Rating upped because of Ralph. Damn the guy.

Oh, and an update to tell you guys that I'm not completely dead.

Initially a humorous oneshot, with some mild seriousness if you squint. Still a humor oneshot though.

I must warn you, this is mildly cracky.

..

Flash Bygones

..

In the Ears of the Beholder

...

It wasn't possible.

It just wasn'tpossible.

Wally scrubbed at his eyes frantically to make sure it wasn't all a dream. Then he scrubbed at them again. And again. Did he mention again?

No. No no no no no.

This couldn'tbe true. It had to be some sort of sick, disgusting joke. Any second now, Dick Grayson (the jerk. He still owed Wally fifty quadruple-deckered-ham-with-fries-and-chocolate-syrup-cheeseburgers from last week's drinking competition) would leap out from whatever hole he was hiding in, flick his carefully slicked hair back and smirk, telling Wally he'd just got 'punked'. Then, Wally would laugh outwardly while secretly planning the other's imminent doom involving some form of humiliation via tight leotards and frilly French maid outfits.

The seconds trickled by.

Dammit.

Anything was better than this. Anything.God, Wally would rather shave his head baldand dress up as Luthor while surprise waking up Supermanthan accept the spectacle in front of him as real. Heck, he would ratherfrench-kissClayface'sassho- okay, maybe not that, but that was the only exception.

But no. No nonono no!The image in front of Wally was the truth, and nothing but the truth. The image would remain burned into his retinas until his dying day, replaying over and over in his mind just like that time when he had walked in on Ralph the Elongated Man experimenting on thatpart of the male anatomy-

Wally quickly massaged his temples a couple hundred times at super speed to rid himself of the image. Dammit, he thought he had buried that memory far into the recesses of his mind, along with the one where Batman-

Anyways.

Wally took a step backward. Then another. With some mild trepidation, the scarlet speedster realised that his legs were vibrating almost out of his control- something that only happened whenever Wally felt something like fear.

The blank eyes stared back at him.

No.

...

A loud wail echoed throughout the Watchtower, emanating across the titanium hallways and into the cafeteria. It was no normal wail- no, it wasn't a I'm-gonna-kill-you wail, or even a Oh-my-GOD-you-got-my-daughter-pregnant wail, no, it was a heart-wrenching, stomach aching wail filled with all the trials and tribulations of several universes combined.

Superman spat out the apple pie that had made the unfortunate mistake of getting into his mouth. Simultaneously, a cup exploded inside Shayera's hand, showering said hand with boiling coffee and shards of china. This prompted several Thanagarian curse words that may or may not be threatening the life expectancy of a certain speedster, but Superman wasn't sure. Superman was neversure in matters concerning the Flash.

Several metas who were also inside the cafeteria looked up, alarmed, at the scream, and looked even more so at the reactions of two of the League's founders. Or maybe it was because Shayera had karate chopped two tables in half out of frustrated pain before flying off to run her hand under cold water. Either way, it was up to the Man of Steel to calm the confused metas before something worse happened.

Something worse happened.

That somethingcame in the form of a scarlet blur, knocking Stargirl and the Atom to the ground, along with several trays of cutlery. Superman noticed with some disbelief that the food inside the cafeteria was now disappearing at a dramatic rate- and then something knocked into his chest.

"OhmygodSupes-" (munch munch) "-yougottahelpmeyouwon'tbelievewhatjusthapppeenneed-"

Superman carefully detached the speedster's hands from his self, and cast a hopefully reassuring look around at the other metas. Then, internally sighing, he turned back to the hysterical red clad man, who was now finishing off an apple pie. What the-? Oh, never mind, he'll deal with his favourite snack later and the more pressing issues now. Issues involving one particular, sobbing speedster. "Flash, slowdown.I need you to tell me- slowly- what the problem is."

"It better be important," growled an irate Shayera, who had just returned and was brandishing a slightly burnt fist at the speedster's head.

Flash zipped back a relatively safe distance away from the irritated Thanagarian. Superman supposed that the speedster wanted to keep his head mace-free at the moment. Flash took a deep breath. "Something badhappened. Reallybad."

"Well, no shit," snapped Shayera. "I swear, if you'd tried to prank Batman again-"

"Flash," Superman interrupted, rubbing his forehead wearily. "What happened?"

Flash turned around and stared at the Man of Steel dead in the eye. Superman felt an unsettling feeling unfurl inside his stomach, something which only occurred when something truly bad was going to happen. With any luck, the League's resident speedster was simply blowing things wayout of proportion as he usually did, and wasn't going to say anything stupid that would send the League into complete disarray.

Flash opened his mouth.

"Speedy is dead."

The cafeteria erupted into chaos.

...

Somewhere, deep within the Watchtower, Green Arrow felt a chill run up his spine. He released his arrow a moment too early and watched, with some mild confusion, as it thudded a centimetre off the bulls eye.

Black Canary, who was watching him, laughed unkindly.

Green Arrow had a feeling that this was going to be a very bad day.

...

Wally was confused. This wasn't exactly a new thing, seeing as Wally always got confused whenever John goes all military lingo on him or when Bats says more than four words to him. (Well, how could they expect him to actually understand what they were saying? For all he knew, they could be cursing at him in their own private language.) However, this was on a whole new level of confusion- past the J'onn-can-you-repeat-that confusion to there's-a-unicorn-in-my-room-and-I-don't-know-why confusion.

After all, why was Shayera dragging him by the scruff of the neck towards an empty broom closet? Normally, Wally would welcome this sort of activity by an attractive woman, but the current situation was anything but normal.

"Um," Wally said nervously as Shayera single-handedly tossed him in before closing the door behind them. "Shayera...I don't know how to say this..."

"Spit it out," Shayera said. "What's this about Speedy being dead?"

Wally noticed that her wings were twitching agitatedly- never a good sign. Regardless, he bravely ploughed on. "I kinda think of you as my sister... And I thought you had that thing with John...?"

Shayera stared at Wally for one long second. The speedster noticed with growing apprehension that her knuckles were whitening around her mace- also not a good sign.

"Sorry?" Wally tried. "Not to worry, I'm sure there's someone out there good for you, you're a pretty hot babe and all, and it's just that one of my best friends is deadand- whoa!"

The speedster barely managed to dodge the wild swing aimed at his left eyeball. The mace connected with a stack of carefully arranged brooms, snapping one and sending the rest tumbling miserably to the floor.

"I don't have time for this crap," snapped Shayera, palming her mace. "Superman is being mobbed by metas of all shapes and sizes in there-" She jerked her thumb towards the general direction of the cafeteria, where Superman's frantic attempts to placate the crowd could be heard- "-and according to you, Speedyisdead.When? How?"

Right. Speedy was dead. One of his best friends- since forever-was dead. "I-I dunno when... But I think he died of blood loss."

"Blood loss?" Superman appeared, not unlike the crazed dude from that Texas Chain Saw Massacre movie that Wally had watched last Friday night. How did he find-? Oh, right. X-ray vision. Huh, maybe that superpower wasuseful in something besides seeing through clothing. It had nothing on superspeed of course, but that was beside the point.

"Yeah, blood loss." Wally nodded, and swallowed at the memory. "He was missing both legs when I found him in my room."

The three descended into a stifling silence.

"Well," said Superman grimly. "Hawkgirl and I will investigate the crime scene. Flash, I want you close off all possible exits from the Watchtower and locate Green Arrow- keep him as far away from the scene as possible. Do not, under any circumstances, tell him about what happened to Speedy."

"Green Arrow?" Wally asked, puzzled. "But-"

"Just do it, Flash," Shayera said. She had turned away but Wally heard the break in her voice.

And that was enough for him to speed away to close all the aircraft gates.

...

Green Arrow wiped the sweat away from his brow. He had nailed seven arrows, one after another, into the same bulls eye to save his dignity from a still giggling Black Canary. He scowled; it wasn't like she could do any better. Just because he had missed onedue to some odd body spasm didn't mean he was less of a man.

Speaking of body spasms... he couldn't seem to shake the one he had gotten earlier. In fact, the unnerving feeling got exponentially stronger as a faint breeze blew past him.

Green Arrow nocked an eighth arrow, and sent it flying towards the riddled target.

Said arrow never reached said target. Instead, a scarlet speedster appeared in front of him rather suddenly, holding the quivering arrow in his hand.

"Hmm," sighed Black Canary. "I was hoping for another miss."

"Old buddy, old pal," said the Flash, clapping Green Arrow chummily on the shoulder, as if they were just the bestest of best friends. "How was your day?"

Green Arrow was no Batman, but he immediately suspected something amiss. Perhaps it was the fact that the Flash hadn't yet flirted with Black Canary within two seconds of seeing her that made the situation seem so strange. "It was fine," he said warily.

"Good, good," mumbled the Flash distractedly. "Black Canary, you're looking smokin' as always. Mind if I borrow Green Arrow for a second?"

"Don't mind me," said Black Canary sweetly, and Green Arrow internally groaned. Her tone suggested that she was curious, and nothing good ever came of a curious Canary, heroine or otherwise. "I'll just sit right over here and you can have your man-to-man talk."

"Er...Okay," Flash replied, turning back to Green Arrow. "So...What's up?"

"Is something wrong?" Green Arrow asked immediately.

"What? Oh no no no no!" Flash laughed a little more high pitchedly than usual. "Of course there's nothing wrong! Why would you think that there's something wrong? Unless there's something wrong to begin with- which there isn't- which would be why you think there's something wrong now. Totally nothing bad is happening at the Watchtower at the moment."

Now Green Arrow knew there was something definitelywrong. "I never mentioned anything about the Watchtower."

"Of course you didn't. I just wanted to say that the Watchtower is absolutely spiffing right now- don't you think so?"

Perhaps the red clad speedster had taken one too many knocks to the head on a prior mission. Really, that was the only conclusion the Green Arrow could think of that could cause the Flash to spew such utter nonsense.

It almost reminded him of how his ex-sidekick, Speedy, used to act whenever the kid got overly roughed up by Brick or some other rogue. Green Arrow remembered with a pang that his former ward didn't even go as Speedy anymore; he went with something along the lines of Red Arrow- an obvious rip off from his own name, of course. Either way, the boy would always remain Speedy in hismind.

Speaking of Speedy, Green Arrow hadn't heard from the kid for a while. Perhaps he should pay the boy- man, he corrected himself- a visit sometime soon.

...

"Watchtower to Red Arrow. Repeat, Watchtower to Red Arrow."

For the third time, Superman waited bleakly for an answer. For the third time, silence met him.

Both he and Shayera had rushed to the Flash's room moments after the Flash had zipped away. Superman had his X-ray vision turned on before they'd got there, which was why he had gotten confused a moment before Shayera.

The room had revealed nothing.

No body, nothing. Although Superman now knew where Flash's secret chocolate stash was.

There was, however, a smear of blood on the edge of one of Flash's many pillows. It wasn't exactly enough blood for a man to have died from blood loss, which was a relief, but there was still a considerable amount, which was a concern.

What was a greater concern was that there was now a murderer inside the Watchtower.

Superman tapped at his comm-link for the fourth time.

"Superman to J'onn. Repeat, Superman to J'onn..."

...

Screwed. He was screwed. And not in the good sense either.

"Ah, not the cafeteria!" Wally trilled, waving his hands frantically to block Green Arrow's path. A fat lot of good that did, seeing as Green Arrow simply slapped the limbs aside.

"Why the hell not?" Green Arrow snapped. "I'm usually hungry after training."

Oh boy oh boyo boy...

Wally still had no idea why Supes wouldn't want Green Arrow to hear about Speedy. Not that it mattered now, seeing as the big guy had ordered him to distract the man.

"Because-" Think,brain,think."-I just saw several metas throw up inside there." Ah,screwit."I think there's some sort of pandemic going around!"

"Oh really?" Green Arrow said sceptically.

"Really," Wally emphasised. "Must be a really nasty bug as well. I think even Supes was hurling puke chunks- you know, just all over the place, even inside the food trays. I wouldn't try any of the bolognaise in the next week if I were you."

Miraculously, Green Arrow seemed to swallow the bluff. Wally blinked. He actually believed that crap? Man, he must be getting better at lying- or maybe it was the mental imagery of Supes' barf that stopped Green Arrow dead in his leather-clad tootsies. After all, for all Wally knew, Kryptonian puke was probably radioactive and semi-acidic or something.

Either way, Wally had succeeded in diverting the archer's attention away from the cafeteria. Now all he had to do was to lead him far, far away, and run back to find Speedy's murd-

"Did you hear about Speedy?" said a passing Supergirl to Stargirl. Loudly. "I heard that he's been killed!"

Well, shit.

...

"I can't get in contact with him."

Superman's heart sank at J'onn's grim announcement. Shayera, who had been unusually silent until now, slammed her hand down onto the monitor.

"Try again, dammit!"

"Shayera..." Superman began, before he was interrupted by a sudden breeze and a panting speedster.

"Supes!" Flash said hurriedly. "Green Arrow's going to-"

"Where's Speedy?" Green Arrow demanded. The door to the Monitor Room swished shut behind him.

Superman noticed that the archer's hand was clenching tightly around his bow. Clenching and unclenching. On and off. "Green Ar- Ollie," the Man of Steel said hesitantly. "I don't know any better way to say this...but Red Arrow's...gone."

"Gone?" Green Arrow said gruffly. "Impossible. The boy's too stubborn to be dead."

"Who'sdead?" A very familiar voice came from behind them.

Several pairs of meta eyeballs slowly swivelled around to stare at the newcomer.

Stepping out of the transporter, brushing water logged hair out of his eyes and looking slightly harried, was a very much alive Red Arrow.

..

"I don't see what the big deal is," said Wally truthfully, since really, there was nothing exactly mind-blowing about Roy being alive. What, were the other metas secretly wishing for the younger archer's death or something? "Red Arrow's not dead. No biggie."

"I was dead?" asked Roy incredulously. "Since when?"

"Since two seconds ago," said Shayera.

There was a long silence, a rather stretched one, in Wally's opinion. Then, Roy turned to the speedster. "Do I want to know? "

"No," said Superman. Weird, why did the Man of Steel's voice sound so tired? Huh, maybe the guy didn't get any Up-and-Go drinks this morning. Unsurprising, since Wally himself had drank ninety percent of it in the breakfast buffet. "Why didn't you answer your comm-link?"

"I was in the middle of a mission twenty leagues under the sea," Roy replied. "It's a little difficult answering when you're being chased by chemically enhanced octopi."

Wally firmly agreed with that. He had first-hand experience in that after all. One had to be more then speedy to get away from that sort of situation.

Speaking of Speedy... "I think we're missing the big picture here, "said Wally loudly. Those blank staring eyes...that gaping mouth... "Speedy is still dead!"

"What are you talking about?" Green Arrow asked. "He's right here!"

"Where?" Wally swivelled his head, north, east, south, we- "Oh, my god!"

Wally heroically leapt into action, super speeding over to the far west corner of the Monitor Room. The other metas followed rather tentatively- Wally briefly overheard Shayera muttering something about insanity being contagious. He might've been offended at that comment, but the current situation was too dire.

It was too late.

The speedster watched in morbid horror as a pink tail disappeared down the kitten's throat.

"Speeeeddddyyy!"

The anguished scream echoed throughout the Monitor Room.

..

After leading the Justice League of America for the past many years and thus having countered many alien invasions, Superman thought that he had seen it all. But now, no thanks to one scarlet speedster, Superman now realised that there was still many things left unseen that he really, really,didn't want to know about.

After all, it wasn't everyday that one sees the Fastest Man Alive cry out in utter devastation at seeing a kitten finishing its lunch.

"Um," Superman said. There were really no other words for the situation.

"There's Speedy's murderer!" Flash cried out wildly. Within half a millisecond, the kitten appeared, purring, in the Flash's arms. "I got him!"

"Um," Superman repeated.

Thankfully, Shayera found her tongue first. "What the hell, Flash? I thought you said Speedy was dead!"

"He is!" Flash said, and then with a dawning comprehension. "Wait...You guys seriously didn't think I meant the archerSpeedy, did you?"

Several blank stares centred on the speedster.

"Are you kidding me? Doesn't he go by Red Arrow or some other unoriginal alias now?"

"Hey!" snapped an irritated Red Arrow. "Don't call meunoriginal, Mister Former KidFlash!"

"Speedy?" Flash tried again. Superman began to feel a migraine the size of Krypton descending upon his skull. "Speedy Gonzales? My pet rat?"

..

Wally scowled down at the murderer on his lap. The murderer purred and rubbed his head against his leg.

He would've thought that the other League members would've been a little more sympathetic to his plight, he had just lost a beloved pet after all. Granted, Speedy had been old, going onto his sixth year, but that so wasn't the point. The point was that they had all watched Speedy getting brutalised in front of them by a furry demon spawn of doom. Shouldn't he at least get some words of consolation? A pat on the back?

But no.Shayera simply just hadto yell at him about something he'd already forgotten, and both Green Arrow and J'onn hadto give him a lecture on linguistics and what not. Even Roy had snarked something about naming things after him- it wasn't as if Wally had intentionally named the poor little fella after Roy, what kind of misleading name was Speedyfor an archer anyway- and the so-called Big Blue Boy Scout had just walked away, muttering something about a migraine.

Some friends.

Wally absently reached down to stroke his feline foe- how did he even get into the Watchtower to begin with? Didn't Batman design the place to be everything-proof besides those pure of heart?- just to realise that said kitty of death was missing.

The speedster looked around his room confusedly. The devil couldn't have gone far, those legs were far too short to have reached anywhere decent. Nope, not under the pillowcase. Nah, not behind the fake mistletoe he had prepared for certain situations-

Wally choked on his tongue.

There, lying limply on the floor lay the tattered remains of his pet bird, Robin.

..

Ohohohoho. Batman may not respond too well at hearing about how "Robin" had died. Ohohohoho.

Anywho, leave a REVIEW. Food for the author. Really, I'm a little sad that no one bothered to tell me that I'd misspelt "ear" as "rear". I mean, that's a MASSIVE difference. (I touched my rear. I touched my ear. See?) And I'll like to hear feedback. For all I know, my writing must suck and you all hate me.

Even if it's something like, "OM^&*^GG, UUU SUUUCKK!1111" At least then, I'll know.