Disclaimer: I own nothing

Warnings: Un-beta'd

A/N: Those of you waiting for an update on Bright Eyes, I'm so, so sorry. It's coming soon, I promise. I just need to revise part two and send it off to my Beta. In the meantime, I give you crack.

It's not exactly everyday that Kurt Hummel propositions you. When opportunity strikes, though, one should take advantage. Especially when the one being propositioned is one Artie Abrams, resident paraplegic.

"So what do you say?" The countertenor ask, nose in the air, but a look in his eyes as if he was preparing himself for rejection.

"I'm in on one condition." He answers smoothly, watching the other boy carefully as a well groomed eyebrow arched in anticipation.

"Name your price."

"Take me with you."

At this both eyebrows shoot up to meet his hairline before he remembers himself and hones his face back into a mask of indifference. He eyes Artie carefully, sizing him up, debating whether or not it was worth the price.

"Done. We start training after glee."

Okay, so the idea of training may seem a bit extreme to some, but both boys took this seriously. Very seriously. This wasn't just any day they were training for. They were training for The Day. The darkest of days in which human nature knows no morals and the worst parts of a person's soul is laid out to bare. It was a Black Friday.

Kurt's request had been simple. He wanted to optimize his plans for this day, and that included premium parking. No, Kurt Hummel was not at all ashamed to exploit his friend for his own gain. Not on this day. He had been upfront in his request, of course. "I want to use your parking permit on black friday. Those handicap spots are optimal locations for getting in and out in a timely manner with the least probable damage to merchandise from frenzied shoppers."

He wasn't of course thinking he could get away with this for free. He knew that this would cost him and he was willing to meet those demands as long as they were reasonable and within his range. He already set aside a portion of his savings for it. He was not, however, expecting for Artie to request to come along.

"Why?" he had asked once they were out of glee practice and on their way to the Hummel-Hudson residence.

"I have a few stores I want to hit up to." Video game and comic book stores were having sales too. While Kurt was in it for the discount clothing, Artie was in it for the nerd world gadgets galore. "I have 17 items on my wish list that are on sale that day and I've been saving up my allowance. With you, I'm predicting at least an 85% success rate of acquiring all of them."

"So you're okay with me taking advantage of you?"

"Only if you're okay with me taking advantage of you?"

Both boys stopped to give each other a serious look of appraisal. Each trying to stare into the depths of the other's soul, seeing just how far they were willing to take this. Darkness, cunning and unrelenting determination rose to the surface. Artie gave a curt nod which the other boy returned.

"Let's get to work then."

Training Session 3B40D: Planning

Kurt and Artie were seated around the kitchen table, drinking warm milk while staring at a map of the Lima Mall.

"Okay, so if we enter at the entrance here, we'll be able to knock out these stores in quick succession before cutting across, via this ramp, to the electronics stores here and here." Kurt was marking the attack plan with color coded sharpies while Artie nodded, taking pictures of the map with his iPhone and adding annotations.

"Okay, so we'll also be able to shave time here if we cut through the vending machine alcove. There's a door that connects to the bathroom here, and lets out in the food court. We'll be able to hit the entire other half of the mall and avoid the main area here." Artie rebutted, marking the territories on the map. Kurt nodded, approving the new plan of action.

Training Session 35GN2: Armor

Finn walked into the living room to find Kurt fitting Artie's old football pads onto his wheelchair while the latter sat in the armchair directing him. "We might be able to make it more aerodynamic if we-oh, hi Finn."

Finn gave Artie a nod in greeting before turning to his brother. "So uh, what are you guys up to?"

"We're preparing for Black Friday." Kurt said, making sure the padding on the wheelchair was secure.

"Are those spikes?" Finn asked, growing slightly more alarmed.

"Yeah," Artie piped in, catching Finn's attention. "I brought them over to see if we could fit it to the wheelchair, but Kurt worried that it might be illegal."

"Yeah, isn't that kind of dangerous?"

"Mmhm. Too bad, it would have been a great add on." Kurt mused, turning the wheelchair upright.

Finn decided that now would be a good time to leave. And hide in his room. Forever.

Training Session 5V9FA: Offense

Finn found himself once again standing in the middle of the living room. The furniture had been rearranged, strategically placed to imitate a store's layout. In his hand he was holding one of the throw pillows, which Kurt instructed him to not let go of under any circumstances.

"Dude, are you sure about this?"

"Relax Finn, it's totally safe." Artie assured him as Kurt made sure he was properly strapped into his wheelchair. "We removed the spikes, flamethrower, and poison darts. You'll be fine."

Somehow, Finn wasn't reassured by this at all.

"Okay Artie, now pretend Finn is holding the last iGadget-"

"Super sonic micro-converter software add-on." He interjected.

"Yeah that." Kurt waved away dismissively. "On my mark."

Kurt stepped aside and picked up his stopwatch. "Three..." Artie pulled on his safety goggles and secured the strap. "Two..." Finn's eyes darted back and forth between both boys wondering if a week off dish duty was really worth it. "One..." It probably wasn't if the demonic glare Artie was giving him was any indication of the torment he was about to suffer. "GO!" Crap.

Training Session 87FSD: Accessorize

Artie wrapped a bright red bandana around his head. Kurt wore a matching scarf around his neck. They were so they could easily identify each other should they be separated. They were wearing the same color shirt/sweater vest as well.

"Good?" Kurt asked making sure all their supplies were ready.

"Good." Artie replied, going over the mental checklist in his head. They were both caffeinated, well rested, and fully equipped for what was about to happen next.

"Watches in sync?"

They both held out their wrist, matching watches as well. "Synced."

They looked at each other and nodded. Today was the day. "Let's go."

Operation: Darkest Day

"Artie, 3 o'clock!" Kurt yelled, trying to weave his way between a chain of three teenage girls, obviously grouped together.

Artie looked to his right to see an old lady making her way towards what appeared to be the last sweater on the rack. Artie narrowed his eyes and rolled forward, knocking the whiney 8 year old kid in his way and latching onto the sweater at the same time as the old lady. He had a flashback of Finn running across the room screaming. He'd been training for this moment.

"Hey look, 80% off on cat litter!" Artie yelled, using his free hand to point in a random direction.

"That's not going to work on me kiddo. I don't own a cat." Damn, his plan was foiled.

"Baby booties are being marked down another ten percent!" The lady perked up at this.

"Ooooh my grandbabies would love those!" She released the sweater and ran off in another direction, but the second she let go, two more hands grabbed the sweater.

Artie looked up to see Blaine Anderson and Kurt Hummel. Wide-eyed, he let go of the sweater and backed away.

"That was a nice trick Blaine." Kurt spoke cooly, eyeing his boyfriend's movement carefully.

"Been practicing throwing my voice." Blaine spoke, giving Kurt and equally appraising once over.

Both boys looked at each other, back at the sweater and nodded. They understood. This was a battlefield, and there was only one victor. Artie winced at the ensuing battle. Blaine walked away with a slight limp and Kurt was missing a button from his shirt, but he had come out victorious, and that was good enough for him.

"You sure he'll be okay?" Artie asked as Kurt wheeled him to the register where Rachel was waiting. The deal was she waited in line and Kurt got her clothes that didn't make him want to burn her wardrobe.

"He's a big boy, he can handle it."

They made it back to Rachel who took their things. "You guys moving forward?" She asked seriously. Like them, Rachel had gotten into the spirit of things, and along with wearing the bandana around her upper arm, she also had war paint on her face.

Artie nodded. "We're headed to GameStop next. There's nothing but socially awkward nerds in there, so you'll be able to use your feminine whiles to cut in line."

"Excellent. I plan to fully utilize all of my talents in order to achieve-"

"Enough chatting, Artie, let's go."

Kurt turned Artie's chair while the other boy repositioned the pads. "Engage Attack Plan Alpha-Phi-Omega!"

The poor, pitiful chain of girls never stood a chance.

"I'm telling you kid, let go or you will regret it." Kurt was currently engaged in battle with some snot-nosed eleven year old over some video game or another. He recognized the cover from Artie's wishlist and refused to let go.

"Whatever loser, eat my Slafarian dust!"

"Sla? Wha-Whatever." He had long since given up on trying to understand what the kid was rambling on about.

Artie had just gotten the nabbed a new filter for his camera, the package having slid underneath one of the displays and lodged between the wall and the shelf in a hustle. Now, one may wonder how a kid in a wheelchair managed to reach something that not even the most nimble of customers would have been able to reach. To which, Artie would have replied that you should probably mind your own business because he had done things. Bad things. Things he wasn't proud of.

He was about to look for Kurt when some kid flew across half the store, scrambled onto his feet and ran the rest of the way out. The next a new game was being dropped onto his lap. "How did you-"

"I'm trained in the ancient art of ninjutsu. No, I'm not kidding. Now, let's go before he calls security. Rachel undid her top button so I'm pretty sure we've got a clear path to the front of the line."

"God bless the nerd who can't get laid." Artie shook his head, remembering the sad day when he was one of those losers.

Kurt had to agree. "Amen to that."

They were in their last stop before heading home. Rachel had already called it quits, taking her winnings and leaving the boys to their own devices. Two hours ago.

Kurt and Artie weren't about to give up.

"You sure that's the one? Kurt asked, comparing the picture on his iPhone with the object he was currently walking towards. Artie was rolling beside him and nodding.

"Yes, that's the one my mother wants." He said, determined to get it. It was the last thing on their list for today. Then the battle would be over.

Both of the boys were already looking haggard. Kurt was missing another button and his scarf was askew. His hair was no longer perfectly coifed, and there were unidentified stains on the back of his shirt that he didn't want to talk about. Artie was no better off. One of the pads had been ripped off his wheelchair, his glasses were permanently bend at a weird angle, and for some godforsaken reason he was missing his left sock. Not the shoe, just the sock.

"A glass elephant candy dish?" Kurt asked, still not quite understanding it.

Artie simply shrugged. "She has a thing for elephants."

Right when they reached the elephant the same old lady from earlier appeared across from them. The boys looked at the old lady, the old lady at the boys. "So we meet again."

"Engage Attack Plan Gamma-Alpha-Beta!" Artie declared. Kurt vanished from sight and both Artie and the old lady grabbed the damn candy dish.

"I wont be falling for any of your tricks this time, kiddo!" The lady tugged on the elephant, pulling Artie's wheelchair into the display.

He immediately used his free hand to pull the brake on this wheelchair and glared at the lady. Really, this was quite the sight, a disabled kid and an old lady in a battle of wills over a glass elephant candy dish. He'd find it amusing if he wasn't so determined to knock this old hag on her backside.

"Look, you don't have to do this. I mean really, stealing a candy dish from a kid in a wheelchair?" He tried to sweet talk her, make her see reason.

"Oh, it wouldn't be the first time." He waved away the concern and gave another sharp tug. His wheelchair tipped forward, but he pulled a string that dropped weights in the back of this chair, anchoring him down. "Nice chair you got there."

"My friend helped me trick it out." Artie smirked.

"Too bad he's left you now." The lady gloated, using her foot as leverage against the display to try and pry it out of Artie's fingers.

"Oh, I wouldn't be so quick to judge."

"Wha-" The lady was knocked back off her feet, as Artie released the glass elephant. The candy dish flew through the air, over the lady's head and into the outstretched hand of one Kurt Hummel.

"Mission accomplished."