How Not To Write Fanfiction Chapter 1, a primeval fanfic

How not to write fan fiction.

This is just a silly something that I once- ages ago- pondered writing.

Then I was talking to Jet Becker who - I think she complimented me! Haha! Okay, not the point. She said something about those sort of fanfiction stories where "OMG EDWARD CULLEN AND BECKER CAME TO MY HOUSE AND IT WAS LIKE TOTALLY AWESOME YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"

So the idea was reborn.

Here is me trying, and failing, to write a story.

Enjoy... if you can bear it!

Lovingthis sighed happily. Sure, she had exams to do, but she couldn't be bothered to revise! It was killing her slowly and she wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball. So, she decided to make herself feel better with a bit of light (okay, heavy) procrastination. She reached over to her laptop (she *hadn't* been on Facebook… honest,) and opened up another tab on the internet, making her way to her fanfiction. After replying to a number of messages she opened up a work document, flexed her fingers, and started to type.

Becker got up. He sighed at another day of being thrown about by authors trying to make him do what they wanted. He could normally rely on Lovingthis to not go too out of character when she worked with him. But these girls, ya know? Every so often he would be there, in the world of her imagination, and then…

BAM!

He was naked!

Stupid fan girls.

You can't quite trust 'em.

He wondered what was in store for him that day- mentally hoping that his dignity would remain intact!

He faintly heard that annoying tapping sound which accompanied him whenever he was being written about and prepared.

Looking around as the surroundings changed he found himself in the ARC training room, detailed to Lovingthis's imagination. He stood there for a few moments, waiting for his instructions to be keyed out.

-/-

becker was looking really hot in his arc uniform and punching bags and getting sweaty and being watched by Jess using the add at the hub when he herd-

"NO!"

Becker stopped what he was doing to yell past the fourth wall at his author.

What?

"I'm not doing it!"

Umm… yeah you are! I just wrote that you are. Have you accidentally shot yourself again when I wasn't looking? *sigh* I don't think you understand how this thing goes. It's like this: I write something. You do it!

"You've also written that I'm a Grammar Nazi. Remember?"

Yeah, of course I do… You know I did write it!

"So you should know that I am not going to allow you to write like that!"

*sigh* What's wrong, Becker?

"Many things! Not least you having an argument with a figment of your own imagination!"

Just pretend it's Sophie's World.

"What?"

You're a figment of my imagination, you already know what Sophie's World is!

"Don't interrupt me."

Oh, sorry Becker. *smiles* You going to punish me? *wink*

"Stop it!"

You know I love it when you use that growly voice!

"Lovingthis!"

I'm sorry, honey. You were complaining..?

"Well, I'm a person. I deserve a capital letter in my name!"

What? Oh yeah. Basic year three, most seven year olds have been taught it grammar. Sorry Becky Boy. It won't happen again.

"Better not." Becker mumbled under his breath.

What was that?

"Nothing."

Good. Was there anything else?

"How about breaking up that sentence and not using 'and' a thousand times."

I think you're exaggerating a little, sweetie… What? ... Don't look at me like that! Well actually… *winks* What? Okay! Okay! Okay! How does this sound..?

-/-

Becker was looking really hot in his arc uniform. He was punching bags and getting sweaty. Jess was watching him at the add in the Hub.
The soldier stopped what he was doing and looked at his author.

I don't recall wanting you to do that, Becker.

"Do you know anything? I mean 'arc' and 'add'. What are you trying to say here? That I'm looking hot in my 'curved' uniform. And that Jess is watching me at the 'plus' in the hub?"

But it's called the add! And arc!

"They're acronyms. They're taken from the first letter of each word that makes them. They're meant to be all capitalised."

Oh… Right so… ADD for Anomaly Detection Device and ARC for Anomaly Research Centre?

"You've got it."

Do I get a reward? *wink*

"Yeah."

*Fan girl squeal*

"You can write more of the story."

Oh… Sadface!

-/-

Becker was looking really hot in his ARC uniform. He was punching bags and getting sweaty. Jess was watching him at the ADD in the Hub. Becker herd -

"STOP!"

What this time?

"Don't roll your eyes! Take out the fact you think I'm hot- yes, I know you think I am but let your readers have their own opinion. Add a little description and change the way you say that I'm getting sweaty."

You like being sweaty? I can arrange that..

"I'm trying to help you here. You're normally better than this!"

Okay okay! Chillax!

"And before you post this please get someone to beta read. You're written "herd" not "heard" I didn't have a large group of animals."

*snort of laughter* Animal transport, right?

-/-

Becker was attacking the punch bags like there was no tomorrow. Which, incidentally there wasn't. The ARC and the punch bag were really figments of his own imagination as he tried to distract himself from the torture he was going through. He had been abducted, forced to work for a terrorist group and now found himself in MI5's secret headq-

"NO, I BLOODY WELL AM NOT!"

What?

Becker stood up from the table where he had been tortured and started to complain loudly. "I have not been taken to MI5! If you dare say that I'm going to blow this place up I will pack my bags and leave your imagination for good."

WHAT? NO! DON'T DO THAT! What will I do with all the chocolate…?

"EAT IT!"

*GASP!* Why are you being like this? Lovingthis began to cry.

"Because that's what YouHaveLovelyHair's Becker did!"

The tears stopped immediately. Wha- How do you know that?

"I'm a figment of your imagination! I know everything that you do!"

Ah yes… awkward!"

"Shouldn't you be revising? Wait? It's HALF ONE? YOU SHOULD BE ASLEEP!"

You know there's something wrong then they guy in your head is telling you off… Lovingthis shook hear head. Then returned to the topic at hand. Yeah so what? I want to blow you up!

"I'm not letting you! What happens if I run into YouHaveLovelyHair's Becker? How am I going to explain to him that my author is plagiarizing his author's story?"

Oh… Umm… So no blowing you up?

"Not unless it's original."

So…. I could… Lovingthis placed her chin on a hand and pondered for a few moments. Put a bomb on the grave where your ex fiance's body lies. So that when you go to visit her on the anniversary of her tragic death- the day that should have been the anniversary of your wedding -*sheds a tear*- you get trapped. A passer by finds you waiting for the count down to stop, wondering if there's any way you can save yourself and…

"Yes! YES! No-one's done that yet!"

AWESOMEEEE! SHOT GUN!

"Who's going to steal the idea? Me?" Becker rolled his eyes at Lovingthis's stupidity.

Oh yeah! Woops! Okay then. So no YouHaveLovelyHair's story.

-/-

Becker was attacking the punch bags like there was no tomorrow. Jess watched on from the ADD as sweat dripped down his face. He had been at it for a good quarter of an hour and she was starting to get worried about him. After the day's events, he wasn't in the best of moods and seemed to be taking it out on the poor swinging bag of stuffing. He heard a cough from behind him and turned to find Rebecca, a new and attractive recruit watching him.

Okay so far?

Becker nodded.

-/-

Becker heard the ferocious tapping of the backspace button as she tried to stop him from randomly nodding his head in the middle of the training room. He stopped himself from smiling at the familiar sound and schooled his expression. It was times like these when he knew she was glad of his impassive mask. - which, from her memories, so many people enjoyed mentioning. Perhaps it was one of his defining characteristics.

There was a pause in his thoughts as he realised that Lovingthis was writing what he was thinking. He knew that she was because she'd put a full stop followed by a hyphen. He mentally rolled his eyes. And then raised an eyebrow.

The eyebrow raise was more because he enjoyed it as much as his schooled expression. It was something he did. Wasn't it nice when people actually used his characteristics? He didn't feel like he was acting. It was just being him. He hated it with a passion when someone decided that- Oh, he just loved long luxurious bubble baths whenever he got home from work at four pm. Like, REALLY? Had they never seen him before? He went home at half eight, put a microwave meal on and watched tv! If they only thought a little they would see that it was nothing like him.

Urgh! He just hated it when they didn't even try! If they wanted a doll to throw around as they pleased why didn't they just play Sims? It requires less imagination or effort.

-/-

She had obviously made the noise to get his attention and was making no effort to hide the fact. Turning to fully face her, he suppressed a sigh at the intrusion.

"Yes?" He asked shortly.

"Do you want to come and have a drink with me?"

"Of course. Let me grab my stuff and we'll go."

Becker turned and made his way to the changing rooms. He packed his bag, the removed a section of the false back of his locker. Behind was an Escape Rope.

-/-

WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? You're meant to be going and meeting Rebecca to have a drink! AND WHERE DID YOU GET AN ESCAPE ROPE FROM?

"Pokemon game. It's in your imagination too."

WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME?

"I'm angry about something! Why do I suddenly forget that because Rebecca asked me out? If it's that easy to forget, why was Jess worried about me? And I've been sweating. I'm not going to excuse myself for a shower first?"

Oh. Umm…

Becker rolled his eyes.

WHAT? Lovingthis threw out her arms in exasperation.

"RE WRITE IT!"

Okay, but if I do you have to…

Becker found himself in a different place. Looking around at the familiar surroundings he smiled coyly and raised a suggestive eyebrow. "Okay okay! Just finish the story first."

Aah you're so malleable.

"No, I'm not and you know it. You're just playing with my characteristics."

Stop ruining my fun!

"STOP RUINING ME, LOVINGTHIS!"

Okay! No sudden changes in moods! - Well, except for that one…

"Lovingthis…" An EMD materialised in Becker's hand.

You-love-it-really. Okay… Lovingthis flashed a big grin then got to work.

There will be more!

Haha! Let me know what you think! :)

Thank you my wonderful readers.

Also, if there's anything I haven't put up yet which annoys you then let me know and I will try to add it in! :) Thank you :D