Disclaimer: I do not own anyone from the L Word
A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews and encorugement I really love knowing what you guys think, thank you! Love forever and always.
CARMEN POV
Soft, feather light, kisses on my bare shoulder woke me up; I could feel a smile forming on my face as my eyes fluttered open.
"I like waking up like this" I felt her smile against my skin; she moved her lips away from my shoulder and on to my neck.
"Me too" She whispered against my neck.
I turned in her arms so I could face her, her green eyes smiled at me before her lips did. She lifted her head off the pillow and leaned in to kiss me, our lips moving smoothly together. I parted my lips and let her tongue in but only for a moment, I pulled away before it could get heated.
"Shane, I have to go" I spoke against her lips.
"Why?" She frowned.
"I have to PA at some music video" I kissed her once more before turning around, I was about to sit up when she pulled me back down and into her.
"Fuck it, just stay here" I laughed, her lips made their way onto my naked back.
I'm so in love with Shane and I love knowing she feels the same way, we've been together for two months and things are going pretty great. A month ago Jenny left to go to Skokie to get some help and I knew Shane was missing her, whatever time we spent together I tried to take her mind off Jenny.
Mark is moving out this month and that leaves Shane alone in this house, it worries me more than I want to admit. I know that she's an adult and can take care of herself, that's not what worries me because I know that Bette and Tina are next door if she ever needed help. The thoughts that run through her head is what worries me, Shane likes to put herself down but it stops when I'm around...I don't want her to think bad about herself, I don't want her to do anything stupid when she's alone with her thoughts.
"Mmm" My voice held a sigh when her lips touched that spot on my neck that melts me. "I really have to go, I start in like..." I lifted my head and looked at the alarm clock, it read '8:30'. "Two hours"
"Two hours?" I nodded. "Then why do you have to leave now?"
"Well" I turned my head to face her. "I have to go home and take a shower, change and then head to my mother's for breakfast, because she's complaining about not seeing me for like a week" Shane laughed at that, I complain about my mom a lot but she knows that I love her more than anything.
"What an effort" I laughed.
"Yeah, you're telling me but it's worth it for nights like last night" She smiled at me before kissing me, I pulled back again. "Okay, now I really have to go" I started to move away from her again.
"Wait" She pulled me back again. "I really want to talk to you about something"
"Shane-"I started, but she cut me off.
"I really need to talk to you about it, please?" I relaxed in her arms and nodded. "You know how Mark is moving out" I nodded again. "And I don't know when Jenny is going to be back, with both of them gone I won't be able to make rent" She shifted before continuing. "So, I was wondering if you wanted to move in with me"
"What?" To say that I was in shock would be putting it lightly; I turned in her arms again to face her.
"Do you want to move in with me?" She asked again, her voice held a softness I didn't hear often.
"Are you asking me to move in only to help you with rent?" I was fine if that was the reason why, but I wanted to know what the reason was.
"No, I want you to move in with me because I love you and I love what we have" Her green orbs held love; I had only seen them like that one other time. Two months ago when she told me she loved me for the first time.
"I love you too" I leaned in and kissed her, forgetting that I had a job to get to. I placed my hand on her cheek as we pulled back.
"Having you help me with rent wouldn't hurt either" We both laughed, I slapped her arm playfully.
"Way to ruin the moment" I said with a laugh.
"So, will you?" I looked past her, considering the pros and cons quickly. I looked back at her and pros outweighed the cons automatically.
"Yes" She smiled at me before pulling me into a hug.
I pulled away from her and kissed her once more before sitting up in the bed, I started to pull my clothes back on all the while feeling her eyes on me.
"This is going to be great Shane" I leaned across the bed and kissed her once more.
BUZZ...BUZZ...BUZZ
My cell vibrating beside me woke me up from the broke memory, I patted the bed till my hand landed on the phone. I tried to focus my eyes on the caller ID.
"Sunset, it's way too early" I mumbled out.
"Sugar, it's almost one in the afternoon" I lifted my head and looked over at the alarm clock.
"Fuck" I mumbled before sitting up. "Were you giving me a wakeup call or...?" I really hated being woken up from my sleep.
"Kit wants you to meet her at the Planet" I ran a hand through my hair and shook my head.
"When?" I stood up and began to make my way to the bathroom.
"As soon as you can" I winced at my reflection.
"Alright" I hung up before Sunset could say anything more.
I took a closer look at myself in the mirror, dark circles under my eyes, sunk in eyes, an all around worn out look on my face.
It had been almost two weeks since I had seen the girls at Hit; it was really nice seeing them I really had missed them. Tina told me not to be a stranger, at least I think it was Tina kind of hard to remember, but I couldn't help it. Every time I thought about seeing the girls I thought about seeing Shane, when I see Shane I see myself in that fucking dress...Alone.
I know that when I go see Kit she's going to want me to spin for her, if could afford to blow it off I would, but rent is coming up and I spent my last paycheque on drugs and alcohol. Unfortunately I need the money, Jessie moved out last week and now I'm on my own.
I walked back into my room and went over to the bedside table, I opened the top drawer and pulled out a needle and a small bag of black tar heroin. I moved to the back of my room door and grabbed the belt hanging from there. I gathered everything and moved into the kitchen, I grabbed a spoon from the drawer before reaching for the heroin again. I put the amount I needed into the spoon and placed it down, I picked up the belt and tightened it around the bend of my arm. I lifted the spoon up and then a lighter that was on the counter, I lit it and waited. As soon as it was dissolved I grabbed the needle and put the tip into it and pulled the plunger back till the needle was filled with the drug of choice.
I closed my hand into a fist before placing the tip of the needle near my vain; I took a deep breath and pushed it in. I let it sit for a moment before pushing the plunger down, I felt my body hum as the drug invaded my system. I grabbed the chair at the dinner table and sat down, the crappiness I felt this morning went away with the drug. This is why I love the high.
I stood up once I was sure my legs would hold me, I made my way to the bathroom and got ready to head out. I changed into shorts and a tight fitting long sleeve shirt; I grabbed my black sunglasses and headed out. I was going to have to walk there, not because it would be safe, but I just couldn't find my car keys.
-
SHANE POV
"So my mother wants us to have breakfast with her tomorrow" I looked at Molly with a raise of my eyebrow and a small smirk.
"Us?" I asked and she laughed. "Why?"
"I don't know why, but please say you'll go because I really don't want to have to deal with her on my own" I laughed, wrapping my arm around her shoulder.
"I would never let you deal with your mother alone" She gave me a small smile.
I leaned forward in my chair and kissed her, I felt her cup my cheek as she kissed me back. She opened her mouth and let my tongue in, before I could deepen it more a voice interrupted us.
"Come on, public place Shane" I broke the kiss and glared at Alice. "I mean I know this is WeHo and we're in the Planet, but come on"
"Fuck off Al" I said with a small smirk, she returned it.
"Hey guys" Our eyes turned to the new voices, Bette and Tina.
"Hey" Molly greeted back, Alice and I smiled at them.
"Where's my earth child?" Alice asked as she got comfortable in her chair.
"With Kit and Helena" Bette answered before taking a sip of her coffee.
"I'm going to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back" Molly kissed me before heading off.
I smiled at her retreating form, but the smile didn't last when Tina began to speak.
"Have you guys heard anything from Carmen since Hit?" I moved my eyes to the floor.
"No, I really missed her" Alice said.
"Yeah, it was really great seeing her" I heard Tina say as I turned my eyes back to the girls, Alice was staring at me
"What?" My voice held some harshness, she gave me a look and I knew what she was asking. "Alice, I already told you that I tried to talk to her and she told me to fuck off"
"As she should have" I looked over at Bette, that hurt but I knew it was true. "I'm sorry, I love you Shane you know I do but what you did to Carmen..." She trailed off.
"I know" I gave her a nod before looking away again.
I was thankful when Molly made her way back over to us.
"Ready to go?" She asked as she picked her purse up.
"Yeah" I stood up.
"Where are you guys going?" Tina asked.
"Back to the house" The three of them threw us smirks. "Just to hang out"
"Right Shane, because every time you're alone with a girl you 'hang out'" Alice finished it with air quotes.
"No Alice, we really are just hanging out" Molly said with a small laugh as she interlocked our fingers. "Come on"
We said our byes and headed out the door, just as we were stepping out...
CARMEN POV
I was stepping in; I looked her before turning my eyes to Molly. She gave me a timid smile and I returned it, I don't have anything against this girl in fact I feel sorry for her. I can see how in love she is with Shane; it's just a matter of time before Shane rips her heart apart.
"Hey Carmen" I just looked at Shane as I walked into the Planet, if only she could see the glare in my eyes.
I walked into the cafe and looked around for Kit, I could see her anywhere.
"Carmen!" I turned and saw the girls sitting at their regular table.
I smiled at them and made my way over, taking a seat beside Alice.
"Where have you been? We see you like two weeks ago and then you just disappear again" I let out a laugh before placing my hand on Alice's shoulder, hoping to calm her down.
"I'm sorry, things just came up" The three gave me a nod.
"Kind of like when you moved away and wouldn't answer our calls" I looked over at Bette, with what I'm sure is a sad smile.
"I'm sorry about that, I just couldn't...I couldn't..." I didn't know how to finish my sentence, but I didn't have to they gave me an understanding nod.
"We get it" Tina said after sipping her tea. "We just wanted you to know that we were there for you"
"I know" I gave them a smile.
"Carmen?" I turned my head and smiled at the person standing in front of me.
"Max" I stood up and smiled at him, we gave each other an awkward hug. "You look good" I patted his shoulder before sitting down.
"Thanks, it's really good to see you" He took a seat on the other side of me.
"Hey guys" I looked up and saw Alice's girlfriend, Tasha I think, standing in front of us.
We all greeted her as she took a seat beside Bette.
"Bette, where's Kit?" I asked as I looked around.
"In her office" Bette answered as she pointed me in the direction.
"Alright, I'm going to go talk to her and I'll be back" I stood up and my head began to spin.
"Are you okay?" Tasha asked, I looked at her before nodding with a small smile.
I gathered myself before I started walking; I knocked on the door and opened it after I heard 'Come in'.
"Hey" Kit and Helena both smiled at me.
"Hey girl" Kit stood up and pulled me into a hug.
"How are you Carmen?" Helena asked from her seat.
"I'm doing great" I looked down when a movement caught my attention.
Sitting on the ground next to Kit's desk was Angelica; she had grown up so much and she's so beautiful.
"Oh my gosh, she's so big" I nodded my head to the little girl.
"Yeah, Angelica" She looked up at Kit and me. "This is an old friend of ours, can you say hi?"
She looked at me and gave me a small wave.
"Hi Angelica" I wave right back, she shyly looked away.
"Alright, I'm going to take her to Mama T and Mama B" Helena bent down and picked Angelica up. "So, Kit can talk to you" She gave me a smile as she walked passed us, closing the door.
"You gonna keep those sunglasses on? We're in an office" I laughed, it was forced. I need to come up with a believable answer.
"Trust me, you don't want to see these eyes they look horrible today" She laughed as she walked back to her seat, I took a seat in front of her.
"So, what's going on?" I asked with a small smile, leaning back in my seat.
"I want DJ Sugar back" I let out a laugh and shook my head.
"Kit..." I put up a small protest, I don't want to sound desperate...But I am.
"Come on Carmen, you know this is going to be great" She leaned forward on her seat, folding her hands on her desk. "It's been a long time since someone rocked a dance floor the way you did two weeks ago" I gave her a hesitant look. "This is how it would work, Hit will be Monday's and Thursday's and the Planet will be Tuesday's, Wednesday's and Friday's"
"The pay's going to be good?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Of course" Her face held a big smile.
"Alright!" I slapped her desk. "I'm in"
"I knew you would be!" She stood up and I followed, she pulled me into a tight hug. "This is going to be great"
"I'm sure" I said with a laugh, pulling back.
We talked a little longer before I left her office.
"Hey Carmen" I turned and smiled at Jenny.
"Hey Jenny" I walked up to her. "Why aren't you sitting with them?" I nudged my head to the girls.
"Alice doesn't want me there and I'd rather not deal with her right now" She answered with a shrug, taking a bite out of her scone. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm going to be spinning for Kit again" I ran a hand through my hair as I answered her.
"Wow, that's great" I gave her a small smile.
"I'm glad I ran into you, I know my mom picked up most of my stuff when I moved out" Jenny nodded. "But she forgot a couple of boxes of records and mixes, I was wondering if I could pick them up?"
"Yeah of course, I'm going back to the house now to meet up with my girlfriend. Why don't you come with me?" She got off her chair and put her bag over her shoulder.
"I can't today I don't have my car with me" She shrugged again.
"I'll drive you home after" I gave her a smile.
"Thanks Jenny" She nodded with a smile. "So you have a girlfriend?" I asked with a smile, before we could walk.
"Yeah, Nikki Stevens" Why did that name sound so familiar to me? Then it hit me.
"The actress?" She nodded with a huge smile.
"Yeah, a really step up from you, huh?" My smile faltered as she laughed and walked passed me, patting my shoulder.
No wonder they all think she's a bitch.
I watched Jenny leave as I walked over to the girls.
"Alright, I'm gonna head out and I'll see you guys when I do" I was about to walk away when Tina stopped me.
"Hold on, number please" She held her phone out to me.
I let out a laugh, I looked at the phone but it was hazy and I couldn't tell the numbers apart, the high was starting to come down.
"Alright, but can you put it in? We'll be here for a year if I do it" Tina laughed but nodded. "(323) 143-2311" I saw the other Bette, Alice and Max putting in the number as I said it out loud.
I said my goodbyes and headed out to Jenny's, very nice and expensive looking, car.
-
CARMEN POV
It wasn't long before we were in front of the house I once called home, Jenny got out and I followed. I had to keep myself stable as we walked to the front door, my head was spinning and my heart was racing...I'm not sure if it's because of the drugs or if it's all the memories that are hitting me.
"Shane's home?" I asked when I spotted her jeep.
"She might be" She answered as she put her key into the lock.
I really hoped she wasn't, I don't want to see her and I don't want her to try and talk to me...It's just not something I want to have to deal with.
Jenny swung the door open and I had to look away as soon as we walked in. There on the couch was a topless Shane on top of a topless Molly; I heard movement and I knew they jumped apart.
"Shit!" I heard Shane curse. "I'm sorry" Was she talking to me or Jenny?
"Couldn't wait long enough to get to the bedroom?" My voice held bitterness.
I looked back at them and saw Molly pulling her top on, Shane opened her mouth to say something but Jenny cut her off.
"The boxes are in the attic, the attic door is in my closet" I nodded and walked away before Shane had a chance to say anything.
SHANE POV
"Jenny" She looked away from Carmen's retreating form to look at me. "What is she doing here?" I stood up and put my belt back on.
"She's picking up some of the stuff that her mother forgot" I ran a frustrated hand through my hair.
"You couldn't call and let me know?" Is Jenny trying to destroy any chance I have to get Carmen to talk to me?
"I didn't know you were going to be home" She answered me as if I was a child. "Even if you I knew you were home, why would you being doing that on the couch?"
"Shane, calm down" Molly said standing up, placing a hand on my waist. "It's alright, she saw us making out so what?"
"I didn't want her to see that" I answered Molly, but kept my eyes on Jenny.
"Why?" I turned my eyes to Molly and realized that I had no idea how to answer, why do I care?
"I don't want to hurt her more than I already have" She gave me a small nod and looked away, I don't think she believes me...I don't know if I believe me.
We turned when we heard footsteps coming our way, Carmen walked in both her arms had a box under each one. She didn't look at me as she walked out the door; I didn't hesitate to follow her out.
"Carmen, please wait" She put the boxes in the backseat of Jenny's car before turning to me sharply.
"Let me ask you something" I shut my mouth. "How long did you wait after dumping my ass?" I winced at the words.
"What do you mean?" I asked her softly.
"How long did you wait before you fucked another girl?" Shit, how do I answer that?
"Three months" I mumbled, Carmen laughed it held bitterness and sarcasm.
"Three fucking months" She ran a hand through her hair. "Molly?"
"No, a women named Paige" I looked away, not able to look in her eyes anymore.
"You break her heart?" I nodded; I looked up when Jenny stepped beside her. "How?"
"She cheated" I shot a look at Jenny; she gave me an apologetic smile before getting in the car.
"Well, at least you didn't leave her at the altar" Carmen shot me a sarcastic smile and shook her head before she got into the car and the two drove off.
I turned to go back into the house when I saw Molly leaning against the door.
"Have I just been wasting my time all these months?" I gave her a confused look, all the while moving closer to her. "Because lately it feels like I have" I stopped in front of her.
"What are you talking about Molly?" She moved her eyes away from mine, shaking her head.
"Ever since Carmen came back, it feels like this huge...Weight has come down on our relationship" She took a shaky breath, I looked at her and saw her fighting tears. "I need to know Shane, am I a replacement for her, were you just waiting for her to get home so you could try it all over again?"
"No!" I took her hands in to mine. "Molly, I really screwed up with her and I want...I want-I need to make things right with her, the guilt of what I did to her has been eating at me for the last two years and I need to close that chapter in my life" I took a second to think over what I was about to say. "I need to do it for me...And for her, I owe her that much" Molly nodded, but I could see the hesitation in her eyes. "But I am not leaving you, you were never a replacement for me and you never will be" I put a hand on her cheek to make her look me in the eyes.
"I believe you Shane, but it's just what I've been feeling" I nodded before I put my forehead against hers.
"I know and I'm so sorry for making you feel like that" I pulled away from her and locked our eyes. "I love you Molly'
"I love you too Shane" I kissed her deeply; once we broke I pulled her into an embrace.
-
CARMEN POV
Three fucking months, I picked up the bottle of vodka in front of me and poured some into a shot glass-downing it, that's how long she waited before fucking someone else. Another shot. In those same three months I cried myself to sleep every night and questioned what I did wrong ever morning, hell that lasted at least six months. Another shot. In those six months she was probably fucking every girl that she walked passed. Another shot. I hate that this shit still affects me, I hate that she can still fuck with my heart and my head. Shot. I don't love her. Shot. I don't love her. Shot. I don't love her. Shot. I hate that I ever fell in love with her. Shot.