Disclaimer: "A Song of Ice and Fire" and its characters belong to George R. R. Martin; no one in their right mind would ever pay me to write all this crap, I did it for the lulz and because I was bored.

Author's note: This is an old, silly ficlet I wrote for the kink meme at LiveJournal.

Prompt: In "Heaven" (or the place where westerosi go after death), Rhaegar and Robert ship Arya the new Lyanna with different people (Arya/Jon, Arya/Gendry)

Robert Baratheon was somewhat disappointed. This is not how he imagined the afterlife. To be honest, he never gave it much thought because he never considered himself a religious man. However, he was confined in the Heaven of the Seven and his precious Lyanna remained out of his grasp most of the time, in the Heaven of the old gods. Even his favourite entertainments (fucking, drinking and fighting) became boring when there was no risk, no thrill. No wonder the favourite pastime of the dead was watching what the living did, but he had other plans.

He might not be able to kill a man who was already dead, no matter how much he tried, but mocking him was strangely satisfactory. Soon he spotted the object of his taunts, the prince Rhaegar, looking melancholically at his harp.

"Have you finally run out of inspiration to compose another of your horrible songs?" Robert raucous laughter resonated around them before he realised that the Targaryen prince was in fact having a look at the living. "What's so interesting about this group of boys?"

"I'm following closely the steps of this generation's she-wolf. I hope she has a happier ending than my beloved Lyanna" Rhaegar answered, earning a furious growl from Robert.

"Stay away from Lyanna you filthy kidnapper!" Robert shouted, forgetting that it was Lyanna who was staying away from them "You just spout nonsense! No one can compare to her, she was one of a kind. And just for you to know, that's a bunch of boys you're watching."

"Look closely, you'll find a familiar face maybe. Someone from her own family" Rhaegar patiently instructed.

"Seven Hells, that's Ned's unruly daughter! Which was her name again? Sansa? No, that was the pretty one. Arina? No… Arya, that's right." Robert said with honest surprise "But she's nothing like Lyanna, she's more like a wildling."

"She's a free spirit like Lyanna. Just let her grow up and you'll see" Rhaegar said with a little smile.

"Whatever, at least this one won't have to suffer the interference of a prick like you between her and her man." Robert dismissed his opponent.

"She will need a good man," Rhaegar pondered "and I think I've found the perfect option."

"You're playing matchmaker now, like a crone?" the former King of westeros scorned the defeated prince. He was going to add something else when he saw who Rhaegar was watching now. "Ned's bastard? You want her to be with her brother? You're a sick pervert, Targaryen." Rhaegar turned around offended, but Robert cut him before he could even begin. "Besides, the boy is a man of the Nightwatch, he can't marry."

"Right now her group is going to the Wall, where they will meet again. They are very attached to each other, you know?" Rhaegar explained, completely ignoring Robert's previous remarks "As for marrying or not… who knows what awaits in the future?"

"Even if you ignore the fact they're brothers and he's a man of the Nightwatch… the boy is too serious and solemn, boring. She would need a strong and lively boy, like that one who's talking always with her. I can tell she likes to have him around." Robert argued changing the image back to Arya and the group of new recruits for the Wall.

"You want her with one of your bastards?" Rhaegar said with contempt "My option was far better!"

"He's one of my bastards, you say? Ha, I knew he was a good boy!" Robert happily laughed "Why are you so fixated with Ned's boy anyway? Apart from the incest fetish all you Targaryens have."

"I think he might be my son." Rhaegar coldly informed, choosing to not pay attention to Robert's ignorance of the ways of the dragons.

"You 'think'? You mean you don't even know for sure?"

"The last time I saw Lyanna she was pregnant, but I don't know if she died before giving birth or…" Rhaegar stiffly explained "Everything was so confusing right after my death, I needed a time to adapt, and then Stark claimed that the baby was his bastard…"

"NED!" Robert roared, going all red faced in an attack of fury "I heard you're dead too so move your arse here! You have some explaining to do!"

In the meantime, Ned had been hearing their conversation from afar, bewildered. So when Robert cried for him, he prepared himself for a conversation he knew it would be difficult. However, someone grabbed his arm and prevented him from going to their encounter.

"Come with me brother, father and Brandon are waiting for you." Lyanna whispered from behind him "I think Robert and Rhaegar can wait a little longer. Let them argue, it's quite amusing."

END