Disclaimers: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Criminal Minds. All rights remain with original owners/creators.

Note: Ok, I'll admit it, this one-shot is a bit cracktackular in its premise, but I like Kevin origin stories. Hope you enjoy it. Set after Buffy s7 and, well, if you know when Kevin Lynch appears in Criminal Minds, then you already know the setting ;)

Willow didn't really want to point fingers, but this was entirely Xander's fault. When she said as much, Xander just nodded along, because, seriously, by this this point in life, he'd heard those words from so many women he just naturally assumed it to be true. Then, he paused, thought it out, and had to nod again. Yes, yes this was his fault.

"I don't know, it's kinda cool, right?" a voice interrupted. "I mean, no diapers-who could ask for more?"

Willow didn't think it was cool. Neither did Xander, really, even though he smiled back. There was nothing cool about having a son who was older than you.

"Mom, you're upset." Kevin sighed, pushing the bridge of his glasses up with his thumb. He blinked down at her, pouting slightly. "You still love me, though, right?"

Xander clapped him across the back in a half-hug. "Don't worry, kiddo. Your mom and I will always love you."

Buffy peeked out of the kitchen, glancing the man standing aimlessly in the apartment's small living room. He was humming a little tune to himself, oblivious to the audience. She dodged back in, staring at her two best friends, both of whom were seated at the breakfast table, pretending to only be interested in their coffee mugs.

"Wow." Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. "I go into a different plane of existence for one year, and look what happens. Anyone care to explain?"

Willow looked sheepish. "Well, I guess it was my idea."

Xander muttered something into his drink, but she ignored him.

"See-" Willow swallowed, forcing a small, nervous grin. "Remember how, after I awoke all the potentials, it seemed like I was leaking magic?" She rolled her eyes, as if explaining how she'd broken a plate in the sink. "When you disappeared, I kinda maybe sorta tugged at the magical thread trying to get you back and the leak got bigger. Way bigger. And, well, Xander and I had this idea about storing all that extra mojo…"

"I promise, Buffy, it's the last time we take our inspiration from monks," Xander noted.

Buffy's eyes widened slightly as she let that part sink in. "Wait… so, you just created a person? Like the monks made Dawnie? Oh, my hell-god, what were you thinking?"

Willow's brow furrowed, her defense ready. "I was thinking that was a way better option than having it explode magical chaos all over the universe, or having the wrong baddie collect it for the next Apocalypse. Buffy, we had to make a choice!"

Xander stood up, holding up a hand to stop the coming argument. "Ok, it was a strange choice to make, gotcha," he said, "but it wasn't a bad one." He looked back over his shoulder, as if his single eye could somehow see through the wall. He smiled faintly. "I wouldn't take it back, not for the world, Buffy."

Willow's expression lightened and she took a breath, stepping closer to Buffy. "And, no, we didn't just create him out of nothing. We made him out of us." She nodded once at Xander. "Xander and I did the spell, so pieces of us, our essence, went into him. He's our child, our son."

Buffy raised a brow. "And, I repeat, wow. I can definitely see Xander's genes in him."

Xander smirked. "Handsome devil, isn't he? But he got his mom's smarts."

"Wait…" Buffy cocked her head. "Ok, I get why you made him…but why did you make him, you know, not child-shaped? And what's with the lack of fake memories of him. Isn't that part of the magically-created package?"

Xander opened his mouth, but Willow cut him off with a snort. "Oh, that part was entirely Xander's fault."

So, the birth of a human from the cosmos was a spectacle all to itself. Xander felt the light of creation washing over him from the center of the room, where Willow stood, her hair floating out, a striking, vivid white to her entire form. She seemed to be floating in the power. He knew he must look something like that, all glowly and Gandalf-ish. But he honestly couldn't be wigged out by it, because he was…warm. Comfortable. Happy.

The wide smile stayed on his face. He barely, just barely, remembered what Willow had told him about maintaining the spell, insuring everything went as it should. Xander kept the mantra going in his head, feeling the light begin to mold into a shape.

Then came the voice. Xander wasn't sure if it was coming from a person or just in his head. It was asking so many questions, too many. Like a child. And Xander was having a hard time with the monk-style concentration without the extra interference. Finally, he stopped what he was doing, and asked the child what it wanted.

It seemed to like hearing him and asked for a number of things, but the last request, it was what really stuck with Xander.

"I want to be like you, Daddy."

The words pulled at his emotions just right…Xander couldn't help himself.

"Sure, kiddo, be like whoever you want to be."

He must have said the last part aloud instead of to the voice in his head, because the next thing he remembered was the light reaching its summit and Willow screeching out at him.

"Xander Harris, I'm going to kill you!"

Kevin sat down at the dinner table, a wide smile across his face. This was nice. It was new. Just like everything was new, even the stuff that wasn't, because it felt new, even if his brain said otherwise. Because this was definitely new, eating with his parents and his Aunt Buffy. Sure, maybe she wasn't really his aunt, but that wasn't the point. The point was he was with his family, and it was so different and so new. Had he mentioned the part where it was new? Kevin laughed at himself. He was rambling. Just like his mother. He loved that about her.

"Eat your peas, young man," Xander said.

The other two women shot him a look.

Xander shrugged, muttering out an apologetic, "I've always wanted to say that…"

Buffy seemed to shake it off first. She looked down the table at Kevin, opened her mouth to speak, then decided to turn the question back to Willow instead. "So, how exactly are you explaining his existence to the rest of the world? 'Cause, I imagine hiding him isn't an option."

"We've made a few connections with, umm, higher-ups since you've been gone. I might have bullied some people into planting the right forms."

Buffy seemed lost.

"Mom got me a fake name," Kevin said, smiling brightly. "I'm Kevin Lynch." He suddenly straightened, his excitement at overload. "And guess what, Aunt Buffy. I'm going to be working with the FBI! How cool is that?"

Willow's sheepish grin returned. "Ok, so maybe I used magic to pull a few strings as well, but, my intention was get him a fake degree, not get him hired by a government agency before his fourth week on Earth."

Buffy's eyes widened. "He got a job?" She pouted. "How come I can't get a job that easily?"

Kevin reached out, holding Buffy's hand in an attempt at empathy. "Want me to share Mom's smarts with you, Aunt Buffy? I'm sure there's a spell for that."

Their little boy was all grown up. In all fairness, he always had been, but it wasn't until Kevin didn't come home after his date that his parents came to realize he wasn't a child.

"I don't know about this Penelope woman," Willow said, slouching back into the couch, arms crossed over her breasts. "And what kind of name is Penelope, anyhow. Sounds very shifty, if you ask me."

"Says Willow," Xander said, flipping through the channels.

His friend didn't seem to hear him. She shook her head at whatever thought had entered her mind. "And he says she's a better technical analysis than him, too. That's just…that's just nutty. That's what it is! She has to be using magic at work. She just has to…No one is faster than our Kevin. Maybe she's a tech-demon of some sort. I mean, he is your child, so an attraction to demons is inevitable."

Xander shot her a sideways glance. "Sure, Will. That must be it."

When the door opened, both of them jumped to their feet, quiet as Church mice as they waited for their son to step through the threshold.

Kevin was wearing his father's goofy smile, his usually combed hair sticking out from all sides. He attempted to tuck his button-up shirt into his pants, kicking the door closed behind him. "Hey, Mom, Dad," he chirped, "you'll never guess what I just did."

His parents were a little jealous. But that was it, the first moment they realized that Kevin Lynch, their son, was an adult in every sense of the word.

Penelope sighed with satisfaction, laying her head against Kevin's bare chest. Kevin was proud of himself, one arm folded behind the pillow, the other wrapped around his girlfriend.

"That was…"

"Best I ever had," Kevin finished.

Penelope chuckled. "You always say that."

"It's always true," Kevin explained. He stared at her ceiling a moment longer, enjoying the way his body started to uncoil and relax. "Hey, I just thought of something." Penelope propped herself up onto one elbow, curious. Kevin chewed his words a moment before continuing, "You've never met my family. We've been going out a while now, and I've never taken you home."

Penelope blinked. "You really want me to meet your family?"

Kevin nodded, sitting up a little to give her a peck on the lips. "I think it's time."

Her gaze narrowed playfully. "Any deep dark family secrets I should know about first?"

Kevin laughed. "Probably. But I'll let Mom tell you about those."

And he laid back, content to drift to sleep, even as his girlfriend stared down at him, confused.