A/N - This gave me fits. It is unbetaed and I am not at all sure that I managed to do what I set out to do. Please let me know what you think, especially if you have no freaking clue where I am going with this.

To Suspend All this Reality

Kate thinks that she has never seen such a perfect sky.

Now,

She is rushing up the stairs, the fear heavy and icy in her chest, knotting in her stomach. It is threatening to overwhelm her and she doesn't have the slightest idea how to deal with that so she just ignores it the best she can. She is clinging to her usual detachment with her fingernails, but the panic is right there, waiting to escape.

Kate bursts into the room with only a cursory stab at proper police procedure because-thank god – Castle's right there and he's okay and for the first time since she spoke to Martha something eases around her throat and allows her to really breathe. She leans down behind him to uncuff him and it's all she can do not to bury her face against his shoulder. To breathe in his scent, to feel him solid and warm against her, just for a moment.

Instead she chokes out, "I'm so glad you're okay," which has to be the most inane understatement of all time. As she turns the key in the cuffs, her fingers on his wrists, she wonders if he can feel the trembling in her hands. She is grateful that even though her hands are shaking, her voice is not. Kate doesn't want anyone - him – to realize how scared she has been, even if right now she doesn't remember why he can't know.

Later, in front of the fountain, she tentatively grasps his knee, trying to comfort them both. "I know how you feel." Inadequate, she knows, but the only thing she can offer right now. Kate hates that he has this knowledge, this terrible weight that was never his to carry.

"I know you do." He answers simply, and reaches down to hold her hand, and as much as it is for them, tonight it isn't enough, not when she spent thirty horrible minutes trying not to imagine a world without Castle , trying not to see him spread lifeless across the floor. His hand in hers isn't enough to melt the cold ball of residual fear in her chest, and she feels hopeless and enraged all at once.

And then something changes, both within her and without, as if the whole world takes a small step to the right. Before Kate even knows she has decided to do it she gives in to her earlier impulse and quickly turns her body into his, her other hand wrapping around the nape of his neck, her face against his throat, his steady pulse fluttering against her temple.

Castle sits frozen for a second, shocked at this flagrant disregard for their unspoken boundaries, but within an instant he has recovered and is wrapping his arm around her, pulling her closer, burying his hand in her hair. The relief is enormous, enough that she is able to ignore the small but insistent voice telling her that this is wrong, whispering that this isn't how it goes for them.

She doesn't know how long they sit like that, holding the terrible events of the day at bay. She had been so scared. Even with her eyes closed she can see the flash from the gumball; even with his arm across her back and his hand warm on her neck the tightness in her chest won't ease. So scared.

and then,

Chaos.

For about a hundredth of a second she thought Raglan's coffee had spontaneously combusted.

And then she's acting on instinct and adrenaline and she can't be about to lose her only lead again and then Castle's face swims into focus as he reaches for her jacket and chokes out something about her being hit.

Despite the sharp pain in her chest, she knows this blood isn't hers, and the relief in his eyes when she tells him so almost knocks her out of the moment, out of her job, the urge to reassure him is so strong.

It is only after he knows she is okay that he turns to the man actually dying on the floor.

Kate thinks she must have imagined it. But.

"When I saw the blood on your shirt I thought you'd been shot." Castle almost manages to make his voice nonchalant, but his face…there's a certain hollowness behind his eyes and he's staring at her like she could evaporate at any moment. He's keeping very still, his eyes never leaving her, but Kate sees his hands shaking before he slowly clenches them into fists at his sides.

She hates this. Hates that he saw this, hates that she dragged him here. Hates that as much as he tries to hide it, the residual fear from thinking she'd been shot is still making his heart race and his hands shake. Hates that now she knows he wasn't acting so strangely subdued because he watched a man die, but because he thought he was going to have to watch her die.

It says horrible things about her that deep inside she is in equal parts horrified and exhilarated that he cares so much.

Kate has a growing, terrible suspicion that if something were to happen to her it might ruin Castle. A suspicion borne of the abrupt knowledge of how she would feel if…. God. One ill-timed move and he could just as easily have been the one shot today. Her stomach turns and it's all she can do to keep her coffee down and her face blank. If his shirt had been the one splashed red with blood she's pretty sure she would have let Raglan die alone on that floor, ignored and forgotten.

But now's not the time for this (it's never the time) and she has shit to do , so she shoves everything down and closes it up tight. The lights from the police cars flashing through the windows are bothering her, making her squint, and the lost look in his eyes twists at something in her chest. She opens her mouth to let him know she's heading to the 12thand that she'll drop him at his place, when suddenly everything tilts. She feels surreal and off balance, and when she has steadied she finds herself saying something very different.

"I'm sorry you were scared"

His head comes up as his eyes fly to her face, surprise replacing the shell-shocked look he'd had since the shooting. Her heart hurts a little that he is so taken aback by her show of concern. Her fault. She takes a step closer, turns her head to get the lights out of her eyes.

"I.." Castle takes a breath, drops his eyes, swallows. "I was." He nods, and meets her eyes. "God, Kate."

He slowly reaches his hand towards hers, unsure of his reception, and she can't bear it. The emotion she has relentlessly shoved down is trying to escape all at once, making her eyes water and her chest ache.

She reaches out and meets him halfway, grasping his hand in hers, for once not caring that she's at work, that there are people around who will notice. For once not worrying that someone might think she has a thing for Richard Castle.

Instead she steps close enough to feel the heat from his body and squeezes his hand, both hopeful and afraid that he will understand all that she can't say.

and then,

She's drifting to sleep in Castle's arms. The cold has receded, leaving a strange, disjointed numbness and the oddest sense of coming home. She and Castle are going to die, she has no doubt, and if she could really feel anything she knows the regret would be overwhelming. But they're together, and the thought gives her a hazy sense of contentment and relief. Kate doesn't think she could have survived being left behind by another person she loves.

Hours later, Kate watches Castle come toward her across the parking lot, his blanket held tight across his shoulders. She clutches her own blanket more snugly and suppresses a shiver. The cold is worse now than when she thought she was dying. She has about ten seconds before he reaches her side. Ten seconds to pretend nothing really happened, to forget the dangerous clarity she had as they lay dying in each other's arms. She can't think about it. They made it out of the foxhole and she's a disbeliever once again.

"Saw your boy's back in town." Castle's voice is completely casual and she is grateful. The panic begins to recede as she realizes he's not going to push it, he's not going to make her examine what happened. Nothing has to change.

Kate seizes on the thought of Josh, the safety of Josh, and smiles to herself. She honestly didn't think he would stay, and she is oddly touched. Besides, contemplating Josh and his unexpected gesture of devotion is a distraction from other, more significant gestures of devotion that she can't think about at all without becoming shaky and sick. Putting off a trip to Haiti to spend time with your girlfriend is understandable, and doesn't have to mean any more than that. Being willing to die with your co-worker isn't as explicable and Kate is afraid she knows exactly what it means. She can feel her chest tighten again with panic.

"What does that mean to you?" For one bizarre second she thinks Castle has read her mind, until she realizes he is asking about Josh. He sounds almost offhand as he throws out the question, and she wishes she could see his expression, but she's too busy staring at the asphalt. It's a terrible idea to look at Castle while she's trying to concentrate on Josh, and this sacrifice he has made for them to have a chance.

But she has to turn her head, because the ambulance is flashing like a strobe light in her peripheral vision and it's making her queasy. The sick feeling becomes stronger as all at once she feels inside out and backwards, like she's stepped through an invisible wall and is somehow observing herself. The cold that had been dissipating comes roaring back, focusing in a hard, painful knot in her chest.

She knows that she's supposed to answer Castle's question, to tell him that she now believes she and Josh have a chance, but the words stick in her throat. Her vision almost tunnels and when it clears the lights are too bright and everything seems off, except for her certainty that she doesn't really believe she and Josh have any sort of chance at all.

Everything shimmers, and all at once her barriers are down, like they were in the freezer, but without the numbness of imminent death to protect her. Kate can feel Castle's eyes on her. Even through their blankets she can feel the warmth of him beside her, pushing back the cold. And in that moment she knows.

She's been fooling herself. Tonight, since the Hamptons, maybe since that long ago night when she ignored her nerves, flashed her badge, and pulled Castle out of his party and into her life.

She turns to Rick without answering and slowly, tentatively leans her head on his shoulder, making it their only point of contact. He stills beside her and she can feel his uncertainty, his confusion, but she can do nothing to assuage it. She is closing her eyes against the lights and trying to breathe past the ache in her chest. Fighting with everything she has to keep herself from leaning up and whispering in his ear.

We have a chance.

and then,

If only.

Ifonlyifonlyifonly. Kate has said the words to herself so many times since reading Royce's letter that they have lost all meaning. Right now they are running together in her head like one big, repetitious regret. She wants to say something to Castle, has the whole ride from the airport, and the closer they get to her apartment the faster she feels like she is losing her chance at something she still isn't sure she should want.

The cab pulls up outside her building, breaking a little too hard. She and Castle both fall forward with the momentum and it is only his arm flung across her chest, like a protective father, that keeps her from banging into the plexiglass. She throws her arm up around his, pressing on her sternum. The impact hurt more than it should have.

"Hey. You okay?" Castle is searching her face, trying to catch her eyes. Kate doesn't blame him. She's barely said two words to him since he woke up on the plane, and she knows he probably thinks she's mad at him for something. She isn't.

Kate's furious at herself. Mad and frustrated and disappointed, because she feels like a coward, and she hates that. The worst part is she doesn't know exactly what is wrong with her, only that the other night combined with Royce's letter have made her uncharacteristically shy and tentative with Castle. It's like if she doesn't say anything she won't say something wrong. They're on the edge of something, and if she just sits tight she won't accidently tip them over. She doesn't want it to be by accident.

Her phone rings, and she's jolted back to herself as she realizes she's been sitting on the edge of the seat clutching Castle's arm to her chest for at least the last 30 seconds while he stares at her, frozen, as though he can't decide whether to tease her or pull her into a hug. The part of her psyche that she seems to have lost control over in the last 24 hours votes for the hug.

Kate abruptly drops his arm and scoots back, automatically reaching for her phone, her eyes still on Castle, a hot blush rushing to her cheeks. He still hasn't moved; his hand is still lying across her thigh where she dropped it and now he just looks confused. That makes two of them.

She glances down at her phone and can barely suppress a sigh when she sees that it's Josh. So exactly what this moment needed. She hits ignore and looks up at Castle who is still staring at her like he hopes if he does it hard enough he will be able to read her mind. She wants to tell him it wouldn't do any good if he could. She can't even figure out her own head right now.

"Josh." She explains, smiling a little. She's not sure why she said anything.

"Ah." Castle looks away then, down at his lap, and Kate suddenly feels guilty. Her chest feels tight when she immediately recognizes that it isn't for Josh's sake.

She wants to tell him that she hasn't talked to Josh in days, since before they left for L.A. Since before Royce was killed. She wants to tell him that Josh doesn't even know about Royce, like he doesn't know about her mother, and that for all that Josh is aware, she has been at the precinct as usual these last couple days. And with an ache that has nothing to do with the oddly lingering pain in her chest, she is suddenly desperate to tell Rick that despite all appearances he doesn't need to worry about Josh.

It's terrible, to be unable to take the leap, to face her own cowardice and the fact that she is using two good men because of her own insurmountable issues. Kate knows she is horrified at herself, and that this realization propels her out of the cab with only a cursory mumbled goodbye to Castle… but she's not on the sidewalk, and the guilt she should be feeling for Josh remains strangely absent, even as everything goes wavy on the edges.

She has that weird feeling again, like she's outside of herself, watching something that she can't quite remember happening. Kate knows she keeps quiet, but she wants to say it so badly and reality is bending, distorting like a fun house mirror.

"I opened the door." she blurts abruptly, "To my bedroom. In LA." She's babbling, and it feels like her chest is seizing up. The sun through the window is hurting her eyes and she can smell the freshly mown grass from the park across the street. Castle stares at her across the back of the cab, not breathing. His forehead slightly crinkled his eyes wide, he is too stunned to be hopeful, and she can tell he doesn't quite get it. Her heart is pounding so hard she can hear it behind her ears and her chest aches with every breath, but she tries again to clarify, to make him understand. As the words are coming out of her mouth she realizes she is afraid.

"I opened the door, but you were already gone."

and finally,

"….you know what Beckett, I don't think we're gonna win this."

Kate stares at him in disbelief, even though she's known this was coming from the moment she opened the door. Castle looks wiped out, haggard. The worst she's ever seen him, like he's already lost.

"Walk away. They're going to kill you, Kate. And if you don't care about that, at least think about how that's going to affect the people that love you. You really want to put your dad through that? And what about Josh..?"

Everything wobbles and ripples and suddenly it's all too much. That Castle, Castle, the one who opened Pandora's box, but then stood with her, holding hope in his hands; the only one whose support she had never, ever, even thought to doubt, is asking her to step away.

For Josh. Because it would hurt Josh, one of the people who loves her.

Kate is furious and exhausted and abruptly sick of this whole charade. "And what about you, Rick?"

She feels like his answer will change everything, because if you're lucky you find someone who is willing to stand with you. But he won't say it, (why won't he say it? ) and she can't, even if the why no longer matters or makes any sense at all. And time is slipping. Faster now.

"Of course I don't want you to get hurt! You're my partner! You're my friend!"

It's like this is the worst thing he's ever said to her. His words are physically painful, like a shot to the chest, a pain so acute it makes her catch her breath. She sucks in air, blinking to get the light out of her eyes, and it is only her vague sense that they have to finish this that lets her gasp out, "Is that what we are?"

His face changes as everything shimmers. His confusion and frustration melt into tenderness as he steps closer. "Of course that's not all we are." He reaches out for her, like he always reaches out for her, but she whirls away, because something is wrong. This isn't how it went, she's sure this time. They are off script, and the pain in her chest and the light in her eyes won't let her think straight.

"You don't know me Castle!" She has no idea why she is doing this, pushing him away, trying to force him back into reality when he is saying exactly what she really wants to hear. Except… it's not like the other times, the truth is right there, and she can't shake the dread snaking through her body, because if this isn't real... "You think you do…"

Rick is suddenly at her side, in her face, grabbing her in a hug of almost brutal force. She is jarred backwards, and almost feels like she is falling, with only his arms to support her. "I do know you." His breath is against her ear, and all the anger drains out of her as everything in her acknowledges the truth of this, the reality. His hand curls around her neck and she just wants to sink into to him, for this to be over.

But the sun is in her eyes again. The smell of fresh grass is all around her, and his voice is tinged with panic as he whispers, "Kate. Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me, please." And it doesn't make sense, because she knows this isn't how it happened. They fought, and she told him to get out, and then he left her. But not forever. No one was supposed to leave forever.

Kate tries to touch his face to reassure him but can barely raise her hand. Stay with me, okay? Her voice seems to be broken, and the fear she can see in his eyes above her cause her own to fill with tears. His panic begins to seep into her as she realizes that maybe this is how it happened, maybe this is how it is happening, under this perfect sky with her blood bright red on her white gloves, and the only thought she can really hold onto is that it can't end like this.

"Kate. I love you. I love you, Kate."

It can't end. Not now that she knows what's real.