Hello! Finally! It's here!

If you still do not know about the changes to the unabridged Incision make sure you go to a tumblr page with the url of jihad-says. Put a period after my name and then tumblr's website.

If you do, then it's your lucky day because you can continue reading in a jiffy.

IT'S FINALLY HERE PART ONE OF MELLO'S STORY.

Except I'm so sorry that this is only Part One so you'll only know half of what happened until the next chapter. It's still in Mello's POV;

The order of the chapters [Mello = Odd Chapter, Near = Even Chapter] are NOT changing though. Next chapter is special because afterward is also Near's POV.

I hope you get the gist; I know I'm confusing and I deeply apologize.

If I am confusing you, send me a PM and I'll answer aysap.

I don't own Death Note.

TW: Strong drug abuse, suicidal thoughts, self-harm thoughts and cutting scenes.

When Nate puts his pretty fingers onto the keys, my heart goes wild.

The first note, the second, the third; everything was perfect, in place, something I honestly can't just describe easily.

It's all a shock to me, each note passing by was giving me soul.

I couldn't believe what I'm hearing; it maybe even sounded all too familiar.

Except it didn't. Of course I had never heard this song before; but maybe this kind of beautiful melody is something my insides wanted me to put out into the world, but I couldn't quite ever find it.

But now it's here and it's lovely.

It's Nate.

That's what it is.

This song is Nate.

The sound was soft at first, gentle, careful, but hell, it still kept you hanging onto the edge of your seat, wanting more.

Melody shock.

It's so powerful.

I'm drifting apart from reality. Nate is only in view.

He is my soul, he is my heart, and I haven't ever felt more peaceful.

It's such a cold song, mysterious, some odd emotion too deep to grasp; but it does have some warmth.

The warmth its very stained with deep darkness, and yet still with pace and imagination.

God, it's perfect.

Everything cannot be more perfect in this moment.

Nate. The song which was both our souls colliding into each other, bursting with melancholy but with a lovely strange peace together.

And then, as if it couldn't get any better, Nate breaks his beautiful piece down, but slamming on the keys to continue to the striking bridge.

It comes to you unexpected; the song is honestly such a son of gun, and it wont take you down with only one golden bullet engraved with the longing of wanting to listen to it forever.

My heart is skipping beats; my heart is pounding to the pressure every time Nate's fingertips pushed hard onto the keys.

This is a beautiful high; a melodic drug; my heart's pace is an addiction every time these notes broke heavily and cried, sobbed.

It was as if the song had finally reached its breaking point of being too soft and got down on its knees and wailed as loud as it could.

My eyes watered.

This was all too familiar.

This is what I longed for inside and Nate helped me find it.

But somehow this happened all too fast; the song was now simply over; sadly the keys wouldn't ring the lovely, scarce lasting of his song in aftermath; he had an electric keyboard.

If I could speak my thoughts on his written master piece it would be a passionate kiss right on his mouth.

I wanted to tell him I love him.

On an incredible high, my eyes still amazed, I fell backwards on his bed,

"Wow." I breathed.

That was the most real, breath-taking moment I have ever had.

I don't get those breath-taking moments too often either.

I'm not one to love my life.

But now I could say I do; I get to be with Nate in this very perfect moment.

I'm so happy...

Happy.

Happy.

Happy.

My heart. Is flickering.

Nate slowly walked over and frowned, "You alright? Sorry, that was pretty terrible. I haven't played that piece in a long time. I don't know why I chose that one. It just called to me. It was... in the moment. And I'm sor-"

I break his insecure tone off, I can't take it anymore, "Nate if you don't shut the fuck up right now, I am going to kick your ass, that was the most beautiful piece I've ever heard."

Nate blinked, "O-Okay, I'm sorry,"

"Don't be sorry, you dumby, I had the time of my life listening to that." I flicked his thigh.

"I'm s-s-o-orry."

I sit up on the bed and grab his face again, "Remember when I told you not to say the word sorry to me ever again?"

Nate nods slowly.

"Then why are you saying it now?"

"I don't know..."

I slammed back down, thinking.

Only a few moments later have I processed what Nate had told me about the song.

The piece he played for me; randomly came to him; it's how he felt in the moment.

Another sign, that this is perfect.

This is us.

I smiled huge, and closed my eyes. I have never dreamed of such a perfect moment.

I don't care, I'm high, might as well try this out;

"Lay with me."

"What?"

I didn't crack an eye open, "Lay with me."

"But it wont fit the both of us."

"Nate, please lay with me."

"You want me to crawl on top of you then?" he laughed nervously.

"Preferably, yes." I ordered in joke.

I opened my eyes and he was standing unsure of what was even going on.

I have no clue either, Nate.

"I don't bite, just come here," I gently grasp his pale wrist, and pull him on top of me, his head landing on my chest and his stomach against my hip.

Oh my god, my heart.

It's quickening like crazy, his body is against mine

My breathing hitched.

I should have thought this through – his ear is right against my heart beat, he's going to hear it drumming fast as fuck.

I'm such a creep!

Should I push him off before he realizes I'm completely in love with him?

But Nate doesn't say anything. Not one word.

All he does is snuggles his face deeper into my chest.

This feels so perfect. So what if my heart is dying? So what if he can feel it racing for him?

Whatever.

I can't just let this go!

I finally relax and take his smell in. Fresh linen, really nice smelling soap.

Ah, this scent is so cute.

This is the best thing ever.

I try to take it to the next level and start playing with his hair, pushing it back, twirling it and what not.

It's not long until Nate notices those ugly dumb scars I've left on my arm last year.

He winces, grabs my arm, and stiffs it in place.

"W-Why did you do this...?" his voice was sullen, "Why...?"

Great.

Why did I?

Was there a reason? Of course there was.

But why the hell did Nate have to know?

"Don't worry about it. That's not ever happening again." I deadpanned.

Nate breaks and pushes up, punching my chest lightly, "No! No, I'm going to worry about it. Why wouldn't I worry about it?! That's not something to admire, Mihael! That's scary! It hurts!" his voice cracks.

"N-Na-"

I've never seen him like this. He's usually so content... calm... stoic.

"I'm serious! Mihael, that's not something to not worry about! No matter how old those things are, they're still there in view! And it's not pretty..." he pushed his hair back in stress.

I stayed quiet for a moment until Nate calmed down a bit and went back to leaning on my chest.

"They have a story, yeah. It's a long one."

Children sadly show scars like medals. Lovers use them as secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh.

"...What is your story? I mean... I know the... but..."

"Yeah, I get it, it's alright, I know what you mean." I stroked his hair for comfort.

"Can I hear it?"

I gulped.

I have never had anyone actually ask me for my story.

They just assumed everything throughout rumors, the news, fake sources, and even a glimpse at my appearance.

I didn't know what to start with first. I didn't know how to tell it.

Will I cry?

I hadn't even ever got the idea that I'd have to actually live to tell the tale.

Fuck! Is this going to go bad?

My thoughts are everywhere, causing me into a choked silence.

"Can you tell me your story...?" he questioned again and tilted forward, snuggling his slope nose deeper into my chest. This made my face rush a crimson, his cute self just nestled onto my body, snowy locks spread in every direction.

My heart is bursting with illumination.

I almost forget how to speak.

And then in the dead silence of this odd connection of ours, he opened his mouth once more, a bit more impatient,

"Mihael."

My heart skips a beat whenever his voice says my name.

"Tell me." he said.

Within a few more unsteady heartbeats,

I told him my story.

Ah. Let's see? Where do I begin?

Right. Last year. September. Second year of Whammy Prep. Sophomore. Whatever.

I guess this shit wouldn't have ever started in the first place if it wasn't for one boy and one boy only;

"Class, this is Teru Mikami, he has started a few weeks late at Whammy Prep, he just came from Connecticut; so consider him as a new kid."

Roger Riue pushed this weird looking kid into Algebra, dark shoulder length hair, black rimed glasses, wearing a bright neon tennis jersey.

Mikami looked like he was forced into here, considering it's already two hours after lunch.

That kid's face crossed a haughty look.

"Hi, Teru." Everyone goes.

I don't say anything but I really don't remember why.

I look down back down to my note page and start to scribble the rest of an in progress doodle of Spiderman. (The movie just came out around that time and I thought his costume was pretty fucking wicked,)

"Hopefully you all, will give Teru a very nice warm welcome to Whammy. Good day to you all." Riue walks out of the classroom all pompous with his hands locked behind his back like always.

Wait, hold up, let me describe the seating situation; if it wasn't for assigned seats; my little fucked up situation would of definitely never happened.

But, woe is me.

I am in the second to last row, last seat, right at the window along with its amazing (sarcasm intended) AC, and my favorite person of all fucking time, (sarcasm very intended) Light Yagami, sat right in front of me.

First week of school, this girl named Wedy sat next to me, but she died in a motorcycle accident; it was pretty traumatic for the whole school,

But what did this mean?

Free seat.

For Mikami.

So, Mr. Mogi obviously directs Mikami to sit right next to me.

I didn't care.

I watched the kid slowly walk over with a bored look until he passed Light, (who he himself was doodling and writing random stuff in his usual favorite black notebook)

Mikami's face went the other way around;

Mikami's face blanched at the moment he saw him.

He plops down in Wedy's desk, stunned out of his mind, I can see.

Okay... then... I shrug my brows, click my tongue and get back to doodling;

Five minutes later, Mikami's face regains its original color and he whispers over to me.

Oh great.

I pretend I can't hear him.

"Hey! Psst. You!"

"Psst!"

"Over here!"

"Hey, blonde girl,"

I finally crack, and slowly turn my head in annoyance to him, my look unexpressed, "I'm a guy."

"Sure," he nods and leans over closer, "Dude, who's that hot piece of ass sitting in front of you?"

I blink.

Is he talking about Light?

I subconsciously turn to check if Light somehow vanished and a some girl magically happened to appear, taking his seat in the past five minutes.

"Uh, Light?" I answer Mikami; my tone is confused.

I was assuming Mikami was going to ask me for a pencil or if I had any gum or something. Jesus.

Light instantly turns around because he thinks I call for him,

"Yeah, man?"

I wave my arms in cross motion, "No, sorry, I didn't mean to... this kid just asked for your name and...?" I tried to explain, gesturing my head over to Mikami.

Mikami turns scarlet and gives Light a small nervous wave.

Light notices Mikami's clothing and his face lights up, "Hey! You play tennis?" he grins,

I roll my eyes, because last year all Light would ever fucking talk about is tennis and I got an earful each day.

I slump down in my seat from tiredness and ignore the two, praying that Mr. Mogi would be cool today and give us less packet work for homework like last week.

"Y-Yeah." Mikami stutters out his answer.

"So do I!" Light pointed to himself trying to act all cute, giving Mikami an excited childish smile.

Really?! Never would have guessed! Haha! I mocked Light at the back of my mind.

"I was the national tennis champion in eight and ninth grade!" Light bloats.

"Th-That's so cool." Mikami says, mesmerized.

Oh god. I roll my shoulders back and close my eyes, hoping the bell could just ring already.

"I'm Light Yagami." Light gleams in pride.

Your name is fucking stupid, shut up.

"My name is spelled with the kanji for moon, but it's read as 'Light.'"

Do you really HAVE to say that every single time you introduce yourself? Ugh.

Yes, even back then I questioned why I was friends with Light.

"I'm Teru Mikami... I... don't really have any cool things about my name, but..."

"You guys, can you please be quiet?!" I whisper yell.

With my luck, the minute the words leave my lips, Mr. Mogi throws the board eraser at my head from across the room.

His motto is 'Talk shit, get hit, get embarrassed.'

Kids laugh.

And of course it flies right at my head; Mr. Mogi's throw is professional; he's been playing baseball since like, the fourth grade. He has medals and pictures at his desk.

I kinda feel sorry for him because those dusty trophies were just a reminder that he hasn't lived up to his expectations so now he's teaching algebra to asshole kids.

"Keehl! If you have so much to say to Mr. Yagami and Mr. Mikami, maybe you'd like to answer the polynomial on the board, hm?"

I sigh. The problem was too easy, I already knew the answer;

"Leading coefficient is negative therefore between x equals negative two and x equals negative one, the graph is above x axis and below x axis between x equals negative one and the other as well, equaling one, hence the y intercept is below the x axis." I tell Mogi in light-speed.

Mogi's face is disappointed, "Very good, Mr. Keehl, maybe next time try saying it slower." he rolled his eyes back to the board.

I grumbled and kicked at Mogi's eraser near my desk's metal leg stand, where the eraser had landed after it bounced off my head.

I already hated Mikami.

He got me in trouble.

I wasn't even talking; those two gave me the blame.

Light snickered, "Sorry, dude..." and turned back to view the board.

Mirari mimicked, "Yeah, sorry, dude."

Fuck you.

After school, there's football.

Light and I are already down at the field; first ones there, actually.

Light's whining about how he forgot his Gatorade at home and he's asking for some of mine but I refuse because like I barely have any left.

"Alright, fine, can you lend me some money then?"

"I don't have any money, Light." I rubbed my forehead.

Something catches my eye; and by god, I'm freaked out.

Mikami is looking down at us (well, Light,) from the fence to the buses; basically drooling. His hands are tugging at the metal nets, and his lips are tugging a frown.

What the hell?

Light notices and decided to take advantage.

"Hey! You! Mikami! What's up?!" his tone is peppy.

All Mikami does is wave back to Light. Light gives a fresh sigh, "Wanna come hang with us for a second?"

Mikami is silent once more; his only response is a slow nod.

"Light." I groan, "C'mon leave him alone, don't use the poor guy."

But Mikami is already running over to the football stand gates.

"Hey, don't say I'm using the new kid. I mean, look he's eager to hang out." Light gives me a malicious grin.

"Fuck you, dude, that's just wrong." I grumble in whisper.

"H-Hi!" Mikami pants. He's all the way down to the Team's bleachers and I pray that the coach would just arrive already, tell Mikami he's not allowed to be here, causing Light to stop being a dick to the new guy.

"Hey, man," Light sits back against the wall and puts his feet up on the front bench, "Sit down, tell me about yourself?"

My left eye flickers in annoyance and my right is bulged out, irritated.

Here it goes.

Mikami blinks confused for a moment, "I don't know... where do I start?" his voice was small and shy.

"Well, how about telling me what happened for you to come to Whammy? Where you from?" Light closes his eyes.

I just roll my eyes and take a sip from my water bottle.

"Connecticut." Mikami blunts.

"Ah, did you move here? Parents relocated jobs?" Light said listlessly.

"No." Mikami shrugs.

Light cracks an eye open, "No? What happened?"

"Got expelled from school." Mikami says simply.

Light starts to nod in approval, that dumb 'not bad, not bad,' pout and eyebrow furrow, "What happened?" he goes.

"They found my cocaine."

Mikami says it like it's nothing.

"How'd you get accepted with that on your back?" I interrupted.

Mikami looks over to me, "I'm wicked smart. Duh. How else did you think I'd get in? Knowing how to change a hamster's cage?" he snorted, sarcastic.

My blood boiled.

I hated when people acted 'smart' with me.

"Look, you stupid fuck –" I almost got up, but Light pushes me back, putting his hand on my chest, "No. Mihael, I like him."

"Uh,what?" I hiss.

"Mikami. Dude. You're so fucking cool!" Light cheers.

Mikami's face brightened, "Really?"

He was acting like a puppy who hasn't seen its owner come home in years.

It sickened me.

Light nods, eager, "Hell yeah! You're awesome! Do you still do cocaine?"

"Is the sky blue?" Mikami joked, "Do you know how addicting that stuff is?"

"Man, you're great! Mind sharing sometime? How'd you get on it in the first place?" Light laughed in amusement.

"I didn't have any friends my age at school so I made friends with the college kids. They're much cooler. They even beat this kid up for messing with me after school once. It was awesome."

"That's cool – How much are you willing to sell some of that stuff?"

I gulp.

Light wants cocaine? Fucking really?

I take another sip, awkwardly, pretending I honestly didn't care.

"Well, at school I sold it 70 bucks a gram. But, for you, Light, you can have it for free."

Light grinned, "Wow! Thanks Mikami, you're great. Now I really, really like you!"

I snarled, inward.

"Anything for you!" Mikami piped in joy.

"Hey, actually Mikami, as you can see, I'm about to go out in the field and play some football," Light scratched the back of his head, "But I... don't have any money to buy Gatorade... I don't want to bother you, but..."

Oh shut up Light, with your stupid acting.

"I'll buy you some!" Mikami said, determined.

"Really?" Light smiled with encouragement, "You're so nice!"

Someone stick rusty nails in my ears, I hate listening to Light's fake peppy voice.

"See that vending machine over there?" he pointed to the furthest one as a test, across the field by the bathrooms and first aid stand, "That one has my most favorite Gatorade. It's the lime green one. But... I don't want to tire myself before the game by running over there that fast... maybe you could... you know... fetch it over there for me?"

"Y-Yes, of course! Anything! I'll do it!" Mikami pushed up his glasses before getting up and sprinting over.

I looked to Light, "You are such a fucking dick." I comment.

"Yeah, I guess, but I like this kid. He's totally obsessed with me. Should I be his friend? I mean, look; he's a fast runner, dude. We can get him to join football with us as well." Light shrugged, closing his eyes again.

"How about you let the kid do what he wants to do; are you really going to force him in to playing football with us so he can become popular, or whatever?"

"Well, yeah, what else am I going to do? I can't just hang with the new kid without a reason. Besides Aiber just died, dude... Mikami can easily take his spot."

"Hey man, Aiber was great..." I pursed my lips, "Don't just throw him away like that."

"If you want to make an omelet, you break a few eggs. It's how the world works, Keehl. We're not going to wait months to find a great reasonable player worthy to take Aiber's spot in respectability. What did you think was going to happen to Aiber's spot?"

I gaze at Mikami pressing at the vending machines buttons.

Poor kid. I thought.

Mikami races back with what seems to be all his might because he's clenching his eyes shut, "Light! I got you two of them!" he holds them up as he gets on his knees, "Just in case."

Light raises his brows in true surprise.

My mouth slightly gapes.

Jesus Christ, is he bowing down to Light? As if Light was a god?

After a few silent seconds, Light takes the Gatorades, puts them next to his Varsity jacket, and pulls an arm out for Mikami to get off of his knees.

Mikami gleams at it, takes it, and Light puts his arm around Mikami once he's on his feet,

"You're my friend now. We're hanging out later."

After football Light and I take Mikami out to Light's favorite Japanese restaurant and Mikami gets the same thing Light does.

I get spicy tuna, and chew warily as I watch the two converse.

"So, Mikami, this is Mihael. Mihael Keehl." Light introduces me as I'm awkwardly slurping Miso soup.

I gulped it down, "...Hi?"

Mikami nodded, "You're the guy girls talk about all the time, huh?"

"Sure." I shrugged and start taking more slurps but then Light smacks me unexpectedly hard on the back, and I spit-take.

"Hell yeah he is! I stole the cheerleader's poll book and he's number one in the hottest!" Light gives a cheerily thumbs up, "Isn't that great?!"

I roll my eyes and refrain from eating anymore Miso in case Light decided to beat my back again.

"Odd, I didn't know all the girls at school were lesbians." Mikami comments before slowly sipping green tea.

I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to contain my anger, "Ha. Ha. You're so funny, Mikami." I said, robotic.

"I try, I try." Mikami sneers.

Light laughs awkwardly before I can break, "Okay! Now that we all know each other;"

"How would you like to be part of the football team Mikami? We need a spot, and you're a great runner." Light pointed his chopsticks at him before digging back into his eel roll.

Mikami gives back silence for a few seconds as he chews, "Will Light be there at all times?"

"Yes." Light assures.

Mikami goes on, "Will I also be on the tennis team with Light?"

"Sure." Light nods again.

"Then we have a deal!" Mikami chirped with a huge smile, reaching his arm out across the table to shake Light's hand.

October

Mikami wasn't popular because he was on the football team, tennis team and he hung out with Light, the football team, and I; he was popular because he did and sold cocaine.

But no one on the football team had the guts to risk suspension or expulsion; they just lied that they did it or said that they like it but they're holding off on it.

Even that time around I actually didn't know if Mikami was doing cocaine or if he was lying to be cool in front of Light.

In only a few weeks, Mikami was with us 24/7.

When I'm walking to lunch with the team, Mail runs over and taps me on the shoulder,

"Hey!" he breathed, "You maybe want to eat lunch today? Like you know skip the team?"

I smile, I haven't seen Mail all day – I missed him,

I pause my walking, "Yeah – Maybe I – "

But then Light took me by the shoulder and dragged me back into the group,

"Dude, why are you talking to that loser?"

"I – I don't know... sorry..." I tell him.

That's when my heart sank because I remember turning around to Mail's eyes blinking in astonishment, surprised that I was leaving him for the first time to be with people I didn't actually even like.

He bit his lips in disappointed, gave a half-hearted wave and turned out of my sight.

November

In November Mikami gave three touchdowns and I gave two, one of them last second of the game.

Coach praised both of us the most but I got this odd feeling that Mikami wasn't doing anything for the team; every time that kid made a touchdown he looked for approval on Light's face.

An after party happens, and that's when I see that Mikami isn't lying.

This chick named Takada undressed for Mikami in the study on the second floor of Light's house and he did cocaine off of her stomach.

I remember I almost threw up, because I couldn't bare looking at that chick take off her clothes. But I had to.

Fucking hell.

Light's cheering and telling Mikami how much Mikami is his favorite person in the whole wide world but then proceeds to make out with Takada.

I sit and eat chocolate as I watch a few kids do dumb shit;

Neylon even threw up under Light's desk from drinking too much.

I didn't touch a thing that night but the cake; I could admit I was too much of a pussy to do things like that.

No one else did cocaine that night except Mikami showing off his addiction, and Takada's dumb stomach.

Somehow I went home feeling empty inside.

I called Mail up.

It was three in the morning, but he usually stays up until 4 playing World of Warcraft

He picks up on the very last ring.

That's when I know, he's definitely in game.

"Hello?" he says, distant.

"Yo!" I laugh awkwardly.

"Oh, hey... what's up! Nice last minute touchdown today. Sorry I couldn't make it."

"Thanks. Ugh I'm so tired. I just came back from Light's big game after-party and you'll never guess what just happened."

"Hm?" Mail goes.

"That new popular kid Mikami? He actually does cocaine. Did it right off of Takada's stomach." I groaned in disgust, as I rubbed my forehead.

I lay back on the couch when Halle comes downstairs, groggily,

"You're finally home." she groaned.

I nodded but then pointed to the phone so she could be clued in I'm taking to someone else.

"Wow. Lucky. Takada's so hot." Mail sighed, jealous.

"Mail!" I laughed, "Dude, I mean, like, this guy... this guy's for real. This guy's dangerous. He got expelled last year for selling the stuff."

Halle overhears the conversation as she's pouring herself some milk, "What?! Who's this we're talking about here?"

"Hold on, Mail," I turn to Halle, "It's nothing... we're just talking about a TV show."

Halle squints and waves me off,

"Well goodnight, you better be upstairs in your room soon, or I'll kill you." she bounces back up to her room.

"Sorry," I push my hair back and waver back into the line, "If Halle found out about Mikami, she'd flip out... and, you know tell the school or something."

"Man, he's so fucking lucky though, Takada's such a babe." Mail whined.

"Dude, I swear he's gay, and Takada likes Light, they were sucking face all night."

"Why is Mikami gay?"

"Well, I don't know if he's gay but he's definitely in love with Light..."

"Whoa, what? Are you sure you're not just saying that?"

"He does everything that Light says... the reason he even did the blow off of Takada's stomach was because Light told him to."

"Yeesh. Maybe it's just for popularity. Light is the most popular kid in school along with you."

"No, I'm not joking. Even before he knew Light – he sat next to me in class – and he goes, 'Who's that hot piece of ass sitting in front of you'? I was so confused." I dropped my head on one of the couch pillows and took a deep breath in.

"I really need to change, I'm beginning to sweat in the leather." I commented briefly.

"So he's doing everything Light says because Light's hot?" Mail tried.

"Ugh I don't know –"

There's an odd beep coming from my phone and I think the battery's dying but it ends up that an unknown number is calling me.

"Mail – Hold on someone's calling me...?"

"Who?"

"I don't know, blocked number, hold the line, probably just a marketer,"

"Okay."

I hit the green phone button to answer, "Hello?"

"Mihael? Hey, it's Mikami."

"Mikami? Oh, hey... what's up, man?"

I completely forgot I gave him my number the second week I've known him.

"Should I kill myself?" he says casually.

I burst immediately; "Whoa – whoa – whoa! What?!"

"I'm on top of the roof of my house – should I kill myself?"

"What?! So if you're automatically on the roof of your house you have to be complementing suicide?! Where are you parents? Family?"

"I'm an only child. Parents are on a business trip."

"You're alone? Who drove you home from Light's party?"

"I walked and then took a bus. I'm not so far away from God's house."

"Hold up; God?" I sat up and took off my shirt.

It was getting too hot.

"Light. I call Light 'God 'now. Because Light is my god."

I am strongly against this choice, but I choose to ignore that at the moment.

"Nevermind Light – why do you wanna kill yourself? At four in the morning?"

"Does it matter what time I want to kill myself, Keehl?" he sneered.

"Okay – sorry – not time. Just tell me why – talk to me – don't do it."

"Because Light told me to."

"Light told you to kill yourself?!"

Light, you idiot!

This is going way too far.

"Does he know you're on top of your roof right now trying to kill yourself?"

How tall is his home anyway? Must be a generous height if he feels that if he would jump off, he'd die.

"No. But... Light is not the only reason."

"... Well... what is..."

"I'm depressed too, you know."

"W-Why?"

"Well, last year, no one at school liked me, so it really hurt me. I got depressed and started cutting myself."

I winced.

"Like... hurting... yourself?"

"Yeah. With a razor blade or a knife."

"Why did you feel the need to do that?"

"Ah. You've never cut before huh? Well, it makes your problems go away for a while. It releases you. You don't care. And you can control the pain too. Something you can't do with the usual, normal emotional pain. Also if you hate yourself; it will bring you justice. There's lots of reasons. I do it for all of them."

I'm blown away so I'm a silent for a moment.

"If you have a lot of pain, you should try it sometimes. It really feels good." he said.

I gulp.

"Uh..."

"So should I kill myself?" Mikami asks for the third time.

"No. Light was just kidding, Mikami, it's alright..."

"But even if Light never said that... should I?"

"No, Mikami... go to bed."

Everything was so nauseating.

I tried not to think of the word 'cut.'

All I could picture was bleeding arms, and blades deepening into skin and even bloody scenes from Japanese sword movies whenever they'd stab themselves.

"If you say so." Mikami hangs up.

I feel like throwing up.

Everything was so... pressurizing.

Mail still on the line,

"Mihael?"

I'm still silent, stunned.

"Yo, Mihael, I hear you breathing."

I trail back slowly to the line, "Uh... yeah... hi... I'm uh... going to bed..."

"Oh... alright, who was that?"

"No one."

When I'm in bed I think and I think and I think.

How could anyone hurt themselves? How could anyone like it?

What if I did it?

I'd never do that!

But what if?

What happens if I do it?

How does it feel?

What's going to drive me to do it?

Wait...

I reach under my bed and throw my hand around in each direction;

I have a pocketknife under here; I know I do...

Bingo.

I breathe in.

And I play around with the switches for a moment, not taking my eyes off of it.

When I pull the knife out, I start to get a panic attack.

What is this pressure I'm feeling?

Is this how you start?

I don't want to do this! I don't want to do this! I don't want to! I don't! I don't! I don't!

Stop!

I lightly press the blade to my skin, and it feels cold from the steel.

When I finally realize what I'm doing and can't handle the screaming thoughts swirling around in my head anymore; shaking me; I throw the knife across the room, turn away to the opposite direction.

And everything goes silent.

I will never cut myself.

Ever.

December

I had turned my sixteenth year, on the second week of December.

The party, I decided, wouldn't be the biggest.

I just didn't want anything to get out of control. If I actually had added all of the kids begging me to invite them onto the guest list, the party would've had more than one hundred quests that would probably trash my house with a mess that would take years to fucking clean up. That was my biggest fear if I invited a whole ton of kids. Who wouldn't fear that shit? I mean, I'd see high school or frat parties in movies. Fuck that. I was incredibly scared of kids having sex in my room or smoking weed in there, Halle's 20,000 dollar vases being tossed around like a pigskin. Instead I told them I'm having a family party.

I invited, Mail of course, a few other kids I really liked, the football team along with Jack Neylon, Zakk, Light and Mikami over to my house for a Birthday dinner. The thing is, I felt bad for leaving Mail by himself after a few chats with him. I barely even got to talk to him, because I was too focused upon Light and Mikami. I remember when I had looked back to see what Mail was doing before I took off with Light and Mikami to my room. He was blankly staring at a piece of Turkish Delight and poking at it with his pointer finger. He looked so lonely.

Jesus, how my stomach dropped when I saw how much of a bad time he was having.

It was like I favorite Light and Mikami, which sickened me.

As I took my last glance at Mail being ignored and isolated from all the other kids, I turned back to Light and Mikami; they were rushing me and urging me to get away from everyone else, and for me, it felt so wrong, but I couldn't show it, because I was scared I'd show up as some kind of pussy. I locked the door behind me, and Light yanked Mikami's iPod out of Mikami's backpack and started to blast his freaky heavy metal.

If I was Mikami, I would sock Light straight in his stupid fucking face for invading my personal items like that, but Mikami, let Light do anything.

If Light told Mikami to get on his knees right now and suck his dick, Mikami wouldn't hesitate.

It's obvious he full on worshiped Light. I mean, he even gave him the nickname of God.

"Did you lock the door?" Mikami had sat down on the floor, crossing his legs, rustling through the rest of his backpack.

"Um, no, why?" I shot him a unwary look.

"We need to get away from the others, they aren't like us, you know what I mean?" Light joined Mikami on the floor.

I laughed. I tried to go along, but I had this feeling in my stomach that this was all wrong, isolating all my other guests. Not once did I do this kind of shit, I would usually be polite and talk to everyone. That's what Rod and Halle taught me to do, and now being away from that lifestyle I felt as guilty if I just murdered them all.

"Okay... so what are we doing? Just chilling...?" I walked over to my door like a zombie and clicked the lock shut.

"Yeah, you can say just chilling." Mikami shrugged, and looked at Light. Both nodded.

"Your parents are all the way back in the kitchen, right?" Mikami took out a his wallet and took out a two of his credit cards. He gave Light his hundred dollar bill, "God, take my bill. I want you to have the most fancy expensive experience."

"Why, thank you Mikami." Light's voice was pompous.

What the fuck is going on?

Mikami then proceeded to take out a plastic zip-lock bag.

A zip-lock bag of white.

I think you get the gist.

"What's that?" I was bluffing.

Of course, I completely knew what was in the bag.

"Coke, dude, no biggie." Light said. Something about Light always calmed me down, and gave me assurance. He made everything sound alright.

So if it wasn't Light who told me doing cocaine was 'okay', I would've said the next thing completely scared out of my mind.

"Yeah, cool, okay." I tried keeping a rather calm tone, "Are you going to snort it...? In here?"

"Who cares Mihael? Your dad probably snorts cocaine everyday."

"Look, he quit in '97... and that really doesn't mean Rod's not going to smack us so hard that our mothers won't even recognize us..."

"It's cool, the door is locked... Your parents are in the kitchen, they don't know we're in here." Mikami started to unzip the bag.

"Yeah, last time I checked that isn't code for time to snort cocaine." I joked. They didn't take me serious, and guffawed.

I'm not going to fucking lie, I was so scared.

These were hard drugs.

You get addicted? You're fucking done.

Your stomach disappears, you lose tremendous amount of weight, you get bad headaches, tremors and you get serious case paranoia.

Hell, that's not even all of them.

"Sit down, Mihael and stop stalling, let's not wait for the grass to grow." Light ordered. I sat down across from them, shaking up again.

"Hey, move your coffee table over here, will ya?" Mikami gestured.

I'm fucking 16 years old.

This wasn't what I should be doing.

But. I was the one who let it happen. I was the one who listened, and the one who hadn't said anything. I was the one who let them control me. I was the one who pushed my coffee table over to my rug, and, hell, I wasn't the usual guy who let people tell me what to do. This was because I cared about what they thought.

Why? I could never really acknowledge. But whatever I did with them, made me the fucked up person I am today.

At least it made me learn that if I kept kidding myself like this around Light, caring what Light thought, I wouldn't end up myself, not by just snorting fucking cocaine like a rock star junkie, but in the worst way by not knowing who I really am, and meant to be.

I had just become Light's little reckless confused worshiper. I didn't want to end up like Mikami. Worshiping Light didn't end well for him.

No one should want to end up like Mikami.

This is when Mikami starts to pour the contents out on the coffee table, and Light starts to take Mikami's credit cards to chop them up into three separate lines.

I gulped.

What the fuck am I doing?

Mikami takes out a few more bills, wraps it up into into a cylinder and hands me one, I take it and Mikami turns to Light, who's done with the lines.

I slowly sit inside the gap between Light and Mikami, trying my hardest not to piss myself from the pressure. (Which was seriously scaring me to fucking death.)

"God, can you give me the bag? I want to make me two more lines."

I clenched whenever Mikami called Light, God.

"Whoa, whoa, two more lines?" I flabbergasted.

"This isn't my first time." Mikami gave the bag a malicious grin.

"Wait, what, how come Mihael and I only get one, Mikami?" Light squints at him.

"First timers should start out with one." Mikami nodded in approval at his two new lines, "Or else you guys will be seriously fucked."

"Look, I don't mean to sound like the party pooper, but seriously, I don't think this is a good idea..." I finally burst.

"Dude, cocaine is good. Just teach yourself how to survive the depression and sleep patterns when the come down hits you and you'll be a pro at it in no time." Mikami shrugs it off.

"Stop being a pussy, Mihael, I shouldn't expect this shit from someone with a dad who's the leader of a mafia." Light rolled his eyes.

How the fuck is this not bothering you at all Light?

You're fucking insane!

Okay... think... I'll just do it once tonight... If they invite me in the future, I'll just tell them I have too much homework. But shit, once already should be enough.

If my thin knowledge on drug science is correct, this is obviously going to mess with my Dopamine and Serotonin pathways, which will make me fucked either way.

It's mixed with all that shit, euphoria, pleasure, compulsion, sleep pattern, cognition, mood.

Rod's definitely going to notice, he's done it for ten years straight.

Fuck.

We all took a drag at the same time.

Oh, hell, did my nose burn at the first snort.

I tried to breathe in but there was a rigged lump in my chest, preventing me to complete my deep breathing technique.

I panicked and sniffed as hard as I fucking could to get the rest of it up my nostrils.

Sniff.

Sniff.

Snuff.

I only remember the quick euphoric buzz and my veins rushing at the highest rate I've ever felt flow, my heart pace started to pace faster and faster. It gave me a drip at the back of my throat.

I was all clenched up and shaking.

I forgot where I was.

I was looking down before I had inhaled again, leaving me only zoned out at my white line, feeling like a train hit just me.

When I had finally snapped out of it, I flipped. Happiness and fear had collided.

"Holyshit! Thatwassofuckingawesome!" My voice suddenly went twenty times more rapid.

I bent back down and positioned the bill to my left nostril again.

"Don't forget to press your thumb to the opposite nostril, idiot." Mikami reminded me.

"See? It's not bad." Light gave out giggle.

Sniff.

Sniff.

Snuff.

After a few more, I started to hear a strange ringing through my head.

I shook violently once more.

"So this is what you did all last year with college kids? Feels so great." Light giggled.

"Oh, hell yeah..." Mikami bent down for another quick snort.

"Then you got expelled for selling it, huh?" Light violently brushed off the bottom of his nose.

"Yeah, they searched me down.. found it and then I got the boot." he sighed.

"Man, I can't believe they expelled you, forthis? Thisisgreat!" I smacked Mikami on the back.

"They don't understand nothing!" Mikami laughed before dunking in for his last line.

Light and I proceeded to do the same.

Sniff.

Sniff.

Snuff.

Sniff.

Sniff.

Snuff.

Gone.

"Ohshit! Minesallgone!" I reached for the bag which was next to Mikami's elbow but Mikami jerked it away as if he was choreographed.

"Whoa! Easythere, hot shot. Youwannadieonyour Sweet Sixteen? You wish." Mikami gave a wicked witch of the west kind of laugh.

My eyes bulged in anger, and just when I thought my heart wouldn't race any faster from all that speed – long story short – it fastened in a way I can't remember to describe anymore.

All my joints were jerking, jumping and pulsating. I stared at my fingers shaking in every direction.

I took a glance at Mikami and Light. They both had glassy eyes.

"Are you guyssupossedto have glassyeyes?" I shook.

"Duh. Youhaveglassyeyestoo." Mikami punched me.

I shivered even harder.

Shit.

With the huge rush, you get a over inflated ego. You think you're the shit. You think you're the boss of everyone around you. You say what you want to say without any hesitation or thought put into it. If someone annoys you, you tell them. If you wanna make out with someone, you go for it. If want to get into a fist fight, you do it. You don't think of the consequences, you just become less afraid of everything overall.

After a good ten minutes, all three of us were finally a bit calmer.

The downside is, is that we felt like shit. It's called the "come down."

"Am I supposed to feel like I wanna kill myself?" Light sighed, annoyed.

I wanted to ask the same thing.

"Yeah. Oh, by the way, prepare not to get any sleep tonight. This is your first time." Mikami did an evil laugh.

"Ugh." Light fell over from exhaustion, "Someone bring me some potato chips and some porno mags to jack myself off to sleep to."

"Should we clean up?" I exhaled, rubbing my temples for comfort.

"Shit!" Mikami suddenly started to violently shove all the contents on the coffee table into his bag. The zip lock bag, credit cards, bills, wallet, even some left overs of the powder flew inside.

Closing his bag, he started to drag his hands over the tabletop to slide the extra coke dust off onto my sheepskin carpet.

Wow, great idea.

I know it's white, but, fuck, now I have to vacuum, thanks a lot Mikami.

"I hear footsteps!" Light sprung up from his hopeless moping with a scream.

I ran as fast as I could into my closet to get a few cans of soda out of the mini fridge and picked up a deck of cards from under my bed.

I wiped my nose a few more times just in case and sat down beside the other two, when the door had a loud knock.

I winced, paranoid it was Halle or worse, Rod.

Light and Mikami were paralyzed.

I opened the deck of cards and scattered them around the table and Light and Mikami started to open the cans of harmless soda.

"W-Whoisit?" my voice was still stimulating.

"Mail?" there was a questionable giggle caught in his throat.

"Oh. Coming."

I gave out a breath relief.

Mikami and Light start to put a fair amount of cards into their hands to make it look like we're playing a game of poker.

I do the same in a jiffy and run over to open the door for whatever Mail wanted.

"What are you doing? Everyone's looking for you." he said with a smile. He was always smiling. Mail's smiling face always gave me hope, it always cheered me up.

But this time, my mind was racing in panic elsewhere.

"J-Just.. playing Go Fish." I jitter, caustically walking back to sit next to Light.

I take the cards back into my hands, "W-Who's turnisit, guys?"

I wanted to smack myself silly when I noticed my hands were still trembling in the open just by holding up lightweight paper cards.

"Go fish." Mikami drops a card onto the table with shaking fingers and takes a sip from his pop can.

"Mihael?" Light nudged me.

"What?" I pushed, but Light leaned over closer.

"These are tarot cards." he drawled into my ear with a hushed tone.

I looked down and scanned over the cards in my hands.

Queen of Pentacles, The Magician, Death, Wheel of Fortune, The Sun.

Fuck.

He scanned us over, and his grin faded, into a shocked, suspicious face.

Oh, shit.

I cautiously tried to breathe in through my nose if there was any clues under it.

Mikami started to wipe his nose when he noticed me attempting to do my last minute check up.

Light instantly looked away and took a sip of his cola.

It was terrifying; Mail had never looked at me this way before.

Mail started to squint closer at our noses.

Light rolled his eyes as he noticed Mail's investigation.

"Go away, loser." Light snarled. Mikami stayed silent from his own paranoia.

I guffawed, "Yeah, Mail, seriously, just fuck off."

Mail's face now transformed into shock and hurt.

"Um, okay." I remember before he went out the door all Light and I did was laugh.

For the rest of the night I was frozen from the look Mail shot me. It's been 7 hours after the cocaine but, I was still in my "come down" phase Mikami told Light and I about.

But it didn't stop me from writing about sick fucked up shit in my notebook like I did every night. I don't remember the story I was writing, but I think it revolved around some schizophrenic guy who brutally drove over two construction workers.

Light was on a futon next to my bed, spending the night. He was writing with me, in his usual black lined notebook.

"What are you writing about?" he asked with a dreamy voice. It had a strange diabolically evil tone to it.

I snickered, "Murder. What are you writing about?"

"Murder."

We laughed in unison.

"Are you writing fictional deaths?" Light asked afterward.

"Yeah. The characters are fictional. Are you?" I leaned over the edge of my bed to look at him.

He chewed on the leftovers of my party's potato chips.

"I'm pretending like my notebook can kill people if you write their full names and obituary inside it. I'm writing about deaths of all the kids I hate at school." his face was boastful.

"Jeez. You're one sick puppy." I frowned and flopped back up onto my mattress.

Light yawned with a stretch, "I am justice." he corrected.

After we had lights out, I had anxiety overwhelm me.

The cocaine was still in my system, and I was rolling around rapidly non stop, my vision blurry.

Mail was supposed to stay the night as well, but he declined he actually 'agreed' when Halle had asked him why he was going home after the party.

When I snuck out to get Light his potato chips only about ten minutes after Light and I told him to fuck off, I tip toed over to the kitchen praying to God Satan and Buddha, that Rod wouldn't see me, because Rod would definitely beat the shit out of me if he found out I just did cocaine, and I was obviously still noticeably fucked up on it.

When I opened the fridge to get a chocolate milkshake for myself, I spotted Mail and Halle chatting at the front door and my stomach knotted.

"Hey, Mail, honey, your mom is picking you up? This early?I thought you were spending the night?"

"Oh sorry, Mrs. Ross, I never said I could spend the night, I don't think I can, Maybe Mihael forgot to tell you."

Halle looks concerned but she opens the door for him, and gives a tainted smile.

"Sorry, again..." he trailed out the door, with an apologetic smile.

He never said bye to me. He always said bye to me.

I bet he hated me.

And he should have hated me.

I felt so sick that I treated Mail like a piece of shit.

Around two in the morning, I ran over to the bathroom to throw up from my anxiety attack and the cocaine's come down.

I didn't sleep the whole night when I had stopped puking.

Again the cocaine kicked.

I didn't stop squirming around in bed.

I thought I didn't need sleep, I thought it was perfectly fine that night to stay up and just think about things.

All I wanted, was cocaine again.

The craving spun endlessly like a broken record inside my head.

One more time and that's it.

One more time and that's it.

One more.

Time.

And that's.

It.

But unfortunately, it didn't work out that way.

Next Thursday, Light was talking about Whammy's Christmas Winter Formal. He convinced me to go, he convinced the Football team, tennis team, and obviously Mikami.

I called Mail up, wondering if he could come or if he wants to ask anyone.

Mail said he didn't want to come, and hung up.

I know he didn't really want to be around me anymore.

He still surprisingly talked to me the week after my birthday, but neither did he seem too comfortable around me.

I felt like shit whenever I saw him walk down the hallway, and just smile blandly if we met eyes, (which I didn't even deserve from him,) instead of the usual hand slap, verbal greeting or whatever.

Biggest Change | Mid December

I came home, giddy that after tomorrow, was going to be the start of Winter Vacation, probably my most favorite Holiday Vacation. I loved snow, I loved Christmas, and two weeks off, It was just so giddy. Usually when I got home, mom was waiting for me in the kitchen to give me food, and the television was on, and she would be chatting loudly on the phone. But it was dead quiet when I got back.

Clueless, I started to call for mom. I heard Rod's muffled voice.

"Dad?"

"Yeah, I'm home." he called back.

He doesn't get back until ten.

Something was definitely up.

"Why? Where's mom?"

"I'm home too." she said. They were in their bedroom.

"Why are you both here?" I asked.

"Um, there's been a problem, and we're discussing and trying to solve the problem." she continued. I made my way down the hallway.

"What's the problem?" we all faced each other.

They both paused.

For a second, I thought that they found out about the cocaine.

Then, they both glanced back at each other, uneasy.

"No. I'm getting this over with. We can't live like this, we can't wait any longer," dad announced briefly. His voice was shaking, which made me scared out of my wits. Rod's voice never shook.

"Mihael, you're going to Russia this summer." Halle interrupted, before Rod can speak again.

"Huh?"

"Oh, okay, make it harder, be a bitch!" Dad started to yell at her.

"I have to do everything around here! I'll do the talking! This is not your decision! Being a bitch about this is the better way around! Put yourself in his position, you wouldn't want it shot out at you!" I think I saw her tear up a bit, while she was screaming back.

I interrupted them both before I

"Are you getting a divorce?!" My voice cracked.

"No, no!" Halle moaned sympathetically.

"No, that's not it." Rod shook his head surprised.

"Why am I going to Russia? Why are you yelling?" I cried.

"We had gotten a letter, from a special someone that they would like to see you." she tried saying it encouraging and happy, but it came out more urged.

"Who's the special someone in Russia?" I said utterly confused.

"Your mother." dad blurted out. Mom whacked him. He didn't wince though, Mom couldn't hit, even if she tried hard to.

"Mom's right here?" I raised my eyebrows.

Dad snapped over to mom, from impatient annoyance,

"You know, we should have told him when he knew what words meant. Like, age four? See how pathetic you made us?" he groaned and sat down on their bed, burying his face in his hands.

Mom didn't say anything. It was like an assurance she couldn't argue to, because he was right.

"Tell me what? Please just let it out, I'm confused, and tired... Please don't get a divorce, I don't want us to be apart." I remember I was sobbing a bit too loudly.

"Mihael, for the last time we are not getting a divorce, Me and your mother... we just sometimes disagree on things, okay? It doesn't mean we are getting a divorce, so don't bring that up anymore... It's a kinda scary." he assured me.

"Um... not me... your other mom." she continued quietly.

"I don't have another mom." I knit my eyebrows, wiping my cheeks off with my sleeve.

"Mihael, I am not your mother. When I mean your other mom, I mean your actual other mom." she said it so slowly and rationally, her eyes clenched closed.

I was stuck in the whole moment. The whole agonizing, painful explanation took about a lifetime to be stuck in, but once it whizzed by, the moment felt like it had happened years and years ago, and the shocking, shocking, speechless pain shot through me.

And it hurt. And it scared me.

I just couldn't speak.

The shock, just paralyzed my brain.

I felt sick, and nauseous. I wanted to faint.

"Y-You're not my mother? Mom, what... mom... you're my mom... you've been my mom since December 12th, what are you talking about?" I threw in a few laughs in that sentence, I was trying to feed myself something to believe. I still don't remember what I wanted to believe in, but there was a burn of want striking through me. I still wasn't getting what they were trying to tell me. This little thought had buzzed in the back of my head that they really weren't my real parents, and that they had just told me the truth, but I ignored it because I mainly tried to prove to myself that scary nonsense like this couldn't be actually true in any way or be even possible.

"I've been your adoptive mother since February 10th, Irina Keehl, has been your birth mother since December 12th."

My head spun, and my stomach dropped, and I shook.

"Who?!" my tears started to swell again. I couldn't believe any of what came out of her mouth, that all I just let out was a simply word, instead of the mess I really wanted to say.

"Your biological mother." dad said.

Each word they were saying was like a blow to the head to me.

"No, she's not... Halle Bullock is my biological mother, and you're my biological father... why are you saying such things? Mom... dad's trying to be funny again..." I cried.

"I'm not mom... I'm Halle." she had this tone that I couldn't forget as well. It can replay in my head perfectly to this day, probably because it was that last blow I took to the head to make me realize, that she is not my real mother, and Rod wasn't my real father. It was like a sad, sorry tone that said "I give up."

I burst.

"You lied to me, for sixteen years? You lied to me, and fed me bullshit, that I was your own child? You adopted me from someone and didn't bother to tell me for fifteen years that I was adopted? Did you forget? Did you forget that I wasn't the child you really milked, or gave birth to? No? So I guess, if you didn't forget you lied, to me, for fifteen straight years, and tell me now, when my real mom, who I haven't even heard of wants to see me now?"

"Yes." was all she could say, tired, and weak. She didn't deny anything. That's what I liked about mom, she gave up when It was really all fairly over. She didn't keep pushing more crap onto people.

"I'm adopted?!" I cried harder, that my voice started to skip.

"Yes." she whispered.

"You're not my real parents?" I said more in denial, now. I couldn't let it go. It was like a sorrowed mood swing, to be exact.

"Yes." they both said.

No. Let's go back, let's go back, tell me it was a lie, tell me we'll be okay!

"Fuck you! Fuck you! Go to hell."

And, I ran to my room; slammed the door. It felt like I've been shot through the head, but I was still alive, feeling the full blow, and bullet, make its way through my head, painfully. I guess from that point, I somehow knew I wasn't a mentally healthy person at all. It all broke to me, that I was fucked up all along. I guess that was the beauty of it.

I couldn't look at them. I couldn't talk to them. I couldn't bare that I was living in the same house. I was pretty sure I was living a lie up to this point, and I felt damned, and betrayed. After I locked myself in my room, They haven't bothered me since the fight, and I could understand why. I remember how glad I was they actually acknowledged that this really wasn't a time to talk about things. I wanted to be left alone.

I felt like dying.

I felt like Mikami did when he called me on the phone that one night.

Though, instead of jumping to my death; I thought I'd give myself a chance to breathe another few years.

But it didn't stop me from hurting myself.

That's when I started to cut.

I didn't start with the brutality that followed later; I had my first decent three cuts done in my bed, with the same pocket knife I tried to experience the pain the last time.

I let the blood trickle down my forearm, staring at the scarlet reservoir running down my flesh.

It... did... it calmed me down.

Mikami was right. Cutting helped get everything better.

Everything makes sense now... Whenever something goes wrong... I'll just cure it by cutting myself...

Aftermath of Change | December

After releasing the pain, I huffed a long sigh on my bed, I sobbed myself asleep. I couldn't take the fact that two people I cared most about lied to me for all this time. That I really wasn't their beloved son. Not their real baby. Even though I was longing to forgive them, wanting everything to be the same as usual, wanting to forget that I didn't have to go see the stranger that called herself my mother; I wanted revenge, I wanted to ignore them, I didn't want to talk or see them.

I thought they were the reason I self harmed. I felt like they were the reason I pulled the blade out.

Of course I was wrong, but I honestly believed they were the reason I wanted to kill myself back then. As I said; I was really fucked up and snobby. Of course it wasn't Halle and Rod's fault.

I woke up Friday morning, eyes puffy, radiantly sad, red cracked veins inside them. In twelve long hours, I finally came out of my room. I shuffled to the kitchen. The environment of the whole house? It didn't feel the same. It still doesn't feel the same, though I've changed and accept this with all my heart, now. My wrists pierced and stung with pain. Clenching my teeth, trying to tolerate the stinging, I started to plaster the wounds over with band-aids. It took about four bandages to cover all three long cuts along my wrist.

And of course this had to be bad timing.

"M-Mihael?" Halle stepped into the kitchen, eyes puffy and red like mine. I have never seen her cry before, and this is the first time I have seen her from an aftermath of crying. I still haven't seen her shed a tear in front of me, though here I was seeing what she was like after a cry. I looked down in dead silence, an evil glare attacking the floor. I was ignoring her. It was hard, but I was trying my hardest to make her suffer from my silence.

"What happened to your arm? Why was it bleeding?"

Her tone was like an innocent little girl's that didn't understand why fucked up things happened in this fucked up world. I broke at the concerned innocence she was feeding down my conscience's throat,

"N-nothing!" I forced through my teeth, tone angry, and hurt.

"No! No! Don't you give me that! Something happened!" Tears rimmed her eyes. I jumped from her raised voice.

"I just fell, and skinned it... I fell off my top bunk... Sorry..." I tried my best not to stare up into her hurt eyes, but she was like a force that made you guilty, that you couldn't stop from looking at.

"Oh... Okay..." her innocent tone came out of her mouth again. I winced. It was like she knew, but was trying to tell herself more than anything it wasn't true her son abused himself like that. What was I talking about? I'm not her son... Though she still loved me like her own, and cared for me like I was her own. It all confused me why she didn't take the time to tell me the truth I wasn't really hers. It would've saved us all that hurt. Nothing was the same now because of her. Yes, I was positive back then that this was mostly her fault. Rod even admitted that telling me was needed earlier. She didn't.

I poured myself some Frosted Flakes, munched on them in pure silence, ignoring her stupid questions.

"How are you...?" Fuck you. You should know I'm not fine.

"Is everything okay...?" Fuck you. Of course it's not. Why would it be, stupid?

"Why are you ignoring me...?" Because. I hate you.

"How's school...? You ready for the... dance today...? Did you get a date...?"

Don't change the subject, School didn't do this to me. School didn't turn me into a train wreck.

I finished my cereal, and rushed to my room, slamming the door shut.

Another wave of guilt washed over me. I just ignored Halle, hurt her, and left her there, confused. Plus, I didn't do my homework. I ALWAYS did my homework. This was the first time I slacked off to do it. Actually, I don't even know how I can call this "slacking off" I was too mentally unstable to do it... I was busy... self harming... watching my own blood run down, staining pale red shades over my shining clear skin. It was no longer perfect. It was cut up. It was sliced. And only three cuts did the job. Everything was guilt. Everything.

Each incision carried my personal hell.

Halle, the scars I left on me, the undid homework that counted much on my grade. Everything was changing. It was the first time, and this wasn't a good first time.

For the first time, It wasn't nice to be me. Mihael Keehl's perfect little life, was no longer perfect.

It was like taking Barbie out of her perfect playhouse mansion, and perfect life and friends. Away from Kelly, Ken and all her other Barbie perfect friends, and cutting her plastic throat off her plastic perfect toned body with rusty scissors. That's how I felt like. An old, abused Barbie doll, that every new emo Tween did to her old favorite toy in the end. She loved it when she was little, until she grew up and Barbie was no longer cool so she decided to dissect her. Now, none of Barbie's friends wanted to be Barbie anymore, I mean, she no longer had her head on her shoulders, her flashy designer clothes were no longer on her back. She was a naked plastic thing without a head collecting dust in an attic or rotting in a basement.

Same with me. No guy should no longer want to be me, or befriend me. No longer want to be the popular MVP, the one who gets perfect grades, all these girls asking me to dates and dances, parties, the guy who balanced all of this and still had great friends and a great chances to go to a fancy prep high school down in Manhattan. Because he wasn't really like that in reality anymore.

I was a washed up, headless Barbie.

I lost my perfect life.

Because, I scarred myself. Because I fucked up.

After pulling on jeans, and a shirt, I zipped up a hoodie, and pulled its hood over my head so far down it stretched over my eyes. I looked like some kind of dangerous crack dealing gang member. I felt like shit. I didn't want to wash my face, freshen up, or even put antiseptic over my stinging infected cuts. I just grabbed my untouched backpack with my untouched homework from yesterday, hauled it over my shoulders, and pulled out the dark Ozzy sunglasses from the back of my closet, (I dressed up as Ozzy for Halloween last year,) and placed the lenses over my stupid baggy, red, puffy eyes.

I didn't want everyone to see me like this. I didn't want everyone to see the headless Barbie.

I grabbed an energy drink out of the fridge, still ignoring Halle eating her beacon, eggs and coffee at the table.

"Whoa, you're ready earlier than I expected... I'm supposed to drive you to school, and I'm not even done eating..." she said a bit brash.

"Rod!" I called. I had never called Dad, 'Rod' before up until that point. All because Light was a bitch to his parents, I somehow started to think it was real cool for being such a jerk to mine. Rod stumbled out of the guest room, rubbing his eyes, his muffled tone piping up into the kitchen. My stomach dropped. He slept in the guest room tonight. Halle and him had a fight.

Like when he would come home drunk at one in the morning, she'd be worried sick all night and stay in the kitchen.

When he would come home, she was there, waiting for him, cooking something at one in the fucking morning to get her mind off of things. I'd be upstairs in my room, listening to the whole fight.

Halle raised her eyebrows at me in shock. I was acting like a total douche, but I felt totally cool at that moment.

"Yeah?"

"Drive me to school." I said dryly. It wasn't even a question. Rod's eyes widened.

"A-a-alright... I'll be out in a second."

"Um, okay, where is Mihael Keehl and what have you done with him? Because what I see here is a total bitch." Halle sharpened her words at me. I rolled my eyes, and just mumbled a "Shut up." I was pushing my luck.

"What did you just say?!"

"Nothing."

Halle huffed and went back to her breakfast. This was the first time Dad ever drove me to school. I sipped an energy drink in the backseat.

"Jeez, Mihael, you're acting like a chick on her period..." Rod grumbled.

Silent treatment.

I watch the school's driveway close up by my window. I clicked open the door once the car was three feet away from the curb, still moving its tires along the concrete.

"Whoa! Whoa! What the hell, I was still driving, Mihael!" he yelled in annoyance.

Silent treatment.

"Have a great day." he said, almost sarcastic. I slammed the door with all I fucking had.

I felt cool acting like jerk at school too.

Though Light and Mikami made me angrier than any other kid that day.

"Yo, hotshot!" Light smacked me on the back, as I twirled around for my combination.

"Hey. How was the come down?" Mikami trailed behind him, his breath smelling heavily of toothpaste and bourbon.

He's been drinking his father's hidden basement stash in the mornings.

"Shut the fuck up." I barked hoarsely, once I opened up my locker.

"Whoa, someone woke up at the wrong side of the bed todayyy." Light laughed, licking the Breakfast yogurt off of his plastic spork.

Silent treatment.

I tried virtual breathing in and out inside my mind.

That doesn't work.

Anger boiling up in my blood.

Light waited for my response while he ate his strawberry-banana yogurt they sell in the cafeteria.

Mikami stayed silent. He was probably high off of something, in the first place.

"What's with the emolicious look, man?" Light laughed between swallows of the dairy, "Do you cut yourself, now?"

That was it.

"Fuck off, Light!" I snatched the spoon out of his hand and threw it across the hall.

Light jumped.

"Whoa man, calm down..." Mikami piped up, concerned.

"Sorry... Shit at home." I mumbled.

"'Skay, man, just cut out the emo act..." Light narrowed his eyes.

"Stop calling me that." I grabbed my needed textbook and binder, and we all started walking towards Biology.

Oh yeah, did I mention, perfect timing? Why did Mail decide to forgive me today?

"Hey Mihael!" he smiled his award winning giddy smile.

I was too depressed to say anything, and my Ozzy glasses blocked out my eyes, so it was impossible for anyone to tell where I was even looking.

Believe me, if I was my normal self, I would've rushed to him and gave him a tight hug, saying, "I missed you, please don't be mad at me again."

"Shut up, loser." Light hissed. I stayed silent this time.

It looked like I approved it, doing absolutely nothing to stop him from hurting my best friend. I saw it, ignored it and just let it happen.

Mail's smile faded once again, my heart tearing into pieces one more. I swore to myself if that ever happened again, I'd kill the one responsible.

I hated myself for doing nothing, feeling terrible just watching his smile collapse into a frown, though was glad for doing nothing because I was jealous. Jealous he could be happy. Jealous he was always happy. Watching Mail drown in sorrow was on the other hand perfect that day.

Sad he was hurt, happy he wasn't happy anymore.

Finally glad we were trailing away from Mail, no longer to torture myself with his fading grins, Mail spoke up.

After all those months of taking bullying from Light, and me doing simply nothing to stop him, he spoke up.

"Hey, Light?" his phlegmy voice spoke up.

Proud, craving for a swift reaction, longing for a comeback, shaking for the attention. I'll never forget that tone. It was one of the first times he used that kind of tone.

Light turned his head back over to Mail. So did Mikami. I just kept my neck drooping down, eyes dilating at my sneakers, not wanting to look at anyone.

"What?" Light drawled back.

"Fuck you." Mail spluttered out.

I turned around, astonished, feeling as if the glasses that were hiding my true complexion were going to slide off my face and unravel everything. My hurt, my surprise, my anger. I turn around to see Mail's middle finger up, directing to all of us.

I thanked Satan that I decided to wear the glasses this morning.

I thanked Buddha that Mail couldn't see the utter surprise my eyes had contained.

I thanked God that Mail finally stood up to us.

I still looked like a heartless robot outside, and I was somewhat loving it. I still had the poker face over my lips, and I was somewhat proud of keeping it plastered.

But on the inside I was detonation;

On the inside, I was sobbing, on my knees, my lips forming into a wretched frown.

I was telling him how sorry I was for fucking up. I was telling him how sorry I was for being alive.

"And as for you," Mail turned directly to me, his hazel burning eyes burned fiercely, "I thought I could expect better from YOU. I don't know who you are anymore..." his voice shook.

For a second I thought tears rose into his eyes, but maybe it was just a guilty hallucination.

Mail turned around and marched to class, and that was that. Funny how shocking things happen so fast, but last forever when you're in the middle of them in action.

Out of force, I sniffled. I wanted to break down and cry so badly. Hearing this, Light turned to me.

"Don't listen to him. You are who you are." he said with simplicity.

I wanted to sock him in the mouth.

Did Light ever have any guilt for anything?

Silent treatment.

Steaming tears.

Heartburn.

Fantasy of my own crimson blood, running down my wrists.

A wist of death.

TO BE CONTINUED, or else, hell, the chapter would be way way way too long. Plus I'm not done with the last part; I mean it's written in my notebook; but not typed up yet.

Well, I'll see you guys either next week; or in probably two or three days, I don't know.

But I hope ya'll are excited for the Part 2 of this chapter/Mello's past

I'm also so excited about the events that happen after Mello is done telling Near his story; I hope you are too.

Hint hint spoiler: [some cute fluffy stuff]

- Jihad