Forgiveness & Love

Disclaimer:
I own nothing as always.

Rating:
T (for language)

Genre:
Romance/Angst

Pairing:
Esposito/Ryan

Author's Note:
This is my first Javin fic, so, please be kind. And, this story takes place after "Knockout" but does not factor in Beckett's shooting or the funeral or any of that. It focuses solely on Javier & Kevin after the fight. Sorry to all my fellow Caskett fans, but, after I saw the fight clip on YouTube (as I had forgotten all about it after the funeral/shooting), I had to explore this pairing a little more and I'm not really good at writing more than one pairing in one fic. Sorry. :( And, you should also know that this story is written in Esposito's POV.

Lyrics Used:
Miley Cyrus "Forgiveness & Love"

The only thing real
When push comes to shove
Are the acts of forgiveness & love

What the hell was I thinking? I know Kevin! He's my fucking partner, for Christ's sake! I've always trusted him in the past! Hell, I've trusted him with my life! More than once! I don't know why I didn't trust him, this time! I paused for a moment before deciding to be honest with myself. Yes, I do. I know exactly why I didn't believe him. I didn't want to! I knew that was true. I owed a lot to Montgomery. Hell, the man was like a father to me-to all of us!

Then, the rest of the events following Kevin's news hit me. They hit me like a sucker punch to the gut, knocking the wind out of me.

"Hey!" I turned to see my partner running up to me, slightly out of breath. "You know it's him. Montgomery's the third cop. He's the one who altered those records." The thought of Montgomery being involved in any murder-let alone Beckett's mother's murder-made me sick. I just couldn't accept it.

"How can you say that? How could you even think it?" I yelled. "Montgomery brought us on on homicide! What do we got? A picture?"

"Think about it! Why else...did he want us to take Lockwood out? Because Lockwood leads us to him!" I know Kevin's right. "He's been lyin' to us! He's been lyin' to us the whole time!" I can't take it! This is just too much. I shake my head and turn to leave when Kevin yells "Hey!" The moment I feel his hand on my shoulder...I just...snapped. I lost it.

I whipped around and before I register what's happening, I feel my fist collide with Kevin's face. The next thing I know, he's wrapping his arms around my waist and I throw him against the wall. I feel a gutteral and disturbingly animalistic growl rip from my throat as I pin Kevin against the wall, raising my fist again. "Go ahead, go ahead!" Ryan yells, instigating me to hit him again.

Then, the full reality of what I've just done hits me. I hit Ryan. I hit my own partner. I hit the man I love. No, I may not have ever said anything-hell, why would I?-for fear of ruining a good partnership and an even better friendship. Although, looking back I have to wonder if confessing my feelings for Kevin would really do all that damage. I remember the look of fear in his eyes after I pinned him. I knew, in that moment, that I had hurt him. I don't just mean physically. I had hurt him emotionally as well.

The realization that I had hurt Kevin killed me, inside. I hate myself, right now, and highly doubt that I will ever forgive myself for what I have done. Then, I feel a familiar hand-a hand I'd know anywhere, as creepy as that sounds-on my shoulder.

"Thought I might find ya here." Kevin says, trying to sound casual-as if nothing had happened. If only. Turning to look him in the eye, I see the shiner left behind by my fist. Seeing that, I turn away. I can't look him in the eye. Not after all that's happened.

"I'm sorry." My voice is small and weak, shaking even. It's all just too much. Captain Montgomery. Beckett's mother's murder case. And, now, fighting with Kevin. It's just too much.

I can hear the barstool creak as Kevin sits down next to me. The next thing I know, his hand is guiding my face to look him in the eye. "It's okay, Javier." My breath hitches in my throat. He's never called me that, before. I've always been "Esposito" to him. Why now? What's going on? Before I can ask my multitude of questions, Kevin's next statement shocks me. "I forgive you." Did he say what I think he just said? Why would he forgive me for that?

I finally find my voice again, albeit still small and shakey. "Why?" I know it's not clever or eloquent, but, it's all I can think of at the moment. I cock my head to side as I watch Kevin flash his signature smirk and laugh.

"Are you serious?" He asks me. He must have taken my blank stare as a cue to continue. "Javier, you're my partner. That will never change." I can't believe what I'm hearing. But, I remain silent, allowing him to go on. "Besides..." His voice is suddenly nervous. "Look, I know I've never said anything about this but...There's something I've always wanted to tell you but I've always been too scared..." He adds, looking down. Is he trying to say what I think he's trying to say? My chest feels like it's about to explode.

When Kevin falls silent, I tentatively reach for his hand lying on the counter, taking it into my own, as I use my free hand to guide his face to look me in the eye. "What is it?" I ask, softly, locking eyes with him.

"I-" He starts before stopping, apparently at a loss for words. "Javier, I...well, I think I..." I don't know if the booze is getting the best of me or I just can't stand to see Kevin struggling like this-I like to think it's the latter-but, I throw caution to the wind as I slowly lean into him. My lips make a tentative connection, waiting for some sign of rejection or disgust.

I feel Kevin tense for a moment before relaxing into the contact and-before I know it-he's kissing me back! Kevin's kissing me! God, it feels so good. The first few were careful and closed mouth. Finally, I gathered the courage to nibble his bottom lip. I smiled against his mouth as my tongue slides into his mouth while his hands wrap aroud my neck and waist, pulling both of us off of our barstools and flush against each other.

We pull apart when the need for oxygen becomes too great to ignore. For a moment, we stare at each other silently. Finally, I break the silence. "So...you wanted to tell me somethin'?" I asked, smirking at Kevin.

Kevin smiled as well, cupping my face in his hand. "Javier, I think I may have fallen in love with you." It's all I can do to resist the urge to pinch myself. I've dreamed of this moment millions-possibly billions-of times over, but, I never imagined it would actually come to pass.

Then, I reach my own hand up to Kevin's face, gently stroking where my fist collided with his eye. "I have always loved you, Kev." I smiled as I pulled Kevin in, wrapping my arms around him, holding him close. My heart swells when I feel Kevin bury his face in my neck, holding me close as well. "And, I meant what I said, before, Kevin." My voice drops to an almost whisper. "I really am sorry."

Kevin continued to hold onto me as he whispered into my neck "I know, Javi. I know." And, I know he means it. He's always understood me even when I don't understand myself. That's when I pull back just far enough look him in the eye while my arms remain loosely wrapped around his waist.

"Listen to me, Kev." I began, never breaking eye contact. "I swear to you...I will never hurt you again. You have my word." My voice remained firm and steady, showing Kevin that I was sincere in my vow. He smiles as he nods his head, slightly.

"I know, Javier." He replied. "I know you won't." Then, he smirked cheekily. "It's one of the things I love most about you." I pulled Kevin in for another tender embrace. I know everything has changed. But, for now I'm content with making one solemn vow to myself. I swear this to you, Kevin Ryan. I will sooner die than allow anyone-myself included-to hurt you ever again!

'Cause in the end
No one losses or wins
The story begins again and again
With forgiveness and love