Moon Wars

Episode IV: A New Hope

Hisui: Did you hear that? It seems they will be shutting down the main reactor.

Kohaku: Why don't we run out in front of the firefight! It's the safest place to be!

Hisui: That is acceptable.

Hisui: Nee-san, where are you?

(a cloaked figure finishes handing something to Kohaku)

Hisui: Where have you been?

Kohaku: Cleaning up after all the damage.

Hisui: That explains it.

Kohaku: Anyway, I have a mission!

Hisui: Sure you do…

Kohaku: We're getting into an escape pod, now!

Hisui: We are not allowed.

(Kohaku picks Hisui up like a mannequin and carries her into the escape pod)

Keiko: Shiki! Tell your uncle that if you get some maids, one of them needs to speak Bocci.

Shiki: Doesn't look like we have much of a choice, but I'll remind him.

Fumiomi: You, I suppose your main job is etiquette and protocol.

Hisui: Yes.

Fumiomi: I have no need for a protocol maid.

Hisui: Yes.

Fumiomi: …Do you speak Bocci?

Hisui: Yes.

Fumiomi: Alright, fine, we'll take her. And this other one.

("This other one" faints of heat exposure)

Shiki: This maid has a bad motivator.

Hisui: That one over there would be acceptable.

(She points; Kohaku is dancing about in the desert heat)

Shiki: …Oookaaaaaay.

(Shiki is injured by Sand People; a cloaked figure bends over him)

Kohaku: W-wait, stop, don't do anything to him!

(Figure removes her hood)

Arc: Ah, don't stand over there! I promise I won't bite you yet.

Kohaku: Er…

Kohaku: So, I was supposed to give this to you.

(cue holographic message)

Akiha: General Brunestud. Years ago you apparently knew my father. Now he begs you to come aid him in his hour of need.

Arc: Hmm. I don't recall this person. Do you know him?

Kohaku: Very well!

Arc: Hmm.

Shiki: Well, I better be off. Gotta get these maids back home before my uncle kills me—

Arc: Nope, you're comin' with me!

Shiki: …Wat.

Darth Vader: And now, your highness, you will give me the coordinates to your hidden Rebel base.

Akiha: Do your worst.

Darth Vader: Flat chest.

Akiha: *teary eyed*

Arc: Mos Eisley Spaceport. You'll never find a more wretched hive of fun people.

Shiki: Can I go home now?

(Ponda Baba shoves Shiki around; Evazen taps him on the shoulder)

Dr. Evazen: He doesn't like you.

Shiki: Sorry.

Dr. Evazen: I don't like you either! You best watch yourself; we're wanted men! I have the death sentence on twelve systems!

Shiki: I'll be careful.

Dr. Evazen: You'll be dead!

(Shiki glances to Arc, but Arc is just watching)

Shiki: Aren't you gonna help?

Arc: Why?

(Evazen shoves Shiki into a table)

Kohaku: Shiki-sama! This belongs to you!

(Shiki catches a knife, pulls off his glasses, then cuts off both Evazen and Baba's arms off)

Arc: See!

Shiki: I wanna go home now.

Arihiko: I'm the Captain of the Millennium Falcon. This is my First Mate, Nanako.

Nanako: Yo!

Arihiko: Nana-chan tells me you might be lookin' for passage off this rock.

Arc: If it's a fast ship.

Arihiko: Fast ship? You never heard of the Millennium Falcon?

Arc: Nope.

Arihiko: It made the Kessel Run in less than twelve par—

Arc: Bored now.

Shiki: But with my glasses on, I can hardly see the remote.

Arc: THEN TAKE THEM OFF YOU IDIOT.

Arihiko: Ancient weapons and hokey religions aren't a match for a good blaster at your side…right?

Nanako: Right!

(behind them all, Kohaku and Hisui are having an EPIC video game match)

Shiki: Look at him, he's heading to that small moon.

Arihiko: I think I can get him before he gets there.

Arc: That's no moon. It's a TYPE.

Arihiko: That's too big to be a TYPE.

Shiki: I have a bad feeling about this.

Arc: Death will be with you. Always.

Shiki: That isn't comforting. At all.

Akiha: Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

Shiki: Oh, the uniform. *removes his helmet* I'm Shiki Nanaya, I'm here to rescue you.

Shiki: Shut down all the mashers on the detention level!

Hisui: He says 'shut down all the mashers on the detention level.'

Kohaku: Doo dee doo dum…which switch is it again?

Hisui: Nee-san.

Kohaku: Oh, geez, you should learn to tell a joke sometime!

Darth Vader: We meet again, at last. When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master.

Arc: Shove it, Roa.

Darth Vader: I HATE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME BY MY NAME!

Akiha: We're going in that thing? You're braver than I thought.

Arihiko: Well, sister, if you want courage—

Akiha: You're not my brother, nor are you my type.

Arihiko: ;_;

Akiha: Find the controls to extend the bridge.

Shiki: I think I just blasted them.

(they prepare to swing across; Akiha kisses Shiki)

Akiha: For luck!

Arc: You can't win, Roa. If you strike me down, I'll become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Darth Vader/Roa: Okay. *cuts her down*

Shiki: NO!

Shiki: So. You got your reward, and now you're leaving?

Arihiko: Yeah, that's right. Got some old debts to pay off with this. Besides, the chick aint interested.

Shiki: But you're my bro in all this.

Arihiko: …Fine.

Darth Vader/Roa: The Death is strong with this o—wait, my systems!

(his starfighter veers off drastically)

Darth Vader/Roa: HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

(Kohaku is in Shiki's copilot seat, a computer in front of her, her fingers typing like crazy)

Kohaku: NO ONE CAN ESCAPE MY L33T HACKING SKILLZ!

Arc's voice: TAKE THEM OFF YOU IDIOT.

Shiki: Oh, right. *takes off glasses* Bombs away!

(TYPE-MOON blown up)

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Wampa: GIVE ME DELICIOUS GLAND

Shiki: No u.

(Shiki removes glasses and cuts off Wampa arm, then flees into the snow)

Arc voice: Shiki. Shiki!

Shiki: Arucreid?

Arc: You will go to the Dagobah System.

Shiki: Dagobah?

Arc: There you will learn from Ciel, the one who taught me.

Shiki: Taught you what?

Arc: Eh, I forget.

Shiki: Wait, I just realized, you're not actually a ghost, are you? Weren't you cut into pieces?

Arc: Yeah, I reconstituted myself.

Shiki: Can this Ciel teach me that?

Arc: …Dunno.

Shiki: Need…to stay…warm…

Arc: Mmmm, I think I can help with that.

(cue sexing)

Arihiko: C'mon, you want me to stay because of the way you feel 'bout me.

Akiha: Yes, you are a natural leader, and—

Arihiko: No, that's not it. C'mon. C'mon~

Akiha: You're imagining things.

Arihiko: Am I? Then why're you chasing me so much? 'Fraid I'd leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?

Akiha: I'd rather kiss a unicorn.

Arihiko: I can arrange that. Also, you still see unicorns, eh?

Akiha: I'LL KILL YOU.

Arihiko: Aw, man, you look fine, like you could still pull the ears off a Gundark.

Shiki: Still…anemia…

Arihiko: Well, your highness, looks like you've managed to keep me around after all.

Akiha: I had nothing to do with it.

Arihiko: I think you just can't bear to let a good lookin' guy like me outta your sight.

Akiha: I don't know where you get your delusions, bunker-brain.

Nanako: Tee hee!

Arihiko: Laugh it up, fuzzy-wuzzy. You didn't see us near the south entrance, where she expressed her true feelings for me.

Akiha: Guess you don't know the first thing about women, do you?

(she pulls Shiki into a passionate kiss, then storms off)

Shiki: …Must be the glasses?

Darth Vader/Roa: My theme is the most badass in the galaxy.

Kohaku: We've been regulated to side-characters, haven't we?

Hisui: Yes.

Darth Vader/Roa: I have you Rebels now!

Rebels: No you don't!

Darth Vader/Roa: Since when did I let my enemies go so easily?

Admiral Ozzel: Since the Tsukihime anime.

Darth Vader/Roa: You have spoken of that for the last time.

(Ozzel is strangled to death)

Kohaku: So, where we headin'?

Shiki: To the Dagobah System.

Kohaku: Not rendezvousing with the fleet?

Shiki: Nope.

Arc: Awesome, off we go!

Kohaku: …Since when have you been in here? And how? This is a single-person, single-maid starfighter.

Arc: Well, I'm not a person or a maid, so that works, right? Now, Shiki, turn left up ahead.

Kohaku: It's right to get to Dagobah.

Arc: Yeah, but left is more fun!

Kohaku: Well, I guess you could make three lefts to go right…

Shiki: STOP BACKSTARFIGHTER DRIVING YOU TWO.

(Meanwhile…)

Akiha: Would it help if I got out and pushed?

Arihiko: It might.

Hisui: Captain Inui, might I suggest—

(Arihiko scowls and storms off)

Hisui: I am the only qualified maid in this outfit, and yet I am ignored. It will not be my fault if this entire situation dooms us because nobody is willing to listen to me.

Nanako: I'll listen! But nobody listens to me, either.

Shiki: Still, there's something familiar about this place. It feels like—

Strange woman in cosplay: Feels like what?

Shiki: *turns with blaster in hand* Like we're being watched!

Strange woman in cosplay: Go ahead, shoot, it won't matter!

Arihiko: Y'know, you don't have to be so mean all the time.

Akiha: Yes I do. They don't call me a tsundere for nothing.

(Arihiko kisses her)

Akiha: Yuck, totally not my type.

Arihiko: Dis what you mean about tsundere?

Akiha: No, seriously, get a mint or something.

Strange woman in cosplay: I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.

Arc: *staring blankly*

Shiki: Ciel?

Strange woman/Ciel: HEY, TRUE ANCESTOR, I'M TALKING TO YOU!

Arc: *staring blankly*

Ciel: TRUE ANCESTOR!

Arc: Oh, sorry. Your maid is really strange, Shiki.

(they all look outside; Kohaku is sweeping the swamp)

Satsuki: Arihiko, old friend, how're you doing?

Arihiko: Not bad, Sacchin. Lemme introduce ya.

Akiha: Hello.

Satsuki: Hello, what do we have here? Dinner…I mean a friend of yours, Arihiko?

Ciel: Your eyes! Use your eyes!

Shiki: But I have a headache!

Ciel: …I can help with that.

(cue sexing)

Arc: HEY! NO STEALING!

Darth Vader/Roa: We would be honored if you would join us.

Satsuki: I couldn't help it, they arrived just before you did. I'm sorry.

Arihiko: So'm I.

Nanako: Wait, where's Hisui?

(Hisui is in the junk room, cleaning)

Shiki: They're my friends, I have to help them.

Ciel: But if you leave now, help them you could, but…you would sacrifice all that they have fought for, and suffered.

Shiki: Yeah, no, I'm going.

Ciel: Idiot.

(Shiki takes off)

Ciel: Wait, what are you still doing here?

Arc: It gets boring cramped up in that starfighter.

Ciel: YOU CAN'T STAY HERE.

Arc: Wonder what was in that cave Shiki went into.

(Arc wanders in, peers into the gloom)

Neco Arc: I'm your mirror self from another time and place!

Arc: Really?

Darth Vader/Roa: Death is with you, young Nanaya. But you are not a Jedi yet.

Shiki: No, but you'll find I'm full of surprises!

(he takes off glasses then dot stabs the chamber they're in, and they fall out onto a walkway)

Darth Vader/Roa: THE SHIT WAS THAT?

Kohaku: Hisui-chan!

Hisui: Nee-san!

Akiha: Quick, we're escaping on the Falcon. Maybe we can catch up to where they took Arihiko.

Satsuki: I wanna come too—

Akiha: No.

Satsuki: ;_;

(Shiki gets his hand cut off and loses his knife)

Darth Vader/Roa: Don't make me destroy you.

Shiki: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Darth Vader/Roa: You know, I bet Arc and Akiha never told you what our relation is.

Shiki: You killed my father, right?

Darth Vader/Roa: No. I am your brother.

Shiki: …

Darth Vader/SHIKI: And Akiha is yo—

Shiki: I feel a massive headache coming on.

(he dot stabs the platform he's on and tumbles down the access pipes)

Darth Vader/SHIKI: You don't want to hear about how we're all related and I molested our sister? Or how I'm both Roa and SHIKI?

Satsuki: Well, when we find Nrvnqsr Chaos and where he's keeping Arihiko, we'll let you know.

(The Falcon flies off; Shiki gets a prosthetic hand)

Shiki: Good thing we could find a replacement hand. I mean, to think that a package addressed to "Shiki" would make its way to me right when I need it!

Akiha: Yeah.

Shiki: What's wrong?

Akiha: Just feeling down.

Shiki: I can help you with that!

(cue sexing)

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Darth Vader/Roa/SHIKI: My name is getting really long now.

Moff Jerjerrod: Yes sir.

Roa/SHIKI: Oh, and the Emperor is coming soon.

Moff Jerjerrod: Oh shit?

Roa/SHIKI: And if you think you have it bad, just wait until the Emperor sees your progress.

Moff Jerjerrod: We'll double our efforts.

Roa/SHIKI: I hope so, commander, for your sake. The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am. Now finish the damned TYPE-MOON II.

Kohaku: I spy with my little eye something that is…brown!

Hisui: Sand.

Kohaku: Right again! Dammit, how are you so good at this game, Hisui-chan?

Kohaku: The message also says that as a token of his goodwill, Shiki is willing to give you the services of us, his two maids!

Hisui: So long as you do not touch us.

Nero: Fine. I suppose you will make good appetizers for my beasts at some point.

Boushh: *gibberish*

Hisui: He says that he will turn over the pile-bunker-unicorn-girl-weapon-spirit-scripture for no less than fifty thousand.

Nanako: Yeah, no less than fifty thousand!

Nero: Why should I do that?

Boushh: *gibberish*

Hisui: Because he is holding a Grade-A Thermal Detonator, which can incinerate us all in a matter of milliseconds.

(Boushh holds the weapon out)

Nero: Thirty-five thousand.

Boushh: *gibberish*

Hisui: He is in agreement.

(Boushh goes to disarm the weapon, but it slips from his fingers; but just as it goes off, a flash of red from beneath the bounty hunter's helmet sizzles and the grenade goes dead)

Boushh: *gibberish* BEEPEDY BEEP BEEP *gibberish*

Nero: …Huh.

(Boushh releases Arihiko from carbonite)

Arihiko: Who's there?

Boushh: You still need a breath mint.

Arihiko: Akiha!

Akiha: Now let's get you out of here.

Arihiko: I thought you didn't like me?

Akiha: Shiki wouldn't hear anything of leaving you behind. Something about "the bro code"?

Nero: You're all fools, if you think my years of life have not prepared me for such an intrusion.

Arihiko: *snickers*

Nero: And I have thought of the greatest punishment for you, my dear.

Akiha: Bring it!

Nero: A bikini.

Akiha: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Shiki: You can either profit by this, or be destroyed. It's your choice but I warn you not to underestimate my power.

Hisui: Shiki-sama, you are standing on the—

Nero: I have heard enough.

(Nero hits a switch; Shiki falls into a pit. Nero then hovers over the pit and out of his chest flies…

…A shark. Shiki backs away and the thing flops around uselessly in the sand)

Nero: That usually works out a lot differently.

Nero: Put them in!

(Shiki is jabbed off the end of the plank; he spins, grabs the plank as it rebounds, and flings himself up and back onto the skiff. Kohaku, from the main barge, throws him a knife. He catches it, then removes his glasses)

Shiki: So you have chosen—

Nanaya: —destruction.

(people start dying)

Nero: Fine, I shall deploy—

(he scratches at his throat)

Nero: What is this—

(he bursts into flames)

Akiha: Well, I get the fire part, that's what I meant to do, but why was he acting sick before that?

Kohaku: Hee…

Hisui: So we are going to Dagobah?

Shiki: Yes.

Hisui: Why are you taking me, instead of nee-san?

Shiki: She puts pop music on the radio. Really, kinda obnoxious.

Hisui: I see.

Shiki: So…uh, it's a long trip…

Hisui: Indeed.

Shiki: Wanna do something while we're at it?

(cue sexing)

Ciel: Look I so old to young eyes?

Shiki: Not really. I mean, honestly, you look hot.

Ciel: When you reach nine hundred years old, you won't look this great, I can tell you that.

Shiki: YOU'RE NINE HUNRED YEARS OLD?

Arc: Feh, I'm older than that.

Shiki: So is it true? Is Darth Vader my brother?

Ciel: He's also me.

Shiki: Wut.

Arc: He's also something of a failed project of mine.

Shiki: …Wut.

Ciel: And as far as we can tell, yeah, he is your adoptive brother SHIKI.

Shiki: Wait, huh? Adoptive brother? Not my real brother?

Arc: Yeah, you and Akiha's adoptive brother.

Shiki: Wait, huh? Akiha is my…wait, I'm confused. Also, what are the laws on incest with adoptive siblings?

Arihiko: They made you a general?

Satsuki: Someone must have heard of my little maneuvers in the back alleys of Misaki.

Arihiko: That sounds really dirty.

Roa/SHIKI: A small Rebel force has penetrated the shield.

Voice from the Emperor's chair: Yes, I know.

Roa/SHIKI: My brother is with them.

Voice: Your brother sure penetrates a lot of things, doesn't he?

Arihiko: You two stay here, Nanako and I can take care of this.

Shiki: Quietly. There might be more of them out there.

Arihiko: Hey…it's me!

Shiki: …

(Arihiko goes up, Nanako turns into a pile bunker, there's a massive sound like thunder)

Shiki: I've never actually seen him use that—wait, that's not important right now, dammit!

(A stick pokes Akiha awake, she startles)

Akiha: CUT IT OU—wha?

Len: …

Akiha: Aren't you just adorable.

Len: …

Akiha: Where is your home, little one?

(Len motions and Akiha follows)

Arihiko: What, Nanako?

Nanako: Dis looks delish!

(she pulls the carrot off a string and they're all entangled)

Arihiko: Great, Nanako, great, always thinkin' with your stomach.

Nanako: But I'm hungry…

(Kohaku untangles them and they fall amidst a bunch of short pointy-eared girls)

Arihiko: What should we do?

Hisui: I will handle this. *twirls finger hypnotically* Take us to your home.

Red Len: Should we?

White Len: Yeah.

Yellow Len: Right!

Arihiko: Akiha!

Shiki: Akiha!

Kohaku and Hisui: Akiha-sama!

(Akiha comes out of the Len village looking upset)

Shiki: What is it?

Akiha: …Their clothes fit me.

Shiki: I'm your brother?

Akiha: Yeah, well, the papers got all mixed up and you were sent away by accident. I've tried to get a hold of you, but, you know, millions of light years…

Shiki: Vader is our brother?

Akiha: Yeah, the douche. Go kick his ass.

Roa/SHIKI: The Emperor has been expecting you.

Shiki: I know, brother.

Roa/SHIKI: So you have accepted the truth.

Shiki: That the foster care system is bullshit and the state needs to get its act together, yeah, no doubt.

Arihiko: Back door, huh? Good idea.

(Len goes off and then distracts the guards by flying off with a speeder)

Arihiko: I like her.

Akiha: Of course you do. She's another strange little girl. Are you some kind of monster-pedo?

Voice: Welcome, young Nanaya. I have been expecting you.

(the chair turns)

Shiki: I…the Emperor is a girl?

Sion: All according to my calculations.

Shiki: Wait, who in their right mind calls a girl the 'Emperor'?

Sion: Just wait until you hear this story about the King of Gondor…

(Lens swarm the enemy base, but the doors are closed once again)

Arihiko: How're we gonna get back in?

Akiha: You idiot, you have a girl that transforms into a pile-bunker.

Arihiko: Oh. Right.

Roa/SHIKI: Arucreid has taught you well.

Shiki: I will not fight you, my brother.

Sion: He molested your sister.

Roa/SHIKI: And I'll do it again. Also, our dad regularly raped Kohaku, so maybe I'll continue the family tradition—

Shiki: I'LL KILL YOU FIRST.

Roa/SHIKI: You don't know the first thing about killing—

(glasses fall)

Nanaya: No, but I do.

Roa/SHIKI: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*dot stab*

Sion: All according to my calculations.

Nanaya: And what makes you think I won't kill you too?

Sion: I'm a cute girl that will instantly become a part of your harem and give up on this Empire business for some taste of Shiki?

Nanaya: That'll do.

(cue sexing)

Akiha: Shiki! You made i—who is that?

Shiki: Oh, no worries, she's with me.

Satsuki: Shiki! I survived the TYPE-MOON II's destruction!

Shiki: That's great.

(bypasses her to grab Kohaku)

Shiki: I heard about what happened.

Kohaku: Yeah, well, it's in the past. Did the drugs I gave you work?

Shiki: Drugs?

Kohaku: You know, the ones that whenever you take off your glasses, turn you into a sexy beast?

Shiki: That was drugs speaking?

Kohaku: Something like that. Did they work?

Nanaya: *removing glasses* What do you think?

(cue sexing)

Arc: Whoa, dammit, just in time for another victim. Man, I wanted to be the one he celebrated with.

Ciel: This is all your fault, we should've come straight here, but noooo, you had to dink around in that cave all day!

THE END?

Satsuki: But I survived! I wanted to be a part of this too!

END