To Look Without Seeing

A/N: So basically I wanted to write about blind Roy because I loveangsty Roy… come on, you love it too, right…?

Ed: Yes! I love it when he's in pain.
Me: Oh really…
Roy: Suuure.
Ed: It's true, you fuckers!
Me: Ed, that's the same as you'd say: 'dolphins are not fish'! It won't be true, no matter how much you say it!
Roy…
Ed: … It's your turn, Mustang.
Roy: Guess so. Look, dolphins are mammals.
Me: …oh.
Ed: -_-
Roy: …..
Me: Whatever! You got my point! *grabs a megaphone* Attention everyone… Ed loves Roy!
Ed: HUUUH? I do not! Why would you… I mean! Holy shit, that's… bullshit!
Me: You know, you sound awfully defensive…
Roy: *smirks* That's true.
Ed: I'm never talking to you again! You two are fucking idiots; I fucking hate you, especially you, Mustang! *storms away*
Roy: Wanna bet he's gonna come back and pretend he doesn't love me until someone points out he does and he gets pissed because we all know it's true…?
Me: You're kidding, right? Why would I bet on that when we both know it's going to happen as it has happened every time? Let's bet on something else… Dolphins are fish!
Roy: …Alright, I'm on!

Everything was so… dark. Yes, exactly. Only that darkness, nothing more.
It was strange. Only a few days and Roy's other senses had already became stronger. Now, he would hear perfectly if a needle would fall into the floor. He could smell and taste and feel anything better… but what did it matter? He wanted to see.

Obviously it wasn't enough that he had always been weak when it rained… now he was weak all the time. Would he always be weak like that? Not being able to even walk on the streets on his own because he had no idea where the street was! What if… what if the rest of Roy's life would be like that? Living in that darkness, always having to depend on others… Fear caught a grip of Roy's heart. It felt like an iron fist. He didn't want to live a life like that…

Would he ever get used to it?

Roy had stuff to do! Things he needed to achieve! He had built his whole life, his everything on becoming the Fuhrer… but how could someone ruling the country be blind? It sounded like a joke. It was a joke. Everything Roy had worked for… was now flushed out of the toilet. He was nothing. Some blind man… He just wanted to see, was it too much to ask?

Roy tried. He focused as hard he could… There had to be somethingin that darkness… anything… Roy blinked and blinked and blinked but no – it didn't change. Still, nothing but darkness. Roy buried his face in his palms. He was feeling so… frustrated! And desperate… and weak. He hated feeling like that.

Suddenly someone touched Roy's hair a bit. Roy lifted his head, even though it was no use, he still couldn't see who it was. How come he hadn't heard anyone coming in…? Had he been so focused on being pathetic? Perhaps… Warm fingers caressed his face, moving from his forehead to his eyelids, his cheeks, his chin… The touch felt somehow very relaxing, as if it was washing away all Roy's misery. But the thing which bothered Roy was…

"Who are you?"
Yes, he couldn't tell, feeling horrible. Of course he was someone who knew him quite well… and yet, Roy still couldn't recognize them. The person didn't answer, just continuing to caress Roy's face.
Roy felt the scent of them, it was so familiar… but he couldn't tell who it was because the touch was so new to him. No one had ever touched Roy like that, carefully, yet somehow… insecurely.

Roy reached out his hand, pulling the person closer. Shampoo… soap… leather… oil… Suddenly Roy recognized it, wondering why it had taken so long for him to figure it out.
Fullmetal? Why the hell would Fullmetal touch him like that? It couldn't be… but who else would have the exact same scent as him? Just to be sure, Roy lifted his hand, feeling his face. Soft skin… sharp chin… high cheekbones… long, thick hair… Roy touched the lips. Chapped. A quiet gasp escaped between them. It was obvious now.

"Fullmetal?"
For a moment there was a freezing silence. Roy felt how the skin under his palm suddenly felt hotter.
Roy put his hand down, realizing he had just touched quite intimately his face… But he was blind now. And Ed… had started it. And since when had Roy thought about his subordinate by his first name?
"Um… I…"
"Why did you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Why did you touch my face?"

Ed didn't say anything for a while. "I just… you looked so… tired."
Tired? Well, that was a way to put it… Exhausted was maybe a better word to describe how Roy was feeling at the moment.
"Well, you got that right, I am tired. So fucking tired."
So tired that Roy couldn't even pretend to be a bastard whose best joy in the world was making fun of Ed. Well, making fun of Ed had always been pleasurable… But not anymore. It didn't matter, nothing really did. It was a sale. And his dreams had the lowest prices since he couldn't use them anymore.

"Sorry," Ed whispered. Roy sighed.
"You don't need to feel sorry for me…"
"I do. 'Cause it's my entire fault…"

Roy's eyebrows knit together. "What are you talking about?"
"Oh come on! Don't say you've never blamed me for this!"
Roy shook his head. "I haven't. There's no one to blame. Sometimes… things like this just happen. The only thing you can do is to accept them."
Ed was quiet and oh how Roy wished he could just see his expression… He no longer felt that he was in control over Ed. It irritated him. He wanted to be one step ahead, as he had always been. But not anymore. Somehow he didn't want Ed to see him like that, defenselessness, helpless, useless…

"I'll make sure you'll get your sight back."
Roy didn't understand at all the whole conversation. He didn't understand why Ed had touched him, why Ed was saying all those kind of things which just didn't make any sense.
"I don't think it's going to happen… besides, why would you want to help me?"
"You idiot! Of course I wanna help you!"
Roy leaned back, feeling a bit shocked from Ed's outburst.

"Why…?"
"Well… without you, I could still be trapped on a wheelchair. And Al could be trapped in that damn armor."
"Huh? I didn't make you automail leg; I didn't make you walk, did I? And I sure didn't help Al get his body back."
"Yes you did! Remember the first time we met? I was a fucking zombie! I couldn't do anything, eat, sleep, nothing! I just wanted to die but even that felt so fucking pointless to try! And then you came and gave me a chance to fix all that shit. You pushed me out of that wheelchair. You made me wanna go on, stand up again. Without you I could be on that wheelchair, I could be already dead. And if you hadn't pushed me up, who else would've gotten Al's body back? No one. So here it is. It's all thanks to you."

For a while Roy was completely speechless. He had never thought that he had effected the Elric brothers lives so much… but then finally, irritation took control.
"You don't owe me anything! So forget it."
"You think I'd do it because I think I owe you? Fuck off!"
"I don't see why else you would do it!"
"Because I care!"

The silence fell quickly after those words. No, you don't. You're Fullmetal. You hate me, remember? All you think you feel, care for me… it's nothing but pity. And I hate pity. So don't bother.
That's what he wanted to say. But he didn't.

"Whatever you might think… I'm gonna do it."
Ed walked out and Roy wondered how it was possible for him not to have heard as Ed had arrived…
He just wanted to be all alone. In that darkness of his.

It took only a while for Roy to realize that there was only one thing left he wanted to do: sleep.
In that way, he could actually see. See Ed's insecure expression as he was caressing his face, studying him.
Roy wanted to see. But he couldn't. So he had to sleep and just sleep the days away. Dream about seeing Ed's expression… insecurity… something… what was it? Roy never managed to figure out because he always woke up before he could.

Roy was trying to learn to read Braille. But he got frustrated and gave up. It didn't help that Riza was pointing her gun at him, saying in the best threading voice of hers: "It's for your best, sir."
But Roy just pushed her away, hating how he could so easily sense the helplessness in her. She didn't know what to do with him. It was a proof that nothing would ever be the same. Riza had always managed to make Roy do all kinds of annoying things which he needed to do. But not anymore. Because Roy was so helpless, she was helpless too. What did it matter if he could read or if he wouldn't? It didn't. His life was over.

Now he just wanted to be left alone… but obviously that was too much to ask because the door was kicked open. Roy gnashed his teeth when he heard footsteps, one heavier than another, heavy breathing and smelled leather and oil.
"What a pleasant surprise," Roy muttered. Ed groaned.
"Save it. I heard that you're being pathetic here."
Roy snorted. "I'm flattered how you're so interested…"
Ed sighed and sat down next to Roy. "Come on… try." He handed the paper to Roy who pushed his hand away. "What's the point? I won't learn."

"No one learns anything without even trying! Come on, for fuck's sake! You had to learn how to use your alchemy, right? You had to learn all kinds of things about military before you managed to become a colonel… so give me one damn reason why you couldn't learn this."
"Those things aren't comparative. Back then I used to SEE! No I don't and that sure makes a difference!"
"It doesn't. Look, Roy, even if you are blind now, it doesn't mean your whole personality has changed. You still are ambitious and hard-working. You just cover it all behind your pointless complaining."
Since when had Ed started to call him by his first name? That had got to be the first time.
"I'm not… I'm not the same. I'll never be the same again…"
No, he wouldn't. Roy Mustang wasn't that person who couldn't even put his shirt on without struggling. He was nothing. Nothing but a waste of space.

Suddenly Roy felt something coming to his face. Roy grabbed Ed's hand, stopping his punch.
"See, you're not totally helpless?"
"Just let it be, Ed…"
"You think I'll just watch when you're giving up everything?"
Roy sighed, massaging his forehead. He was getting a headache just from having to hear Ed's voice. Ed pushed his hands away and started to do the massaging for Roy with his own hand. The touch felt good, strange and relaxing… It felt good to be touched even though Roy knewthat Ed wouldn't touch him if he wasn't blind…

Ed's hands moved from his forehead to his shoulders, making all the tenseness disappear.
"Look… I'm gonna help you with this, get it? But you need to let me help you."
Roy nodded. "Fine." Somehow he didn't understand why Ed of all people was helping him… why Roy was accepting his offer. Maybe Roy really hated looking completely weak in front of him.

After learning to read Braille, Roy got his hands on every single book which was written about alchemy, made into Braille. There had to be something… he had got to have some way to see again. He hadn't always been blind and he damn sure didn't want to be. Somehow… Ed's determination had caught into Roy. He had been so… absolute about getting his sight back. Roy found himself believing in Ed. After all, it seemed like anythingwas possible for Edward Elric. It would be easy to let the rest of his life lie on Ed's hands but… Roy wanted to do something. At least by exploring and reading he felt himself useful.

The door was opened and Roy raised his head. It was a habit that wasn't coming off, it was a reflex, to raise his head so that he could see the person coming in… forgetting for that tiny little moment that he couldn't see. It took a while to realize that the person wasn't Ed. If it was, his other foot would've sounded heavier and Roy would've scented his specific scent.
"Good morning, Colonel."
It was Falman. Even though Roy had already figured that the person wasn't Ed, he was somehow really disappointed. Where was he? He hadn't been around for a while…

"Morning… Have you seen Fullmetal lately?"
Falman handed Roy a cup of hot coffee and Roy thanked him, taking a sip.
"Last time I saw him, he was in the library. Had fallen asleep there."
Roy raised his eyebrows. "Oh? Did you see what he was reading?"
Was Ed still working his ass off? But for what? He had finished his number one goal, right? Was there more? Or was it more about habits dying hard? Maybe Ed couldn't bring himself to just sit around, doing nothing… Well, Roy could understand that perfectly well. After all, he was exactly the same.

"I believe he was reading about human anatomy… especially about eyes."
No… Ed wasn't… though he had said that he would do it, get Roy's sight back. But how did Ed think he was able to do it now that he didn't even have alchemy to use? Well, Roy was sure that in the whole world, there wouldn't be anythingEd was incapable of doing but… he just… didn't want him to get hurt because of Roy.

What was it? Why was he suddenly feeling so anxious? He knew that Ed would go out of his way to do something like that. If something would happen to him because of Roy… Roy wouldn't forgive himself.

Roy had that same dream again. The one where he was just about to see the expression on Ed's face. But this time, he didn't wake up by himself. "Get up already, you lazy bastard!"
Ed…? Roy got up and hated when he remembered yet again that even with his eyes shut, he couldn't see. Only those slightly dancing shadows… "Where have you been," Roy asked and noticed the relief in his voice. Why did it felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders as soon as he had heard Ed's voice? Why was he completely calm now that he was back? "Did you miss me," Ed asked in a teasing voice which somehow made Roy confused. Had Roy missed him…? Yes, the answer was obvious and somehow it frightened him. Why was he suddenly so attached to Ed?

He had always been but… it was different now. Something had changed. "Yes, at least one of us did." Roy was shocked himself too. When had he told the truth so quickly to anyone? No hesitation, just… the truth. "I missed you too…" The tone of Ed's voice had changed and Roy felt the touch which was now familiar. What did it mean? The fact that only a touch from Ed and all kinds of feelings started to stir in Roy. Only one touch and Roy's worries were washed away. "But I had to do something. I found out that Dr. Marcoh has the Philosopher's Stone. I asked him to give it to you."

Roy swallowed. "What did he say?" Of course he had refused… Roy would not get his sight back. He wasn't so lucky. "He said: 'I will, if he promises to become the Fuhrer and stop the discrimination against Isbals.' And I said: 'When he's going to be the Fuhrer, there will be no wars.' And… he gave it to me."
"He did? Really?" Roy tried not to get enthusiastic since he knew how that would end. But he couldn't help it. "Yeah. I have it with me now; you're going to get your sight back." Before Roy could even think, Ed told him to stay still and then Roy felt a weird sensation on his eyes. "Now. It's all done."

Roy breathed in. What if… What if he wouldn't see after all? What if it didn't work for some reason? Roy swallowed. Here goes nothing… He opened his eyes and blinked them because of the bright lights. And then… he saw Ed. Standing beside him, with concern in his amber eyes, his golden hair down, framing his face. God, he was beautiful. Had he always been? Roy wasn't sure. That was the first time he noticed it. "You can see, right…?" Roy nodded. "Yes." Ed turned his gaze away and suddenly Roy felt anxiousness. As if Ed was leaving him all alone by only looking away from him. What if they would go back to what they used to be before? Roy didn't want it at all!

He had no idea why he suddenly felt that panic rushing through him. And suddenly he knew what to do. He put his hands on Ed's cheeks. "Um," Ed said, staring down, his hair covering his face. "Look at me," Roy said quietly, almost whispering. And after hesitation, Ed did. And finally Roy saw what he had tried to see in his dreams. He saw it so clearly in Ed's honest eyes that he had to wonder if he had really been so blind for not seeing it before.
"How long…?" How long had Ed looked at him like that? How long had it taken for him to realize it?
"I don't know, a while." Before the accident, Roy was sure. So he had been blind even back when he had had his eye sight. Blind for not realizing Ed's feelings towards him.

When Roy looked at his face more carefully, he saw the signs of sleepless nights. "What did it take you to find Marcoh?"
"I travelled to Xing." To Xing? What was he thinking? Why would he do such thing? And most importantly: why hadn't he told Roy? "But it was worth it, wasn't it?" Worth it? Sure, Roy had gotten his sight back but…
"Why didn't you tell me? What if something had happened to you? I hate it when you're being so selfish and reckless like that!" There was a bit of confuse in Ed's eye until it melted into anger. "Selfish? I just travelled for days just so you could get your sight back! So now we're back to hating each other? Fine by me, it didn't mean anythingat all, nothing did!" Ed was trying to struggle free from Roy's grip but Roy held on tight.

"No, that's not what I meant! I hate what you did because something could've happened! What if I had lost you?"
Roy took in a breath. What was he saying? What was it about Ed? Since when had he dared to say his thoughts, his feelings aloud like that, not even taking a tiny little moment to consider what he was about to say…? Since now. Now that he knew.

"But you got your sight back, that's the most important thing, right…?"
Roy sighed and pulled Ed in for a hug. "That's what I thought too… But I would be happy, being blind, deaf and mute, if only I would know that you were alright. You mean so much more to me than whether I can see or not. I realized that… even if I'm at my weakest, somehow, you still make me feel strong."
Roy pushed Ed gently away so that he could see his face. Roy brushed the hair away from his face and smiled softly at his confused expression. "You mean so much… and after finding out how much you mean, of course I don't want to lose you."

Roy's chest hurt so much when he saw that miserable expression on Ed's face. "You say that all stuff now… but soon we'll be just like before, right?" Just like before…? That was exactly the same thing Roy had been afraid of just a moment ago. He didn't want to be without Ed because the thought felt as terrifying as not being able to see nothing but that darkness. He didn't want it… But if Ed did, then there wasn't anything he could do, was there…? No, Roy wouldn't give up so easily, not this time.

"Do you really want that? Because I know I don't." Ed glanced up at him, with bits of hope glimmering in his eyes. "You mean it? I mean, you don't own anything to me, you don't have to do favors or anything!"
Roy shook his head, smiling and rested his forehead against Ed's own. "Sometimes even a genius like you can be such a fool…" The annoyed look on Ed's face told that he was about to groan at Roy, he opened his mouth but didn't have the time to say anything when Roy kissed him.

And Roy knew that for the first time in a long time, he could truly be able to see. After all those days he had been blinded… but now he saw it all, perfectly well. Not just with his eyes but with his heart too. And the one Roy could thank was Ed, the one who had finally opened his eyes. It was obvious that Roy didn't have any intensions of letting him go, not now, not ever again.