A Change to Grace

Chapter One.

You are a DISGRACE! You may look like a bride, but you will never bring your family honor!

Mulan woke with a start as the nightmare shook her to her senses and she shivered, glancing to the end of the tent, where Mushu was fast asleep. She was freezing. And her nerves were on end as she remembered the Matchmaker's dripping, hideous face. "Get it together," She chided herself, sitting up from the ground to stretch. It wasn't dawn yet. But she wasn't sure she'd be able to settle down enough to sleep another couple of hours. Dressing in Ping's clothing, and drawing up her hair, she moved silently out of the tent to go to the main campfire.

It still burned, very softly. Just enough to emit some warmth. She could hear the other men snoring in their tents all around, and it almost made her roll her eyes. She didn't understand why men, such loud and obnoxious creatures could be afforded more respect than women. Mulan knew she wasn't the most graceful of them, but it would seem they were the true warriors between bearing and raising children and, in a way, continuing to look after their husbands like their children. Truth be told, she didn't understand why that sort of thing required grace at all.

With a sigh, the young woman picked up a small twig from the ground and poked at the cinders, waking them from their own slumber to sizzle against the damp wood. Mulan would be a fool to claim she understood much about society. She wasn't like the other girls in more ways than one. She was smart, and clever. As a child she had played chess games against Fa Zhu and his friends only to amuse them by winning. As she had gotten older, they had been less amused. And while she was not poised and delicate, she was spry and enthusiastic. She got her work done around the farm and on most days, on good days, she enjoyed it.

There was a rustling behind her, and she snapped her head to look back, and nearly fell over when she realized it was Captain Li approaching her. She had to get it together. Knowing her she'd start fumbling in her normal voice and blow her cover. Clearing her throat, and realizing that her hand had fallen to the sword on her hip, she laughed low in her throat, nervously. "Captain, I uh…I thought you were a Hun for a second there."

"Your reflexes have improved, Fa Ping," He sidestepped the younger soldier to sit near him, also restless. He didn't pay mind to the boy for a moment, warming his hands before he tossed some fresh wood into the cinders. Unseen, Mushu crept up and breathed until a flame ignited the dry wood. He hid before the Captain could catch sight, and Shang smiled to himself before addressing Ping.

"You see why I believe in you men, Ping? Why my father believed in me? The cinders were only just burning but with some new fuel, they could light just as strong of a fire as the flint."

Ping grimaced slightly, and scratched the back of his head. He supposed there was a lesson beyond that, that a little deception could go a long way. He hoped he wouldn't have to worry about that. "Yeah I uh…you're a great leader, like your father, Captain. Without your spark we'd…all fizzle out." Boy, men sure had strange euphamisms.

Shang smiled a little, probably the most genuine emotion Ping had ever seen on his face, and he was dumbfounded by it. Internally, Mulan couldn't help but remark about how handsome that made him, which made Ping blush and look away. "You know Ping you were a pretty sorry excuse when you showed up, but I think with a little courage you could be as great of a warrior as your father."

And that didn't help the blushing. Ping looked up at the captain and their eyes met a moment, before they both looked away. Shame, shame, shame on them both. Shang felt a strange mixture of elation and disgust from the intimate little moment. He didn't know what kept drawing him to this younger man but he prayed, daily, for his ancestors to protect him from that strange sensation. It was true, he had focused his youth and early adulthood on his training at his father's side. Not much time had been left for girls, so he assumed it was just a perverted expression of his inner frustrations.

"Uh…ahem. Would you care to spar this morning?" The captain stood, gazing down at his cadet. Ping cleared his throat before standing as well.

"Sure."

They left the area of tents, and pursued a clearer place where they bowed and began to engage in some simple combat. Mostly, Shang was testing him to see what he had learned so far. The better Ping did, the more difficult Shang made it. By the time Ping was down, the sun was preparing to rise in the distance. Shang, out of breath, moved to offer him his hand to help him up.

But something curious happened.

As he bent over his comrade, he noted that Ping's hair had come loose, and was falling around his face. And if Shang didn't know any better, he would have called what he saw beauty. He found himself staring down at him until Ping felt up around his head and realized that his hair was out of it's tie, and he began to laugh nervously as Shang tentatively helped him sit up.

"Aha, sorry about that!" Mulan, released ever so briefly from her disguise, was panicking inside. She dusted herself off and tried to keep her cool. After all, a panic would be more suspicious than for her, or Ping, rather, to shrug it off. So he had a pretty face. Such was his curse.

Standing, she quickly scooped her hair up and tried to knot it despite the way her hands were shaking. "I hate when that happens, you know? If only we could just cut it all the way off. It'd be so much simpler!" Of course that idea was ludicrous. But she felt like it may be a manly thing to say.

"Um," Nervously, she flitted toward her tent when he didn't respond, and continued to stare at her. "I gotta go. Clean up. I'll seeya…" Darting into the safe privacy of the canvas she quickly hurried to fix herself up properly. What a day. What a start to the day.

"Girl, you came sooo cloooose to blowing it…"

"Mushu," She glared at him as he slithered into the tent. "I could have used your help back there."

Mushu made a face. "Well it's not like he wouldn't have noticed if a dragon has climbed onto you to fix your hair!"

She sighed. He was right. That would have made it worse. Hopefully he could accept that it happened from time to time and that she had been as manly as she could think to be about it. As he did every morning, Mushu stuffed her with breakfast before they loaded up the tent and set Kahn up with the equipment wagon. They were nearing the Tung Shou pass, and Shang expected them to arrive at his father's camp within three days. As they marched, she felt Lao poke her in the back.

"Looks like Pretty Boy did a numbuh on you," He commented, pointing to a pebble-sized bruise on Ping's cheek.

Ping chuckled, and rubbed the spot. "Ah, you know. Nothing I couldn't fend off in my sleep."

Yao elbowed him suddenly and he glanced up to see Captain Li watching from nearby. He swallowed hard, but his superior just walked away with his arms folded calmly behind his back. Great. He'd come back to make sure they weren't horsing around and here he was, lying about whether he could take him in a fight.

The guys all jeered him on, and he let it go.

The last night before they reached the higher part of the mountains with snow, Ping waited for everyone to go to bed before hurrying with Khan to the nearest water in the hopes of bathing. He was stopped quickly when he realized the Captain had had the same idea, and he stared down into the water where his superior was just stepping into the water as the moon glowed down on him.

Mulan had seen plenty of the guys naked at this point. They had bathed together, albeit, briefly, since she usually distracted them and fled before one of them accidentally realized there were breasts nearby. But, in all that time, with flabby men and skinny men, old and young, she had never seen a man like him naked.

Shang's muscles seemed even bigger with the water dripping down them, and beyond that, he seemed so at peace there. Thankfully, he walked further in and hid his unmentionables before she could allow herself to stare at those. But it didn't change her fascination. She watched the way he floated and the gentle way he poured the water over himself.

If she didn't know better she'd have gone into that lake and started rubbing…

Aiyaa! Mulan nearly smacked herself when Shang glanced over and noticed her watching…and she wasn't even hiding her femininity at that point. Her hair was down and she had a cloth wrapped daintily around her little body to dry off with after her bath. And she was blushing, profusely at the fantasy she had almost escaped into.

But she'd been spotted. And she was going to die with no honor, smelling like an army brat.

"Hey!" She had taken off at full speed and dashed into her little tent. She whispered desperately for Mushu and fumbled for clothes, but didn't manage to find any to pull on fast enough. She had planned to clean those in the lake too, and they were in her bag, still strapped to Kahn. Her heart was pounding and her face was red with embarrassment and fear.

She was done for.

The tent came open just behind her and Shang grabbed her wrist, dragging her out. "No, please! Please stop, I can explain!"

"Be quiet, you'll wake Chi Fu," He warned her in an icy voice, and she obeyed. Preying he had some compassion in his heart for someone willing to do anything for their father. He lead her into his private tent and threw her down on the ground, and she struggled to keep the makeshift towel around her body.

"Would you care to explain now?" He marched to his sword even with the words coming from him, drawing it from it's sheath. "Because whether you do or not, I'm required to kill you."

"Please, Captain, you don't understand. My father is old, he's disabled. The last war brought him home with a bad leg. He would have died here and I…I needed to prove that I was good for something." She shook her head. "I won't strike a match in my village. I'm not…feminine. I'm not even pretty. I did this for my father. So he'd have something to be proud of."

"I don't think he'd be proud of his daughter dressing like a man and being executed by a high-ranking officer," His voice had clearly softened but his resolve seemed steady.

"You of all people should understand loyalty."

"Oh I do, I'm loyal to my Emperor."

"Aren't you loyal to your heart?"

"That's irrelevant," He seethed, lifting the sword. "I have no compassion for wanton people who ignore the law and do whatever they please!"

"Then why haven't you killed me yet?"

At that, his face fell. And slowly, over a few moments, his arms did too, and he dropped the sword at his side. Shaking his head he turned his back to her. "Over the past few weeks I've…felt things." Mulan's heart sped at this, but she dared not interrupt. "And I couldn't explain them. Because I felt them around you. When we'd fall against one another in training and when you'd sit and talk to me…"

"Shang, I…"

"I thought as though I had an infatuation with another man." Shang spat, glaring at her. "I felt as though you…I thought I was going to commit a sin worse than murder or adultery."

Mulan was quiet and at this point, had dropped her gaze. "But you didn't. And even if you had tried, it wouldn't have been so."

Shang watched her a moment and fell to his own knees, peering into her shamed face. "You have not told me what your real name is. Are you truly Fa Zhou's child?"

She nodded. "His only child. My name is Mulan."

"That's a strange name, for a child." She glared at him a moment, until she realized he was smiling to himself. "An orchid. Clearly your birth brought your father quite a bit of joy, despite your sex."

Mulan blushed a little. "My father has been doting, but I know he longed for a son, too. Heaven knows they tried. It just never happened." She wasn't sure what to say beyond that. But Shang wasn't finished.

"If you were to be discovered I wouldn't have any idea, you understand. I wouldn't be able to stay my hand." She nodded and Shang watched her closely. "Fa Mulan, you are crazy. But you are brilliant. You might have fooled anyone else. I hope you will." Their eyes met, and Shang stared into them without regret for the first time.

When he crossed over to sit beside her he heard her take in a tiny breath. He lifted his hand to brush his fingertips over her cheek, and pushed a few rogue hairs from the skin there. Mulan shivered, opening her almond shaped eyes to blink up into his face. Mulan had never been this close to a man. Let alone one without any sort of shirt on. His trousers were wet from hopping into them from out of the lake, and they brushed her thigh when he leaned in closer, pressing his forehead to hers.

"I feel relieved," He confessed gently. "To know that…this is not unnatural."

"Yes, I understand."

"Mulan," He tasted her name, and could almost smell the delicate flowers when he did. "Mulan, have you felt anything for me at all?"

She'd be a fool to tell him she hadn't. Although she had to admit, a lot of it was right there, in that moment with his eyes and his scent and the heat from his body. She was just too swamped with emotion to respond. And Shang wasn't terribly interested in hearing her response anyway. He cupped her jaw with two fingers as he pressed his lips gently to hers. At first, Mulan was still. But soon instinct guided her to slip her arms around his neck and lean up into the warm, sensual caress of his mouth, her mouth parting and closing around his in a dance that was unlike any other.

And it all flooded over her like rain on a starving field. The way she had watched him as a teacher and as time had progressed, as a friend. The way her heart had sped up whenever he had looked at her with curiosity in his eyes. She simply nodded as she kissed him, and Shang understood her. That was enough.

Slipping from sitting by her, Shang dropped to his arm and guided her to lie back. The towel nearly came open but held firm for the moment, and he tentatively traced his fingers down along the seam, where the slightest line of skin was available to his touch, which burned her worse than any fire could, and she moaned low in her throat. "Shang…"

He grunted at the breathy sound of his name and moved to lie over her. His elbows supported him as he cupped her face gingerly and kissed her lips again. Explored her mouth and let her explore his. Finally he sat up to press kisses down along the column of her throat and to her collar bone, where he nipped the skin gently, making her arch up into him. "Mulan," He whispered, gazing up into her face. "I want this so badly.."

She smiled, gasping for her breath. "But…"

"This could…this has it's consequences," He warned. "I don't want to take this moment from you if you're not prepared to be mine. Completely."

Mulan was suddenly overwhelmed. A few weeks ago the matchmaker had told her she'd never find a husband. Now a captain in the Chinese army was basically telling her that he wanted to get hitched in case she fell pregnant after the war. She wasn't sure she could just sign her life away like that, ironic as the thought was. But she knew that in the moment, she didn't think she'd survive ending the night there.

So she did the only thing she could really think to do. She pulled him back over her for a deep, hard kiss. Their teeth clinked she was so insistent, and Shang moaned with his desire. His large, calloused hands peeled the cover from her body and he broke the kiss to press small, swift kisses all over her, from her shoulders to the deepest place she knew existed in her.

Writhing with her need, she sat up as his fingers probed her womanhood, seeking any secrets it held. She had been determined to undress him completely, and his attention to her damp nub made her moan loudly and fall back again. Shang quickly covered her mouth with his, and shimmied out of his damp pants before he lay his body down over hers. For a moment he distracted her with slow, burning kisses and with his hands caressing her breasts. Causing delicious shivers in her that he hoped would distract her from the pain that he was going to cause her.

There was no need for warnings. They both knew what was coming, although, his attempts to distract and sooth her were working. Shang dropped one hand to adjust himself so he could slip in as smoothly as possible. And with his mouth on hers and as much loving care as he could think to show her past his own painful needs, he thrust past her innocence in a single movement. Beneath him her eyes shot wide open and she gave a cry that was muffled by his mouth, but she didn't fight against him.

After a moment of stillness, he pulled his head back to look at her. He had punched and kicked her, but had never felt more remorseful for causing her pain. "I know, I'm so sorry." He nuzzled into her neck. "Buck up, soldier. It'll go away." Another kiss to her lips and she was enchanted by the moment once again, wrapping her arms around him and giving into his own savage needs.

When he was sure she was okay, Shang thrust forward again. Slowly at first, but building up to an instinctual rhythm. Every time he moved inside of her his body was overcome with pleasure, and it only took a moment before he was gasping against the damp skin of her cheek. Mulan knew he wasn't going to last, and she stroked some sweaty hair from his face, her own expression serene. The pain was there, but it was dull, and the thrill of the moment was back. Shang bent his head to nibble her neck and she groaned, arching her body into his and murmuring his name.

And hearing her praise him sent him over, shuddering against her body with a few more thrusts as he spilled his seed into her. Mulan was very still, and pressed tender little kisses to his face as he came down from orgasm. They lie in one another's arms for a moment before he sat up a little to kiss her forehead. "I'm so glad you're not a man."

She laughed at that and looked up at him with tired eyes. "I'm so glad you didn't cut my head off." Shang smiled softly and gently withdrew from her before he moved away. Mulan quickly grabbed at her towel, which was stained red where she lad been lying on it. "I really need to go get that bath I was going to take." Especially now.

He nodded and pulled his pants on. "I'll come with you."

"Shang…"

"Hey, I probably need it more than you at this point. I did all the work."

Mulan had enough presence of mind to smack his arm before she dashed out to the lake, quickly followed by her lover, where they cleaned up and consummated their attraction to one another once again before retiring to their separate tents for the night, exhausted.