25 Ways To Aggravate, Infuriate, Annoy, And Otherwise Incur The Wrath of: Durza The Shade

(Firmly based on book Durza because the film was an abomination despite the admirable attempts of Carlyle and Irons to bring some much-needed credibility to the otherwise pitiful proceedings.)

Nothing serious here, just a bit of fun with a much-used concept to get me back into the swing of writing. Also, Durza is several kinds of awesome and these things are never not funny.

1. Inspect his hair. Inform him that his roots need doing.

2. Tell him he looks pale on a regular basis. Ask him if he feels okay. If you're feeling particularly brave, offer him a hug.

3. Suggest that he needs a holiday. Perhaps a tan.

4. Express concern for his 'bloodshot' eyes. Tell him you've made him an appointment with the optician because you think his contacts are rubbing.

5. Knock on his head and ask if you can "Speak to Carsaib."

6. Inform him that of the two YouTube fan videos of him, one is to the tune of a Taylor Swift song and the other to Alanis Morisette. Be sure to consider out loud to yourself your feelings on this showing the "true side of Durza, the tender side that the books never really mention..."

7. Remind him constantly that Eragon, who has all the cunning of a broken stapler, managed to outwit him in Gil'ead.

8. Gift him with a copy of the Geneva Convention, with instructions for him to "peruse it at his leisure." Probably best to laminate it, mind, in case of blood.

9. Imply that his allegiance to Galbatorix is more than platonic.

10. Outright, innocently enquire as to whether 'Galby' likes him to be the big spoon or the little spoon.

11. Everytime he says "Garjzla!" immediately respond with "Bless you!" Offer him a tissue if he continues to use it.

12. Mispronounce his name constantly: "Doorza", "Durzy", "Durzle" and "Douglas" are just some of many options. Only your creativity limits you.

13. Continue with the name-bashing. This time relate it to his inability to capture/kill Eragon. "Durza? More like loo-za!"

14. Tell him it's irresponsible for him to be riding a horse or performing difficult magic when he's constantly under the influence of spirits.

15. Attempt to make him eat your newly-bought houseplant. Show him the label where it clearly says keep in the shade.

16. Ask him if his sword has a name. Suggest "Moonbeam", "Twinkly" or "Princess Lucinda".

17. Train his horse to respond only to the name "Sparkles". Feign total ignorance when he confronts you over this.

18. Check if he's tickly. At least every four minutes.

19. Taunt him about his weakness for Arya: "Funny, really, how you find Arya so... distracting..."

20. Enquire as to whether the offspring of a Shade and an Elf would be called a Shelf.

21. When he's sleeping, braid his hair Pippi Longstocking-style.

22. Insist he takes you to meet Galbatorix. When the king asks you what you think of the current situation in Alagaësia, launch into "I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles and we'd all eat and be happy..." Durza may interrupt you claiming that you "don't even go here!" but when Galbatorix asks you if you do, remember to tell him that you have a lot of feelings.

23. Continuing with the theme, tell Galbatorix you think Durza's hair is so big because "it's full of secrets!"

24. In hushed tones, inform Durza that you've found his true name. Beckon him closer so you can whisper in his ear. Gently say "It's..." then raise your voice and yell "DOCTOR CUDDLES!"

25. Finally, regale him with some of your finest Alagaësia jokes. For example - "Why did the dragon cross the Spine? To get to the other side." Also, "Where does Galbatorix keep his armies? In his sleevies." Or, if you're really into it, why not get his failure to capture Eragon and Saphira into the joke i.e. "What's blue, scaly and not there? No Saphira!"

IMPORTANT:

Please note before undertaking any of these that they are purely suggestion and speculation. The author cannot and will not be held responsible for any retribution on Durza's part that results in bodily or emotional harm to the perpetrator. If you do so choose to implement any of the above suggestions please mind to do so without any regard for your personal safety and/or wellbeing; Durza's actions will not be the author's to defend. Thank you.

Disclaimer: Characters and settings are Christopher Paolini's; Mean Girls was written by Tina Fey.

Feel free to review and let me know what your favourite idea was, or even the one you think Durza would most likely fire a "Garjzla!" at you for!

UPDATE 30/1/2012 - Apologies if anybody got a chapter alert and raised their hopes for a second chapter- Clearly after two years I still struggle to competently work this site. As far as I know, I won't be doing more chapters for this... unless you lot have a desperate want for them? I may do a few with other characters trying to implement these... But that's just an idea, let me know what you think!