Breaking Point

With each passing day…he gets closer and closer to breaking…

"Tell me about the Fourteenth!" The same words every day. And everyday they become harder to ignore.

Bookman sits in his chair tightlipped. As has happened yesterday and would happen tomorrow, Sheril demands information. And once again Bookman refuses to say anything. He just sits with his hands folded and brow furrowed. Occasionally, he shoots glances at the seat beside his. His apprentice sits there, held up by the Noah "Fiddle", for he is too weak to sit himself upright at this point. His breathing is ragged, worse than yesterday's but better than tomorrow's. The pain is undoubtly worse too, for Lavi's lip biting and forced swallowing come more frequently. Bookman is fortunate that he is to Lavi's right. This way he cannot see the dull green eye trying so hard to stay alert. If he could see it, then he would already lose.

There is nothing Bookman can do for his apprentice. The parasites continue to eat away at him everyday and everyday Bookman observes the effects of their poison. Lavi grows worse, holding down less food, getting thinner, unresponsive. Everyday is a struggle to stay alive for him, and a struggle to keep him alive for Bookman. Bookman's silence is his only lifeline. They both know the moment the last word leaves Bookman's lips; Lavi ceases to be a useful hostage.

Bookman doesn't know how much longer he can last. Everyday brings more panting, more retching and more interrogating. The Noah hold their promise of slowly killing Lavi to torture him longer, always managing to keep the boy just at the brink of death. Bookman can expect this tomorrow as well. The option isn't and never was "Talk or he dies." It is more of a "Talk or watch your apprentice suffer more and more everyday."

The days are almost all identical. The only change is time of interrogation and length of interrogation. It is clear that Sheril does not want the Millennium Earl to know of their capture. He always waits for the Earl to either sleep or leave. "Leave Days" are more frequent and brutal. It is on those days that Bookman and Lavi are forced out of their room and made to eat with the family present. Lavi doesn't eat, barely having the strength to lift his head so Sheril, a fine host in dire need of several needle pokes in very sensitive areas, forces as much food down his throat as he can before Lavi starts choking and retches on the floor, having no strength to reach a bathroom. Bookman can only glare in response. He is not allowed to get up from his seat and go to his apprentice, lest Sheril use all his strength to kick him in the stomach repeatedly again.

Lavi is given just enough time to clean up before the first round of interrogation begins. It lasts until lunch or until a more pressing matter comes up, although it usually doesn't. This is when Bookman sits tightlipped and Lavi's wheezes, fighting unconsciousness. He had lost exactly once before, and Bookman thought he would surely break.

Lunch is a repeat of breakfast, only with more Noah present, Sheril is forced to be less brutal, as, Bookman observes, the other Noah don't like wasting food. Lavi is even made to sit next to Bookman, though it is only so that the Noah can gossip and not so subtly hint that Bookman should talk and put his apprentice out of his misery. This time Bookman sits at the end of the table with Lavi to his left, though at the angle his whole head is visible. However, Lavi just places his head on folded arms down on the table; Bookman can't tall if he's asleep. However he also cannot see Lavi's eye, dull from pain or burning with hate. He doesn't break then.

The second interrogation is quicker, for Sheril leaves for home before dinner, though not before reminding Bookman how much closer he is to killing Lavi. It is that night in their watched room that Lavi thrashes in his cot delirious with fever as Bookman can only stand beside him. He dare not reach out, lest his old wrinkled fingers on his apprentice's hot clammy skin be the breaking point.

"Sleep Days" are easier, for Sheril spends less time with them and more with the Earl. Yet they are trapped in their room for the entire time, leaving Bookman to watch his apprentice struggle to sleep or crawl to the bathroom when his fever dreams reach their worst. Bookman knows what they're about; Lavi struggled with nightmares long before he was infected, so he knows that nothing he says will be of comfort.

It is when Lavi is awake that is trouble. He is only awake for meals, when Bookman has to coerce him to eat, even a little, and between fever dreams. It is those times that he talks. He doesn't say much, it tires him out quickly, but his quiet rasp is enough. He uses English, too stressed to remember the Bookmen code. Bookman struggles to hear, not because of his old ears, but because he is afraid to. Afraid that Lavi will curse him, beg him to talk. But he just talks of the order, his memories, his missions…Doug and Collette's names come up once, a sure sign that the breaking point is near.

Bookman just sits and listens, unable to respond. It is his fault that Lavi is in this state, and as much as he fears it, he wants to be blamed. At least then he can stop waiting on the day where Lavi can't take anymore. But Lavi has grown much stronger without his noticing. He is becoming a true Bookman.

He weighs his options. He could tell Lavi, in the code, all of the information Sheril wants and let the boy decide for himself what to do. But there was the risk of interception. He could continue to live like this and pray for a miracle, while Lavi continues to struggle. But how much more could he take? He could talk…

"Gramps…" It is an unusual day. The Earl is away, as is Sheril. Tyki Mikk is one of the few Noah around and as he cannot allow Lavi to die just yet, Bookman is able to bargain for some herbs. The herbs go to making a potion for Lavi, bitter in taste, but good for nausea. Lavi is only able to drink half before doubling over in pain, clutching his stomach. It is new symptom that appeared maybe two days previous, during a morning interrogation. Lavi's sudden collapse startled both Bookman and Sheril, though the latter was quickly amused and proceeded to taunt Bookman, reminding just how much worse Lavi's situation was getting.

Lavi recovers quickly though not before the potion is spilled to Bookman's disappointment. However there is some effect as what little lunch Lavi ate had yet to revisit him. As Bookman sits in the corner of the tiny room, deep in thought, Lavi lays in his cot. His panting is the only sound between them until he suddenly speaks. Bookman looks up at him frowning at the strain in his apprentice's voice. His eye is closed but Bookman knows Lavi can see him just fine. He waits for the boy to continue speaking but Lavi stays silent.

"Yes, Lavi?" he tries responding. Lavi just makes a head shaking motion and mutters, "Just checking." and turns to his other side with some struggle. Bookman comes around to him. He knows what Lavi is checking. He wants to know that his master is there. He doesn't expect any affection, Lavi knows a Bookman is not the affectionate type, but he finds comfort in knowing that he is not alone when he wakes. Bookman has contemplated showing concern, before realizing that he was incapable of doing so. He watches from a distance. It is the way things were always done.

But today is not yesterday. Today is the closest thing to a day of freedom that Bookman felt in a long time. He can no longer ignore Lavi's delirious thrashing, or pained moans when spews bile into the toilet. He cannot face tomorrow knowing that he is both Lavi's lifeline and his killer. He reaches a decision.

"Lavi," he is stern but gentle, loud enough for Lavi to catch the urgency in his voice and slightly open his eye, but quiet enough not to startle him. In the code he says, "We may not get another chance like this so listen carefully. I will pass onto you all of my knowledge about the Fourteenth and his relationship with the Millennium Earl. It is your choice how you use this knowledge but know that I—"

"No." Bookman stops, surprised at the outburst. Lavi's voice is quiet but the intensity of that one word is enough for Bookman to stop talking and meet his apprentice's opened eye. Lavi's eye is wide in fright, his pallid face, thin from the weight loss, magnifies it making him appear as the frightened war torn child Bookman met all those years ago. He had long forgotten that look. Lavi's 12th persona had been the last to bare it.

"Not one word." He continues, making an effort to sit up. Before Bookman could stop himself, he is by Lavi's side holding him up. He can feel Lavi's ribs through his shirt. Lavi doesn't turn to him, his gaze directed to the floor.

"If you tell me anything, then the sadist will switch our roles. I—" he swallows weakly "I'm not a Bookman yet. I can't stay emotionally distant, not to you." Bookman knows what he means. Even before the Black Order, when his apprentice had completely shut up his heart, he still showed signs of life to his mentor. A younger Lavi, known by a different name then, had been a war-traumatized child in need of emotional support, and Bookman's had been the closest he could get. Even after growing up, he could not sever his emotions to the one person who had been with him for those long twelve years.

"If it were you in my place, I would tell the sadist everything the moment he asked, regardless of the consequences." Lavi sighs deeply. "I'm sorry Gramps…I'm not strong." He slumps over into his cot, but not before Bookman catches a glimpse of his eye. It is an eye of defeat, one that wants to shed tears but can't. Is it dehydration…or something else?

Bookman is stunned at his apprentice's words. Strong…is that how Lavi sees it? Is it Bookman's strength that allows him to stay silent and let him wither away? Is Lavi just another emotional detachment that comes with the Bookman role?

That is not how he sees it. He spends a lot of time reminding Lavi to stay detached when he had already long ago broken the Bookmen code. He is the weak one. Bookman had many apprentices. Some died. Some quit. Lavi had come farther than most and it wasn't Bookman's age that wanted to keep him from training another. He would live forever if need be. It was that same emotional attachment that he ordered his apprentice to get rid of. Somewhere along the way he came to care about his apprentice. And he would rather his apprentice suffer in endless pain than lose him. He is weak. Lavi, who continues to fight the parasites with neither an ounce of self-pity nor disgust for the mentor making him fight, is the strong one.

But strength has its limits. He can see in Lavi's eye that he wants to break down and beg for mercy. From Sheril, from Bookman, from God…but he continues to bear the pain. How much longer will he last? Bookman is afraid to know.

That night Bookman lies in the makeshift cot he made out of the thick blanket their bed eventually came with. The bed is big enough for both of them but as Lavi's fever grew worse, it became impossible to sleep near him. Lavi is still; Bookman doubts that he is asleep for his breathing is still sporadic. His suspicion is confirmed when Lavi slowly turns to him and whispers in a low moan, "Gramps…"

Wordlessly Bookman gets up and goes over to him helping him out of the cot. He doesn't need to ask, for he's done this countless nights already. Quickly but carefully, he helps Lavi crouch to the toilet, in time for him to pull himself over the bowl. As he retches, sending his whole body into spasms, Bookman stands in the doorway watching solemnly. Tomorrow is another day. Another day of interrogation and watching Lavi cope with the parasites inside him. His breathing will be worse; he'll probably get even thinner. Maybe tomorrow there will be a new symptom.

As Lavi pulls himself away from the bowl head up, and breathing heavily, Bookman wonders:

Maybe tomorrow he'll finally break.

~Fin~

AN: I thought I'd try my hand at writing angst and this is the result. I'm actually satisfied with this though admittedly some things wrote out better in my head then on paper. What I really like though is the fact that since Bookman and Lavi are both male. depending on how you read some of the pronouns, the story changes.

Quick notes: Doug and Collette are characters from the 2nd Reverse novel in which Lavi investigates a Goddess statue that brings people back to life. In true D. Gray-man fashion...it's kinda depressing. You can find the translation on LJ

I tried to stick to canon as much as possible but I did take some liberties with Lavi and Bookman's past and Fiddler's parasites...and considering we only get about 4 pages of their total capture (and I'm bad at keeping track of days) I'm not entirely sure how long their supposed to be with the Noah (How much time passes between chapter 187 and 202? Are they there during the 3 month skip? Did Bookman tell Sheril everything before the skip?)

...I'm really hoping the next chapter provides more info...