Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin, but I do own the Camelot Citizen's Association
AN: This is the fourth part of my series of humorous guides by the Camelot Citizen's Association. You don't need to have read the others to understand this, but they all kind of go in sync with each other. I figured since today if my birthday, that this would be a good day to post this. Thank you for reading and I'm grateful for any feedback!
Camelot Rules: Sorcerers Drool
By the Camelot Citizen's Association
We of the C.C.A. have given you informative guides concerning the citizens, knights, and for that poor unfortunate soul who now serves as Prince Arthur's manservant (you know who you are!). But there is one group for which we have not written a guide for-we've never written a guide for the insane idiots (a.k.a SORCERERS). These men and women have plagued our fair Camelot with increasing regularity in the last few years. Why do they deserve a guide? The King demands that they be informed that they are the scum of the earth and need to die.
If you use spells and magic, then please follow these simple rules:
Rule # 1: You have magic? You are EVIL!
There is not one sorcerer who has ever done ANYTHING good or helpful. Face the inevitable; you need to DIE for the good of Camelot.
Rule # 2: Stay AWAY from Camelot!
We DON'T want your kind here. But if you do get lost and find yourself in Camelot, that's perfectly fine with us. Things get dull around here and executions are the best entertainment around!
Rule # 3: You need to DIE!
You know it, we know it—the only good sorcerer is a dead sorcerer! Please find some poison and say goodbye to your sad life as you die a swift death.
Rule # 4: Magical items= EVIL!
Exhibit A: Magical shield that have LIVE SNAKES in it!
Exhibit B: Katrina's pendant that made the King not realize he married a TROLL!
Exhibit C: The Cup of Life: A magic cup that ironically only brought death when it enabled an UNDEAD ARMY to invade!
Rule # 5: DON'T enchant the Pendragons!
It has been tried SO many times! Has it ever worked? NO! But if you do try it then that's ok, you can join all those other idiotic sorcerers who tried it.
Rule # 6: DON'T try to assassinate Prince Arthur!
It has never worked and it never will. Get it through your thick skull that you will DIE before the prince does.
Rule # 7: Turn yourself in!
If you are too much of a chicken to slit your own throat then by all means let the knights of Camelot do it for you!
Rule # 8: Admit your crimes!
Help us to help you DIE! We know you are a sorcerer and you know you are a sorcerer, please confess so that we will be able to more effectively execute you for said crimes. If you don't admit it then that's ok, we will kill you anyway.
Rule # 9: You're a Druid? Don't worry we still know you are EVIL!
We don't care if Druids are supposed to be peaceful creatures of magic. We know the truth. They are sorcerers and all sorcerers = EVIL!
Rule # 10: Don't reproduce!
We know magic tends to stick within the same families. Please help us to end this trend! Don't you dare extend your gene pool; you are already as numerous as roaches. Thank you for helping us eradicate you more effectively.
If you are reading this and perform magic on a daily basis then please grab a sharp object and stab yourself repeatedly until you lose consciousness, THANK YOU!
This Public Service Announcement has been paid for by the Camelot Citizen's Association with you in mind. The Pendragon family (particularly King Uther) actually APPROVE of this guide, even encouraged us to publish it for a change (GO US!). And finally for the love of Camelot, thank you for reading!