So I saw this on the x-files and thought 'this has to be made into a fic, it's too hilarious.'

WARNING: Prepare for insanity and lots of it.

I need to stop writing new fics and update my old ones! Send me a message of a fic you want updating :)

And thank you to my lovely boyfriend for Agent Romanoff's behaviour :)

Disclaimer: Agent Mulder, Tony Stark, Captain America, Thor's biceps. DROOL. No seriously, I don't own them.

Yet.

PLEASE REVIEW.

(Also, the tagline for the Avenger movie - SO FREAKING EXCITED - is 'Some Assembly Required' hence the title)

There are not enough words in the English language to accurately describe the carnage Nick Fury was faced with when he entered the Avenger's base.

Pandemonium.

WHAT. THE. DUCK.

Except of course Nick Fury did not say 'what the duck' because he wasn't ashamed of using fowl language now and again, he said something ruder which would have made both Pepper and Betty hurl cushions at his head, or whatever they had in their hands at that time if a cushion wasn't available, which in Pepper's case was usually her phone.

For perhaps the first time in his life, Fury did not have the first idea what to do or how to go about doing it.

Somehow, god only knows how, Steven Rogers, aka- Captain America, the first Avenger, a law abiding citizen who knew the difference between right and wrong had gotten hold of a foam dart gun and was engaged in a battle with James Logan and Bruce Banner while stripped down to his boxers and covered in what appeared to be strawberry sauce. Logan and Bruce were dressed in similar attire and Bruce had written 'HULK SMASH' in strawberry sauce across his chest.

Fury ducked as a foam dart gun whizzed past his ear and turned his attention away from people he used to be able to take seriously to the other side of the room, where more chaos was ensuing.

Tony Stark and Thor of all people were currently building a fort made out of chairs and cushions and were giggling like 6 year olds on sugar while at the same time attempting to have a squirty cream war in which they were firing squirty cream at each other and getting it everywhere. There was cream on the floor, on and in the fort, in their hair, on their faces, down their clothes or… lack… thereof… They were both naked. Both of them. Fury covered his eyes out of embarrassment for them and, peaking out through his fingers, realised that all they had covering their privates was cream and lots of it.

Fury quickly turned away from Tony and Thor's cream/fort building antics and nearly had a heart attack when he realised that his number one agent, his trustworthy, respectable and determined number one agent, was running around the room in her uniform, grabbing all of the plant pots and hiding them behind the sofa whispering to them 'it's okay, you're safe now.'

And no, that wasn't all. Agent Coulson and Clint Barton were playing Tennis with what appeared to be a can of beans and were getting frustrated when it only flew a few feet before dropping to the ground with a loud thud.

'Oh… my god…' came a shocked voice from behind him.

Fury turned round to see Pepper Potts stood there, mouth agape, looking shocked. 'What… how… why… is Natasha protecting plant pots?'

'I don't know… I don't know… I don't know… Yes, yes she is.'

'PEPPER!' Tony squealed, face lighting up when he saw her at the end of the room.

'Uh…oh…' Pepper said quietly, and before she could stop him Tony came bounding across the room, cream flying everywhere, picked her up and gave her a massive hug.

'Tony, put me down, now,' Pepper said to him, as she would a child who had done something wrong.

Tony pouted and put her back on the floor, literally, he laid her down on the floor. Pepper stood up and wiped cream off herself. 'Tony,' she said seriously. 'Why are you naked and covered in cream?'

'I love you,' Tony said grinning like a loon.

'I love you too, but that doesn't explain why…' but before she could finish Tony had grabbed hold of either side of her face and given her a passionate twirly-tongue cream covered kiss.

When he pulled away after what seemed like forever to poor Pepper, her face and her clothes were covered in cream. Tony on the other hand seemed to have lost most of the cream right where he really needed it.

'I NEVER GET KISSED BY PEPPER!' Coulson yelled from the other side of the room.

Natasha, sensing that her plant pots were being threatened, ducked down behind the sofa and hid them and herself with a blanket.

'THE FORT IS COLLAPSING!' Thor shouted sounding panicked.

'NOOOOOOO!' Tony yelled and ran back to help save their fort, now pretty much stark (if you'll pardon the pun) naked.

'Haha Tony's naked!' Bruce yelled.

Pepper decided that action needed to be taken, and quickly. She stormed over to Natasha and ripped the blanket off her and her plant pots, making her squeak. Storming over to Tony she grabbed his arm and forcefully wrapped the blanket round his middle then forced him down into a chair and sat on him to prevent him from moving anywhere. Tony responded by wrapping his arms round her waist and placing kisses down her spine, the seriousness of the situation lost on him.

Fury had managed to recover some of his leadership skills and took this Pepper-vention to yell 'SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON. NOW.'

There was silence, immediate silence. Apart from the sound of the can of beans falling to the floor and Natasha's whispers to the plant pots about not letting the scary red-head eat them.

'I'm waiting?' Fury said, tapping his foot slowly and threateningly, which was impressive considering foot-tapping isn't usually considered as being something scary.

'Steve started it!' Clint yelled.

'Did not!' Steve yelled back.

'I am not interested in who started it,' Fury said. 'I want to know what in the name of all that is holy possessed you to do it?'

Still silence and the awkward shuffling of feet.

'I see,' Fury said, clearly not seeing at all.

'What the...' Betty Ross had entered the room and was staring around at the chaos. She looked over at Pepper, who was trying to stop Tony kissing her, and caught her eye. Pepper shrugged helplessly and Natasha formed a circle with her arms around her precious pots.

'We need to fix this,' Fury said. 'It must be something they drank, or inhaled or ate.'

'To be honest, this is normal Hyper Tony behaviour,' Pepper said dryly. 'If it wasn't for Thor doing it too I probably wouldn't have noticed anything was wrong.'

At the sound of his name, Thor dived into his fort and hid himself under cushions.

'Agent Coulson,' Fury said, turning his attention to his right hand man who was currently looking like a scolded child. 'What have you all eaten?'

Coulson shrugged and shuffled his feet. 'Tony and Steve bought pizza,' he said.

Fury turned his attention to Captain America, who was still covered in sauce. 'Where did you buy the pizza from?' he asked.

'The pizza delivery store on 34th Street,' Steve said.

'Did it taste odd in anyway?'

Steve looked at him like he'd grown two heads. 'Everything tastes odd now!'

Fury turned to Bruce. 'Bruce, did you think the pizza tasted odd?'

'Not really,' Bruce said, liking some of the sauce off his arm.

'It must be the pizza,' Betty said, still shocked by the chaos the Avengers had created.

'Did you all eat it?' Fury asked. There were nods from around the group. 'Is there any left?'

Eight fingers pointed towards a pizza box left abandoned on a table.

'I'll get it down to the lab,' Betty said.

'I'll come with you,' Pepper said getting off Tony's lap.

'No don't go,' Tony said, pouting and looking sad.

'I'll be right back,' Pepper said, squeezing his hand. 'Until I am... Don't do anything stupid and please put some clothes on.'

'That's not what you were saying last night,' Tony muttered.

Thor raised an eyebrow and Pepper went pink.

To be continued...

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