Grape Nuts

"You have got to be kidding me," Remy stated while walking down one of the many hallways of the Acolyte base with Piotr. "Are you sure about this?"

"It is true," Piotr replied assertively. "At least I have never read anything that has contradicted it."

"Oh come on!" Remy scoffed. "I don't care what you've read. Salvador Dali had to have done drugs at some point. Just look at his paintings!"

"So? They do not prove he was on drugs. They show his imaginative and creative genius," Piotr said. "Dali was even quoted to have said, 'I do not do drugs. I am drugs'."

"Yeah right," Remy snorted. "You really think someone could just naturally be that ridiculously wacky and insane?"

"Hahahahaha!" A wave of Pyro's manically laughter and accompanying bubbling noises echoed down the hallway.

"You have to ask?" Piotr gave Remy a look.

"I stand corrected," Remy groaned. The two of them entered the kitchen and saw Pyro stirring a large boiling pot of something on the stove. Nearly the entire kitchen was filled with pots, jars and stacks of loaded wooden cartons. "What the heck...?"

"Hehehehehe!" Pyro giggled as he added some kind of white powder to his pot. "Oh boy, this is gonna be great!"

"Uh Pyro?" Piotr ventured carefully. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, hey there mates!" Pyro smiled happily at them. "Wanna have a snack?"

"No thanks," Remy blanched as he saw the pot Pyro was stirring was filled with what looked like some kind of bubbling purple slime. "Pyro what are you doing? Are you trying to make homemade lighter fluid again?"

"Not right now," Pyro shook his head. "The pressure cooker is still busted and we're all out of pantyhose and cheesecloth."

"Okay," Remy blinked. "So what the heck is that stuff?" He pointed to the pot.

"It's grapes," Pyro said.

"Grapes?" Piotr repeated.

"Yeah, grapes," Pyro reached into one of the wooden cartons and pulled out a large cluster of grapes. "I've been making a ton of stuff out of 'em. Jams, jellies, juice, vinegar, pickles, ketchup..."

"Ketchup?" Remy did a double take. "Pyro why in the world would you want to make grape ketchup?"

"So I would have an excuse to go and make peanut mustard," Pyro replied. "Duh."

"Ask a stupid question," Remy groaned.

"Ah, it's done," Pyro scooped out a large spoonful of grape ketchup and held it out to his teammates. "Who wants the first taste?"

"Um, no thank you," Piotr gulped. "I do not really feel like...uuulllppp!"

"Here ya go!" Pyro happily shoved the spoon into Piotr's open mouth. "Well, what do ya think?"

"Aaahhhhhh!" Piotr gasped and frantically fanned at his mouth. "Ouch! It is hot! It is hot! It is...hmmm. Actually, it is rather good."

"Told ya," Pyro opened the refrigerator and pulled out a large pitcher. He then took out a glass. "Here, have some cool, homemade grape juice to wash it down."

"Mmmm," Piotr took a sip. "This is very good too."

"Glad you like it," Pyro smiled.

"That's a lot of juice," Remy looked at the dozen or so pitchers of grape juice crammed into the refrigerator. He then looked at the hundreds of jars and cartons spread around the room, most of which were packed full. "Pyro how many grapes did you get?"

"Oh, only about three thousand pounds," Pyro waved.

"Three thousand pounds?" Piotr nearly choked on his juice. "Where did you manage to get three thousand pounds of grapes?"

"And how did you manage to get them in the first place?" Remy glared at Pyro.

"Oh it was pretty easy," Pyro grinned as he snacked on some washed grapes. "All I needed was some paint, a drum set, some bubble wrap, some flares, a tank of propane extra-large..."

"Forget it. I don't wanna know," Remy threw up his hands. "Man, Mags is gonna have a fit when he sees this."

"You really think so?" Piotr asked. "For Pyro this is pretty mild."

"What is going on here?" Magneto entered the kitchen with a large scowl on his face. "Phew! What is that awful smell?"

"You were saying?" Remy gave Piotr a look.

"It's grapes," Pyro said proudly. "I got 'em and peeled 'em and fixed 'em and mashed 'em and I'm currently busy cooking 'em all up!"

"Oh really?" Magneto glared at him. "And are you also responsible for that huge pile of grapes currently sitting in the middle of the Control Room?"

"Yep. That's the Grape Pyramid!" Pyro beamed proudly. "I made it myself."

"Just what the world needs," Magneto groaned. "A fleeting monument to the futility of insanity."

"Yeah, exactly," Pyro nodded excitedly. "I figure we can leave it out there for a few days until all the grapes have turn into raisins."

"Your brain has already turned into a raisin," Magneto snapped angrily. "What's left of it anyway. No, wait. A raisin is much larger and less wrinkled than your brain could ever be!"

"Gee, thanks Mags! That means a lot to me," Pyro smiled and held up a pitcher. "Juice?"

"Sure, why not?" Magneto sighed as Pyro poured him a glass of grape juice. "At least you haven't managed to blow up part of the base yet or set it on fire. Mmmm...say, this grape juice is pretty good."

"That is what I said," Piotr mentioned and refilled his glass.

"Still, I want that atrocious pile of grapes in the Control Room cleaned up immediately," Magneto ordered. "Along with any other grape messes you have made around here. Speaking of which, what other stupid things have you done around here that have involved grapes?"

"Well, there's the statue of the planet Jupiter made out of empty grape vines in the recreation room," Pyro thought for a moment. "The batch of grape jelly cure sitting in the infirmary, the section of floor polished with grape seed oil just outside the Control Room..."

WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!

"WAAAUUUGGGHHH!"

SQUISH! SQUASH! SQUOOSH!

"PPPLLLUUUBBBHHHHHH!"

"Sounds like Sabes just found out about that last one," Remy quipped listening to Sabertooth curse in the distance. "Not to mention making contact with what's left of Pyro's Grape Pyramid."

"Great, now he's going to be slipping and sliding around leaving grape stains everywhere he goes," Magneto groaned and took another swig of juice. "Thank goodness I chose to levitate myself around the base today."

"Oh bugger," Pyro sighed. "Too bad all that lovely juice is going to go to waste. If Sabes wanted to do some grape squashing he could have come in here and done it inside the tub."

"Tub?" Piotr spotted a large wooden tub lying in a corner. "You made all this grape juice in a tub?"

"Yep," Pyro confirmed. "How did you think I made it?"

"Wait a second," Remy thought. "Traditionally, grape juice was extracted by throwing grapes into a tub and crushing them with bare feet..."

"What?" Piotr and Magneto immediately stopped drinking their grape juice. "Oh no..."

"Pyro," Magneto looked slightly green. "You didn't..."

"Didn't replace your hair gel with grape vinegar jam?" Pyro whistled nervously. "No I did not."

"Not that...wait, what?" Magneto sputtered. "Arrrggghhh! Don't change the subject! Just answer the question! Did you or did you not make every drop of this grape juice by stomping the grapes with your bare feet?"

"What? Of course not," Pyro scoffed. "I know better than to do something as yucky, dirty and unsanitary as that."

"Thank goodness," Piotr sighed.

"I made sure to put on a nice, clean pair of socks first," Pyro finished.

"GAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Piotr and Magneto instantly spat out their juice and frantically ran for the sink.

"AAARRRGGGUUUBBBBBB!" Piotr gagged as he tried to rinse his mouth out with water.

"OH MY GOSH THIS IS DISGUSTING!" Magneto screamed and tried to shove Piotr aside. He quickly gave up and flew out of the room. "AAAUUUGGGHHH! MOUTHWASH! NEED MOUTHWASH!"

"Gee, what's his problem?" Pyro asked. "Is something wrong with his grape juice?"

"What?" Remy looked at him in shock. "Pyro, you said you crushed...and Mags just...oh I don't even know where to begin."

"THERE YOU ARE!" A furious Sabertooth appeared in the kitchen doorway covered in dripping grape pulp and quickly turning a deep shade of purple. "I KNEW YOU WERE THE ONE BEHIND ALL THIS FIREBUG! DIE!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Pyro screamed and ran around with Sabertooth chasing after him. "YEEEOOOWWW! HEY, CAN'T WE TALK ABOUT THIS?"

"NO!" Sabertooth roared as Pyro bolted out of the room. He quickly followed after him. "MY CLOTHES AND FUR ARE GONNA BE STAINED FOR WEEKS BECAUSE OF YOU!"

"ME? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WRECKED THE GRAPE PYRAMID!" Pyro was heard yelping. "OW! HOW ABOUT A GLASS OF GRAPE JUICE TO HELP CALM YOU DOWN?"

"NOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE JUICE!" Piotr yelled and desperately tried to clean out his mouth with soap. "KEEP IT AWAY! KEEP IT AWAY!"

"UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!" Magneto screamed in the background. "PYRO YOU ARE GONNA PAY FOR THIS! YAAARRRHHHHHH! WHERE'S MY PERSONAL STERILIZER!"

"I think I know what Salvador Dali would say after witnessing all this," Remy sighed while leaning against a counter. "Pyro does not cause insanity. Insanity is Pyro!"

Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.