A ridiculous little fic on how I'd imagine Sebastian to be. All we really know is "male Santana". Written in first person to really get into Sebastian's thoughts. Here be possessive!Kurt, oblivious!Blaine and, Sebastian. Enjoy :D

"Kurt, this is Sebastian. He's the guy that replaced me."

I laugh before smiling politely at Bubble Butt's boyfriend because, being a dapper Dalton gentleman, it's what we do. Well, not really. It wasn't a requirement, as far as I know. I just really didn't want my chances of Blaine wanting some of this to fuck up. I mean, he invited me to this coffee shop he and Coiff and Tease frequented. Seriously, though. The furniture seemed like it was going for "quaint and cozy" but ended up looking like a serial killer's Cuban hideaway. And that was just really unsettling.

Oh dear God.

The Hummel dude screamed virgin. He was like a child actor for cereal commercials. Jesus, I felt like some sort of pedophile shaking his hand. And he was a senior like me? Hardly believable. Hell, even Blaine looked older than him. This was sort of creepy. Just doubles the unsettling I already felt.

"Hello Kurt," I beam after letting his hand go. In my peripheral vision, I could see Blaine just grinning like the adorable, sexy angel, totally oblivious to the fact that Kurt was glaring daggers-no, spears at me. Bitch, I wasn't staring at your boyfriend that long. "Blaine must be a lucky guy," I snort quietly.

Kurt's glare intensifies, hearing my sound of sarcasm. "The pleasure really is all mine, Sebastian." he bites back, a saccharine smile taped to his face.

"I'll say," I murmur under my breath, while side-eyeing Blaine.

Damn it, Babyface knows I'm checking his boyfriend out. I flash Kurt a quick smile and roll my eyes when he wasn't looking. It's not like I was going to touch him where you probably never have, Cherub. Being a dapper Dalton gentleman, I would only do so if asked. And being the fuckable piece of ass I am, no one has never not asked, sweetie.

"Want me to get your usual?" Blaine asks, lifting himself up from the chair.

Kurt nods, giving him an eyelash bat and a smile, a move I've used too many times to count. Hmm. Maybe he wasn't as virginal as I thought.

"What about you, Sebastian?" Blaine cocks his head, looking at me.

"Mind if I go with you to check out their menu?" I propose "Embarrassingly, I've never actually been to this place"

He shrugs "No problem."

He walks towards the counter, as I smirk to myself, practically feeling Kurt's demonic eyes boring through me when I follow Blaine.

I watch him rock back and forth on the heels of his feet, babbling about how different McKinley curriculum was from Dalton's was. It was almost endearing.

"...and then they tell you you actually have to do your homework and bursting into a song spontaneously is extremely discouraged. It's so weird."

"Must be," I say airily.

"But it's really worth it. Y'know Kurt and all." Blaine grins at me like some sort of divine bitch or something.

"Wow," is all I say before my eyes skim the dozens of drinks "I'll just have a latte, I guess"

Blaine lists off his orders and fishes out a twenty dollar bill and a solemn "keep the change."

"So how are you and Kurt?" I ask nonchalantly, moving to the claiming counter. There was a long line, perfect. Now I could grill little Blainers.

"We're great," he says enthusiastically.

"No you're not." I murmur under my breath.

"Pardon?" Blaine asks.

"I can feel your junior-senior relationship won't work, dear," I pat his shoulder, then squeezing "He's going off to college, where there'll be a new flock of guys he's never met before, new things he's never experienced and places he's never been. It's easy to get attached. And where will you be? Here, in Ohio. With the same people, same things, same places."

I take a look at Blaine. Poor kid. He was staring off into nothing, his eyebrows furrowed and gaping. Like a kid who had his candy stolen and couldn't do anything about it.

"So tell me, when was the last time you two actually had sex?" I inquire when it looked like Blaine had recovered slightly.

"We've never..." his voice drifts off as he shakes his head "Um, we've never actually had sex."

"I see," I say "Want to know something I've learned over the years?"

"I guess," he says meekly.

"No one likes boring and vanilla in their relationship. You have to be fun and spontaneous. Go at it when you're both not expecting it. I don't really care if it's on your roof, in a janitor's closet or the backseat of a car. It'll keep him excited. Wanting more."

"Are you sure?" Blaine asks "I don't think Kurt's really into that stuff. He likes romance."

That's perfect. This was going better than planned. Now Kurt would just hate Blaine merely because of the fact he wanted to do it in a bathroom stall. What a prude. I mean I lost my virginity at a toy store back room late at night when I was a sophomore, and there are no regrets whatsoever. Maybe just the fact that it was with the cashier guy, who had just dropped out of college. I seriously could've had my first time with someone educated. He thought my name was Melissa and I just sort of went with it. It was kind of hot, actually.

"That's your problem." I point out "You have to get through that haze of lovey-doveyness and get with the going before you find out your relationship is gradually falling apart."

Blaine looks down for a moment, almost sadly.

"I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you this, Blaine. I just really care about you and I wouldn't want to be the one not to save you from getting hurt. One Warbler to another, right?"

"Thanks, I guess," he smiles, picking up his and Kurt's drink.

"I'll be here for you whenever, okay?" I smile back, picking up my mediocre latte.

He nods almost weakly as we route back to our table.

"Okay, grande non-fat mocha for Ku-" Blaine doesn't get to finish his sentence, with Kurt pulling his neck towards him, practically attacking his lips. Kurt spoils him with open-mouthed kisses with way too much spit being swapped. I look away awkwardly, sipping on my drink. But even then, I could hear the obnoxious, but thankfully quiet, moans from Kurt and the sounds of confusion, from Blaine. As soon as I heard the relieving smack, I turned back to the table, with a smile.

"Sorry," Kurt shakes his head at Blaine, then says almost sincerely "I couldn't help myself."

Blaine looked frazzled, eyes wide and lips swollen. Well, fuck. The thing looked nothing more like a woodland creature. A fuckable woodland creature. Oh God, now I had that image in my head. Look at Blaine, look at Blaine. And all his fuckableness. Nope, no, this is not a good time or place to get a boner. Think of the deer fucking.

"You two are so cute," I say, cocking my head.

As expected, Blaine grins tiredly and Kurt rolls his eyes.

"I haven't been able to scope out anyone myself."

"Why's that?" Kurt asks "Too much of a whore-I mean, Warbler? The Warblers can get awfully busy, especially at this time of the year."

"Just that," I strain a smile "Speaking of which, I'm off to Columbus, with the Warblers doing a rendition of Katy Perry's E.T. at a nursing home."

"Bye," Kurt said almost too quickly.

"Bye," Blaine nodded.

I waved slightly, making my way to the parking lot.

I smirk to myself as I got into my car. Everything was going better than I expected. Now I just had to find a way how to make sure Blaine screws up.