Author's Note: You know how lately I've been writing short stories in a world where Gen's Cloud's best friend, best of all best friends? Well, this isn't one of those. I love cactuars, by the way. They're just so adorable.

Edited 9/25/11

Warnings: A bit of swearing towards the end, but nothing major.

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII!

The LOVELESS Incident

"Hey Cloudy, ol' buddy, ol' pal!"

A mashed up wad of noodles lodged itself in Cloud's throat when a pair of hands suddenly latched onto his shoulders and roughly jerked him from side to side. They stopped when Cloud began to cough, pounding his chest in an effort to swallow the food. Watery-eyed, the blond turned to glare at a rather sheepish-looking Zack Fair.

"Heh, oops," the SOLDIER apologized.

Cloud frowned. "I could have died, and all you have to say is Oops?"

"You exaggerate," Zack scoffed. "I'm trained in saving lives."

"Yeah, by killing other things."

The only response Zack had was to scratch the back of his head and smile weakly.

Hrmphing, Cloud returned to his lunch. "So what is it you want that requires me nearly choking to death?" he asked.

Zack plunked down beside him. "Now what makes you think I want something?"

"You always want something."

"It's not bad this time, I promise."

I'll be the judge of that, Cloud thought with a grimace. On the Zack Fair Scale of Bad and Good, 'good' meant he would most likely survive whatever surgery was required to patch him back together, and 'bad' meant he'd need to stay surrounded by Turks for the next year or so, if he even lived. He could only assume Zack had picked up such insane optimism from his mentor, Angeal, seeing as the man always tried to make the best of a situation. Zack just happened to take it to a totally unacceptable level.

Without waiting for any approval, the Second continued his story. "So, a certain possession of a certain someone's may have been accidentally... misplaced," he said, lowering his voice.

"Misplaced as in put back in the wrong spot?"

"More like disintegrating in Mako as we speak."

Cloud groaned. "Remind me never to loan you anything."

"But it wasn't my fault!" Zack pouted. "If that cactuar hadn't gotten loose, I wouldn't have had to use it as a shield in the first place!"

As far as Cloud knew, the only place in Midgar where you could find a cactuar was in the labs. And he wasn't even sure he wanted to know why Zack was messing around down there. "Is the cactuar okay?" he asked, sincerely hoping it wasn't lying in a corner somewhere bleeding or still running loose, frightened and shooting needles at ShinRa personnel.

"Hey! What about me? I'm the one it practically stabbed to death!"

"Is. The cactuar. Okay?"

"Yes, Kunsel and I got it back into its cage," Zack rolled his eyes. "But I dropped the thing I borrowed into a Mako tank during the fight, and you're the only person who can stop the world from ending as we know it."

Leaning his elbows on the table and burying his hands in his hair, Cloud let out an exasperated sigh. "Alright," he relented, "what do I have to do?"

The older teen brightened like someone had lit up a light bulb in his hollow skull. "It's really simple, see? All you've gotta do is take this box-" Zack suddenly produced a box seemingly out of nowhere, "-and bring it to the guy's office."

Cloud narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "This fellow has an office?"

"Er, yeah?"

"That means he's a First, doesn't it?"

"Uh..." Zack flapped his jaw a few times while Cloud glared with all his might, imagining the teen bursting into flames. The ravenette shoved the box at him and darted off, calling, "Thanks Spiky!" over his shoulder as he vanished from the Mess Hall.

Cloud stared down at the box in his lap. It was a simple cardboard box, sealed shut with packing tape on one end. Picking it up, the cadet found it to be deceptively heavy and deduced from the weight and shape that it was probably a book of some sort. What Zack Fair would want with a book, Cloud had no idea. As far as he knew, the Second was quite the illiterate.

Tucking the box under one arm and grabbing his forgotten food with the other, Cloud departed from his table. With any luck, he could sneak in, ditch the package and run like heck before anyone was the wiser. Provided he didn't lose what tiny amount of nerve he had left in the process.

Cloud's entire body shook as he walked down the deserted hallways of the SOLIDER floor. Most of the Firsts were still out to lunch, leaving the corridor just as big and intimidating as the SOLDIERs themselves. The blond was less likely to bump into anyone at this time of day, but he was still scared out of his mind.

What if he got lost and fell into the hands of a group of feral Thirds? They were supposedly the most vicious towards Regulars, since they'd been recently promoted themselves and thought they were better than the cadets now. Or if he accidentally locked himself in a supply closet? How long until the janitors came around so he could be let out? What if he accidentally fell through a portal to another dimension and was never heard from again?

Jolting to a halt, Cloud's eye twitched as the most terrifying thought of all jump-attacked him with a strangle hold.

What if I run into General Sephiroth? Shaking his head, Cloud forced himself to continue on. You've practiced for emergencies like that, Cloud. Scream, faint, then wait until he's gone before throwing up.

Zack had been kind enough to write the office number on the box, so Cloud fears of getting lost turned out to be null and void. He halted in front of the door indicated, shrinking slightly into his scarf. With a trembling hand, he knocked.

Silence.

The faintest glimmer of hope rose in his chest as he knocked again, still met with no answer. Grasping doorknob, who still uses doorknobs in ShinRa?, Cloud boldly burst into the office.

And slammed the door shut behind him.

Originally when Zack had thrown this mission at him, Cloud hadn't wanted to know who he was delivering the box to. But now that he was actually in the man's office, the cadet was extremely curious. The floor was covered in plush carpeting and the deep mahogany desk sat on top of an expensive-looking Wutain rug. Bookcases lined one wall, a fern sat in a large clay pot in the far corner, and a pair of voluptuous drapes framed an oil painting of an apple orchard, probably in an attempt to take the place of a window.

Approaching the wooden desk, Cloud fished around for some sort of clue as to the office owner's identity.

File folders... three empty packs of gum... can opener... yo-yo... another can opener... Cure materia... a can of whipped cream... purple apple paperweights... another can opener...

Cloud came up for air more than a little confused. This looks like someone's kitchen counter, he thought, picking up yet another can opener. No cans, other than that of the whipped cream, were in sight, though. Peeking over the side of the desk, he glanced in the garbage. Nope, none in there either.

A stroke of genius had Cloud picking up one of the file folders and rifling through what looked to be mission reports for a name. He finally found one, scribbled in elaborate script at the bottom of the third page.

"Dis... Gis... Gee... Ges..." Cloud stamped his foot in irritation. He couldn't even get past the first three letters! At least he knew it wasn't Sephiroth's. He couldn't imagine the man chewing gum anyway. "Gen... Genseee... Genes-Genesis-"

His brain ceased to function.

This was Genesis' office?

His Wutaian sweet-and-sour chicken noodle dish threatened to decorate the soft, white carpeting.

He, Cloud Strife, was currently standing in the office of Commander Genesis Rhapsodos: the only man on the entire Planet who scared him more than Sephiroth. At least with the general, you knew you weren't in danger of losing a limb or being charred to a crisp or shishkebabed on the end of a sword or any number of other awful things Genesis might do to you were he in a bad mood.

In flash, the packing tape was ripped off the top of the cardboard box and a horrified Cloud pulled out a beautiful, hardcover copy of Loveless from within it. Were Cloud thinking at all, he might have wondered why Zack wanted to borrow it, why Genesis had let him and where the Puppy had scraped together enough gil to buy such a nice new one, but as it was the blond was having a little trouble getting past his own death, should Genesis ever discover his role in the whole ordeal.

Wasn't there some sort of saying, 'don't shoot the messenger?' Yeah, Genesis probably ignored that one.

Just as Cloud started to gather up the fragmented pieces of his sanity from when his brain had exploded, voices began to float in through the walls.

"I'm telling you, Angeal, I haven't been able to find it anywhere."

"Genesis, calm down. You're overreacting."

"Overreacting? Like you wouldn't be in conniptions if your Buster Sword suddenly went missing?"

"That's different-"

"That book is just as important to me, and you know it!"

Cloud stared down at the book in his hands. 'Loveless' stared back in its gold scripted innocence. It was too late. Genesis would find him, slaughter him, dance on his remains, then ship his mangled carcass to his mother in Nibilheim, who would undoubtedly be in hysterics over the loss of her only son and she'd hold a small funeral to which no one else would come to because he had no friends in Nibilheim and by the time word of his demise got back to Zack, the funeral would already be over, but hopefully that stupid idiot would have enough sense to at least visit his mother, if not stake some sort of revenge against Genesis for killing his poor innocent chocobo-

The sound of the doorknob being turned interrupted Cloud's mental rant, springing his body into action without his consent. He shoved the book back into the box, tucked it to his chest and dove for the curtains just as the door swung open.

"Would you stop blaming Zack for everything?" Angeal's voice was much louder now that the door was open. "How can you be sure it was him who took it?"

A loud bang! made Cloud jump as Genesis threw something against a wall. "I just know!" the redhead shouted. "If I don't get my book back within the next twelve hours, I'm going to drain every fluid ounce of Mako in Zack Fair's body and throw him back into the regular army!"

Gasping quietly, Cloud wondered if it would be better to reveal himself now, but he realized if he did that, he'd have to come up with an explanation for what he was doing behind the curtain.

"Look," Angeal snapped, "if I go talk to Zack and he doesn't have it, will you leave him alone?"

"Fine! But I know he stole it and if he thinks he's going to escape punishment, he's dead wrong."

Cloud desperately wanted to see what was going on in the office, but he couldn't just peek out and risk Angeal or Genesis seeing him.

"Can't you hear yourself? You're threatening my apprentice's life over a book you have more than a dozen copies of!"

Yeah, that sounds kind of ridiculous, the cadet had to agree. He wasn't even the one under death threat and he was terrified. But he was just afraid of Genesis in general.

It seemed the commander found some humility in Angeal's words as well and fell silent for a few moments. "But... it was the one I got from my mother when I left Banora."

Good job, Zack.

Angeal sighed. "We'll talk about this later." There were some footsteps, then the sound of the door slamming shut again.

Cloud was officially alone in a room with Genesis Rhapsodos.

Judging from the sounds of pen scratching on paper, Genesis had sat down to do paperwork. That meant his back was to Cloud, finally giving the cadet an opportunity to look out from behind the curtain.

Gripping the inside of the fabric, Cloud pulled it back just enough to be able to see the back of the commander's chair. Eugh, did he really have to have his desk so close to the wall? Shifting as silently as possible, Cloud peered out from the other side of the fabric.

Hanging on the opposite wall was a large, antique mirror. From where he stood, Cloud could see a large portion of the room reflected in it, including Genesis bent over his desk. For several minutes, he watched the commander's pen moved across the paper in an almost hypnotic manner. How could he write so fast? Didn't his hand get tired?

Probably the Mako.

Cloud flinched when the red-haired man finally set his pen aside and began to search the desk. Stacks of papers were lifted and can openers were shoved aside until he finally picked up a pack of gum, pulled out a piece and stuffed it in his mouth. Chewing rapidly, Genesis leaned down to open one of his desk drawers and produced a crisp white envelope. He folded the paper he'd been writing on into thirds, taking his time making sure each fold was perfectly straight and flat. Then he removed his gloves, took the gum out of his mouth and smeared it on the inside of the top fold, stuck the paper together and slid it into the envelope.

Not once did Genesis' face break the bored expression he wore. Cloud, on the other hand, was absolutely beside himself. Did he really just see that happen, or was he going insane? Genesis stuckgum on the inside of his reports? The commander was more sinister than he'd originally thought.

Cloud knew the long hours of marching and drilling were the only reason he was still on his feet. He'd been standing behind that curtain for at least two hours, if not more. The box in his arms was starting to get quite heavy and the edges of the cardboard were digging into his skin, but he wasn't about to give up. Genesis would eventually have to leave the office, and so would he.

After finishing his paperwork, the commander had picked up the yo-yo and moved in front of his desk to lean against it. Cloud watched with rapt attention as Genesis let the cylindrical object go down, spin on the end of its string, then swung it around with his other finger in a crazy arc.

Gaping, Cloud stared in awe. He couldn't even get the stupid thing to come back up, let alone do any tricks with it. The guys down in the barracks have nothing on Commander Rhapsodos' yo-yo skills, he thought, absolutely enraptured as he tracked the bright red ball while it was flung and twirled about in random directions.

He was brought back to reality, that in which he was hiding behind a curtain in an office he wasn't supposed to be in, when Genesis accidentally dropped the yo-yo and it began to roll in the direction of Cloud's hiding place.

NOOOO! Cloud's inner-voice wailed, trying with all his might to will it to go the other way. The yo-yo didn't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation though, and continued to happily travel across the floor until it bumped up against the wall.

Right. Next. To. Him.

Cloud cowered as deep in the curtain as he possibly could and completely stopped breathing while the redhead strode over and bent down to retrieve the yo-yo. Beads of sweat rolled down the back of the cadet's neck, and he figured if Genesis couldn't see him, he sure as heck would smell him. Squeezing his eyes shut, Cloud send a quick prayer to Minerva, Shiva, whoever was listening that if he was allowed to live through this, he would never help Zack Fair get out of trouble again.

It seemed the Goddess had a bone to pick with the Puppy too, for right when it would have been excruciatingly easy for Genesis to simply look over and catch sight of the petrified blond behind his curtain, his PHS went off. Muttering a curse, he snatched up the yo-yo and hurried to his desk, answering the call in a rather irritated manner.

Cloud leaned his head back against the wall, nearly sobbing in relief.

It must have been getting close to dinner time, because his stomach had begun to growl. He hadn't gotten to finish his lunch when Zack had interrupted and was regretting not deciding to just cram the rest of his food down his throat. The only reason Genesis hadn't found him yet was because the commander was currently listening to the radio at an unacceptably high volume.

Genesis had a decent voice, Cloud was surprised to discover. He managed to make even pitchy Wutaian pop sound good, singing a number of octaves lower than the whiny teen girls. What really blew Cloud away, though, was the fact that the commander even knew the words at all. Sure, he'd been stationed in Wutai a lot, but still...

A tingle shot through his arm, forcing Cloud to flex his fingers. The box cutting off his circulation. Not only that, but he was feeling quite faint front standing for so long. He had to get the blood moving in his legs before he keeled over. Surveying his surroundings, Cloud mulled over the possibility of actually being able to sit down for a moment. The curtain rod was mounted far enough from the wall that the blond had a little wiggle room. What with the way the heavy curtains draped down and piled on the floor, he should be able to crouch down without being too noticeable.

Pressing his back to the wall, Cloud bent his knees and slid down into a squat.

OhGaiaohGaiaohGaia... An immense pressure was lifted from not only his legs, but his back and shoulders as well. Thank the Goddess for small miracles.

Not wanting to stay there too long, Cloud shimmied back up to a standing position. Shiva, but his legs were tired. Just as he'd re-situated himself, a loud thud! came from the door. He peeped past the curtain just in time to see General Sephiroth enter the room, hand over his face.

Did he just walk into the door? Cloud frowned. Sephiroth didn't need glasses, did he?

"Why hello, Sephiroth," Genesis greeted over the sound of the music. "How nice of you to knock."

The Silver General walked over and turned the radio down. "You really need to get rid of that doorknob," he grumbled.

"And miss the telltale thump of your arrival? Not a chance, Seph."

"Hmph."

"So, what brings you down to my neck of the woods?"

"Either carry out your threat against Zackary, or leave him alone."

"Ah... I see Angeal has confronted you today?"

Sephiroth groaned and ran a hand through his silky bangs. "Why is it whenever Zack does something stupid, I somehow end up with the problem?"

Whatever point the general was trying to make, Genesis missed it entirely. "Then you agree with me about Zack stealing Loveless, right?" he pressed.

"See what I mean?" Sephiroth threw an arm in the air. "You two act like I'm supposed to side with one of you in your arguments, but I really could care less."

Rolling his eyes, Genesis patted the man's cheek. "That's our SOLDIER hero, alright," he sneered.

"If anyone asks you, I'm out killing monsters in the Slums," Sephiroth said, shooting him a glare as he headed for the door. "I'm going back to my room."

"Dreams of the morrow hath the shattered soul," Genesis shouted after him. "Pride is lost, wings stripped away, the end is nigh!"

Sephiroth snorted, pausing in the doorway. "I don't know why you even need your damn book back. You've got the whole thing memorized." Slam!

An indignant gasp left Genesis' mouth and he reached over to grab one of his glass paperweights, flinging it at the door. It shattered, leaving a sizable dent in the wood. Not bothering to clean up the pieces, the redhead slumped in his chair and sulked.

Blinking, Cloud's brain frantically tried to process what he'd just witnessed. The Holy Trinity, the top three Firsts in the company, acted like normal human beings?

Impossible.

AHHHH-CHOOOOO!

The world came to an abrupt stop as Cloud's sinuses ceased to tickle and a glob of snot hung from his nose. A startled shriek immediately followed his sneeze.

All those hours of standing, not breathing, more standing and more not breathing; all of them were for naught because he'd been blind-sided by a sneeze. There was a moment of silence, then the drapes were torn away from him.

Wide-eyed, he stared at the commander, who brandished a can opener like it was Rapier.

Remember what they say on those nature documentaries, Cloud, the little voice in his head whispered, they're more afraid of you than you are of them.

Cloud quickly determined that this was indeed not the case as Genesis' expression moved from surprised to confused to angry, and politely told the little voice to shut up.

"What are you doing here?" the redhead finally asked in a low tone.

Swallowing, Cloud suddenly became aware that his snot was about to fall onto the carpet, but he was too afraid to move. "I-I-I..."

"What are you doing here?" Genesis repeated, nearly yelling. "How long have you been here? Who the hell are you? And wipe your damn nose, for Gaia's sake!"

The melee capabilities of a can opener wasn't something Cloud had studied in any of his classes, but he wasn't sure he'd like to find out what they were anyway. He quickly wiped his nose on the inside of his scarf; he could be grossed out later.

"Good," Genesis nodded. "Now. Tell. Me. Your. Name."

"C-C-Cloud S-Strife, s-sir."

The commander narrowed his eyes, probably trying to place the name. "Are you going to tell my why you're hiding behind my curtains, or am I going to have to force it out of you?"

And just like that, Cloud snapped.

"I'm so sorry, sir!" he wailed. "I was just going to leave the box and run, but then I got curious and you came back with Angeal and I had to find somewhere to hide and I didn't want to get caught because you don't even know what you do to cadets who get you angry and I'm too young to die and I don't want to be skewered and roasted with a Firaga and sent to back to my mother in a little box because she's always been so proud of me even though I'm such a wimp and no one would even care enough to come to my funeral except for Zack but by the time news would get back to Midgar it would be too late and I'd already be six feet under and it's his fault I've even in this mess so I wouldn't want him to come to my funeral anyway..."

Through the tears, the choked sobs and his non-stop rambling, it became necessary for Cloud to stop and take a breath. Genesis, who had spaced out halfway through the rant, refocused upon hearing the name 'Zack.'

"Zack Fair put you up to this, did he?"

Sniffling, Cloud nodded. "Y-yes, sir."

Genesis pointed at the box. "What's that?"

"Oh. I'm s-supposed to give this t-to you." He handed over the box with stiff arms. Deep red grooves marked his arms from where he'd been clutching it.

Sticking his hand in the box, Genesis pulled out the Loveless book and closed his eyes. "Where is the original?"

"Um, something about being destroyed in a fight with a cactuar."

"A cactuar?"

Cloud shrugged.

"Well, at least I have a good reason to pull Zack's stomach out through his nose," Genesis mumbled, setting both the book and can opener on his desk. His face quickly turned apprehensive. "...How long have you been back there, Strife?"

Honestly, Cloud had no clue. "A few hours, sir."

The commander flushed and buried his face in his hands. "You saw the can opener battle, then?"

That had been... interesting. "You do Sephiroth's voice quite well, sir, but Angeal's isn't that gruff," Cloud said earnestly.

Laughing, Genesis gave his shoulder a shove. "I'll keep that in mind."

Seeing the redhead smile put Cloud a little more at ease. Of course, having inadvertently spied on the man all day certainly helped, too. "If I may ask, sir, what exactly are you going to do to Zack?"

"Oh, I'm sure between the two of us, we can come up with something," Genesis smirked. "What was that about me roasting people with Firaga?"

It then became Cloud's turn to blush. "I'm sorry, sir..."

"Believe me, I don't do it nearly as often as the rumors say. Anyway..." Genesis grabbed his new copy of Loveless off his desk and took hold of Cloud's wrist. "You must be starving, and I know this lovely Banoran restaurant just down Loveless Avenue..."

"And you don't know how it got back out?"

Zack yelped as Sephiroth pulled another needle from his arm. "Ach! No, of course not!"

Angeal sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Why did it have to be his apprentice, of all people, that trouble just couldn't keep away from?

Hiding in the coat closet of Angeal's front room, a certain redheaded commander, a certain chocobo-haired cadet and a certain cactuar giggled conspiratorially, while the Silver Demon of Wutai tended to Zack the Porcupine.

A/N: Good grief, this took me forever to write... It's late, I'm lazy. Review and I shall be happy.

RegenesisX