Author's note: Yes, I misled you last chapter on purpose. I wanted you to feel exactly the way she would. If I caused you respiratory or cardiac distress…it is for OUR HOLY ART, friends.

As always, my love to all you lovely readers.

Chapter 5

Castle wheedles her into coming over for dinner that night with the combined persuasions of home-cooked food, good wine, keeping him company since the loft is otherwise empty for the evening, and the vague promise of something sinfully chocolatey for dessert, though her won't say what. And if she's honest with herself, Kate knows, half the reason she says yes is because for a few seconds this morning she thought he was a cold corpse surrounded by evidence markers and every time she shuts her eyes, she sees that sheet-covered body that still looks so much like him it physically hurts.

She pretends it's for the chocolate. Because she knows he's still a little worried about her.

He refuses to let her help with anything, merely pours wine and tells her to sit as he cooks. Dinner is quiet and pleasant and delicious, and as she watches him puttering and stirring and seasoning, Kate can't remember how long it's been since anyone except Castle has cooked for her.

"Here. Have a little more, you've barely eaten."

"No! It's delicious, Castle, but I'm full. Stop trying to fatten me up." She threatens him with her fork, because he's trying to get her to take thirds when she already feels full and as he attempts a hurt puppy expression (which she'll never admit to him actually does work on her most of the time) and sends her into a fit of laughter, Kate finds herself wondering what her mother would think of Castle.

(She's lying to herself. She figured out long ago that had the two of them met, Johanna would have absolutely loved Rick Castle and immediately started dropping subtle hints like So Katie, when's the wedding? and You know, Katie, when you're picking out baby names you have to consider the husband's name. Take Castle, for example…)

After dinner, he settles her on the couch and brings in more wine and some type of deliciously decadent chocolate cake that's so rich she's completely full after a single bite. As he's been doing all evening, he keeps her laughing at the stupidest things imaginable. She's mellow from the food and wine, and his story of how he ended up at a book launch party with a goat, a blueberry pie and no pants has her laughing so hard she has to wipe tears away.

He watches her laugh, his eyes sparkling with delight, and she sighs, trying to catch her breath, wiping her eyes. "I don't think I can ever look at a goat again."

He chuckles. "I aim to please."

Castle has a bit of frosting on his upper lip, and before she realizes maybe she shouldn't, she reaches out and wipes it off, her thumb grazing his mouth as he inhales sharply. Her stomach flips – the touch is so intimate – but something between desperation and courage keeps her from pulling back. Because for a moment this morning, she thought she'd never get to do this.

Before she can stop herself, she kisses him very softly, light as a breath, and she wouldn't have thought it could possibly be so sweet or make her chest ache like this. His mouth is soft, impossibly smooth.

It's over before she realizes it, sitting back just far enough to catch her breath, and biting her lip as she meets his eyes. He swallows, and she can see the question forming already. What changed your mind?

"I thought I lost you. And I never got the chance to – to tell you. That I care about you."

"Oh, Kate." He pulls her close. She can feel him press a kiss to her hair, and she sighs, so glad that it's not taking a ticking bomb or locked freezer this time because she's missed this. She takes a deep breath, and he traces one hand over the line of her jaw, smiling at her flushed cheeks. "Now you know how I felt. I was a wreck."

Kate lets her fingers twine through his. "It's not – I don't think it'll be easy. I'm not perfect. I – I'm still in therapy. I still have a lot to deal with."

"I know. I don't want you to think you have to change just to be with me, Kate. You're already my whole world, exactly the way you are. And I know you're healing. I only want the best for you."

She kisses his cheek softly. "Thank you."

"We don't have to overturn everything. We already spend all our time together. Unless you want me to cover your desk in rose petals every morning – in which case I certainly will – " she can't help but laugh – "we can just take it step by step."

"I'll let you know on that one. Rose petals might add to the décor, you know."

"Done." He kisses her forehead gently, and her heart is full, because she was worried, but now that she thinks about it, is there any possible way she could be more sure?

But today she promised herself she will no longer save it for death and near-death, because by the time they get there, it will no longer matter. If she keeps waiting for everything to be perfect, she'll be waiting forever. And today she realized that she can't risk the chance that something happens to one of them before forever comes. So she runs her thumb over his knuckles and screws her courage to the sticking-place.

Because he already did.

"Rick – I have to confess – I'm so sorry – " she swallows – "I lied. When I said it's all blank. It never was. I remember it all. And I remember you saying you love me. It's the last thing I remember before everything went black. And it was the first thing I remembered when I woke up."

He's staring at her, his face unreadable, and she's suddenly afraid. What if he's angry? She lied to him. Then avoided him for three months. He has a right to resent her. Panic bubbles up in her chest, tight and fierce. "I'm so sorry, Rick. I am. Because I love you, and I shouldn't have – "

He cuts her off mid-sentence, kissing her so thoroughly her head spins, his hands buried in her hair as he presses her back into the cushions. He kisses her hungrily, his tongue exploring her mouth warmly, the taste of chocolate and wine and him stealing her breath away.

When he finally lets her go, she looks up to find him smiling, even as they both try to breathe evenly. Her heart is still hammering. "Oh, Kate. I'm not angry at you. Honestly, I tried to be. But I just – every time I see you now, every day, I just think how lucky I am to hear your voice. I had nightmares this summer. I dreamed I lost you for real. I don't think I'll ever forget your blood all over my hands."

"I had panic attacks." She squeezes his hand. "Up at my dad's cabin. I woke up one night hyperventilating so badly he wanted to take me to the hospital. It happened again a week later, but I didn't tell him."

"You were having one this morning, weren't you?"

She nods, feeling her hair rustle against his shoulder as he traces slow circles absently on her arm. "For a minute, I thought you were gone. I just – I couldn't breathe."

"I'm sorry, Kate." He presses a kiss to her temple. "Don't you worry. I'm right here."

"As if I could get rid of you." Her lips curve upward into a smile, because he's alive and warm and she never, ever wants to leave the circle of his arms.

He laughs. "Stuck with me, Detective."

"I'll keep you."

"As long as you're sure, Kate. I don't want you to think I'm pushing you."

She smiles, tracing light patterns over his chest. "I don't think I could possibly be more sure, Castle. I know you love me. You never really managed to hide it."

That makes him chuckle. "And here I thought I was being so smooth."

"Please. You gaze at me."

"I – okay, yes. But in my defense, it's your fault. You walk in every day looking as beautiful as you do? I am compelled to gaze at you adoringly. I have no choice." She flushes, feeling him brush her hair back so he can kiss her again. "I'd do anything for you."

"I know. You already have."

Kate has never been one to delude herself – she's seen too much tragedy to think life is fair – but always is on his lips, forever is in his eyes, and besides, she's not sure but she thinks it's possible that she fell in love even before he did.

It has no resistance to sunlight.

The ruby and the sunrise are one.