A/N: Okay, this is my first Brittana fic. My first Glee fic...my first non-Harry Potter fic. So, stay with me. I hope it works out. This is just something angsty I got an idea for a story and went with it. The first chapter is really long but I needed to cover a lot and end up at a certain place so I could get done what I wanted to get done. Obviously this is the opening of Season 3/Senior year. I don't think I'll be following the new episodes when they return, but I'll try to keep things as close to the story as possible. I want to follow Santana's plotline and Brittany. Well, mainly them together. I know this is a bit choppy, but that's due to needing to get through things. I hope this doesn't suck! Probably does.

Chapter 1: Into the Night

And it had all started out so perfectly. Brittany and Artie, well, weren't Brittany and Artie. They had separated towards the end of the year and I had been lucky enough to spend almost every day with the blue eyed, blonde, bombshell that was rocking me to my core.

That should have been the first sign, really. That things felt right, they felt good. Everything had just been happening perfectly. Brittany and I…well, it was complicated. But what else was new, really? She was so easy to be around so purely good to me and for me that I never wanted to label us. It made things complicated and made other people think it was okay for them to talk about and it wasn't. What Brittany and I had was private and special just for us, not for the world.

At least, I wasn't ready to share it with the world. That had been the problem.

When summer began to come to an end Brittany wanted to talk. But not just talk, have a conversation. One I wasn't ready for.

"San," her voice was soft. Very soft. We were laying outside on the trampoline in her backyard. Her head was on my stomach my left hand intertwined in hers while my other hand played absentmindedly with her hair. I was so…content. I didn't feel any anger or angst swelling inside of me like it had been for the last few months of school. All I felt was Brittany. Her head on me, her hand in mine, her reassuring presence. It was all I wanted and needed.

"Yeah?" I replied just as softly. I could barely hear our words over the sounds of crickets chirping around us.

"I want to be with you." It was honest, out there. We had been physically intimate, especially during the summer, but never verbally. It was just too hard for me.

"You are with me." I knew that wasn't what she meant.

"Santana." She sat up and looked at me. She was leaning back, her palms bracing her upper body against the trampoline which barely whined under her fluid movements. I pushed myself up and sat cross-legged. "I want to hold your hand in the hallway and take you to dances and stuff."

"Britt," I said. But I couldn't continue. I didn't have words. I stared into those brilliant blue eyes. Those deep, beautiful eyes that were so comforting and I saw all she was feeling. The confusion as to why this wasn't so easy for me, the hurt that I may not want to be with her and the fear of laying everything out in the open.

"Santana it's our last year together."

The words stung. It was our last year of high school, true, but surely not our last year together. We had a lot of time together, we couldn't just be counting down until graduation when we had to kiss each other goodbye and move on. It couldn't work like that. My chest tightened at the thought of saying goodbye to her and my hand went to hers immediately. She squeezed my hand back, sensing my need.

This was why we worked so well together. I understood the depths of Brittany that no one else saw. The kindness and care free ways she had were endearing to me instead of off-putting like it was to others. I saw her for a gentle soul. And she understood me better than I understood myself. She knew what I felt before I did, she knew what I needed and how to fix it. We fit each other perfectly.

Why did we have to ruin it by sharing it with the world. By giving ourselves labels.

"Brittany," I paused, searching for words in the dark sky above me. "I want to be with you more than I've ever wanted anything else in my life." The words were hard to say out loud. I gently let go of her hand and pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. I was really cold all of sudden. I began to shiver. She noticed and moved closer to me. I wish she hadn't. When I was near her I couldn't think straight. Couldn't concentrate. I just needed to touch her. To connect.

"But I can't just let the world see that yet. I'm just now being able to say this to you and you're my best friend. If other people saw what we had they would," I searched for the word. "They would make it ugly with words and actions and I just can't handle that." I looked down, tears filling my eyes. I didn't want to do this right now.

"Santana they can't make this ugly. They can't touch us when we're together." She sounded so genuine. But she didn't get it. Brittany wasn't a child but she had the heart of one. Things like gender and skin color don't matter when you're a kid but as you get older people teach you labels so you can hate. Not everyone saw the world through her colorblind eyes.

"Why do we have to talk about this now?" I looked at her. I was desperate. Tears escaped my eyes and slid down my cheeks. She watched me, a pained expression on her face and she wiped the tears away.

"Because I want to be with you, Santana. I'm done hiding."

There was a finality to her voice that I had never heard before. This was my moment of truth. I couldn't meet her eyes. She got off the trampoline and walked to her house.

I sat there for what felt like years. I felt hollow. I slid off the trampoline and up the porch steps. I slid the sliding glass door back quietly. The house was silent. Asleep. The only light on in the kitchen was the light above the stove. I looked around and saw my purse sitting on the table. Not where I had left it. I slipped my flip-flops on and took the hint.

I left the Pierce household as silently as I could, got into my car, backed out of the driveway and made sure I was out of the neighborhood before I let the tears fall.

I spent the last few days of the summer getting ready. Sue always had conditioning early in the summer but that didn't mean you got to slack off for the two weeks of free time she gave you. If anything you showed up in better shape than you were at your peak during conditioning.

I jogged every morning and switched my diet back to a more healthy one. I used the exercising to keep me distracted. Brittany and I hadn't talked for three days, a record. It was getting to me. The exercise kept me more than distracted, it gave me an outlet to relieve other tensions I had been getting taken care of elsewhere.

Sex was the best it had ever been with Brittany but it wasn't the sex I missed it was the intimacy. The way I could be at my most vulnerable and it was okay that she was right there with me. The way she could be moving inside of me and causing me to lose control of everything and it not terrify me. The way we could just be content to be near each other after. Not needing to run away like I had with boys.

Still, I would be happier when school started, it would be more of a much needed distraction.

Cheerios is ridiculous. First off, I'm bumped to co-head with Becky Johnson or whatever. I get that Sue has a soft spot for Becky and so do I because of Brittany's affection for her, but seriously? I've worked my ass off for four years and never been pregnant, unlike Quinn, and I'm still not recognized as top dog? Seriously? It was a fucking joke.

On the bright side Brittany was talking to me again. She was going on and on about working on Kurt's campaign. When I saw her posters I had to do a double take. They were crazy and I knew Kurt would hate them but they were so Brittany and she was so pleased with herself that I couldn't help smile and agree to help her hang them up.

Being with Brittany was the only thing I had to cheer me up. After the stunt I pulled, burning one of the purple piano's, Shue had kicked me out of Glee until I would pledge my loyalties. I was hurt, more so than I thought I would be when I walked out of the choir room. I remembered the sting of tears in my eyes and the tightening in my chest when I realized the one place I had an excuse to close to Brittany was taken away. Cheerios didn't count, it was grueling and there was no alone time.

I wasn't the head cheerleader, Brittany wasn't mine and now I didn't have Glee. I should have known that as soon as it got perfect it would just come crumbling down on top of me.

I hung up a poster and smiled at Brittany. She flashed me her brilliant smile and my heart fluttered. It took nothing for her to make me feel anything and I loved that and feared that about her. I felt like she held my heart right in her hand when we were together and I was terrified she was going to show it off to the world.

Kurt approached us and was horrified. He yelled at Brittany and they exchanged an argument before he stormed off, yelling for us to take the posters down. She looked so crestfallen. I couldn't have that. I couldn't have her so upset when things were just all around horrible. Maybe I was being self, because I just wanted to see her smile, but when I told her she was a unicorn, I sincerely meant it.

Her face brightened up with a smile that was infectious. I felt my lips spread wide. I was grinning like an idiot, but it didn't matter as long as she looked at me like that. She offered her my pinkie and I took it gratefully. My body relaxing at the touch and we went on our way. I knew she was going to Glee club.

I left her at the end of the hall. I couldn't stand to walk to the door and see them all and not be allowed to join. Was Cheerios worth this? I didn't get all the attention in either clubs but at least in Glee I felt…loved. Accepted.

And I had Brittany.

I was home doing homework. Bored. So bored. I laid my head on my desk and closed my eyes. My phone buzzed on the desk causing me to lurch to attention. My neck ached at the fast movement and I winced. I was going to be so pissed if it was Puck.

Brittany. My heart fluttered. I opened the message.

Wanna come over? I have an idea and need ur help.

I smiled. I had missed her texting me. Missed being at her house and spending all my free time with her. Cheerios and school kept me busy, but not busy enough. Brittany wasn't just something I could be distracted from. She was a gaping hole when she wasn't there and everything else when she was.

Be right there.

And I was out the door without a word.

"So, you wanna run for senior class president?" He face was lit up with the type of enthusiasm Brittany only gets when she has a wonderful idea or when we're about to do a Glee club competition.

"Isn't it a great idea?" She stood up from her bed. She had been sitting on her knees. I was standing at the foot of her bed, arms crossed, looking at her a bit lost.

"Well, yeah, Britt, if you really want to do it." I wasn't sure how to respond. Sure, Brittany was sociable and popular enough but did she really understand what being class president meant? Don't get me wrong. Brittany isn't stupid. Far from it, she's just really, really, really…outside of the box. Very unique and simple in her thinking. Not simpleton thinking, but simple in a way that she doesn't complicate things with all of the baggage the rest of the world does. She accepts them or changes them.

"I do. You know there hasn't been a female president for six years. I looked it up. And the world, like, is in bad shape." I smiled at her. Of course, she had no idea that the lack of a female class president at William McKinley High School had nothing to do with the state of the government or whatever but I didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise.

"You've got my vote Brittany S. Pierce." She smiled. A full smile that made me melt. Her arms enveloped me and I fell into her completely. I needed this, needed her. Needed to touch her and remind myself that everything felt so right when she was near me.

The flash mob had been all Brittany and it went over flawlessly. Everyone had fun and the amount of support was intoxicating. We were high on her victory all day and when we ended up in her room, blasting the song from her iHome and dancing together we couldn't stop laughing. An angry yell from Mr. Pierce put an end to the music quickly though.

We collapsed on her bed, breathless. Things were good. I had sworn my allegiance to Mr. Shue after deciding being co-head wasn't worth losing Glee Club. Brittany was talking to me again and things between us were returning to normal. I rolled over into her. She instinctively allowed me to nestle into the crook of her arm. My arms were bunched underneath me as I laid half on her. My head on her shoulder, her arm wrapped around me.

She smelled wonderful. Slightly fruity from her shampoo with just a hint of her own scent which was indescribable. She just smelled like Brittany which was intoxicating. I nuzzled into her and could feel her body against me. It felt right. We hadn't been this close since the night on the trampoline.

I hesitated but only for a moment and planted a very soft kiss on her neck. It was all I could really reach at the angle and when she didn't respond except for a tightening of muscles I placed another. Then another. The another. I adjusted myself to where I was laying almost directly on top of her, kissing her neck freely and letting my breath tickle her skin before kissing delicately.

"Oh San," she exhaled into my hair, her warm breath brushing by my ear, causing me to shiver. I kissed up her neck to her jaw line and pulled back. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked at me. I smiled at her then kissed her softly on the lips. She kissed me back with more force than I had anticipated but it only sent a jolt to my lower stomach. We became heated very quickly and I found myself straddling her, trailing sloppy kisses down her neck. I just needed to touch as much of her as I could.

"Stop, San." The words caught me off guard. I continued kissing her collarbone before letting my tongue lightly rake her skin before sucking it between my lips and then kissing her neck again. She moaned and I took that as a sign to continue.

"No, Santana, stop." She pushed me away and I felt myself shut down. I felt something snap in me and I was on high alert. I couldn't look at her. I crawled off of her feeling exposed, naked, and afraid. I just stood there, shaking. I couldn't tell what was causing me to shake but I couldn't stop.

"I can't do this. You're my best friend." She stopped. I didn't know what she was saying. She had just confessed her want to be with me. Now we're just friends?

"What?" I looked at her. She looked flushed and unsure of herself, her words.

"I can't just have sex with you because it feels good, Santana. I want to be with you."

We were back on this.

"And I'm not waiting around forever."

Wait, what? She saw my confusion. She had the right to say it and I understood it. Why should she wait around for me? I was afraid and she could get anyone she wanted but here she was waiting for me to get my shit together and I just couldn't. But it still hurt. All I needed was time.

"I just need more time to work this out, Brittany." My voice was so quiet. I hadn't expected it to be that quiet. I was hugging my arms to my chest. Something was wrong. I was trembling hard and I felt nauseous. I had put myself out there and she had shut me down so fast.

"Santana," she stood up and knew something was wrong. She always knew. "What's the matter?" I made brief eye contact and the tears began flowing freely. She went to pull me to her but I pushed her away, hard. Harder than she had pushed me.

I regretted it immediately. Brittany was trying to be my friend now and I was being cold, something we never were to each other.

I felt something rising in my throat. Was I going to throw up? I picked up my Cheerios bag and slipped on my shoes and ran down the stairs. I could feel her behind me. I could feel her concern and her hurt and it caused my throat to clench.

I heard her parents question something form the kitchen but Brittany shrugged them off and followed me out the door. I had to get away. I was suffocating. The cool air hit me hard and I in haled a choked breath.

"Santana please don't go," I heard the anguish in her voice, the desperation. But I couldn't. I needed to get away. I got into my car and back out of the Pierce driveway without look back. I drove home, gasping, choking on air.

I parked my car, lopsided, in the driveway. I probably shouldn't have been driving with sobs trying to escape my throat but I couldn't concentrate on that. I needed to get somewhere safe and under my comforter was all that came to my head. I shut the door and felt something hot trickle down my face. They were tears. Falling freely. I couldn't stop them. I couldn't stop anything.

Everything was spiraling beyond my control. No, it was worse than that. I was spiraling beyond my control. I needed to be in my bed and just sob. I didn't even try to collect myself when I entered the house. I barged in the door and headed across the foyer and was about to run up the stairs when I heard my mother call from the kitchen. I ignored her but she was there before I realized she was.

"I thought you were at Brittany's?" He voice faltered at my stained face and shaking. "What's the matter?"

I wanted to fall into her arms. It wouldn't be like hugging Brittany, it wouldn't be as sacred but it would be a rare comfort I was allowed to have. There's something about seeing your mom when you feel like you're going to crack into a million pieces that makes you want to stop trying to hold it together and let her do it for you. I wanted that. I wanted my mommy.

But I was Santana Lopez. Apathetic, proud, strong, Santana.

I ignored her and bolted up the stairs to my room. I threw myself on the bed and felt everything go.

The night I had left Brittany's during summer I had cried a bit in the car but knew things would work out. We were never mad at each other for long periods of time. We seemed inseperable. But this was different. This wasn't anger, it was rejection.

And it wasn't just Brittany.

I couldn't do everything. I was so tired of being this person. So tired of being afraid. All I wanted was Brittany and I was covering it up because of what? Because of what happened to Kurt? But everyone was afraid of me. Because of what they would do? I didn't know anymore. I just knew that pretending to be with Karofsky, pretending to be with someone else, sleeping with all those guys, and denying myself who I was had taken it's toll.

Brittany had opened me up to a part of me I never knew existed until she showed me how to feel. She had led me to who I was and had been there supportive never asking for anything, never batting an eye at my selfish behavior. My need to stay private, my need to be hidden. She had nothing but patience when I tried to work through all of my baggage that she easily carried around from me without a word.

All she asked in return was for me to accept myself so she could hold my hand in public and I had denied her that. I had denied myself what I wanted and denied my best friend the love she deserved and now I had nothing but this horrible aching feeling and sobs that wracked my whole body.

I heard my door open. I didn't look up. I balled my fists into the fabric and pulled it into me as I curled up around myself wanting to block out the world. Block out this pain.

"Santana, please, talk to me, sweetie." It was my moms voice. It was strained, like she was trying not to cry.

"What's the matter?" It was my father he was in the doorway.

I couldn't look up at them. I couldn't do anything but sob into the comforter. They must have exchanged silent gestures or glances because nothing was said. I continued to sob, my chest aching. Why wouldn't it stop?

"Is this about a boy?" My mom asked.

I sobbed harder. "No," I croaked out. No stupid boy could elicit this much emotion from me. None ever had. "Brittany."

I had no idea where it came from. But I couldn't keep it in anymore. It was suffocating me. It was causing a tidal wave of emotion to crash into me and each crash would wrack my body with a new sob. I tried to gain control.

"She w-won't wait." They didn't get it. I tried to breath. I pushed myself up on my hands and tried to control my breathing.

I felt my mom move towards me. She put a hand on my shoulder. I was so grateful for the contact. I couldn't stop my chest from hitching. I was half gasping, half choking sobs, trying to breath somewhere in between.

"What won't she wait for, Santana?" It was my mom.

"Me." I whispered. I wasn't sure if they heard me or not. But my father spoke up.

"You spend far too much time with that girl. She shouldn't have this much control over how you feel." He sounded unsure. Stern. Like he wanted to help but wanted me to understand something.

I gulped air down, greedily trying to stabilize.

"What do you mean?" My mother had heard me. She spoke softly and was rubbing my back.

"She won't wait for me, mommy." It was all I could say. I pulled myself towards her and rested my head in her lap. I needed some comfort. I needed something.

"Wait for you to what?" She stroked my hair and I could feel myself coming down. My breathing was almost controlled but still erratic enough to cause me to shudder every once in a while.

I felt the words tumble out. With the admission new tears formed and began to fall into my moms lap. "I-I'm afraid. She isn't and," I breath in and hiccupped. "I'm the s-strong one and I'm afraid of what will -hhappen." I paused and let the cries wrack my body, the words were literally falling out of my mouth as fast as they could but I didn't care anymore. I felt like if I didn't get this out of me the pressure would cause my chest to explode.

I didn't feel the air change. The tension shift. I didn't see my dads jaw tighten or my mom look worried.

"I'm in love with her." My heart felt light as if someone had just removed a block of steel from my shoulders. "I'm in love with her but I'm afraid to openly be with her. I'm afraid of what will be said but I can't be without her. I can't." The trembling returned.

The room was silent. I was reflecting, calming my breathing. My mom patted me gently and stood up, making sure to take care with moving my head to a pillow. She kissed my head and rubbed the hair that had plastered to my forehead during my episode aside.

They left without saying a word. I sat in silence stunned at how easy what I had just done was. It felt so good to just say it, to just be out that I started to feel like I had been a coward for no reason. That I had been so stupid. I felt the tears well up again and didn't try to stifle them. I let them come. They were different, they weren't anguish filled cries that caused me to convulse, they were silent and I'm pretty sure they were happy.

Eventually I drifted off asleep.

The bang jerked me awake. My eyes snapped open I pulled myself into a sitting position as fast as I could. I looked around, terrified of what had made that sound. My father was in the doorway. He had slammed the door open. He was looking at me. His jaw tight.

"We need to talk." His tone was harsh. Accusatory. My heart began to pound. I loved my father. He spoiled me and over looked my behavior because I was a Cheerio and made good enough grades. He had never talked to me like this and I was terrified.

"What did you mean?"

I looked at him for a second, unsure. "What?" It came out as a croak and I swallowed a few times trying to bring some moisture to my throat. "What do you mean, what did I mean?"

My mother appeared in the door. She looked lost. Like she didn't know where to turn to.

"When you said you loved her."

My heart clenched. I had felt so good, relieved, free. Now here it was. The backlash I knew had to be there. The reason all my secrecy could be justified. But I remembered vividly the feeling of those sobs wracking my body. I couldn't lie anymore. Especially to myself.

"I said I was in love with her."

There was silence. It felt so thick I almost wanted to reach out and grab at it. See if I could hold onto it. See if I could hold onto anything. I knew something bad was coming. My stomach twisted.

"You love her."

"I'm love with her and I want to date her. I'm a lesbian."

The word felt dirty. It didn't fit right in my mouth. It was a label I had been avoiding and now that I said it I realized I still didn't like it. Lesbians always came across differently than how I felt. I may be attracted to women, I may be in love with a woman, but I didn't feel like a lesbian. Maybe that was residual fear?

I looked from my mother to my father, waiting. Heart pounding.

"Get out."

He said it so quietly I wasn't sure I heard him.

"Get. Out." He raised his voice. "Get out!"

I just sat there, staring. "Daddy?" It came out as a whimper. I saw his face harden.

"I can't have this deviance in my household, Santana, you can come home when you make better choices."

I felt a weight on my chest. A weight I thought I had lifted hours ago with my hysterical break down. I felt tears well in my eyes when I was pretty sure there was no way I had any left to give. I got up slowly and brushed off my Cheerios uniform. It was all I had and I didn't feel like I could stay here another second.

"Those keys are mine." I had just picked up my car keys from the bowl on the side table.

There was silence. I put the keys down and didn't turn to look at them. I couldn't believe this was happening.

I grabbed my purse from the table by the door as I left and didn't even bother to shut it behind me.

I wanted more than anything call Brittany but something stopped me. I wanted my best friend, not my lover Brittany. I wanted her to let me cry to her and crash at her house while I figured out my next move but I knew Brittany wasn't an option. I knew I couldn't use her anymore and drag her down with me. What if her parents found out about from my parents and kicked her out too? Then where would we be? She would hate me. Forget wanting to date me she'd never want to see my face again. There was absolutely no way I could call her.

I thought of all the other people I could call.

Quinn? No way. She was dealing with baby drama and I couldn't let her see me this torn up.

Puck? I'd probably have to sleep with him.

I drew a blank. That was it. Besides Brittany I had no one and now that I actually didn't have Brittany I realized how truly alone I was. I felt my stomach churn and my knees buckle. I fell to the concrete on my hands and knees and dry heaved. I had been crying so much I felt queasy. My cheeks burned, my knees and palms were scraped from the concrete, I was shaking from all the emotions spinning inside of my head and my chest felt like it was going to cave in on itself.

Honestly? All I wanted to do was sleep.

All I had in my purse was my wallet, some gum, make up, my phone, a hand mirror, a comb, and some random knick knacks that Brittany had stuck in there. The thought of her caused my stomach to twist. I wanted her now more than ever. That wasn't an option. I had to keep telling myself that so I wouldn't run to her and cause her as much stress as I was feeling.

A thought struck me. Mr. Shue. When he was going through his divorce he had slept in the school. There were showers in the locker rooms and there may not be beds but it was better than walking around all night. I checked my phone. It was 10:37.

I began walking.

The school was in sight. I checked my phone, it read: 11:03. I felt like I was dead. I kept on walking because I couldn't not walk. What other choice did I have? I was so tired. I wanted to curl into a ball and cry. But I couldn't right now. I was cold and weak and exposed. I needed somewhere to sleep.

I made it to the front entrance of the school and pushed on the doors, relieved.

They didn't budge.

I wanted to scream.

Why would they, school was closed. I had been so stupid. "So fucking stupid," I said to the air. My voice sounded groggy and scratchy. I looked around unsure of what to do. I was stranded, alone, with no one to go to.

How had it come to this?

I just started walking again. I wasn't sure where I was going. I let my feet carry and my mind wander. I thought of Brittany at home, curled up in her warm bed. I wished I was there with her. Just to have her arms wrapped around me. Just so I could feel next to me. Nothing sexual, just to know I wasn't alone.

I stopped walking. The football field. Of course. I looked at the empty field, then to the bleachers. I walked around them. They were empty underneath. The wind was blocked out and no one came here at least until the first lunch bell. I went to the end farthest away from the school and tried to tuck myself in between the bleachers and a pillar, using my purse as a pillow.

The concrete was freezing and uncomfortable. My teeth began to chatter immediately and I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep. My mind was racing, my head was pounding. I was so cold but I had a headache and I felt like my face was on fire. I started crying again.

I don't remember when I fell asleep.