Title: Top to Bottom

Summary: Cid and Vincent try to argue their point about who should be on top to a jury of their peers. Too bad they only had Avalanche as witnesses...

Warnings: Crude humor, weird "jokes" - I counted eleven; see if you can find them all, swearing, smoking, drinking, yaoi, etc.

Disclaimer: I only own my fucked up mind. Even then I don't always have complete custody of it.

Side Note: Something much lighter than my more recent posts.

"All right," Cloud said as he looked between the frustrated looking blonde and calm brunette. "Who wants to go first?"

"Hell, if they could figure that out we wouldn't be here," Yuffie sniped.

"Fuck you, too," Cid bit out as he crossed his arms, chewing absentmindedly on the lit cigarette clamped between his teeth. "Listen here; in every relation, there's a man an' a woman. Now, most couples, 'specially ya'll panty-chasers, ain't got no fuckin' problem figuring out just who's gonna pitch an' who's gonna catch."

"Oh, ew!" Yuffie cried out as Tifa shushed her.

"'Ey, shut yer fuckin' hole! I don't make comments about who the fuck ya wanna sleep with!" the pilot snapped.

"Cid," Vincent chastised.

"All right, so I do. Fuck off." Waving his hand, the blonde continued with his earlier statement as if nothing had happened. "We got this problem 'cause skinny britches over there thinks he's more of a dude than I am!"

"I know this, Chief, I am not merely thinking of it," the brunette cut in as he looked down at the blonde man. "There are rules..."

"Rules?" the Wutaian ninja chimed in even as Barret started trying to drown them out with a bottle of beer. "What rules?"

"Oh, here we fuckin' go..." Cid muttered as he rolled his eyes, knowing that the brunette ex-Turk was grinning behind the tall cowl of his cloak.

"It is quite simple; when in a relationship with two members of the same sex-" A snicker came from Reeve, who waved them off while trying to tap a sip from his mug of coffee. "The person who is more masculine-"

"Which is me, dammit!"

"In your dreams, Chief. The manliest of the two should top."

"That makes sense," Tifa said before getting up to get Barret another beer, ignoring the grumble of "Too fucking straight to listen to some queers figure out who's the queen."

"Indeed. Should both partners vie for the same position of dominance, the position goes to the larger of males."

"Are ya saying I got a small dick, Val?" Cid practically shrieked.

"Ha and ew!" Yuffie exclaimed.

"No," the brunette replied before looking to Nanaki.

"I do believe he is referring to the fact that more animals pick their mate by stature than penile size," the crimson creature weighed in.

"Though, Vincent does have a larger penis," Reeve commented before holding up his hands in mock surrender when Avalanche turned to look at him in confusion and aspiration while Cid glared at him and Barret snorted and choked on his beer, "I assume? I mean, Vincent is taller, has larger hands and feet..."

"Let's test it!" Yuffie practically squealed in delight.

"Fuck off!" Cid snarled as he flipped off the small woman. "We ain't showin' ya our dicks jus' so ya can get yer fucking rocks off! Go look at porn like the rest of the population!" Turning to fix the dark-haired gunner with a glare as he sucked on the filter of his cigarette and blew smoke out of his nose, the pilot continued to speak, "An' ya!" Reaching out, he grabbed the taller man's arm and tugged. "C'mere! We're gonna settle this once an fer all; who's the manliest of us. We're doin' this the way real men have done it fer years: between the sheets!"

Snorting as the blonde pilot tugged the vampire out of the room, Barret finished off his beer before opening the other one that Tifa had brought over, "Real men don't fuck other men."

"Anyone else tired of being called to settle their disputes every time?" Tifa asked, completely ignoring Barret's sentiment before smiling when everyone rose their hands. "I thought so."

"...You have to admit," Cloud said as he shrugged, trying to ignore the shriek of "What the fuck are ya doin'?" coming from down the hall. "They have the most fun with foreplay than the rest of us."

Review and let me know what you thought.