrown in, in later chapters, that we've learned from Pottermore. If you haven't gotten a Pottermore early-entry, and don't want to know anything about what's included, you should probably know that I will not be pointing out where there are spoilers. So you can either continue reading, and never realize that you read spoilers, or wait until it's already come out. But don't worry, It wont be until at least chapter 10, and I'm not sure if that will even be out before October. :) I'm trying to keep the story as Canon as possible, and that now includes things we're learning from Pottermore.
First and foremost, this is a story of growing up. It's a story of falling in and out of love, or lust. It's a story of learning what's right and what's wrong. It's a story of the scary and unforeseen future, no matter how hard we try at Divination. It's a story of acceptance, and learning to love, faults and all.
And, Disclaimer/Dedication: I own a lot of things, including a rambunctious two year old puppy, a massive collection of records, and this story. Unfortunately Harry Potter and the Universe surrounding him is one of the things I do not own. J.K. Rowling has those, and we all owe her a lot of love. I guess you could say this story is dedicated to her, for everything she has done for me. This is also dedicated to every boy I ever dated, my best friends, and every boy/girl they have ever dated. For without them and all of our, most time's juvenile and messed-up relationships, I wouldn't have inspiration for most of this story.
Firewhiskey
Chapter 1: Chemicals
We spend our summers writing songs
Of how we'd never make it on our own
But here we are.
-Tigers Jaw - Chemicals
The summer changed everything. Maybe it was being seventeen, making adult decisions, being allowed to go out on her own... regardless, Lily knew, the summer changed everything. This, funny enough, was all Lily Evans could think about as she broke the heart of Mashall Bradshaw.
Marshall Bradshaw was nice enough. He had decent, pale brown eyes, a nice head of full, brown hair, a lean, toned body from Quidditch playing. His marks were good, he was certainly clever - clever enough to become Ravenclaw Prefect. He was charming, sure. Teachers loved him, girls swooned over him, blokes even respected him. He was, in all escence of the word, perfect.
Lily Evans, however, was completely and utterly bored with him.
"It's not that I don't like you, Marshall." She bit her lip awkwardly.
"You do like me, then?" Marshall asked stupidly, a pittiful look across his face.
"Yes, you're very agreeable, and all." Lily sighed. "It's just... I don't... I don't like you, like you." She sputtered the poor explanation, feeling slightly stupid as soon as it left her lips.
She had been here a hundred times. Meeting a boy, falling for said boy, growing bored of him within weeks, and then having to be the bearer of bad news. Lily Evans grew bored far too easily.
"So you... you led me on, did you?" Marshall crossed his arms, his brown eyes flaring angrily.
"Of course not, Marshall... I..." She took a deep breath. This was her least favorite part of the break up process.
"You what?"
"I don't want to waste your time. I can't see being with you in the long run, and so I'm letting you know now before things get too... you know..." She was methodic. She knew, by this point, just what to say. Clean, precise, hurt feelings as little as possible.
"No, I don't know. We're seventeen, you don't have to see yourself with me for the rest of your life." Marshall sat himself down on the edge of his seat. "I just... I don't understand you."
"Not many people do..." She paused, and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Look, I'm sorry, Marshall. You're a really fantastic bloke, and an amazing boyfriend, really. You'll find a girl someday that is as happy with you as you are with her. I'm just... not that girl."
"Yeah, I'm sure." Marshall shrugged, His eyes glancing out the window, seemingly bored by the exchange.
"I suppose that's all, then." Lily bit her lip yet again and turned to leave. As she reached the compartment door, pulling it open with a guilty hand, she turned to catch his face. He stared down at his shoes. His eyes closed. "Sorry, Marshall. Really, you're great."
"It's not me, it's you, huh?" He laughed bitterly.
"Unfortunately, it's always me." She leaned back in, kissed his cheek, and left the compartment. Once outside, she leaned against the door. Of course, Lily Evans, it's always you.
This wasn't the beginning of the story, of course. Nor was it the end. James and Lily might bicker of where it really started, but for Lily, this wasn't it. And, well, they bickered over most things. For Lily Evans, the story started over a bottle of butterbeer and a bowl of mint ice cream, a few days before the start of term. It started with words spewing from James Potters possibly over-sized mouth.
"Everyone dies, Evans." He shrugged. Lily blinked at him, and set down her spoon. Her mint ice cream was quickly turning into a puddle of gooey green liquid in the midst of the setting summer sun.
"Well, obviously." She rolled her eyes simply. "I'd just rather not risk an early grave by venturing down Knockturn Alley."
"It's not so bad." spoke the raggedy headed boy next to James. Sirius Black shrugged. "My family took me there loads of times when I was a kid."
"Your family isn't exactly the best judge of character, now is it, Black?" Laughed Lily. Sirius scoffed, a fake morose look on his face.
"Look, Lily, Knockturn Alley is much closer than walking all the way back to the 'Cauldron to floo. We can skip out from that dingy pub at the end of Knockturn Alley, quick and easy." Lilys friend tried to reason with her. Her eyes locked onto Lilys, pleadingly. Lily knew full and well that Marlene wanted the excuse to spend more time with the boys across the table from them, but she certaintly did not think that awarded a trip down the dingy side-street.
"No thank you." Lily crossed her arms pointedly. She bit her lip a moment as she glanced into Marlene's pleading hazel eyes. "Alright, fine, you go down there. I'll be fine walking back to the 'Cauldron alone. Maybe I'll even do a last stop by Florish and Blotts. Go on!"
Marlene picked up her purse skeptically, her eyes not leaving Lily's.
"Really, Lily, it's not so bad... are you sure?" Marlene questioned.
"I'm sure." Lily smiled. Marlene patted her friends hand, and followed the two boys from the ice cream parlor. With a deep breath, Lily turned the other direction, towards the end of Diagon Alley.
"Alright, Evans, spill." Came a voice from behind her, moments later. Lily nearly jumped out of her shoes as she turned around to see James Potter staring down at her. He was much taller than her 5'7", and his bright hazel eyes examined her well. This was one of the first times Lily had noticed just how much he had grown since she had met him. He was no longer lanky and thin, his body and face had filled out well, though Lily wasn't one to admit it. James Potter had never been one of her favorite people in the world, Though things had grown better since their early years. They no longer fought outright as much as they jousted around their words.
"Spill what?" She asked, utterly flabbergasted.
"Whats wrong with Knockturn Alley?" He asked.
With James Potter towering intimidatingly over her, Lily shrugged. "Aren't our friends waiting for you?"
"Nah, told 'em to go ahead." James smiled. Lily turned back around, set to continuing her journey towards The Leaky Cauldron.
"C'mon, Evans. Whats really wrong with Knockturn Alley?" James sighed as he caught back up with her. With his long strides, it was fairly easy.
"It's just a sketchy place, Potter. You know this. Surely your pureblood parents taught you that."
"Ah." Laughed James. Lily played with the ends of her hair.
"Ah, what?"
"You're scared."
"Scared, Potter?" She laughed, though it came out more nervously than she had intended it to.
"Scared. There's people down there that don't agree with you even existing."
"Hmm, thanks for that reminder." Lily growled. Her feet clacked against the cobblestones of the road, picking up pace though barely audible over James barking laugh.
"There's nothing to be scared about."
"Oh? You don't fear anything, Potter? Nothing?" She asked, turning towards him.
James paused, a smile forming on his lips. "Nothing."
"This is why you'll be dead before 22. I'll see you 80 or so years later." Lily smiled back at him. "By then, you'll have figured out every detail of Heaven, and you can show me around."
"You think I'm going to Heaven, do you?" James asked.
Lily shrugged. "You can be a prat, but I don't think you're an all-together awful person. God might have some lenience on you. If not, I'm sure your parents could buy you in."
"I'll take that as a compliment... sort of." James laughed.
"The way I see it, you've got another... how old are you? 17? You've got another 5 years, tops, to prove your a good enough person."
"What if I don't want to prove anything?" Questioned James. Lily raised her eyebrows.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"What if I simply do not believe in any... in any God? In any... Heaven? In anything going to punish me or reward me. What if I just believe in existing?"
"If you don't believe in punishment for your wrong-doings, why would you be a good person?" Lily asked.
"I don't need a God to tell me whats wrong and whats right, Evans. I've got a mind for that." James shrugged.
"So you're just going to go about life with no one to impress?" asked Lily.
"I don't have to impress anyone but myself, yeah? Be your own God."
"Be your own God." Laughed Lily, as if it were amusing.
"Yeah. Simple as that. Answer to yourself, live by your own Morals. I don't want to be a good person because some book told me to be a good person, I know whats right and whats wrong all on my own. You said it yourself, I'm not an all-together awful person."
"So what about Love, then?" Lily asked. She knew a lot of things about James Potter. It was inevitable when you grew up in the same Castle, the same tower, the same year as another person. She knew his bottom lip was fuller than his top, she knew his hair never sat straight, she knew the difference between his genuine laugh, and the laugh he uses when he's picking on someone, she knew he was rude to his enemy's, but kind to his friends, but one of the few things she did not know, and wasn't even quite sure why she was asking, was if James Potter believed in Love.
"What about Love, Evans?"
"Do you believe in Love?"
James paused, and examined her for a moment. "Your hair is the exact same color as Firewhiskey." He said, smiling.
Lily stared at him incrediously.
"This is your stop." He gestured to the entrance to the Leaky Cauldron, where just behind the door sat the busy fireplace. Lily looked inside, towards where patrons huddled around tables, chatter filling the room as dinner rang in.
"I suppose it is." She agreed.
"See you, Whiskey." James smiled, shortly.
"See you." She replied after a moment, still contemplating what James had said, and more importantly, not said.
Ever since that day, a few days before their 7th year, Lily had debated Love. As she sat in an empty compartment, moments after breaking the heart of one Marshall Bradshaw, she stared out the window, watching families hug one another, kiss cheeks and wave goodbye. Some with tears in their eyes, some barely holding them back, and some with smiles on their faces.
So what was Love?
The bookworm inside of her knew it as an a strong sense of affection.
The chemist inside of her knew it as a reaction of hormones inside your body when approached with the thought or sight of something enjoyable.
For that sense, she surely loved a lot of things. Mint ice cream, for one.
But people? Was it possible to fall in love, completely, whole-"heartedly" with one other person?
Her brows furrowed as she looked at her feet. How would she ever even know if she was in love? She'd surely never been in love, so how would she know when it happened?
"Wotcher, Evans." Came a voice from the door. Lily jumped, and looked into the hazel, speckled eyes of James Potter.
"Oh. It's you." She smiled simply.
"Deep in thought, eh? I've just seen Bradshaw. What've you done to the boy?" He asked, plopping himself across from her, and throwing his feet onto her seat. She shifted, and pushed them aside.
"Don't you have your own friends to torment?" She asked.
"Remus' is feeling down, Sirius' is off with some bird, as per usual, Peter is moping over leaving his mother again." James shrugged, and pulled his feet back onto the seat.
"Funny. Not even they want to hang out with you." Lily picked a book from her shoulder bag and pulled it open.
"Don't want to talk about your relationship, then?" James asked, pulling the book from her face and examining it. "Already studying for Ancient Runes... typical."
Lily snatched the book back. "I don't want to talk about much of anything with you, Potter." She smiled simply.
"You're going to have to stop breaking hearts some day, Whiskey." He laughed. "One day you'll settle down, have a dozen and a half mini-Evan's running around, a loving husband-"
"I'm going to stop you there, Potter." She laughed. "First of all, I don't break hearts. Second of all, I do not want 18 children. Third, A loving husband? I can't even sustain a month-long relationship, let alone imagine forever with one person. It's not sensible."
James shrugged, his broad shoulders moving easily underneath his t-shirt.
"One day, Evans, one day." His eye's shifted to the hallway, where a petite brunette girl was pulling open the door to their compartment. Lily scrutinized the girl briefly, trying to figure out who she was and why she was entering their room unannounced.
"Hi." She breathed airily, her wide green eyes solidly on James. She bit her lip for a moment.
Lily looked from the girl to James, who, oddly, was smiling too, as apposed to looking affronted or trying to show off. No, instead he stood, grabbed the girls hand, pulling her towards him, and he kissed her. Not a kiss on the cheek, and certaintly not a friendly kiss.
"Hello, love." He murmured against her lips.
Lily turned away and squeezed her eyes shut. This was exactly the kind of thing she did not want to see at this moment.
"I've missed you." Lily heard the girl say. Her voice sweet and quiet.
"I've missed you too." He replied. Turning back to them, Lily coughed briefly. If she was going to be subjected to this, she might as well figure out what was going on.
"Oh!" The girl gasped, the two pairs of green eyes greeting eachother.
"This is Lily Evans!" James smiled. "Lily, this is Olive Holloway."
"Pleasure." Lily smiled, taking the girls hand as politely as she could. "Well, James." She took a deep breath. "We have a prefects meeting to attend to."
"Ah, right. Save me a seat somewhere?" He asked Olive. Olive smiled and nodded. They kissed one last time, and she skipped off down the hall.
Without saying a word, Lily stalked passed James, moving towards the front of the train.
As anyone would expect, Lily was affronted when she had heard James Potter had been made Head Boy. When Lily Evans pictured someone as Head Boy, she imagined someone strong, bold, and brilliant. For some reason, the words that came to mind when she thought of James were more along the lines of arrogant, spoiled, and ridiculous. She would have liked it much better if someone like, say, her fellow Gryffindor Prefect, Remus Lupin, had been made head, though she understood why he had not. However, why had it not been the Hufflepuff prefect, Emeric Switch, who was very kind-hearted, albeit a bit shy, or even, and though she knew it would have been a poor experience, Marshall Bradshaw, her now ex-boyfriend, who filed into the room as the thought crossed her mind.
How had she ever thought dating a fellow prefect had been a good idea? She shuddered to imagine what it would have been like if Marshall had been made the Head Boy, and how awkward their working together would become.
She supposed she was just glad that Augustus Avery, the Slytherin Prefect, had not been named Head Boy. Lily had to take him with a grain of salt, and had made it a point to ignore him 90% of the time he opened his mouth.
However, over the three weeks since she had found out that Dumbledore had appointed Big-Headed James Potter as head boy, she had come to terms with it. She had grown to accept that there was nothing she could do about it, though she did write a well-worded letter on the matter that she had intended to send to the Head Master, and then, thankfully, decided against.
And to say he surprised her, would be a small worded statement.
When the meeting was finally over, Lily found it quite easy to make her way back to her friends, who she had yet to see since joining the Hogwarts Express. They were sitting near the middle of the train, and eagerly awaiting Lily's return.
"Do you know Olive Holloway?" Lily asked, as conversationally as possible after they had exchanged the typical "How was summer?" small talk.
"That Hufflepuff girl?" Piper Alderton replied, her small form curled up near the window with "Which Broomstick" tucked under her nose.
Lily shrugged.
"I think she plays seeker for Hufflepuff." She answered. "Tiny little girl, real curly brown hair? Yeah, that's her."
Lily bit her lip. Piper, chaser for the Gryffindor quidditch team, knew every player on every team in the school.
"Is she... is James Potter dating her?" Lily pressed, trying to seem completely casual.
Piper shrugged. Quidditch statistics were as much as concerned her. She turned instead to Marlene.
"Of course they're dating." Marlene McKinnon filled in, looking up from the batch of nail polish she was glazing across her fingers. "Have been since the end of term. I heard she was at his Mother's funeral and all."
If Lily had been drinking anything, she was sure it would have sprayed out of her mouth at this moment.
"Funeral?" She coughed out. The fourth girl in their compartment, Mary McDonald's pale eyes grew wide.
"You didn't hear?" She said in a low voice. Lily shook her head. "It was all over the papers. Mrs. Potter was a top Healer at St Mungo's. Pretty big blow to the staff, apparently. My Mum heard all about it, she worked under her at the hospital."
"What happened?" asked Lily.
"Apparently just old age. The Potter's are pretty old. " Marlene shrugged. "James was pretty beat up about it. And you saw him at Diagon Alley the other day... he was pretty... mellow."
Lily pursed her lips and thought back. She was right, wasn't she? While still chatty, there was no prank pulling or joking around. And James with a serious girlfriend? That didn't seem right. Not only that, but he hadn't made a pass at her a single time. Why hadn't she realized that earlier? She looked out to the sky line. Is that what it took for James Potter to act like an adult? At least his mother did not die in vein.
Lily frowned. She shouldn't be thinking like that. But she had been impressed with him at the heads meeting. Casual jokes aside, he had done quite well going over the, albeit boring, rules and regulations with the new prefects.
"Poor James." Lily answered finally. Marlene nodded.
"Olive is great though." Mary smiled. "She was very supportive through the whole thing. A true girlfriend, really."
"Well, she is a Hufflepuff, loyalty is in their blood." Marlene rolled her eyes.
"It's not just that, Marlene. She's really sweet." Mary defended. "She was in Divination with us, don't you remember?"
"I don't remember much of that class." Marlene laughed. "I think the fumes got to me. Or maybe I drank too much old tea."
"Tea doesn't spoil, Marlene, I think you were just distracted by Orsino Thurston." Lily raised her eyebrows towards her friend. Marlene shrugged, smirking slightly.
"Speaking of, where is Orsino? Weren't you apart all summer? You should be sitting with him!" Mary asked.
"He's having a band meeting, or whatever it is he and Barbary, Duke and Wagtail get into." Marlene shrugged, and sighed. "They played a few gigs this summer. Dubbed their band The Weird Sisters."
"Did you go to any of them?" Mary questioned.
Marlene shook her head, and looked towards her lap. "Well, no. Orsino seemed to think it was best if I didn't."
"You two are still together though, aren't you?" Lily quized.
"Yes, we are." Marlene nodded eagerly.
"Well why in the bloody hell didn't he want you to go to his gigs?" Chimed in Piper, who, in all normal circumstances, didn't pay attention to the relationship flaws of the rest of the group.
Marlene sighed and wrang her hands together nervously. "Well, it's nothing, really. He just... he didn't want me to tie him down, or something like that..."
"Tie him down." Repeated Lily dumbly.
"Yeah, well, you know... Girl friends don't look good for a rock band." Marlene shrugged. "It's not a big deal, really." She looked into the expressions of the rest of the girls. "Really!"
"Marlene..." Lily began.
"No! I don't want your lectures, Lily! Orsino and I are perfectly alright." She looked at the other two girls. "Seriously. We're great." She smiled.
As an on-cue change of subject, Piper pulled out her deck of Exploding Snap cards and suggested a game. Encouraging the the change from the sore topic, the other girls joined in, and, instead, spent the rest of the train ride discussing their summers.
It wasn't until after the train came to a stop outside Hogsmede station that Lily thought of James and Olive Holloway again. As Marlene was carted off by her boyfriend, and Mary and Piper joined in a heated discussion about who the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher would be, she couldn't help but observe as James and Olive walked in front of her, Olive's petite hand looking out of place in his large ones, and a large smile plastered on her face as she listened to him talk and make jokes with his friends.
Although she couldn't explain it, It took the entirety of the horseless carriage ride to get them out of her head.
Yay, Chapter One! Please tell me what you think! Chapter two is written and will be posted next week, and in that chapter you'll be introduced to the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, who will 'Stir the Cauldron', so to say, as well as get a peek at Severus Snape. :) I've been working on this story for a very long time, so I'd really love to hear what you have to say! I didn't want to post this until absolutely everything was written, but I couldn't hold off any longer.
Please review!
Jen Riddle