Hi! Guess what? I'm writing another parody! Yay! I never intended to write parodies of all three Star Wars prequels, but since I had plenty of time on my hands last year, I decided to tackle The Phantom Menace (In true George Lucas style, I wrote them in reverse order!). Unfortunately, I may not have time to continue writing it this year, since I'll be at university, but I thought I'd publish what I've written anyway. I've got eight chapters so far.

Keep in mind that my parodies don't follow on from each other, so Obi-Wan's character in this story is really different to his character in my two other stories.

Anyway, I hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, plotlines or settings of Star Wars, nor do I own Keeping Up With The Kardashians (yeah, I actually mentioned that in this chapter), Facebook, or Lady Gaga's music. My disclaimers are always really weird.

Here it is!

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

There is great unrest throughout the Galactic Republic. Taxation of trade routes is in dispute, planetary systems are threatening to declare war on one another, and Galactic citizens are being swamped by bad reality television programs. Far from attempting to solve these grave problems, the members of the Senate are too busy discussing the latest developments in the aforementioned reality TV shows.

Meanwhile, a disagreement between the Trade Federation and the small, peaceful planet of Naboo is rapidly spiralling out of control. The corrupt leaders of the Trade Federation have set up a blockade of battleships around Naboo, and refused to allow anyone off the planet until Queen Amidala of the Naboo apologises for insulting Viceroy Nute Gunray's mother. As the members of the Senate are too busy debating which is the best Kardashian sister, the Jedi Council have decided to send a Jedi team to resolve the conflict. Due to the fact that their most accomplished Jedi Knights are all otherwise occupied, they have been forced to send the spectacularly useless Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his slightly more competent apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi. It was a far safer option than allowing them to stay at the Jedi Temple, where Qui-Gon had already accidentally burned down his living quarters while attempting to cook breakfast.

Chapter 1: Aggressive Communications

A few parsecs away from the planet Naboo, a small red transport glided through space. Inside the cockpit, two pilots and two tall men wearing drab brown robes were watching the inexplicable yellow words sail away from them.

"Why is there a synopsis floating through space?" asked one of the bewildered pilots.

"Oh, it's just the Force messing with our minds," the shorter man explained. He was young, perhaps in his twenties, and rather handsome, with shortly cropped brown hair and clear blue eyes. A long, thin braid hung from the side of his head, indicating that he was still a Jedi apprentice.

The taller man spoke up indignantly. "How dare the Force call me 'spectacularly useless'? I spend my whole life slaving away, working towards galactic peace, and then- ow!"

Qui-Gon gingerly rubbed the spot on his head where the thunderbolt had just struck him. He was much older than his apprentice; his long, brown hair and beard were beginning to go grey. According to the old adage, wisdom comes with age, but in Qui-Gon's case, wisdom had not yet arrived and it was very unlikely that it ever would.

"That'll teach you to question the powers that be," said the first man, smirking.

"I'm not useless, am I, Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon whined.

"Of course not, Master," Obi-Wan lied obediently.

"And about that fire I started," Qui-Gon continued. "It wasn't my fault the toaster exploded! Also, what are we supposed to be doing here again?"

His apprentice sighed. "We're supposed to be settling the conflict between the Trade Federation and the people of Naboo. Didn't you see what those floating words said?"

"What words?"

Instead of wasting any more time talking to his Master, Obi-Wan began to reflect smugly on the Force's description of him as "slightly more competent". This was probably the highest praise he had ever received from anyone.

In the centre of the beautiful city of Theed - the capital of Naboo - stood the Royal Palace. It was an ostentatious building; a sprawling mass of marble and sandstone. Inside the Palace, the young Queen Padmé Amidala of Naboo was relaxing in her living quarters. She was a petite, slender fourteen-year-old with chocolate brown eyes and hair. All in all, she was a very pretty girl. Unfortunately, this was just about her only attribute; she was literally just a pretty face.

A few months ago, she had been elected Queen of the Naboo by a landslide majority. After the previous monarch had passed away in a tragic lawn bowling accident, the royal advisors had been desperate to elect a new ruler. The sudden descent of the bowling ball from the roof of the clubhouse was attributed to a strong gust of wind, and the investigation was dropped.

Only an hour after the accident, young Padmé Amidala, the daughter of a nobleman, had turned up at the Royal Palace and asked to be considered as a candidate for the new monarch. Dismissing the slightly suspicious fact that she was wearing a lawn bowling uniform at the time, the advisors had accepted her proposal, and called elections.

Today, the young Queen was lying on her bed, wearing a hydrating face mask made out of something green and slimy and talking to one of her friends on the phone. Apparently there was a problem with some Federation, but Padmé was too busy with important teenager business to care.

There was a knock at the door to Padmé's quarters, and the voice of Panaka, the captain of the Palace Guard, came from outside the room.

"Your Highness, may I come in? There's something very important I need to discuss with you."

Padmé sat up abruptly and quickly terminated the conversation with her friend. She had a crush on the young, burly Captain of the Guard. Perhaps he was finally going to confess his secret feelings for her!

"Come in, Panaka!" Padmé called, arranging herself into a seductive pose on the bed.

Captain Panaka opened the door and stepped into the room. He was a large, dark-skinned man, dressed in the maroon leather tunic, pants and cap of the Royal Guard. When he saw Padmé, his eyes widened in shock and he stepped back quickly. The young Queen smiled flirtatiously, assuming that he had simply been caught off guard by her beauty. She had completely forgotten that her face was still covered in green gunk.

Recovering from his shock, Panaka came to stand beside the Queen's bed. "Your Highness, the Trade Federation have set up a blockade around Naboo."

Padmé pouted, a little disappointed that Panaka was not declaring deep, passionate love for her.

"Wouldn't you like to sit down and talk?" she simpered, patting the bed beside her.

"Your Highness, this is a serious matter!" Panaka cried, pacing agitatedly up and down the room. "We must inform Senator Palpatine of this, so that he can file an official complaint in the Senate."

"I love it when you talk politics!" Padmé giggled. "Anyway, I need to call my friend back. We can talk later, Panaka."

The Captain shook his head and walked away while Padmé began to whisper excitedly into the phone. As she was describing a particular gleam in Panaka's eyes which she liked to believe was desire (it was actually annoyance), the line suddenly went dead, and her ear was filled with a buzzing noise. Frowning, Padmé tapped the phone's screen; when this yielded no result, she bashed it against her bedside table. This did not fix the phone, although it did leave a large dent in the furniture.

"Panaka!" yelled Padmé. "Can you come back in here for a minute?"

The Captain of the Guard entered the room a few moments later, looking wearied. "What is it, Your Highness?"

"My phone isn't working."

"Have you tried hitting it?" Panaka suggested. Like his Queen, he knew little about technology.

Padmé replied that she had.

Panaka pressed his lips together grimly. "They've jammed our communications."

"Those bastards!" Padmé snarled. "I'll teach them a lesson they'll never forget!"

She seized the battered phone and began to compile an angry text message.

"There," Padmé snapped, face flushed with anger. She thrust the phone at Panaka, who looked apprehensively at the screen. The text message read: "U guys suck. Go back 2 ur own planet, u todes."

Panaka sighed and handed the phone back to his Queen. "Your Highness, all communications have been jammed. That includes texting."

"Oh," said Padmé, looking disappointed. "Well, I'll have to find some other way to insult them, then."

As Padmé struggled to think of some way of communicating with someone without using a mobile phone or Facebook, the massive TV screen on the wall in front of the bed flickered, and the leaders of the Trade Federation appeared. Nute Gunray and his associate Rune Haako were dressed in rich robes and elaborate headdresses, but their fine attire could not disguise the fact that Padmé's description of them as toads was very accurate.

"Greetings, Queen Amidala," said Nute Gunray, sneering.

Padmé spun around to face the screen; Nute and Rune started in surprise.

"Oh... I am sorry, I did not realise you were- er, one of us," Nute stammered.

"What?" Padmé snapped. "I am not one of you!"

"But your skin... your beautiful, green skin," Nute murmured, licking his lips slightly.

Padmé grabbed her phone and looked at her reflection in its shiny metal casing. "Oh! You idiots, that's my face mask!"

"Ah." Nute's face turned a nasty purple colour as he blushed. Lucky I didn't go ahead and ask her to perform the mating ritual with me.

"Anyway," he said, regaining his composure, "You may have noticed that we just shut down all of your communication systems. We have temporarily restored them in order to contact you."

"Oh, good!" Padmé flipped her phone open, selected the text message she had compiled only moments before, and pressed "send".

The sound of Lady Gaga's new single blared from the screen's speakers as Nute's phone began to signal that he had received a message. He pulled it out of his pocket and glanced at the screen.

"Hey!" Nute closed his phone with an angry snap and glared at Padmé. "You insulted my mother, and now you are insulting me! The people of your planet will suffer thanks to your abusive text messages. Also, you spelt toad wrong."

Padmé rolled her eyes. "God, you sound like my English teacher!"

"Take back what you said, or you'll be sorry!" Nute warned.

"No, I won't take it back!" Padmé snapped, ignoring the way Panaka was frenetically drawing his finger across his throat.

"Well, then we'll have to invade Naboo, I'm afraid."

"Fine, you do that."

"I will."

"Okay," said Padmé indifferently. "But I should warn you that we have a planetary defence system."

Nute hesitated for a moment, staring warily at his opponent. "You're bluffing."

"Go ahead and invade Naboo," Padmé snapped. "You guys are going to get owned!"

Grinning smugly, she reached forward and pressed a button, terminating the communication. There was a slight moan from behind her; Panaka slumped down onto the bed, looking horrified.

"What's wrong?" asked Padmé. "I thought I handled that very well."

"Your Highness, we don't have a planetary defence system."

"Oh." The young Queen was silent for a moment as she considered their situation. "Well, I'm sure you and your guards can take care of things."

"Um... I don't think that's possible," said Panaka awkwardly. "You see, we're not actually trained guards."

Padmé glared suspiciously at him. "Then what are you?"

"We're male strippers."

"Great." Padmé exhaled loudly. "Well, maybe you could scare the Trade Federation armies away."

Panaka shrugged. "Sure. We could give it a go. I'll go tell the boys to get their costumes ready."

Padmé flopped back onto her bed with an exhausted sigh. Being Queen was turning out to be a lot more difficult than she'd expected... but on the bright side, she now had a legitimate reason to ask Panaka to wear a fireman costume.

So, what did you think? Please review and tell me if you like it so far! Oh, and if you haven't read my other Star Wars parodies, feel free to check them out as well; my parody of ROTS is completely finished, and AOTC has one chapter left to go. Thanks for reading! Next chapter will be up soon.