"Ta da!" The Doctor threw open the TARDIS doors and stepped into the sunlight, Rory and Amy following his lead. "Houston, 2457. February 3rd. The day Texas became its own country. Well, the seventh time it became a country. It just couldn't make up its mind...but the people are nice enough (for Americans), so just watch out for the boots and the hats and the 'yolls' and the carnivorous bugs-"

"Carnivorous bugs?" Interjected Rory apprehensively. He looked around nervously at the apparently harmless stretch of sidewalk, where they stood around a hundred yards away from what seemed to be an American high school. Aside from looking rather retro for Houston in the year 2457, it all looked relatively normal. (Apart from the ninja in the bushes. But this was before Rory had noticed the ninja in the bushes. This was before anyone had noticed the ninja in the bushes, Rory or otherwise.) "Is this one of those times when you say we're going somewhere fun, and then something horrible happens, usually involving death, and then we're all sad for a while? That's usually depressing, rather than fun."

The Doctor stared at him. "Oh, Rory, Rory...of course not! It's not even Saturday! If my calculations are correct, it's a perfectly death free Wednesday afternoon."

"Well, your calculations aren't correct, then, "said Amy, stooping to snatch a dilapidated newspaper from the deserted sidewalk. "According to this, it's Tuesday November 1."

"Well, you can't get them all right all the time, can you-"The Doctor began.

"And it's 2011. And we're in Lima, Ohio."

"Ahh." The Doctor looked around at what he now recognized as an utterly boring Ohio landscape. "Ohio. Right. Lima Ohio...I wonder..."

"Sorry," said Rory, looking confused rather than sorry, "But is there anything to do in Ohio?"

"Does anyone important even live in Ohio?" added Amy. "I mean, don't they grow like corn, or something?"

"Potatoes!" said the Doctor crossly. "They grow potatoes."

Amy pinched his cheek mockingly. "Aww, look who was paying attention in his Alien Social Studies classes."

"Oi! Don't do that!"

"Aww, does the itty bitty Time Lord not like having his cheeks pinched?" cooed Amy.

"Stop it!" The Doctor swatted her away, irritated, as she continued to hover about him pinching his cheeks like a particularly annoying and elderly aunt.

"Um..." said Rory. "Right. Maybe, if we all behaved like adults, Amy, we could-"

"RORY!"

"It was just a suggestion!" Rory lobbed back at them, only to realize that neither the Doctor nor Amy had spoken.

"RORY!" came the shriek again, this time, Rory realized, from the nearby high school.

"See?" said the Doctor smugly. "Apparently there are people in Ohio."

"What?" asked Amy. "You know people in Ohio? Who do you know in Ohio?"

"Well," began the Doctor,

"I meant Rory!"

"I don't know anyone in Ohio!" said Rory.

"RORRRYYYYYYYY!" and suddenly the doors to the high school flew open, and a small boy sprinted out, heading straight towards them.

"Or maybe I do. Who knows? Certainly not me."

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, RORY!"

"Yup," said the Doctor. "It sounds like someone in Ohio knows you."

As the boy continue to run towards them, the high school doors were flung open again, this time by a Latina cheerleader, closely followed by a blonde in similar uniform.

"SANTANA, WAIT!" cried the blonde.

"RORRRRRRYYY!" Santana screamed again. "I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!"

"What did I do?" asked a panicked Rory. "I don't even-we're in OHIO!"

"WAIT, RORY!" yelled the blonde this time. "SHE DOESN'T MEAN IT! SHE ISN'T EVEN ACTUALLY FROM LIMA HEIGHTS!"

"Okay," said Rory uncertainly, "This doesn't make any sens-OOF!"

He toppled over as the first boy hit him at full force, sending them tumbling to the asphalt. The Doctor and Amy stared incredulously. This was an awful lot of confusion for a Tuesday.

"Sorry," said the boy hastily, jumping up and pulling Rory to his feet, "but they're after me, and Santana's pretty mad, so-"

"Wait, you're Rory?" said the Doctor.

"And you're Irish!" said Amy.

"What?" said Rory.

"And you're Scottish!" said the boy cheerfully. "Rory Flannigan at your service, and I'm trying not to get killed."

"I know the feeling," said Rory seriously. "Wait, sorry, you're Irish. I thought we were in Ohio."

"You are in Ohio!" said the new Rory. "Lima Ohio, to be exact, and I'd stop for a chat but I'm being chased by an angry cheerleader."

"RORY!" And suddenly the new Rory was sent flying.

"Yeah," said the original Rory, "I'm glad it wasn't me she was after. That looked painful."

It was.

"LOOK! I'M SORRY!" screamed the new Irish Rory from the ground, where the Latina cheerleader had him tightly pinned.

"I TOLD YOU TO BACK OFF, LEPRECHAUN!"

"Santana, stop!" cried the blonde. "I did promise him my pot of gold! As future president, I thought I should keep my promise! Like Oprah!"

"Hello," said the Doctor cheerfully, "I'm the Doctor. Sorry, just passing through, inspecting the foliage-"he swiftly passed showed them the psychic paper "and this is all rather confusing. So! Let's see! Introductions! This is Amy."

"Hello!" said Amy.

"And this is Rory," the Doctor continued, giving Rory time to perform rather feeble wave, "And so, apparently, is he." He pointed at the boy on the ground. "And you're apparently trying to crush the life out of him! So what's shakin', as the kids say these days?"

They all stared at him, even Santana, who had her hands around new Irish Rory's neck, and new Irish Rory, who was turning an unpleasant shade of blue.

"Right. Apparently the kids do not say that these days. I'll keep that in mind. Anyway, I think introductions are in order before one of us dies."

"Well," said the Hispanic cheerleader, still perched atop the younger Rory's back, "I'm Santana. And I need to endz this immigrant."

"Foreign exchange student!" the victim wheezed.

"And I'm Brittany," said the vacant blonde. "And you're all really attractive. Are you Simon Cowell?" she asked a bewildered Doctor. "You hurt my cat's feelings."

"Erm...no. Anyway, why don't you, err, Santana, stop trying to suffocate New Rory and get up so we can talk this out like mature and civilized humanish life forms?"

"Fine." Santana leapt up, brushed the dirt off of her skirt and stood next to Brittany, closer than was completely necessary. New Rory's ascent was a bit slower, and much aided by the original Rory. "Mr. Lucky Charms over here tried to kiss my girl-"

"-You wouldn't even hold my hand above the napkin," sniffed Brittany.

"-So I have to kill slash murder him. Whatever works," finished Santana.

"Do I get a say in this at all?" wheezed New Rory.

"NO."

"Look," said the Doctor, "I'm the Doctor."

"Because that has meaning," Santana sniffed snidely.

"Yes! Yes it does! In Britain..." the Doctor trailed off. "The point is," he continued, "no one is going to-"

That's when everybody, including both Rorys and a bystanding pigeon, noticed the ninja in the bushes. Mostly because the ninja leapt out of the bushes, ran a sword through New Irish Rory, sending his body toppling to the ground, and ran faster than humanish-ly possible towards the freeway before disappearing.

"-Die."

They stared at the body. Rory's body. All of the color drained out of the remaining Rory's face.

Brittany was the first to speak.

"Oh. My. God. Santana! You killed him!"

"WHAT?" Santana started. "It wasn't me, it was the ninja! Wait, what the hell is a ninja doing in Lima Ohio? We don't even have a Taco Bell."

"Or a Target," Brittany added. Santana nodded. Amy looked at them both and silently wondered if this was what all American cheerleaders were like, or just the ones in Ohio.

"I can't believe this," said Rory slowly. "We turn up, and someone named Rory dies! And it isn't even Saturday! It's Wednesday!"

"Actually, it's Tuesday."

"Fine! It's Tuesday!" He buried his face in his hands. "My God, I'm contagious. I'm some sort of Rory poison. I don't deserve to call myself a nurse. I should become a gerbil trainer or something."

Amy placed a supportive hand on his shoulder. "Maybe the Universe is giving you a day off. I'm rather happy you didn't die today."

"I'm sorry, does this happen often?" asked a completely nonplussed Santana. "Do people always drop dead when you three come around? Who are you anyway?"

"I told you," said the Doctor, as he scanned Irish Rory's body with his screwdriver, "I'm the Doctor!"

"THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN ANYTHING!" shrieked Santana. "Doctor WHO?"

Brittany giggled.

"Oh, calm down," grumbled the Doctor. "He's only mostly dead. Much better than all dead, much more convenient. Come along, Ponds." He pushed open the door of the door of the TARDIS, which was suddenly blocked by Santana's threatening glare and Brittany's adorable confusion.

"Wait! Where are do you think you're going?" Santana snarled.

"Yeah," said Brittany. "Don't leave. You're pretty."

"Brittany, people have died."

"He said mostly dead, San."

"We're going to follow that ninja and get your New Irish Rory friend back," said the Doctor cheerfully.

"How?"

"I'm assuming it's an alien ninja?" asked Amy.

"Correct! Excellent work, Pond!" They fist bumped.

"An ALIEN ninja?" asked Santana. "How do you know it's an alien ninja?"

The three shrugged. "They're always aliens," said Rory. "Or monsters. Or Alien monsters."

"Right, and this particular alien is GETTING AWAY!" said the Doctor. "We need to go!" He easily pushed Brittany and Santana out of the way, and ushered Rory and Amy inside.

Santana and Brittany stared. How on earth could the ninja be in that police box? How could three people even fit in there?

The Doctor stared back, scanning their faces. "Well, are you coming?"

"In a telephone box?" Santana rolled her eyes. "That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. No, how about I get Kermit the Frog over there to a HOSPITAL, because he MIGHT HAVE DIED."

Brittany nodded.

"Don't be ridiculous," said the Doctor. "This is a machine that travels through time and space, we're chasing a ninja that might have the soul of your Irish friend, and school is boring. Now you can stay here, and be normal and boring and live in Ohio for the rest of your lives, or you can come along, cheerleaders." And he nodded at them smartly, as if this happened rather often.

Santana gaped. A time machine?

"Oooh, please Santana, please can we go, I'll eat all my vegetables!" pleaded Brittany. "I want to see the inside time and space box!"

Santana wondered if this was all some elaborate practical joke. How, she wondered, had a simple attack on the girl she loved turn into a possible murder, alien intervention, and the chance to travel in time? Or was this one of those elaborate telemarketer schemes?

"And no," added the Doctor, as if he could read her mind, "We're not telemarketers."

"F-fine," Santana decided. "We'll go. But only because we have a math test next period."

"I hate geology," agreed Brittany solemnly.

"Right. Well. Grab your friend's body on the way in-"

"He's not my friend!"

"Regardless, if you could fetch his body, and then we'll be on our way."

Brittany dutifully retrieved the body and skipped into the supposed time machine. "SANTANA!"

Santana had known it was too good to be true. Were they serial killers? Kidnappers? More ninjas? She ran past the idiot 'Doctor' and his stupid bow tie (which she was sure Kurt would have loved) into what she was sure would be a cramped, crowded-

Wow.

She had never seen anything like it before. She instinctively grabbed Brittany's hand, and they both stared at the impossible room together.

The body lay next to them, mostly forgotten except by Rory, who still felt as if this was all his fault.

"Wonderful, isn't it?" asked the Doctor, grinning at the looks on their faces. "This is the TARDIS. Time and Relative Dimension in Space. It's the best time machine there is."

"And there's an awesome minibar!" added Amy.

This comment didn't even register with the two cheerleaders.

"It's...it's..." Santana couldn't find the words. Wonderful? Impossible? A school day?

"It's bigger on the inside," commented Brittany.

And that summed it up.

The Doctor sprinted to the huge controls, cackling like a madman. "Right, Rory, Amy, Santana, Brittany and slightly dead Rory! Now this is the fun part! Away we go!"

The blue box disappeared, and Rachel Berry received a text message in the middle of her History class.

Tell Mr. Schu we won't be in class. Me and Brit are with some Doctor. Don't worry, not rapist or serial killer. We think. –S

Rachel Berry gasped and dropped her phone. The bedazzles she had taken so long to apply flew off as it hit the floor, but she didn't care.

"The Doctor..." she whispered dramatically as the entire class stared at her.

"He's back."