Safe

Chapter One

It was a beautiful autumn morning in New York City. Tree leaves had already begun their gradual change from green to various shades of yellow and red, painting the urban canvas of fall weather. When he awoke to his alarm clock and a chilly bedroom, Richard Castle noted that he'd have to set the thermostat a little higher tonight before heading off to bed again. As much as he loved the season, he hated waking up to a cold room and the shivers. He was more of a warm and cozy kind of guy.

Castle hadn't gotten nearly as much sleep as he'd like to the previous night, or more accurately, this morning. He had spent the bulk of his evening at the 12th late into the night wrapping up a murder investigation with Beckett and the boys. The case was pretty cut and dry this time around. Nothing special and an easy close: fight between two men, mid-20's, over a mutual female companion. Vic was struck in the head with a bar stool with enough blunt force trauma to be fatal. Suspect fled the scene and vic's girlfriend, the mutual companion, found him three hours later upon arriving home. Suspect was ID'd an hour later in SoHo as a sobbing, drunken mess on the street corner. He was an honest, guilt-ridden drunk and laid everything out on the table for them.

Regardless of the ease of the case, Gates was adamant about getting a case-closed same day, and although Castle could have easily headed home earlier, and Beckett had even suggested he do so, he stuck around. When she had asked him why, he replied, "Why not?" with his usual carefree smile, and she smiled back at him, nodding as if to say, "Okay then." It was just after three in the morning when he made it back to his loft, and close to four-thirty the last time he had remembered looking at his clock before nodding off to sleep.

The alarm clock sounded at eight, and he smashed the snooze button down with a heavy hand after about twenty seconds of it's incessant beeping. His body trembled a bit at the cool air drifting about him, and he felt an ache in his limbs from fatigue. Seven minutes quickly passed after hitting the snooze button and the alarm turned back on again. Rick Castle realized that it was going to be rather difficult to get motivated and out of his bed this morning, especially after he remembered why he had set the alarm in the first place.

Yesterday afternoon, Castle had agreed to accompany his mother the "First thing in the morning!" to a fundraiser in order to secure additional funding for her new school. This, of course, was before he got the call from Beckett regarding the body. Martha was thrilled to have her plans materialize and be underway, and honestly, Castle was more than happy to oblige her on this one if it meant getting her out of the house more often. Don't get him wrong, he loves his mother, but she could be a little over the top sometimes - well, most of the time - but it did make him happy seeing how happy she was in recent days. She was truly putting her all into her passion for performing arts.

The snooze alarm went off a second time and again, he slammed a hand down on it, groaning and muttering a curse word into his pillow as he did so. It was only after his cell phone started ringing that he finally dragged his tired body out from under his eight hundred and twenty thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. When he saw Beckett as the name on his iPhone screen, his face lit up with delight. It's not that he was feeling thankful that a murder occurred, but he'd much rather be on another case with his lovely partner than stuck in an auditorium for hours with his mother and her many acquaintances and friends.

"Well good morning, Detective," he said, sitting back down at the foot of his bed and trying not to sound too thrilled.

"Good morning," she replied, noting he sounded a little groggy. "I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No, alarm clock beat you by about fifteen minutes. Let me guess..."

"No, sorry to disappoint you." She interrupted him, knowing all too well what he intended to guess. "No murder today. Well, none that I've been made aware of, at least."

"Huh." He replied, a little disappointed indeed. He made a quick recovery though, "So you were just wishing to start your day off with my sultry voice, is that it? And we've only been apart..." He looked over to the alarm clock he had been abusing for the past fifteen minutes. "...about 5 hours, by my count."

"Trust me, I'm well aware how long it's been. I can barely keep my eyes open right now." She said through a yawn. "And damn, you saw straight through me, Castle. I just can't start my day without you."

"You wound me with your sarcasm. So what's up, if not murder?"

There was a brief pause before she answered him.

"Did you make off with some of my case files last night?"

He pondered a moment before giving his reply. "Uh, can't say I did. That I recall, anyway. After what happened the last time I snooped without your approval I know not to do that again." He chuckled nervously.

"Hmm...I must just be imagining things then." She said, her voice trailing off in a pensive manner.

"Considering the sleepy stupor I left in, I would imagine anything is possible. In any case, I'm flattered that your imagination included me."

Beckett didn't have to see him him to know that his words were coupled with a grin. She smiled, too, debating whether to play along or shut him down. She opted for a little bit of both. "What can I say, when it comes to bad behavior, you're usually my prime suspect."

"I do like how you put possession on that, 'My prime suspect'. Scandalous." His words elicited both an eye roll and a smile from Beckett this time. "Innocent until proven guilty though. I'll have you know, I have been on my best behavior recently. You must have noticed since you don't banish me to the car anymore."

Beckett let out a hearty laugh. "Yeah, well I guess I've learned over the years that it's a wasted effort. You never stay put anyways. But you're right, you've been...better...recently, I suppose."

"Gee, and all this time I thought it was because you found me helpful."

"Speaking of helpful, don't you have a date with your mother this morning?" Castle hesitated to answer at first and she heard him sigh. "I'm guessing that's a 'Yes'?"

"Well, considering the citizens of New York have neglected to commit any murder this morning, it would appear so. Not that I'm wishing murder upon anyone, mind you."

"Wow, Castle. You make it sound like such a dire situation. It can't possibly be that bad, could it? At least you still have your mother to spend time with. "

She realized how it sounded directly after it left her lips, but she didn't mean it the harsh way it came out. Regardless, it still struck a chord with Castle. Here he was complaining about spending time with his mother, knowing how much pain Kate was still in with regards to her mother's case. The case he has been secretly investigating for her sake. The case keeping him from acting on his feelings for her. What she would give to spend even a chaotic day at a fundraiser with her mother, he wondered.

"You're right, I've no right to complain." He replied, and Beckett immediately picked up on the seriousness his tone had shifted to. She didn't mean to make him feel bad. Just as she attempted to soften the blow, he was already changing the subject to end the call. "I should probably get ready to go. I need coffee and lots of it to get through today. Long night."

"Sure was." She paused when she heard him yawn, his lips smacking together a little bit at the end of it. "Yeah, coffee's probably a good idea. I don't know why you stayed so long last night. All that was left was the paperwork. I could have handled that fine on my own."

"I'm your partner," was all he said in reply.

The same smile crept onto Beckett's face as the one that did when he told her "Why not?" some seven hours ago. She decided to leave it at that. "Good luck with everything today."

"Oh not to worry, I'm sure Mother will make out like a bandit with the crowd she's expecting. It's open to the public, too, so there's sure to be a decent turn out."

"That's good."

"That said, we'd greatly appreciate your support, too, by the way. And by 'we' I mean me, and by 'support' I mean helping me retain some sanity in the process. If you're not busy and all."

"She's not planning on auctioning you off again, is she?" Amused as she was by his anxiousness over the event, her inquiry was a little more serious and concerned than she was wanting to let on, though he didn't seem to notice it.

"That's actually what I'm afraid of." He stammered, thinking back on the previous fiasco 2 years ago. The dread in his voice made Beckett burst into laughter in his ear. "On second thought, don't come. Last time was embarrassing enough as it is. You'll just throw me under the bus again."

Beckett bit her lip and smiled at the memory. Back then she could hardly stand his playboy demeanor and watching him squirm as his mother auctioned him off to the highest bidder was quite enjoyable in a dark, twisted sort of way. Present day Beckett, however, wasn't content in the least bit at the idea of random women bidding on the man she'd fallen in love with. Not that she'd let him know that.

"Oh, come on, Castle. Relax, I'm sure Martha has other ideas in store."

"I hope so." He sighed, rubbing his face with his hand. He could hear his mother upstairs chanting 'Fund-raise-rrrr~' and "Oh~ What-to-wear~" in a sing-song voice as she went about her morning ritual with Alexis no doubt helping her on fashion choices for the event. He knew it was time he got on the ball as well. "I better get going. The girls are on the move and one of 'em's singing."

"Haha, okay then."

"Let me know if you can't find those files and I'll have a look around here again when I get back home."

"It's all right. I'm sure they're around some place. Have fun at the fundraiser."

"I'll make a conscious effort to try." He replied, making her laugh once more before they hung up.

When the phone call ended, Castle headed to the kitchen for some much needed caffeine then went upstairs to greet his girls as they prepared for the big event. Beckett, on the other hand, set her phone down beside her pillow and crawled back under the sheets of her bed with a smile. There weren't any missing case files. She wasn't even on duty today. She was finding herself making more and more excuses to call him lately, and in recent days was running out of legitimate reasons for why, but when she was startled awake by another of her recurrent nightmares this morning, her reaction was to call Castle, using whatever excuse came to mind first that didn't involve admitting the sheer terror encompassing her body.

Those three months after the shooting without Rick Castle in her life tore her apart. When she woke up from surgery to Josh at her side, and "I love you, Kate" as her most recent memory, she didn't know what to do or how to cope. She lied and pushed him away, but she was by no means happy or content with that decision. He was right, that evening in her apartment, after he tried unsuccessfully to get her to drop her mother's case and she kicked him out - she was afraid. She needed time to think, time to process, time to recover, and most of all, time to sort through all of her feelings. Days turned to weeks and weeks to months. Her shooting was life altering, and for so many reasons.

She dreamt of that day often. Dream? No, it was more like a nightmare. The symptoms she experienced due to her PTSD were gradually letting up with time, or in the very least becoming more manageable, but the nightmares still persisted. At work, she had the support of her team to have her back during the times of despair. She hid it the best she could, but they still knew it was there, though they didn't make it a point to point it out. Castle had become her rock in moments of vulnerability, whether it was offering words of encouragement or silently lending an ear when she vented her frustrations. It was only when she was alone that her mind and thoughts got the better of her. Kate Beckett was a strong woman but she was still human.

Sometimes she wondered if keeping her memories a secret from him was the root of the issue with her recurrent nightmares. It was always the same scene replaying in her head just as clear and vivid as she had lived it. The sound of the gunshot, mere seconds before being tackled to the ground. Going into shock, crippled and immobilized on the grass of the cemetery by her injury. She had never been so scared in her life. But then there was Castle, right there with her, cradling her in his arms, whispering softly to her, begging her not to leave him and admitting he loved her - suddenly the fear that had washed over her was gone and instead she felt so safe.

Beckett had smiled as she blacked out that day, content to leave everything in his hands. He wasn't the most responsible, mature man in the world, but she trusted him with every fiber of her being and he always comes through when it counts. She wasn't delirious in her fade to black - He said loved her. She knew he would take care of her, as he did just now over the phone, even though he wasn't aware of it at the time. Hearing his voice on the other end of the line, even if he was still half asleep, overly flirtatious or immature and silly, it brought back those feelings of safety and ease. The anxiety she felt waking up from that nightmare subsided all thanks to him.

She felt horrible for continuing to lie to him this way and honestly, today was the first time she had ever used a blatant lie as an excuse to call and she felt bad for feeling thankful that he went for it, unlikely a tale as it had been. He'd never believe her when she said it but yes, that sultry voice was just the remedy for the anxiety welling within her. She needed to feel the safety and warmth it evoked within her. It was selfish of her, she knew, and it wasn't something she was proud of, but she resigned herself all those months ago to the fact that she couldn't open up to him just yet. She was afraid, and judging by how he continued to keep his confession to himself all this time, she knew that he was afraid, too. Kate Beckett needed to become stronger, mentally and emotionally, and she vowed that when she did, she'd risk that heart of hers and dive right in.

Until that time came, the phone calls and extra time spent together at work would suffice.