DESTROY ALL PONIES!

Chapter 2: The Perfect Snatch

As we open up, we can see that, again, Cryptosporidium and Orthropox are hiding in the bushes, spying on the Mane 6.

"Drat!" spat Pox as he watched the pink one gallop away. "They're on to us! How is that even possible? Crypto, we must investigate this immediately! Body Snatch a vulnerable little pony and see what those six ponies know."

"Don't worry, Pox. These ponies look as smart as cows. Just give me time, and I'll ride them like gamblers rode the women back in Los Paradiso." Leaving a disgusted Pox behind, Crypto went in search for the perfect snatch…

Ditzy Doo, or Derpy Hooves as she was nicknamed, was walking to deliver mail to the residents of Ponyville. She took the scenic path, which greatly irked her superiors, but that didn't bother her.

Suddenly, a blueberry muffin rolled out from the bushes. Now, a smarter pony would have questioned where this had come from, but Derpy wasn't really scoring the top test marks here, people. Plus, she really had affection for this type of treat.

"Muffin!" Derpy gasped, rushing towards her prize…

…only to be blocked by a short grey creature.

"Look deep into my cold, red eyes!" it growled. There was a brief battle of wills, but pretty soon, Derpy found herself being pushed in the deepest corner of her own mind…

If somepony were to look at Derpy at this very moment, they would have noticed three things. One: her eyes were straight. Two: she was apparently talking to herself. Three: she now had the voice of an emotionless Texus (the Equestrian version of Texas) colt.

"It feels strange, Pox," Crypto said, checking out his Pegasus body. "Strange but…yeah, just strange."

"You'll get over it," Pox broadcasted to his brain. "Now, find the pink one first. She is the most vital to our cause!"

"Yeah, yeah, keep your knickers on, sheesh." Crypto said. With that, he went off in search of the one this mind knew as 'Pinkie Pie'.

Due to years of practice, Crypto could now pull out memories from the mind of his captive. So walking like a pony came naturally to him, and he knew his way around Ponyville.

Suffice to say, he was sick of this place. All the color, all the happiness, all the ponies! It remained him of the 70s, but only more girly. By Arkvoodle, he wanted to puke his Furon guts all over the pavement! Luckily, the thought of eradicating all these ponies once he was done probing them helped him survive his walk to Sugar Cube Corner.

'Mare'ing the counter was Pinkie Pie. Remembering to heighten his pitch, 'Derpy' spoke up.

"Hey, Pinkie Pie, what's shakin'?"

Not even Pinkie Pie was fooled.

"Why Derpy, what straight eyes you have! And how Texun your voice has turned! And how intelligent you've become! Er, no offence."

Okay, maybe she was fooled a little bit.

"Er, I've been taking…pills," said Crypto, improvising. Wishing to get to the point, he spoke up again.

"I've heard I'm not the only one with bodily malfunctions," Crypto stated. "So, what's literally shakin'?"

"Oh, well, my body shakes either told me aliens were invading or the stove was left on. But when I got back, the stove was off! So if you see any nasty aliens, tell your aunt Pinkie Pie right away! In fact…" she peered at 'Derpy' with one wide eye. "Are you an alien?"

"She's on to us, Crypto!" Pox shouted. "Infect her with…Boogie Fev-ah!"

Complying with what Pox commanded, Crypto raised his hooves to his head and concentrated.

"Hey, Derpy, what are you do- WHOA!" Pinkie Pie suddenly had the uncontrollable urge to dance. She leapt up on the counter and began boogieing to music only she could hear.

"Ooh, this is my jam!" Pinkie Pie completely forgot what she was worried about.

Smirking, Crypto left to find this 'Rarity' pony…

As Crypto opened the door, he heard the ring of a bell and saw the flank of a white pony.

"Com-ing!" Rarity called out in a sing-song voice. She turned around to see a straight eyed Derpy.

"Um, Derpy, what-"

"Pillz." said Crypto, deciding to add a little more 'stupid' this time.

Rarity nodded her head. Of course.

"So, Derpy, what do I owe this visit? Here to deliver mail again, I hope?"

"Nope!" said Crypto. "You hear better than me. What news around town?"

"Oh, well, don't you remember? I personally remember telling you about the crashed spaceship last night." Rarity sighed. "Twilight was so crushed when it suddenly disappeared. She was planning to send a letter to Princess Celestia, but now she would just look silly! But, in other news, Lyra and Bon-bon were recently found…"

Crypto switched his attention to Orthropox, who was screeching in his head. "Good, no one from the 'outside' knows were here. Now, see what else you can find out from the other ones!"

However, Crypto decided to mess with Rarity a little bit. Maybe it was her pompous attitude, but Crypto hated her more than the other ponies he saw.

"So, Rarity, you get any new 'toys' lately?" Crypto asked, dropping the stupid act.

Rarity's heart skipped a beat. "W-whatever do you mean, dearie?" Crypto Scanned her mind to see what she was thinking about.

'Does she mean the ones I keep in the secret compartment upstairs? No, she couldn't know, no one can know…'

"You know, the ones you keep in the secret compartment upstairs? Yeah, I know all about those."

Rarity turned even whiter, and her knees buckled out. "Y-you know…"

"Yes, I do. And unless you want every pony is this town to know about your dirty little secret, you answer to me, alright?"

"Y-yes, ma'am…"

"Good girl." Crypto said, patting Rarity's head. He left the shop, leaving Rarity a broken pony.

"See, that eye problem was no problem. Maybe now you can fly properly! I mean, no offence, but, you know, you kind of had bad depth perception."

Crypto was now in front of Rainbow Dash's house, with said pony currently flying around it. Crypto told her the 'pills' story, though now he spoke like a normal pony… well, as normal as possessed pony can get. And now he desperately wanted to fuse her snout together.

"Yeah, yeah, later. So, about that crash-"

"Of course, you couldn't be as fast as me. Or maybe you could? Wanna' race to find out?"

Crypto grounded his teeth together. "No, I do not want to race with you. Now, tell me about the crash before I-"

'Crypto!' shouted Arkvoodle. Crypto looked around and saw a statue on the other side of the lake. 'Show this insolent pigeon what a Furon with genitalia can do! Beat her proposed challenged, and I shall deliver upon you a holy landing sight.'

Mmm…Rainbow Dash's place was on the other side of Ponyville, and anyway, he wanted to wipe that smug grin off her face. Honestly, he wanted to use an Ion Detonator to achieve that job, but until he found the data module for it, this would haveto do.

"Okay, you're on, pigeon!" Crypto said, raising up in the air. Unfortunately, while this pony could walk normally, Derpy never was really good up in the air. But Crypto was never one to admit defeat.

"Alright!" Rainbow Dash said, hoof-pumping in victory. "The finish line is Sweet Apple Acres. Ready, set, go!"

Rainbow Dash achieved her namesake, leaving Crypto far behind.

"Crypto," contacted Orthropox. "Normally, I would instruct you on how to fly by telling the player to move the right and left analog stick. However, as this is but a fiction of fandom, everything relies on the details of the author."

"Whoa, Poxy!" said a concerned Cryptosporidium. "This is only the second chapter! Leave the fourth wall breaks for later, 'k?" With that, he sped up.

Normally, Derpy could never hope to catch up with Dash. However, with the mind of a Furon…

"Temporal…FIST!" Crypto shouted, stopping all time. He sped past Dash, and for added bonus, pre-PK'd her backwards.

"What the hay just happened?" Rainbow Dash asked, suddenly finding herself soaring backwards. She recovered and flew even harder, but Derpy was already over Apple Acres, celebrating her victory. However, she than decided to rub salt in the wounds.

"Take that, you gay colored turkey!"

"What'd you just say?" Rainbow Dash asked, raising a hoof in warning.

"Er…gay originally meant happy, so I meant that you're a happy colored pony! Yeah, that's it…"

"Alrighty then…" said Rainbow Dash, flying backwards while glaring at her. With one final glare, she sped off back to her house to train. A message from Arkvoodle told Crypto that a new landing site had been activated.

Remembering that Applejack lived at this pitiable farm, 'Derpy' flew down to talk to the farmer pony.

"Pills, huh? Well, while ah am glad for ya, ah should warn ya, you shouldn't trust those things! To… science-ty."

"Note taken," said Crypto. "So, what'd ya know of these 'aliens' things?"

"Well, ol' granny always goes on a rant 'bout them 'bout every month or so. Sometimes she's tells 'bout the probin', that's when I cover Apple Bloom's ears, ya know? And sometimes she…"

Crypto decided to retreat in his mind to avoid… the accent. Now, Crypto had been to France and Russia, but nothing infuriated him further than a southern accent.

'I mean, come on, why do you think other monkeys make fun of your accent? Let me tell you why: it's annoying! That's why I moved to Texas: to personally destroy all humans that replaced 'I' with 'ah'! Can you people not even afford proper speech lessons you're just that poor? Or are you just dumb enough not to realize that you add a 'g' at he end? Uhg, I just want to, to…'

"You al' right there, Derpy?" asked Applejack. "It looked like you done just ate one o' Pinkie Pie's sour lemons!"

Crypto forced a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. Look, I gotta… eat a muffin. See you later!"

'Watching your corpse burn, I hope.' Thought Crypto as he galloped away. Shrugging her shoulders, Applejack went back to looking for their missing plows.

"So, Fluttershy, what do you know about aliens?"

"N-not much, Derpy," said Fluttershy. The two were currently outside, with Fluttershy and Angel looking over the chickens. "I just hope that whatever crash landed is alright…"

"And what if it was okay, and wanted to destroy all ponies?"

Fluttershy stared at 'Derpy'. "Well, that would be bad, wouldn't it? What's with you Derpy, your not the same today. Maybe you shouldn't take those pills…"

'Derpy' waved her off. "Applejack told me the same thing, but I'm fine, serious! Just don't ask me about this conversation tomorrow, 'k?"

"…Okay?"

"Good." said Crypto. As he walked off, Angel gave the pegasus the 'I'm watching you' gesture and scampered off.

As Crypto opened Twilight's door, Pox spoke up.

"Only one more, Crypto, and we can be done with this!"

Nodding his head, Crypto went inside to confront Twilight.

"Oh, hi Derpy!" Twilight said, pulling herself away from a book. "I've heard from Rainbow Dash that you're taking pills…and that you beat her. Must be some pills."

"You betcha'!" said Crypto. "So, can you tell me all about our queen Celestia?"

Twilight seemed slightly offended. "Tsk-tsk, Derpy. Don't you remember that that Celestia prefers 'Princess' to 'Queen'."

"So…who rules?"

Twilight was confused. "Why, Princess Celestia of course. Derpy, are the pills wearing off?"

'Wait, they are ruled by a princess, but not a queen? What madness is this?' Pox screeched. 'Crypto, ask this mare more questions!'

"So, how long has this Princess ruled?" Crypto asked.

"Well, from the beginning of time, I guess." Answered Twilight. "She created the universe, so she would know for certain."

'Interesting,' said Pox. 'This 'Princess' has manipulated everyone into believing that she is some god-like being! Pester her for more questions!'

"So, this Princess is basically a Goddess, right?"

"Well, her and Luna are the only Alicorns in recorded history, and they raise the sun and moon, so yes, they are Goddesses."

'WHAT' Pox shouted, clearly infuriated. 'Do their lies know no bound? They have even made these inferior ponies believe that they are the masters of the cosmos itself! Crypto, ask about the crash and then return to me immediately!'

"So, uh, what happened with the crash last night?"

"Oh, I don't know," said Twilight. "I finally got the courage to send a letter, and Celestia said she would send some ponies to check out the crash sight. I just hope I didn't secretly embarrassed her…"

"Yeah, that's sad," Crypto said with false sympathy. "Listen, I gotta deliver some letters, so, um, toot-a-loo!"

'Derpy' fled out of the Library, leaving Twilight to finish her book.

When Crypto made it back to Pox, he popped out of Derpy's body. He didn't bother to zap her as she fled; no one would believe her if she told them she was possessed by an alien.

"Crypto, this is bad!" said Pox as he hovered before his colleague.

"I know!" said Crypto. "I had this unrelenting urge to eat muffins while stuck inside that idiot's body! How disgusting is that!"

"No, no!" said Pox. "I mean, this 'Celestia' is sending people, probably military, to look at the crash site. We must not let our presence be known…yet."

"Finally!" said Crypto. "Look, this ain't 'Scan All Ponies', or 'Observe All Ponies', or even 'Impersonate All Ponies'. It's 'Destroy All Ponies'! So give the reviewers what they want and load me up, baby!"

"Oh, so I can't break the fourth wall in the second chapter, but you can?" Pox replied with a growl. "Anyway, the Disintegrator Ray data module flew out when someone crashed the ship. Strangely, it's near a gem mine, nowhere near the crash site. So that means that something- or someone- stole it! Expect to encounter resistance, Crypto!"

"Thanks for caring, Poxy." Crypto said before engaging his jetpack and flying off. There was a fight to be had, he could just taste it.

Next Chapter: Young Furon, They Call Them Diamond Dogs