"I don't want to go to some freak school with a bunch of crazy weirdos!"

The giant man blinked over his cup of tea. When Mr. Dursley had invited him into the living room so politely, he had expected this meeting to go smoothly. But apparently Harry wasn't about to let that happen.

Hagrid had to admit, he had expected something a little different. He knew that Harry would be a different person, but he had still sort of expected to find a tiny James or tiny Lily at Privet Drive. There was nothing tiny about the boy sitting on the floral couch, arms crossed over his bulky chest and brow lowered in a thick glare.

"I'm going to Smeltings in the fall. I have my uniform and everything, even the stick. Why should I go with you play and pretend games with nutjobs?"

"Harry, lad, I don' think you quite understand how great Hogwarts is."

"Well, it produced something like you, so it doesn't really seem like my kind of place. God, what are you wearing? Some sort of dead badger?"

Dudley snorted into his tea from his position dominating the other couch. Petunia stood behind Harry, her hands on his porky shoulders, and narrowed her eyes at Hagrid.

"That place is what cost me my sister, Mr. Hagrid. I'm not about to let her son end up the same way, not after he was entrusted to me ten years ago. Your lot gave him up then, and he is my little boy now, as close as a son."

Harry was too busy reaching for another slice of cake from the coffee table to notice the revised story of how his parents had died. He wouldn't have cared too much even if he had been paying attention. He didn't remember those people, they hadn't done anything for him, and even though his aunt and uncle had stupid rules like "no fires in the house" and "no more than three suspensions in a school year or no TV for a week", they were still okay as parents. He didn't want anything that this Hagrid guy was offering.

"Seriously, if you're the best they can send, it must be a nasty place indeed" he said around a mouthful of frosting. "What's the headmaster like, some sort of troll?"

This had Hagrid on his feet, looming over the entire room.

"Now listen here, I'm not 'bout to stand for some kid insulting one o' the greatest wizards of our age!"

Petunia shrieked and hurried around the couch, shielding Harry with her bony frame. Vernon stood up and tried to make his own skeletal body look intimidating against the huge man. Harry and Dudley just smirked at the chaos unfolding in front of them.

"Now I am going to need to ask you to leave, sir!" said Vernon in a stronger voice than his small form implied. "You gave your pitch and my nephew turned you down. Nothing more to do then leave and try on some other boy!"

"No, but you don' understand!" Hagrid blustered, going red in the face. "This's an important issue! It's important that Harry go to Hogwarts, Dumbledore said so! He has to come!"

Even more color drained out of Petunia's face.

"Are you threatening to kidnap one of the two prides and joys of my life? Vernon, Vernon, call the police, I'm not letting them take my little Harry-dear!" Her sobs only paused briefly when Harry elbowed her in the side to stop her from blocking the cake.

Vernon grabbed a poker from the fire and held it in front of him like a sword. Hagrid automatically held up his pink umbrella, but Dudley and Harry's cackles drew his attention to just what he was doing. He lowered the umbrella and backed away towards the door.

"How bout this, then? I'll send Dumbledore to talk to ye, see if he can make this any clearer. I'll jus be off now. Harry, I-"

The words "hope to see you soon" died in his throat, so he just waved slightly and slipped out the door. Harry made a certain rude gesture towards the retreating figure as Vernon rushed over and locked and bolted the door. Petunia collapsed on the couch next to Harry, clutching him around the shoulders and weeping.

Dudley looked over his sobbing mother at Harry.

"Wow, sounds like they really want you for that school."

"Course they do. I'm pretty awesome. Who wouldn't want me?"