Chivalry's Dead, a harry potter fanfic

Chivalry's Dead

The one where Sirius goes out of his way to prove to Remus that chivalry isn't dead and James permanently injures himself from excessive eye-rolling and prolonged exposure to idiots. Fluff. SBRL

SBRL

Remus stalked into the Gryffindor common room, a few metres in front of a snickering James Potter.

"Chivalry's dead," James announced as he dumped his bag by the fire and threw himself onto the couch, plopping his feet into Sirius' lap."Chivalry is dead and Remus will never, ever find a decent man to woo him."

"Oh fuck off!" Remus snapped grumpily, collapsing down into the nearest arm chair and dropping his head in his hands.

Sirius looked mildly affronted. "Hey! I'm a decent man willing to woo you. And get your sodding great big feet off of my new pants, Prongs."

James rolled his eyes and removed his feet. "Well, according to old Moony over there, chivalry is dead. No wonder you can't get into his pants, Padfoot, this boy has standards."

A cushion hit James in the face. "I just said that chivalry is dead, I didn't say 'woe is me, I'm going to be alone all my life' you prat!" Remus grumped.

"It isn't dead," Sirius said with a frown. "Have a little faith in the species, Moonshine."

The werewolf looked pointedly at James, who'd stopped laughing to check out Lily's arse as she bent over to pick up her books.

"Well it isn't dead with everyone," Sirius amended.

Remus snorted. "Prove it, Pads. Until then, I'm considering it dead and buried." He stood up from his seat and began to walk up the stairs to the dormitory.

"Challenge accepted!" Sirius called to him as he reached the door, and Remus slammed it behind him.

SBRL

James pressed himself flat into the wall behind a suit of armour as Professor McGonagall walked past. She'd already caught him hanging around the corridor twice, and she was getting suspicious. He brought his mirror back up level with his face as she passed, looking into it to see annoyed grey orbs staring back at him.

"You could've found a better hiding place," Sirius said reproachfully. James opened his mouth to argue back but the other boy went on. "Anyway, all you need to do is cast that freezing charm on the hall when you see Remus come out of the library. Okay?"

He rolled his eyes. "It's not rocket science, Pads. I think I'll manage. But it's not going to work."

Sirius huffed. "Just cast the bloody charm."

James rolled his eyes again, and tucked the mirror back in his pocket. Bloody Sirius and his bloody stupid plans. He could just ask Remus on a date but no, that'd be too simple for the Great and Mysterious Mr Black. Bloody idiot.

The door to the library opened and Remus walked through, stuffing a thick, dusty tome into his bag. James quickly muttered a freezing charm, turning the previously even temperature hallway into an icebox.

Remus looked up in surprise at the sudden change, eyes narrowing as he shivered, and drew his robe more tightly around him. He began to walk briskly up the hallway, eyes darting around nervously. James appreciated his friend's caution – Snape had vowed revenge for last week's prank.

As Remus drew level with it, Sirius threw aside the tapestry of the charging troll and loudly exclaimed "Moony!" at the top of his lungs. Remus jumped a foot in the air, his bag flying from his grasp and his books and papers strewn across the ground.

"Oops," Sirius said guiltily, looking around at the mess with wide eyes. "I'll get it." Remus closed his eyes and sighed.

Behind the suit of armour, James face-palmed.

Sirius quickly picked up the papers, giving the other boy an apologetic smile. "Sorry," he said and handed Remus the papers and books.

Remus rolled his eyes but smiled back. "Don't worry about it, Pads. What's up?"

He shrugged. "Nothin' much," he replied with a fake, exaggerated shiver.

James hit himself in the face again, just for good measure.

"It's so cold in here," he continued, aiming for casual but failing miserably.

Remus sensed something was wrong, and his eyes narrowed as he regarded his friend. "It is. Suspiciously so. What'd you do, Padfoot?" he asked distrustfully.

Sirius tried to look confused. "What? Nothing, what are you talking about?" he replied, grey eyes wide in mock innocence. "It's just cold in here, that's all. D'you want my cloak?"

Remus ignored the offer and took a step backwards. "I know you've done something, you arse. You jumped out at me from behind a tapestry, and it's all of a sudden really fucking cold."

Sirius sighed. "Um... Coincidence?" he tried, resigned to his fate.

The other boy snorted "Sure it is. I'll see you around, Pads." He gave his friend one last suspicious look, and turned and walked away.

Sirius watched forlornly, cutting a pathetic figure in the middle of the icy corridor.

James extracted himself from the suit of armour, the metal clattering loudly in the now quiet hallway. "I told you it wouldn't work," he said, coming to stand by his friend. "And anyway, it's not chivalrous to offer someone your coat if you're the one making them freeze their balls off."

Sirius gave him the finger.

SBRL

The rain hammered down, large sheets of water soaking the grounds of Hogwarts. James watched Sirius with interest from the Entrance Hall, mouth quirked in amusement. Idiot.

Sirius paced up and back, occasionally in a circle, occasionally in a zigzag pattern, but always returning to stand in front of the door to the Entrance Hall. His little black umbrella was taking a beating from the harsh winds, but this time he was determined. It had been two days since he'd tried to give Remus his cloak and he was going to prove that chivalry wasn't dead, even if he had to stand out in the rain for another hour to do it.

Well... another ten minutes anyway.

Remus appeared at the door of Greenhouse 3, head down as he ran towards the castle, trying to avoid getting saturated.

Sirius gave a triumphant cry that was quickly borne away on the vicious wind, and rushed towards Remus' quickly approaching form.

The rain was beating down in painful, hard drops now.

"Moony!" Sirius shouted over the wind as he neared the other boy, making him look up in surprise.

"Padfoot?" Remus yelled in question, looking confused. "What are you doing?"

Sirius gave him a blinding grin and tried to gesture with the umbrella, but the wind caught under the bottom and turned it inside out. He let out a startled yelp, grabbing the handle with both hands. Man and umbrella grappled in a titanic struggle for supremacy (at least, in Sirius' head) for about two seconds but it was too late. The umbrella was yanked from his grasp and flew into the air, borne on the fierce wind.

Foiled again, he though miserably.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Remus shouted again, one arm held in front of his face as he tried to block the worst of the water.

"I was coming to bring you... the umbrella," Sirius yelled in reply, looking hopelessly up into the thunderous sky.

Remus frowned. "Why? I'm wetter now because I've been standing here talking to you than I would've been if I'd just kept walking!" He couldn't find the energy to be mad though, not with Sirius looking so pathetic with his wet hair, soaked clothes and puppy-dog eyes.

"Come on," he said in exasperation and grabbed his friend's arm, towing him back up towards the castle.

Back in the Entrance Hall, James wiped a tear of laughter from his face. Sirius was a fucking idiot.

SBRL

"Moonshine, let's go for a walk." Sirius stood in front of Remus, who was curled up in the armchair.

"No," Remus replied without looking up from his book.

"Moooooooonshine. I need to be walked every day. If you weren't prepared to look after a dog you shouldn't have taken me in."

Remus snorted. "I wasn't aware that I'd 'taken you in' at all," finally looking up at his friend. "What the fuck are you wearing?"

Sirius looked down at his coat. It was large, brown and went down to his knees. He had it on good authority that it was water-proof, which was actually the only reason he was wearing it – it was ugly as sin, and usually he wouldn't be caught dead in something so unfashionable.

"It's called a driza-bone. I borrowed it from that Australian kid in Ravenclaw; they wear them all the time over there."

Remus stared at him. "Borrowed or stole? And more importantly, why?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Because," he leaned down and plucked the book from his friend's limp hands. "We're going for a walk. And he said they were waterproof."

The werewolf sighed, and let himself be pulled to his feet. "Fine. But should I get your leash and collar? I don't want to get in trouble for not having my dog restrained."

The ground was wet, slippery, muddy, squelchy, sticky, disgusting... Remus could go on for hours. And it was cold. Sirius was insane.

The probably-insane one bounded ahead of his friend, dodging the worst of the mud. He was subtly leading him to the path that ran around the edge of the lake, previously scouted to ensure there were a variety of puddles he could lay his coat across so Remus wouldn't have to get his feet wet. If that wasn't chivalrous, Sirius didn't know what was – even if the coat wasn't technically his. He might keep it anyway.

"Padfoot," Remus whined. "It's cold and awful."

"Do you know what is awful? Those B-grade pornos James has under his bed." Sirius kept walking. They'd reached the path, and he knew for a fact that there was a large puddle just around the corner.

Remus didn't blink at the sudden change of subject. It was mildly disturbing that he was so used to Sirius that he wasn't alarmed by the things that came out of his mouth anymore.

"Oh no!" Sirius fake exclaimed. He'd come to a stop, half around a slight bend in the path. "There's a large puddle here! How will we go on without getting our feet wet?"

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Oh no. Deary me, what in heaven's name will we do?" He shoved his friend lightly. "I know. Let's stop pretending to be posh explorers, and go back to the Common Room where it's warm, and dry, and there is a chair and chocolate and my book."

Sirius turned to him, aghast. "Never! We must push on, Remmy-kins. It's for the good of the country!" His friend rolled his eyes. Why he let himself get dragged into these things, he didn't know.

Sirius took of his coat, struggling with all the bits and pieces while Remus watched, unimpressed.

"You're a twat," he said flatly.

Sirius finally wrestled his coat off and straightened it out. "Moonshine, I can't let you get your feet wet," he announced, and laid the coat across the puddle with a flourish.

It floated there for a second, and then began to slowly sink below the surface.

The pair watched it gradually disappear until the only evidence it had ever been there was a slight ripple in the surface. "Huh," Sirius said. "Deeper than I thought."

"Good," Remus replied with vehemence. "We're going back inside." He turned and began to stalk back along the trail, muttering to himself.

Sirius stared at the puddle forlornly. He'd been sure that would work.

SBRL

James lounged around the Entrance Hall for the second time in two days. Sirius was an idiot, but he'd be damned if he missed any of his attempts to woo his 'one true love'. James knew for a fact that if Sirius actually asked Remus out, instead of just flirting with him and asking him to 'join him in his room for a little bit of insert-euphemism-for-sex-and-or-making-out-here', Remus would love to insert-euphemism-for-sex-and-or-making-out-here. He just didn't think Sirius was serious about it, no pun intended.

He was dragged from his musings when the devils themselves walked through the door. Sirius looked like he'd gone three rounds with a mud puddle and lost, and Remus looked seriously pissed off. James could conclude that it hadn't worked out the way it'd been planned.

Remus stalked over to him, Sirius trailing him like a lost puppy. "From now on," he said grumpily, "You can do the walks and I'll clean up when he pisses on things." He turned and walked up the staircase, still muttering to himself.

James stared after him, bewildered. "What?" he called after him, but the werewolf didn't answer. James turned back to Sirius to ask him what he'd done now, but his friend was already making his way across the hall to a group of Ravenclaws leaning against the wall.

"Your bloody coat doesn't float!" he exclaimed when he reached them, glaring at a blond haired boy James only knew as That-Australian-Kid.

"What?" That-Australian-Kid asked in confusion.

"Your coat! The driza-bone! It doesn't float!" James face-palmed.

"Well... no mate. Of course it doesn't. It's heavy. But how do you know that?" Now he looked suspicious.

"You leant it to me. And it's in a puddle near the lake, I tried to fish it out but I couldn't. You can get it when it dries up."

That-Australian-Kid stared at him. "You threw my driza-bone in the lake? But... I didn't lend it to you. You threw it in the lake?" he repeated, obviously gob-smacked.

"Well... lent it to me, I stole it from you, same thing. Whatever." Sirius waved his hand distractedly. "It doesn't matter anyway; nobody is ever going to think I'm chivalrous. Your coat's cursed with un-chivalry."

That-Australian-Kid opened his mouth, closed it, opened it and then closed it again. What the fuck. This kind of shit didn't happen to him in Australia.

"You... you stole his coat and threw it in the lake. How was that ever going to be chivalrous?" a Ravenclaw asked timidly.

Sirius rolled his eyes and flailed about for a second. "The problem with you lot, is that you always think you're right." He turned and stalked up the staircase, leaving James to clutch at the wall with tears of laughter streaming down his cheeks.

SBRL

"Don't worry," Sirius announced to James at breakfast the next day. "I've recovered, and I have a new chivalrous plan."

The other boy snickered. "I don't think that Australian kid's recovered."

Sirius ignored him. "I'm going to carry his books for him. Chivalrous and simple, so it can't go wrong."

"Probably won't. You-" James began, deciding he had to put a stop to the madness right then and there, but Remus had walked into the Great Hall and Sirius had started to flail at him frantically. "Fine. But we're talking about this later!" James hissed in exasperation.

Remus thumped down into a seat next to them. "Talk about what later?" he asked as he piled pancakes onto his plate.

Sirius' eyes went wide and he subtly drew his finger across his throat at James. You're dead, his grey eyes said. "Well," he said after a pause. "Prongs had a sex question that isn't appropriate for the breakfast table. It's about... whips and stuff."

A few places down from James, Marlene McKinnon knocked her plate off the table. "You want to know about what, James?" she squawked.

Sirius smirked at him across the table. "You are no longer my friend," James hissed across the table and turned to Marlene. "No, Marly, that's not..."

Remus was staring at Sirius with his eyebrows raised. "That's not what he really wanted to know about, was it?" he asked.

"Sure was. Turns out old Prongs is into that kind of thing."

Remus' eyebrows rose even higher. "Disturbing," he said with feeling.

SBRL

The three of them walked out of the Common Room with Defence books in hand, Sirius and James arguing heatedly while Remus ignored them both.

"She said she's going to tell Lily!" James almost yelled. "You twat! Now Lily's never going to date me because she thinks I'm going to ask her to dress up in leather! Or that I'll want to dress up in leather!"

"Oh yeah," Sirius replied with a roll of his eyes. "Like she was going to date you anyway."

James growled. "Like I said! No longer my friend!" he snarled and stormed ahead of them, his robes billowing out behind him.

"He looks like Snape when he does that," Sirius commented with a snicker. "I should tell him that."

Remus looked at him pointedly. "Yes, start another fight. That will be good."

Sirius sighed. "Mooooonshine," he whined, but Remus stared him down. "Fine. I'll apologise when I see him next," he huffed.

"Good boy," Remus replied smugly.

SBRL

James forgave Sirius in Defence Against the Dark Arts. James was like that, quick to anger, quick to forgive. But he also wanted to watch Sirius fuck up and annoy Remus by trying to be chivalrous again, so making peace was in his best interest.

The three walked down the corridor, James and Sirius whining about the essay they'd been given.

"Honestly! Two rolls of parchment about the importance of correct wand motions in shield spells! Like that's ever going to be relevant in real life!" Sirius complained.

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Considering that without the correct wand motions the spell doesn't work, I'd say it's pretty damn relevant to real life," he said drily.

"Oh shut it, Moony," James snapped. Remus hmphed, and stalked ahead of the pair.

Sirius watched him walk a little way up the corridor and turned to his friend. "Right Prongs old boy," he hissed. "Stay back behind us a bit. You'll get a great view of my triumph from here."

James opened his mouth to argue but Sirius just patted him on the head and bounded ahead up the corridor.

"My Moonshine!" he called. "Wait up!"

James allowed himself another face palm.

Remus gave a long suffering sigh. "Do you have to call me Moonshine in public all the time?" he said, turning around to give his friend A Look.

"But..." Sirius looked confused. "What would I call you if I didn't call you Moonshine?" He fell in to step beside his friend.

"I don't know, Remus, maybe?" he replied sarcastically. He was still pissed at James.

"That's boring though," Sirius replied with a shrug. "So, what do we have next?"

Remus gave another sigh. "You know, it would be a nice change if you actually bothered to learn the time table for once. What do you do when I'm not here? Or you have a different class to me?"

Sirius' forehead crinkled. "I... ask Pete. What do I need to learn it for? It changes every year anyway."

"We have Transfiguration," he replied, ignoring Sirius' last statement. Sometimes he swore he was going to go mad from being surrounded by Sirius'... illogic. That's what it was, his illogic.

And speaking of:

"Those transfiguration books are really quite heavy aren't they," Sirius said conversationally, stretching out his arms and shoulder muscles.

James sniggered behind them. Remus turned around to give him a confused look, but James was very studiously avoiding the werewolf's eye, staring at the paintings on the wall.

"Not really," he said finally, turning back to give Sirius a confused look.

Sirius, all at once, realised a fatal flaw in his planning: what to do if Remus disagreed with him.

"They are, really. If you think about it."

Remus could hear James sniggering behind them again. "No, they're not. What are you talking about? Its two books. They're not even that thick."

Now there is a reason for Sirius to learn the timetable – he would know what lesson they had, and hence what books they needed, and therefore which books are good ones to use when claiming they're heavy. Not that he really did that a lot... But still. Just in case.

"What are you talking about?" Remus repeated, ignoring James behind them. His sniggers had turned into ridiculous little giggles.

"I just mean that they're heavy. These books are heavy too, you know," Sirius replied, sounding somewhat desperate.

Remus stopped, and turned back to James. "What is he talking about?" he asked him in exasperation.

"Just that! The books are heavy!" Sirius huffed.

"Yeah," James giggled. "Just that. They're... heavy." He took a deep breath, trying to put on a serious face.

"But they're not," Remus said slowly, as if he was talking to a child.

Sirius looked at James desperately, who shrugged, and he huffed. "Fine. No, they're not heavy at all. Not even a tiny, little bit."

He turned away and stalked up the corridor, leaving behind a bewildered Remus and seriously amused James.

Fucking idiot.

SBRL

Sirius ignored Remus for the rest of the day, which confused him even more. Just because he'd disagreed with him about how heavy the books were? But by lunchtime, he seemed to have forgiven him. He asked him for the potatoes, at least.

It still took Sirius the rest of the day to recover enough to think up a new plan though.

SBRL

At breakfast the next day, Sirius announced he had a new plan.

"I have a new plan," he told James seriously.

James groaned. "Just give up. It's not going to work, whatever it is." He paused. "What is it?"

Sirius shook his head. "That's the problem. I've told you all my plans, and you've ruined all of them. I'm not telling you, I'm just going to do it. And then you'll see."

James sighed. "Okay," he said. "Because I definitely was the one to ruin all your plans," he muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

SBRL

It finally happened in Potions. They'd waited outside until Slughorn had arrived, and Sirius, who'd dragged them to the front of the line for once, barrelled inside before anyone else could move. And held the door open for Moony.

"Thanks," Remus said as he walked through after him.

For one short second, Sirius froze – just long enough for James to duck inside with a wry smile on his face – before he let go of the door and leapt in the air.

Outside there was a groan. The door had swung shut and hit Marlene McKinnon in the face. James felt a stab of vindictive pleasure. She totally deserved it after telling Lily he liked whips.

"Fuck yes! I totally am chivalrous Remus Lupin!" Sirius exclaimed.

Remus and Slughorn both turned around in confusion. "What?" Remus asked, forehead crinkled.

"Mr Black! That language is not acceptable!" Slughorn snapped. "Ten points from Gryffindor."

Sirius started clapping, hopping from foot to foot in a mini-Irish jig. James rolled his eyes. He looked like a complete twat.

"And you got to see it after all Jamie. You should be so glad," he added gleefully.

"See what, exactly?" asked Remus again. Everyone was slowly filing into the classroom, Marlene holding her head back to stop her nose from bleeding.

"What the bloody hell were you doing letting the door slam like that?" Lily asked angrily as she stormed through the door, red hair streaming behind her. "You might've broken her nose!"

"I don't care," Sirius replied with a grin. He didn't look away from Remus, who still hadn't been told exactly what he'd just seen. "Because, Moonshine, you just saw me open a door for you. You just saw me be chivalrous. Challenge completed."

It took Remus a few seconds to understand exactly what Sirius meant. James watched, a big grin on his face, as understanding dawned and his face changed from confusion to shock horror.

"That is what you've been doing for the past week? That's what the... walks in the mud and the umbrella in the rain was about? Oh my god is that what the heavy book thing was about?" He was completely gobsmacked.

Sirius shrugged and smiled sheepishly. "So it took me a few goes to get it right. But I did, in the end, because I am chivalrous. Therefore, chivalry is not dead. Ha," he added as an afterthought.

Remus stared, unable to form coherent sentences.

"What are you on about, Black?" Lily snapped. "I see your little band of brats understands, but we don't." Her green eyes were flashing angrily. "You've broken Marley's nose."

Slughorn watched on in interest. "Ahem, yes Mr Black I believe an explanation is required," he said, frowning.

The rest of the class stood around the door, the majority feeling privileged to witness another of those Marauder moments that was sure to be remembered.

Neither Sirius nor Remus replied, favouring staring at each other instead.

James coughed. When neither of them moved, he gave a long suffering sigh. "Remus... unwittingly challenged Sirius to prove that chivalry wasn't dead. Sirius just managed, after many attempts, to prove that it is alive and kicking by opening the door for Remus. He's... excited."

The entire class went silent.

"That," Lily snapped after a moment, "Is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my entire life. Why don't you just ask him on a date you imbecile?"

Sirius managed to drag his attention away from Remus upon hearing that. "Just ask him on a date? But that's boring. It has to be something worthy of telling our kids one day," he replied earnestly.

Remus choked, and James rolled his eyes.

"Our kids?" he exclaimed, eyes wide.

It was Sirius' turn to roll his eyes. "Yes, Moonshine, our kids. Accept it and move on."

Remus stared at him intently for a moment, eyes searching for some hint of a prank. He found none, only Sirius gazing back at him seriously.

"Okay," he said finally. "Okay."

The whole class was silent, stunned. Finally, Slughorn pulled himself from his shock and gave an awkward cough. "If we've all quite finished with the almost-proposals?" he asked, trying for snide but landing way wide of the mark.

"Well," James began, looking hopefully at Lily.

"We're finished!" she said quickly, stepping away from James.

"Then we'll start the lesson." Slughorn seemed slightly shaken, as if he wasn't quite sure what to do next.

"So... now do you want to go upstairs and have sex?" Sirius asked hopefully as they went to their station.

Remus cocked his head to the side, pretending to think about it. "Yeah. Yeah I guess so."

SBRL

This took me a ridiculously long time to write... Life and such. But it's unbeta'd, because it did take me so long :P Thoughts? And if anyone finds anything wrong, please let me know =)

Lady Sarai Black