We OWN nothing.

The Second Coming of Dick

Chapter Six: Forest Fire

Sasuke wasn't always quite sure what to make of his robe-clad, apparently immortal teammate. This itself was unusual, since Sasuke always made up his mind about things fairly quickly, like how his brother simply had to die, or how tomatoes were absolutely delicious.

But, in this case, the strange figure of Naruto Uzumaki left him a little bewildered. Part of him desperately craved the power that the robe-wearing boy held. After all, after the Battle at Bone Bridge, Sasuke had gone through several nights of lovely sleep to the image of Itachi's skeleton deciding to remove it's outer covering and go for a brisk stroll along a sandy beach.

There was another part of him, one screaming for attention, that said very plainly that his teammate was bad news, and that he should take steps to endure that he was in a separate country whenever Naruto decided to light something (or someone) up. Those thoughts were becoming more and more prevalent by the day. However, the idea of gaining such magnificent power kept him from drastic actions.

Long story short, he really wanted to pull his brother's skeleton out and show it to him.

Sakura, however, made things very clear about how she felt when it came to their psychopathic ally. She had no trouble loudly stating her opinion.

Like now, when they should have been training.

"Get away from me, you crazy creep!" she yelled, having turned around and discovered that Naruto had somehow appeared behind her.

"I just wanted a sample of your skin." Naruto responded in an affronted tone. Didn't people realize how hard it was to find good samples of leather to make a satchel of sufficient quality?

"Only Sasuke can touch my skin!" said Sakura. Sasuke was snapped out of his brooding as his name was invoked. He turned to look at the pair, where his female teammate was looking at him with adoring eyes.

His response was a simple, "Hm."

Before this could escalate further, Kakashi showed up in a swirl of leaves. He was, of course, late. However, his perpetual lateness stemmed from a cause different than visiting the memorial stone. Two causes actually.

The first was his meeting with the Hokage and the sensei of the other teams to talk about the Chunin Exams that were about to happen.

The second reason for his tardiness was that he felt the need to speak to a therapist about his feelings towards his psychopathic genin student. It really did wonders to his mental state, getting a chance to talk it all out to a listening and sympathetic ear.

Yes, Kakashi was happy that he began his talks with Doctor Kabuto.

Ibiki had heard the rumors about Kakashi's terrifying new student, but had always taken them with a grain of salt.

There was no way it was that bad, right?

Right?

As Konoha's Chief Interrogator came to learn, it was worse.

As the first exam started, everyone dove into their test papers. The first few minutes were full of pencils scratching, pages turning, and a few repressed moans of despair. Basically, the same noises heard during any test.

After a few minutes went by, everyone started trying to cheat. Again, this is not necessarily unusual behavior in a testing environment, but the added presence of ninja made things a bit more interesting.

The smarter ones, AKA the ones who could cheat without getting caught, quickly figured out how to use their assorted gifts to get the answers they desperately needed. Dojutsu, mirrors, bugs, even a dog, these techniques were all deployed on the quest of information gathering.

It was Kakashi's brat that did things a bit differently.

Naruto Uzumaki looked around the room and spotted someone who had apparently already finished. Ibiki followed his gaze and identified him as one of the planted Chunin who had been given the all the answers. Since the Chunin in question was three rows down from the boy, Ibiki gave the signal to not count it against his score, mostly because he was curious as to the boy's technique.

In a signal brisk movement, Uzumaki stood up and began to make his way towards the Chunin. He didn't bother to attempt any form of cloaking, hiding, or subterfuge. Ibiki prepared to downgrade his score.

The boy stopped in front of the Chunin and calmly placed his hands on the desk, looking into the plant's eyes. He stayed still for a second, simply observing the confused Chunin and not even bothering to look at his test, before asking a simple question.

"Your test, or your hand?"

The Chunin, who Ibiki recognized as Tomotsuu, responded with, "What?"

Uzumaki pulled a kunai out of his sleeve and put it through Tomotsuu's hand, pinning it to the table. His scream echoed through the room and caught the attention of everyone. As blood began to pool, Uzumaki grabbed Tomotsuu's chin with his other hand and forced him to look into his pure blue eyes.

"Your test, or your hand? I assume you have a preference?" he repeated.

This time, he got the response he wanted, in the form of a blood-stained test being shoved at him. Naruto calmly collected the test and removed his kunai, causing Tomotsuu to scream again and fall out of his chair, cradling his injured hand. The kunai disappeared into his robes, and, with a quiet "Thank you," Uzumaki calmly resumed his seat, peering through the blood and copying the answers he wanted.

The injured Chunin was ushered out, along with two others who were posing as his teammates. Technically, it was his first time cheating in the exam, so Ibiki followed the rules and marked Uzumaki down as a first offender out of five.

At this point, Ibiki started to put more faith in the rumors.

The other incident came about after he announced the Dreaded Tenth Question, the Question That Was Never Answered. As the genin frantically looked back and forth amongst themselves, Ibiki felt a measure of enjoyment at putting the fear of him into their souls. Then he looked at Uzumaki, who was glaring at his female teammate.

Sakura Haruno had begun to raise her hand, signaling her plan to forfeit the exam under the impression that she was saving her ninja career. She had been stopped in mid act by her teammate, who simply gave her a Look.

Ibiki was a master interrogator, and he knew everything there was to know about body language and facial expressions. The Look that was being sent was not a gesture of support, acknowledgement, or even sadness. Oh no, this Look only said one, simple phrase, one that he was sure was felt by the recipient quite clearly:

I know where you live.

After being given the Look, Haruno quietly put her hand down on the desk, making sure that her terrifying teammate could see it clearly.

Ibiki suddenly felt a lot more sympathy for Kakashi.

After the brats had all left, Ibiki was left to pick up all the tests. To his credit, he only hesitated for a second before heading over to Uzumaki's seat and gingerly picking up the bloody paper by a clean corner. He had just gotten his trench-coat back from the dry cleaners the day before, after all, and he didn't want to mess it up with blood already.

He needed a drink. Badly.

If this was the stuff Kakashi was dealing with daily, it was a miracle that the one-eyed Jonin wasn't a full-blown alcoholic already. Meeting with that therapist must be doing wonders for him.

The three of them were walking through the dreaded Training Ground 44, better known as the Forest of Death. Not much had happened after the eventful First Exam. They had been given their scrolls by the scary lady at the gate, who seemed rather interested in Naruto, and then been turned loose in the forest that was supposed to be full of dangerous creatures.

They hadn't actually seen any of these supposed beasts yet, though. It was actually a rather refreshing stroll, but it did leave them wondering about the potential for hunting later.

In truth, the creatures of the Forest of Death all had well-developed survival instincts, and none of them were going to even think about going near Naruto Uzumaki. They were hungry, but they weren't that hungry.

For now, the only noise came from the rustling leaves, the gusts of wind, and their female teammate.

"-and I can't believe you put a kunai in his hand! What if we get denied promotion because of it?! You agree, right Sasuke?"

"Hm."

"See? He agrees with me! After I become Chunin, I'm never working with you again, you creep!"

Sakura's yelling kept them from hearing their surroundings, which is why none of them realized that a giant gust of wind was blowing towards them until Naruto made a wall of ice in front of them.

However, the ice was thick, and kept them from seeing the follow-up attack.

Sasuke was the only one who got out of the way of the snake.

Naruto was not particularly fond of most people, but he could definitely say that he found his teammates amusing, which is why they were still alive. That being said, he didn't like it when his female teammate screamed at him, and now he didn't even have the option of moving away! Life wasn't fair at all!

"GET US OUT OF HERE!" Sakura screamed from her position next to him, underneath a giant snake. Naruto tried to tune her out, focusing on a small ant crawling on the ground near his nose.

"BURN IT! STAB IT! PULL IT'S SKELETON OUT! JUST DO SOMETHING!" That got Naruto's attention.

"Oh? I find it amusing that not even twenty-four hours ago, you were sooo judgemental of me and my methods." He retorted, looking at Sakura by turning his head at an angle that would be uncomfortable even for people who didn't have a 30 ton snake sitting on them.

"But now that you're in trouble, it's all 'Oh Naruto! Pull it's skeleton out! Oh please, kill it with fire!'" he continued, his voice taking on a high falsetto mimicry of his teammate's voice.

"Can you do it or not?!" Sakura growled, thoroughly sick of her undead teammate. She was definitely going to request a transfer to another team if they lived. She'd rather deal with Ino-pig than go another day with Naruto's antics.

"Well..." Naruto considered the possibilities and tried to shimmy around. "Both my arms are pinned down, my leg is broken and hasn't healed yet, and I haven't had any luck at glaring things to death yet, so no, I can't."

Sakura groaned and slammed her forehead into the ground. Not only was she going to die, she was going to die with her insane nutjob of a teammate next to her. Her only hope was...

"SASUKE! HELP ME!" she screamed.

A muffled response came from near the front of the snake.

"I'M A LITTLE BUSY AT THE MOMENT!"

The snake's neck twisted around a little to reveal that Sasuke was partially down it's throat, only his head, shoulders, and right arm still visible. His only loose hand was frantically stabbing a kunai into the snake's nose, trying to make it let go of him.

Naruto began laughing at the sight.

Sakura screamed at the sight of her partially swallowed crush.

Deep inside Naruto's mind, Kurama grumbled.

"Fine, I'll do it myself."

Naruto's body exploded into red chakra. The snake hissed in pain as the ninja warlock literally burned it in half. It's natural gag reflex kicked in during it's death throes, and Sasuke was puked up.

His leg snapped back into place, already healed, and Naruto stood up. He stretched his back, cracking several vertebrae. 'Thanks for that, Kurama.' He thought to his tenant.

"Whatever." was the response.

Naruto looked around and assessed the situation. He was alright, Sakura was covered in dirt and guts, and Sasuke was soaked in snake puke. Something about this scene just screamed perfection.

Or maybe it was just Sakura screaming again. That's what it probably was.

She was actually screaming. And vomiting. Again. If she kept puking whenever a little blood got spilled, she wouldn't need a diet anymore.

A voice echoed from atop a nearby tree. The voice was sibilant and smooth, one of those voices that sent shivers down the spine.

"This is not how I'd thought things would go."

'Manda's going to be pissed.'

That was the first thought that went through Orochimaru's head. The Snake Boss had demanded One Hundred Souls as payment for the help of one of his children.

With that child now dead, he would be in a snit for weeks.

Shaking those thoughts from his mind, the Snake Sannin jumped down to complete his task.

The girl was a write-off, shaking at the knees and covered in blood, dirt, and her own vomit. A single blast of killing intent knocked her over. The Uchiha tried to get to his feet and assume a fighting position, but he slipped in the snake puke and fell back over.

Two out of three were on the ground, and the third one...

Where was the third one?

Orochimaru's instincts suddenly screamed at him to move, and he ducked just in time to see the robe-clad jinchuriki pass over him and land on the ground behind him. Grinning he pushed chakra into his hand for the Five Elements Seal. With a fluid movement, he slammed his glowing hand into the boys stomach and waited for the screaming and writhing to start.

Nothing happened.

The boy remained standing, simply looking at Orochimaru with a raised eyebrow.

Frowning, he tried again, thinking that he had gotten something wrong the first time.

Still nothing. A third and fourth attempt yielded similar results.

"That usually works." Orochimaru said, trying to figure out the problem.

"Well, performance issues aren't uncommon in older men, you know. One out of five, I hear." the boy said, looking completely unruffled by Orochimaru's poking.

Then he held out his hand, which was on fire.

"Let me see if this fixes the problem." the boy said conversationally.

The resulting explosion could be seen from the Hokage's tower. The Hokage, who was looking out his window at the time, choked on his pipe and called for the ANBU to figure out what the actual fuck had just happened.

Naruto surveyed what was left of their section of the forest. Most of it was gone, and what left was smoldering. Sasuke and Sakura had ducked for cover the moment they saw his flaming hand, and had hidden behind the carcass of the giant snake. The body in question was now mostly a large, charred skeleton. They peeked out now, gaping at the destruction.

Naruto took a deep breath, savoring the smell of cooked meat and burning wood.

"Ah, there's no kill quite like overkill." he said to the air.

Then a sword went through his chest.

Orochimaru was burned, tired, and pissed off. Everything had gone wrong thanks to the brat in front him. He would be lucky if Manda would even listen to him for a month due to his dead child, let alone answer the summoning contract, his favorite clothes had been ruined, and he had needed to shed his skin in order to escape the blast.

He hated shedding his skin from fire damage. It made him all itchy.

The Snake Sannin pinned the troublesome brat to the ground with his blade. First, he was going to mark the Uchiha, then he would kill the girl and make the brat watch. After that he would extract as much pain as humanly possible from the little robe-wearing monster before putting him out of his misery and going home for a stiff drink.

He heard a noise behind him and recognized the signature of his subordinates chakra.

"My lord, I came the moment I saw the explosion! What happened?" Kabuto asked, scared to see his master in such a state.

Orochimaru took a deep, steadying breath. "This brat happened." he stated while twisting his Kusanagi, trying to get a reaction from the boy.

Kabuto was shocked. "Him?! I knew he was strong from my therapy sessions with his sensei, but to do all this-"

"It matters not." Orochimaru declared. "Bring the Uchiha over here." His legs were a little unsteady, so he let go of his blade and moved to sit on a fallen tree. It would be far better to have his underling do it. It would remind him of who's in charge.

The spectacled spy shook off his shock. "Of course my lord." He took a few steps forward, but then stopped dead in his tracks.

Literally, judging from the Kusanagi blade piercing through his neck.

Turing around quickly and painfully, Orochimaru saw the Uzumaki brat standing up, his arm still outstretched from throwing the sword. The wound was slowly closing, leaking a green substance.

"I guess Kakashi-sensei needs a new therapist." the boy commented, before turning to the Snake Sannin.

His body burnt, his underling dead, Orochimaru moved quick. Flying through some handseals, he extended his neck towards the Uchiha, fangs outstretched to deliver his Curse Mark so he could cut his losses and get the hell out of this damned forest.

That was his plan, but a glowing hand latching onto his neck ruined it.

Twisting his head around, Orochimaru saw that the Uzumaki brat had clasped his neck in a death grip. He was moving to attack the boy when it happened. Something began to flow from his body into the boy's hand.

At first, he thought that it was his chakra being taken and absorbed, but he soon realized that it was much worse than that. Orochimaru tried to fight it, but he found himself unable to move.

The last sensation he would ever feel was that of being sucked down a drain.

Naruto simply grinned as his opponent fell lifelessly to what was left of the forest floor. Holding up his hand, he examined the soul that rested in his palm. It was a small, green ball of light with a yellow edge.

Then he ate it.

He swished his tongue around, examining the taste like one would sample a fine wine. He swallowed, feeling a rush of energy coarse into his limbs.

"Tastes like sushi." he decided.

Sakura passed out in a puddle of snake guts.

Sasuke looked torn between joining her and trying desperately to figure out what his teammate had done now, before ultimately closing his eyes and joining Sakura in the comforting embrace of unconsciousness.

Anko Mitarashi, the proctor for the exam, had arrived seconds before the death of her former sensei, and had witnessed the whole thing.

She decided to reconsider her decision to never have children.

AN:

Real life Sucks. My hand Hurts.

Hope you Enjoyed.

-Z