I AM SO SORRY. It has literally been spaceages since I last updated so a massive massive bear hug to anyone who still cares. I really hope you enjoy this monster chapter. Thanks to my Beta also for giving me a kick up the arse and making me finally update!

Sirius wolfed down the breakfast Molly had made for him. She'd insisted on staying to make it, telling him that she didn't have the energy to go back home. Sirius knew she was lying. She was looking out for him because she knew how rattled he had been about the lack of news from Remus and Dora. Even though Snape had assured them they were both safe, she still stayed.

He and Molly didn't always see eye to eye, but he appreciated her gesture. Sirius would never say so, but Molly had become very dear to him, even if she did occasionally make him want to punch a wall.

His insides were not only groaning with hunger, but elated with relief and burning with anger. If Remus and Tonks were fine, why had they not come to see him? It was unbearable enough to not be able to leave the house when he wanted, but when the ones he loved were in danger it was nothing short of torture.

The walls suffocated him. The rooms got smaller every day until the unwelcome air was so thick with dust and memories that he could hardly breathe. He longed for the outside, for the innocence and freedom of cold fresh air. But the stuffy, musty house forced his childhood upon him, shoving images of his mother, father and brother into his face. The paintings, the wallpaper, the furniture were all ugly and sore to look at. They forced him to reminisce, to remember the smell, that feel of the floor under his feet, the spiteful muttering of Kreacher.

Sirius hated number twelve. And last night those feelings of rejection and fear and anger and hurt had been made a thousand times worse by Remus and Dora's completely selfish lack of news. Every second Sirius thought about it he became angrier until, in his mind, it was all Remus' fault. Never before had he been angrier at his old friend. There was a tiny part of him that knew this was an overreaction, but it was squashed mercilessly by the part of him that wanted to burst into tears, as if he was suddenly sixteen again.

He couldn't lose Remus. Not after James. Not after Peter.

He heard the door open.

'Is Sirius here?' A tired voice asked Molly, who had gone into the hall to see who it was. Sirius recognised the voice at once and anger flooded, white hot, through his veins.

"Is Sirius here?" What a fucking stupid question. Where else would Sirius be?

Sirius stood up quickly and strode across the room into the hall, past Molly, and breaking out into a run he reached Lupin, grabbed the front of his robes and slammed him as hard as he could into the wall. Molly gasped.

'Sirius, really!'

Dust flew into the air and the house shook. Remus looked at him with wide, terrified eyes.

They stared at each other for a moment.

'You absolute git.'

'Sirius- I didn't thin-'

'No. You didn't think.' He spat the words, annunciating every syllable. After a few seconds he stopped gritting his teeth. 'God damn it'

He then pulled Remus forwards into a very tight hug and felt him hug back.

'I'm really sorry, Sirius,' he said over Sirius' shoulder. They broke apart. Sirius just gave him a look. He was almost too relieved to see his friend again to be angry. Almost.

'You better have a bloody good excuse. Come on then, come in. Molly's cooking…'

Remus followed his best friend back into the kitchen, alibi after alibi rushing though his mind.

Tonks pulled her cloak around her as she hurried across the atrium of the Ministry of Magic. For a building that had once excited her, inspired her, and made her feel proud to be an Auror, it had descended very quickly into a cold place of denial and corruption. She pushed the button in the lift to get to the office. She could hardly bring herself to look up from her feet while walking through the hallways anymore. The ministry always gave her a sick feeling in her stomach. It reminded her of Beth.

She didn't actually need to work that day but she had to drop by to pick up a file on some possible murderer posing as a Muggle librarian or something. To her surprise, when she pushed open the heavy door to the office it wasn't empty. Zain was sat on his desk chair, his face in his hands. Tonks froze. No, he couldn't be.

She was half shocked, half amused.

'Zain, are you…crying?'

Zain started and looked up. He obviously hadn't heard her come in.

Tonks stood frozen to the spot for a moment; she didn't really know how to respond to this. Then, without really thinking and putting aside any negative feelings towards Zain, she grabbed her chair, dragged it across the floor, and sat down.

'Go on then,' she looked at him.

He looked at her in disgust, as if he was about to tell her to mind her own fucking business. He opened his mouth, shut it and then opened it again.

'Why don't you mind your ow-'

'How about you just tell me,' she cut across him, her voice not quite stern.

His expression softened ever so slightly and he sighed, a look of resignation on his tired face.

'You might as well know.' He looked at the floor and then at her. She waited. 'I did something stupid.' She still said nothing. 'Okay,' he said, as if wondering how to phrase it. He sighed again, already bored by her reaction to what he was about to say. 'I'm in love w- I love Beth.'

'What?'

'Yes. We've been seeing each other for months'

'That is…'

'And when I was talking to Bellatrix-' his pace increased and he looked at the floor again.

'…a surprise.'

'At the Death Eater meeting, Bellatrix Lestrange, she said something about… questioning Beth. You know, because she's such good friends with you.' He sounded a little scared now.

'What?' She repeated. There was a cold, steely note of panic to Tonk's voice now. 'What- Zain… what-'

'Relax, it was just mentioned in passing.' He was still staring at the floor. He was talking incredibly fast, as if he just wanted his story out there to be done with it. 'But it scared me more than anything because we both know that nobody gets "questioned" by Voldemort. They get tortured. So I panicked. I came into work, pulled some strings with surveillance and had Beth tracked… so she'd be safe.'

'Why would that make her safe?' Tonks asked carefully. Zain seemed a little bit like an explosion ready to go off at any moment.

'If she went missing, they… the Ministry could find her. I could find her.'

Suddenly Tonks twigged something. Anger flooded her chest. 'So it's your fault she ran away? It's your fault she ran off! She thought the Ministry was going to arrest her!'

'Yes.' Zain lied through his teeth. He knew full well that wasn't why she had run away. What the fuck had he done?

Tonks let herself feel a pang of pity for Zain. Maybe she had got him all wrong. But there was something causing her doubt. She asked him a question that had been bugging her for ages. 'Zain, when you wanted me to tell you where the prophecy was…'

To her surprise he smiled weakly as he cut her off. 'I was wondering when that was going to come up. Dumbledore asked me to do it.' He explained. 'He wanted to make sure you wouldn't even give people in the Order intelligence without authorisation, before giving you that… password to Hogwarts.'

Tonks suddenly felt very stupid for running off to Dumbledore about that. 'I thought nobody else was supposed to know about that password.' She replied, trying not to sound too guilty. She knew all too well that due to her sloppiness Beth could have very possibly seen it. The Order files were left stupidly -Tonks thought- out on her kitchen counter when Beth turned up at Tonks' flat alone that night.

'Well Dumbledore told me.' Zain shrugged, trying to inject a bit of his usual arrogance into his tone. That was also a lie. Dumbledore hadn't been the only one to tell him. 'He trusts me,' he added.

It was Beth who had told him one evening. The two of them had been left alone in the office and it was late. They had sat under his desk just drinking and talking. She told him that she'd seen a password in Tonks' apartment. She didn't tell him what it was, but the damage had already been done. Augustus Rookwood had been listening to every intimate moment of that evening while standing in the doorway. The memory still made his stomach clench unpleasantly.

Tonks thought about the note Beth had left before she disappeared, and how Zain had read the note on the night he saved her life. It had said she was pregnant. Well… she had to ask, didn't she?

She still found the ordeal difficult to talk about, especially as her arm was still tightly bandaged. 'You know that time you saved my-' She paused, wonder how to phrase it.

'I was at yours because I had to see if she'd left you a note, told you where she'd gone. I thought she would've. You're her best friend.'

'Oh, okay.' It wasn't what Tonks wanted to ask. She had wanted to know if he was indeed the father of Beth's baby, but she decided to let it go. There was a little patch of silence before Tonks spoke again. 'I get the feeling you're not nearly as bad of a person as you wanted me to think, Zain.'

'You're probably right.' He answered.

'Then why did you pretend?' She asked quietly. She could almost feel the presence of Beth in the room with them.

He looked at her, with a rare flash of honesty in his eyes. 'I didn't set out to make friends at the Order.'

She looked at him compassionately. 'Too late.'

Picking up the file she had come for she slotted it in her bag and turned to face him.

'She'll be fine.'

'Yeah.'

And she left him like that, walking as naturally as she could out of the room.

Well that was weird.

Zain gave into temptation and resumed the position he had been adopting before Tonks had entered. She had been kind to him. But he wouldn't get attached. He couldn't get attached.

Before he knew it, the flashback started.

The cold air of London whipped his face and he was already looking forward to seeing Beth again. It was during this thought that a hand gripped his arm, causing him to draw his wand. Tall, grey, scarred and imposing, Rookwood glowed down at him. Zain lowered his wand, but not fully.

'What do you want?' He asked as aggressively as he dared.

A very unsettling smile twitched on his face. 'Hello, loverboy. I heard your conversation with the Auror girl. It was very interesting, very interesting indeed.'

Beth. No.

Zain tried his very hardest to act aloof. 'The only thing that is of interest, Rookwood, is the Order of the Phoenix information that I get from her. Why else do you think I was with her? The dirty half blood.'

Rookwood's expression did not change. 'That was good acting.'

'What are you implying?'

'Nothing at all,' he replied smoothly. His eyes were greedy.

He had heard. He had heard there was a password to Hogwarts and he wanted to be the one to deliver it to Voldemort, Zain thought furiously. He was going to be sick.

Rookwood walked away, turned and disappeared on the spot.

Seconds later Zain was hammering with both his fists on Beth's front door. She opened it, looking alarmed. Zain's hair was falling in his face, his shirt was sticking to him slightly and he looked, for the first time, scruffy. She grinned.

'What up with y-'

'You have to get out of here.' Fear, cold and fury burned in his eyes. 'Now.'

'What?' Her stomach turned a little, what was going on?

'That thing- The thing you know. They want it.'

'Who?'

'You kn- Voldemort.' Her mouth opened slightly and stayed so. 'Voldemort's people want it.' He knew that Rookwood would stop at nothing for that password. He would be rewarded more than ever before. And nobody wanted to be the one standing between Augustus Rookwood and what he wanted.

Beth had turned as white as a sheet. 'How… what- How do they know?'

'They overheard us talking.' He said quickly. 'You have to come with me, Beth. Now.'

Beth wasn't stupid; her mind was putting two and two together quickly. 'You're in it too, aren't you? The Order of the Phoenix. You and Tonks.'

'Yes.' He sighed impatiently. 'Just pack some stuff and I'll take you somewhere.'

'Why can't I just go t-'

'They can track you.' Zain cut in, impatiently. She needed to hurry. He was severely regretting his decision to have her tracked. It was stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

'How?'

'Ministry.'

'Why is the Mini-'

'Beth!' He groaned. There wasn't time.

Beth began to panic. She looked at him with wide eyes. 'But I said about Tonks, they'll know about Tonks. They might… I have to tell Tonks.'

'Tonks can't know.'

'Why?'

He loved her, but she was really starting to annoy him. She had to hurry. 'Tonks is protected by the Order.' A wave of guilt swept over him. 'She's fine.'

This was bullshit. But Zain knew that if Tonks found out that The Death eaters had heard Hogwarts had a password, she would be forced to tell Dumbledore that Beth knew. And Zain was the missing link between Beth and Voldemort. They'd think he was a traitor. Lupin, Black and Moody were itching to get rid of him anyway. He had to stay in the Order.

Beth looked at him carefully. She knew him. She knew he was lying about Tonks being fine.

'Beth, will you please pack a bag? We need to leave. Now.' He looked close to tears.

It was then, as he moved his arm, that she saw it. His shirt sleeve rode up slightly to reveal…

Fear gripped her insides. She had to remain calm. She had to act as if she hadn't seen it. She had to warn Tonks. The sight of the dark mark had made her heart stop. She couldn't believe it. She loved him.

'Give me twenty minutes.' She said as calmly as she could. 'Get out of my hair and come and get me in twenty minutes'

He nodded, rushed forwards, kissed her, and then disapparated.

Beth grabbed a quill and parchment, her hands shaking.

It was during that time that she wrote and left Tonks her note, carrying the hidden warning, packed a bag and left. She had to get as far away as she could from Zain.

It was when she was on a street, somewhere in the middle London, that she burst into tears. She had nowhere to go. Tonks wasn't home. She had no Order of the Phoenix to protect her. The man she loved was a fucking… traitor.

He didn't even know about the little person who was growing inside her.

She had no idea where to go.

It didn't take long for Zain to find her, and as he drew closer all he could think about was how lucky he was that he had got to her before anyone else and how the hell he was going to explain himself. It would soon be apparent that he should have spent more time thinking about the latter. It began to rain.

'Beth!' He turned her round. 'Beth, what are you doing? You have to come with me.'

'Get off me!' She shrieked, stumbling backwards. Several people on the street had turned to look; one man began to walk towards them. Fat raindrops pelted down, blurring everything but the look of fear on her face. Fear. Fear of him.

'We haven't got time for you to not trust me!' He practically shouted, grabbing her again.

'Hey!' Shouted the man, he was running now.

'I'm so sorry about this,' he whispered. The look she gave him broke his heart.

'Stupefy!' He stunned Beth

'Stupefy!' He stunned the man

He spun on the spot, Beth in tow, and arrived outside his old family house.

It had been trace protected for 160 years.

Zain looked up at the empty office around him. Part of him really wished Tonks had stayed.

~ ~ ~Remus Lupin was holding a piece of toast to his mouth even though he wasn't even remotely hungry anymore.

'I just still can't believe you didn't send an owl or anything, Remus. How was I supposed to know you were okay or even alive, for Merlin's sake?'

'I'm sorry, Sirius,' and he looked like he meant it too, 'it's like I said; It was just too risky to send anything until the morning…'

Sirius calmed down a little. He believed Lupin's story about not wanting to risk sending news and it seemed – Lupin warmed at the thought – that he was simply too happy that he was alive to stay angry for long.

They heard the front door open, followed by a loud bang and a cry of 'Stupid, bloody umbrella stand!'

Remus used all of his concentration to reverse the colour that his face had suddenly flushed to. Tonks entered the room and Sirius, who was nearest the door and still standing, immediately rounded on her.

'And you!' He cried, pointing an accusing finger at her, 'Both of you,' he looked back at Lupin then at Tonks again, 'didn't have the courtesy to tell me…'

Tonks looked at Sirius, then Remus, then Sirius again in alarm. 'I'm sorry, Sirius! We just wanted to wait a bit before we told an-'

Lupin panicked and did the first thing that entered his mind.

'Ouch!' he shouted.

Tonks and Sirius both looked at him.

'What?'

'What?'

There was an awkward pause as his mind worked furiously. 'Ah, it's nothing -something bit me…' He said quickly so nobody would have a chance to say anything more. He stood up. 'Do you want a drink Tonks? Cup of tea maybe?' She was looking at him in confusion. 'Sirius was just telling us off because we didn't let him know that we were okay last night.'

He walked past Tonks to the kitchen and said, very quickly and very quietly, 'When we were both in the different places that we were at separately and not together.'

'Ah,' she breathed. She understood. As Remus made the tea, Tonks began to apologise. She threw her arms around Sirius and kissed him on the cheek, which cheered him up dramatically.

They spent the morning with him, occasionally catching each other's eye. It was strange acting like normal now. Remus tried to avoid eye contact with her, as Sirius had asked him twice now if he was too warm. And Dora wasn't bloody helping, as she kept on laughing for apparently no reason. He'd be damned if Sirius hadn't already worked it out. They weren't exactly being subtle.

It was only that evening that they got the chance to be alone again.

Remus sat on the edge of her bed and rubbed his face with his hands. She stood and watched him. She kept on noticing things about him that she'd never realised before; the way he twisted his hands when he was anxious, or the exact colour of his hair, or how pointy his left canine was, or how when he smiled there was a little wrinkle that appeared in left corner of his mouth that she just couldn't stop herself from staring at.

'I feel guilty about Sirius.' He interrupted her thoughts.

'Me too,' she agreed. 'I don't like lying to him.'

'And I get that feeling that he already knows everything about me anyway.' He replied, furrowing his brow.

'He probably does.' She grinned. 'You two are like an old married couple.'

Lupin laughed and his eyes suddenly seemed very full of memories.

'You should have seen him and James.' He said fondly. 'If it hadn't been for James' exceptional affinity for Lily and Sirius' exceptional affinity for… well, for women in general, I wouldn't have put my money against those two getting together.'

Their laughter soon faded into an affectionate, sad silence. Remus looked at her.

'Want to go out tonight? I think I need to get number twelve out of my system.'

'Yes,' he grabbed his jacket. 'Yes, me too.'

The pair of them left her flat, and not too long afterwards they were sat side by side at a table in the corner of The Leaky Cauldron. Remus held up his drink a little.

'Well, here's to Sirius.'

'To Sirius.'

They drank, probably a lot more than they intended. But the conversation was good. Remus kept on noticing little things about Dora that had skipped his attention before,like how she seemed to stare at his mouth a lot, or how the tips of her hair sometimes seemed out of her control as they would occasionally flush different colours, or how it took her a little while to work out her left from her right, or how she pronounced her r's. He could listen to her talk all day.

He saw a familiar flash of white under her sleeve and noticed something.

'How long have you had that bandage on now?' He asked, frowning. He took her wrist gently to inspect it. 'You burned it, right?'

'Yeah,' she replied a little breathlessly.

'Do you want me to have a look?'

'No, I'm fine.'

'Are you sure? I'll ju-'

'Just,' she pulled her arm away and pulled the sleeve back over it. He looked at her. 'Leave it.'

'Okay,' he responded, only looking a little concerned and embarrassed as he refilled her glass. His eyes darted from the bottle to her arm and back.

It was several drinks later that they got to the most interesting part of their night. They were sitting with their heads very close together now. Tonks was staring at him, her head propped up on her hand. The question had been a surprise to both of them. She didn't know why she asked, but as soon as the words left her mouth she felt her curiosity grow.

'Have you ever been in love, Remus?' Her tone was gentle but serious.

He lifted his eyes to stare glassily at hers, studying her. After a couple of seconds he licked his lower lip before answering, 'Yes. Have you?'

She didn't answer for a moment but looked at the dregs of the wine she was swirling around in her glass. 'Yes.' She shut her eyes, opened them and then took the last sip. 'But that's a very pathetic and depressing story.'

Lupin looked at her with concern. 'I'll bet it's not as pathetic as mine.' He said reassuringly. There was an element on self-loathing to his tone.

She replied with a bitter smile. 'I wouldn't be so sure'

He furrowed his brows. They were both very drunk. 'You first.' He half whispered.

She looked back at him and they both stared, each willing the other to speak.

'Fine.' Tonks let herself take a couple of deep, gentle breaths. 'Okay. Well it years ago now. I'd been in Auror training for about… two years.' He didn't say anything, just listened. 'His name was,' - it seemed like this was difficult for her to say but he waited patiently- 'Damien. He was in the Auror training programme with me.' She looked a little uncomfortable. For the first time, he spoke.

'Go on.'

She took a deep breath. 'Well, he was very handsome.' She remembered as a bitter smile twitched at her mouth. 'All the girls loved Damien Anderson,' she chuckled. 'Dark hair and diamond eyes, he had.' She said, remembering, but not fondly.

'He called me 'Twonk.' She blurted. 'When I first introduced myself, I fancied him like anything, so I was nervous and my name came out as "Twonk",' she explained to a smiling Lupin. 'And I was Twonk form then on. They always went to the pub after training, the boys. It used to annoy me like you wouldn't believe because they never bloody asked any of the girls along. If you met the girls in Auror training… well, they could drink any of those guys under the table. Twice.' Lupin laughed. She continued, encouraged.

'He invited me one day. And when we got there, he bought drinks until neither of us could stand up straight and then we were kind of… after that we were just kind of… dating. It never really started officially. We were just dating and it was really good. He treated me like an adult, and I was desperate for that, I think. Mad-Eye never liked him; he thought Damien was arrogant. He was right. But I was just smitten, I suppose.'

Lupin brushed his lips with the side of his hand absent mindedly, watching her.

'And it started off really well,' she told Lupin, tracing her finger around the rim of her glass. 'But then… he started getting weird.' Her insides went cold and she concentrated on her finger outlining the glass. 'Like, he got jealous, all the time.' She suddenly became aware of the words as they left her mouth. How hard and permanently they hung in the air.

'I didn't mind arguing with Damien.' She assured Lupin. 'I actually kind of liked it. He was the only one who could match me.' She smiled but stopped quickly. He watched her with an expression she couldn't read. She waited for a long time before she carried on. 'But then there'd be a little shove and I'd shove him back and it was okay because he treated me like one of the boys and I loved him - or I thought I did. Same thing, really.' Remus was looking at her with a suddenly very attentive expression. 'But there was one time…' She couldn't seem to continue. Lupin moved his hand from his face to the table so quickly it alarmed her, but he didn't move after that. He looked a little frozen. 'It didn't carry on for long. Not at all. I left him a week later. I should have left sooner, but I could stand up for myself and I'd convinced myself I could stand up… well, I left eventually. It was me being stupi-'

'No.' The word was definite, dangerous. 'It wasn't your fault.' His eyes flashed with something she hadn't seen before. It almost scared her. 'Does he still work for-'

'Oh, no. I don't know what happened to him. I haven't seen him really since. I don't want to.' She trailed off. 'I haven't exactly told anyone that before so…' and much to her surprise she felt a hot sensation spring up and prickle in her eyes. She didn't really know what she wanted him to say. Nothing really, she supposed. She just wanted him to know. She'd wanted to say it. She hadn't wanted to cry, though. She didn't want to cry about it. Damien Anderson wasn't worth crying about.

Remus felt a sudden tide of guilt over his less than adequate reaction, as well as a heartbreaking feeling of sadness and a surge of anger. He pulled her into his shoulder and she hid her face in him. Had that been what Moody meant? He should be 'surprised' that Tonks could look after herself? He thought about how Damien Anderson – the name made something hot claw at his insides – had disappeared. He would be surprised if Moody hadn't had something to do with that. Lupin lowered his face and pressed his lips against the top of her head.

'It was before the war,' he murmured against her hair. 'I had been very unemployed for much too long…'

It was becoming more difficult to screw and unscrew the lid to the firewhiskey bottle in between drinks as his hands became less steady. He fumbled at the neck of the bottle, unscrewed the lid and flung it across the room. Who was he kidding? Closing one eye, he squinted down the neck of the bottle then leant back and rested his head against the wall. How had he got on the floor?

He should be feeling something right now; he should feel something, grief, something. But the scary part was the he didn't. He felt hollow and he knew that was the drink. He wasn't an alcoholic, even though that's exactly what an alcoholic would say. It was true. Though recently, Remus Lupin decided he'd had enough. He was alone. He was incapable of any type of relationship, not that any girl would want to date a werewolf anyway, and he had no job, could do nothing but sit around in his house all day being useless and hiding. Werewolf rules and regulations had been getting worse and worse over the last few months. Dolores Umbride was behind it. She was a particularly foul, fresh, pug ugly new face to the Ministry, intent on making the lives of people like him so bad that eventually even surviving as a werewolf would become impossible under Ministry law.

Not to mention Lily. Yes, that was right. He mustn't forget the fucking icing on the steaming cauldron cake of piss that was his life. He was in love with Lily Potter, his best friend's wife. There was nothing more to add, really. He couldn't even look at her without feeling like his heart was being stamped on by a herd of trolls. Not to mention imagining her with James, one of his oldest and dearest friends. The knife of guilt twisted at his insides, turning the emotion to anger. It was easier to deal with anger. He couldn't get a job and he couldn't go out, not as a werewolf, anyway. He didn't want to see his friends or his parents. So here he was. On the floor, on his own, hiding from the world.

Albus Dumbledore had done a lot of things for him as a boy to secure his future. If only he could look at him now. He was a failure.

He clutched onto the bottle. He didn't like getting drunk. He didn't do it much, not at all really, but today, today he just needed to stop himself from over thinking things. See, Remus did that a lot. He thought too much. And the more he thought about things, the more painful they became.

The owl from his mother still sat, just opened on the table.

'I'm sorry, dear, dad's gone.' It was good of her to send it. He hadn't seen, or made contact with her for a long time.

And Lupin felt nothing. Hollow except for a dull kind of disappointment that he knew was intended for himself. He still couldn't remember how he had got on the floor.

With a sinking feeling in his heart, he heard the front door creek. He wasn't in the mood. He grabbed the letter, crumpled it and stuffed it away in his bookshelf.

A flash of red hair and a voice made his insides crumple as easily the parchment had.

'Remus…' she said tentatively. She had seen him. He kept his face resolutely in his hands.

'Please.' Remus' voice was heavy 'Please, go away.'

'James sent me.'

Remus didn't answer. They both knew he knew that was a lie. James was furious with the way Remus had been acting. Lily had snuck over because James wasn't talking to him. He didn't look up.

She felt sorry for him, pitied him. And it was because of her kindness that she'd come over. Not because she loved him. She didn't love him like her loved her.

Remus tried furiously to stop thinking about her, petrified that his thoughts would somehow spill out of his mind and into hers. But the pain of unrequited love and the absence of his friends just after his father's death stirred anger in him. The small part of him that knew it wasn't their fault had gone. She wasn't helping. She thought she was, but she wasn't. She was just adding more pain, and he didn't want to cry. He wouldn't cry in front of her.

'Do you want something to eat, Moony?' She was in the kitchen, bustling about. He heard the kettle begin to boil and then suddenly she was a lot closer to him. He could hear her voice next to his ear as she crouched down. 'Why don't you let me take that.' She sounded worried but kept her voice calm, as if she were talking to a temperamental child. She pulled the bottle gently out of his hand. He let her do it and didn't look at her. Eating was the last thing he wanted to do. He felt on this brink of being sick. Was he really never going to see his father again? His face was flushing. He wanted her to leave. He didn't want her to look at him. He didn't want anyone to see him.

'James and Sirius are just worried about you, Remus,' she said gently. The calm tone and patience in which she spoke infuriated him. 'James doesn't mean-'

'Yes, what did he mean, Lily?' He looked up suddenly at a shocked Lily. 'Tell me what his intentions are. Tell me how lovely he really is, please.' She was stunned. Remus didn't talk to anyone like that, ever.

'I'm just trying to help.' She retorted, obviously stung. 'James shouted at you because you need to sort yourself out. And frankly, he's right.' She looked guilty again and put her warm hand delicately on his shoulder. 'We're worried about y-'

'Oh, piss off, Lily.' She removed her hand quickly. 'Good news. You and James can go back to bitching about what a failure I am sooner than you thought because for once in your life, you don't have to go out of your way to try and prove to the world how perfect and amazing Lily Evans obviously is because I am really, really not in the mood for you fake sympathy bullshit today.' He spat his words out like a venomous snake. 'But really, thank you for your consideration.'

Something flashed in Lily's green eyes and he knew he had done the job. He knew there would be guilt later but he pushed it down.

'Fine.'

She hoisted herself upwards on the wall and headed straight for the door. Remus didn't watch her leave but heard the door being thrown open and slammed shut again. He sighed in relief. She had gone. There was a moment's silence.

'Actually, no.' Her voice made him jump. She hadn't left, but had in fact changed her mind in the process, slammed the door shut once more and turned to face him. 'I don't know,' her voice was shaking, 'what has happened to you recently, Remus. But since we last checked, being a werewolf does not change our opinion of you, nor does it put you in the centre of the universe. So I am struggling to see why you think…' She trailed off, unable to finish. '…Anyway. I came over to tell you that Mark is dead.'

The news hit Remus like a punch to the stomach. James' cousin, who had joined the order about a month ago, who had made Dumbledore laugh out loud with his joke about the dancing mandrakes…

'So if you wanted to join us in any 'fake sympathy', they're burying him on Wednesday.'

'How did he… how?' He didn't seem to be able to get out his words properly.

'How do you think, Remus?' Lily's voice rose considerably. 'It wasn't from sitting on his arse in his living room feeling sorry for himself all day.'

With that she left for real, slamming the door so hard his windows shook.

Suddenly Remus felt very, very sober. As he nearly empty bottle rolled across his floor, he realised several things at once. He wasn't in love with Lily. The feeling in the pit of his stomach when he saw her was pure jealously, not love. James and Lily had each other, and for some ridiculous reason that had made him think he was alone. Remus couldn't sit there and think on it for long. If he sat still for any longer, the self-disgust would make him physically ill.

He grabbed the crumpled letter out of his bookshelf and stood up shakily. He opened his front door moments later to find Sirius' face staring at him, his arm raised as if he was just about to knock. They looked at each other and Sirius asked with a frown, 'Where are you off to?'

Remus' voice shook but remained unbroken. 'I'm going to go and see my mum.' Sirius stared at him in surprise. After a couple of seconds silence Remus did the bravest think he had done in weeks. He handed Sirius the letter and asked, 'Will you come with me, Sirius? Please.'

Sirius nodded and his shaggy black hair revealed both of his brilliant grey eyes. They walked together into the village. Sirius began to read the note in his hand.

'Oh, Remus,' He looked up, his mouth ajar. 'I am so sorry.'

'No,' he swallowed. 'I am. I'm sorry, Sirius, just-' he looked down at his feet and something lifted from his shoulders. 'Just don't feel sorry for me. I'm okay.'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah.'

'We're your friends, Remus, we are. Let us.'

And it sounded silly, he explained to Tonks and she drank and stared, captivated. But the word, the idea, friend, was so warm and perfect that it was astounding to him that he could have thought of Lily as anything else.

'I might have been in love with her,' he said as he truly drained the last of his drink. 'I might have been in love with the idea of being in love. Or maybe,' he sighed, 'I was desperate to plunge myself into as much self-pity as I could by wanting what I couldn't have.'

'I'm sorry,' she said quietly

He looked up with a concerned frown. She knew who he was thinking about. And then he surprised her.

'This is serious, isn't it Dora?'

'Why do you-'

'I need to know.'

'Yes, we are.'

I love you. It was as good as saying it, but neither of them did. As they stood up to leave they both realised the same thing at the same time.

Tonks hadn't been in love, she knew that now. She could feel it in her bones. Not like this, anyway. Because she didn't think it was possible to love, to care for anyone more than she did the man in front of her. She followed him and he reached out a hand for her to take hold of as they walked down the steps side by side. She had no way of knowing that the man holding her hand was thinking exactly the same thing.

Zain's throat hurt from talking so much. If somebody could throw down an argument, it was Beth. And if somebody could throw down an argument backed up with a definite physical threat, it was pregnant Beth. The rain pelted against the window of his creaking attic.

'I am so sorry,' he murmured, voice close to breaking. 'I got you into this mess. I got myself into this mess.'

'You know, I didn't believe it.' She half whispered back, her strong welsh accent shining through even in her exhaustion. 'I knew you weren't, you couldn't be. You're a good man, Slasior. I don't know why you want to hide it from the world so badly.'

'And you're really…' He pointed to her small bump and slid off the side of the bed to join her on the floor.

'Yes.' And with no permission from her brain, a grin started and spread across her face, from ear to ear.

'Is it mine?' He asked, teasing her.

She laughed and hit is arm. 'You're a bloody idiot.'

She kissed his cheek and he shut his eyes, both of them oblivious to Rookwood making his way up the garden path.

'Are you going to do something in the way of food?' She asked. 'Because I won't lie, I'm going to fucking eat you in a minute if I don't get something.'

'What do you want?' He asked, jumping up and then crouching again in front of her. 'Anything you want.'

'Anything?'

'Anything.' He moved his face closer.

'Anything?' She moved closer too.

'Tell me what you desire.'

She laughed again. God he had missed that sound. 'Mmmm…'

They were interrupted by three loud raps on the door. Zain was on his feet in a second and Beth's eyes became the size and shape of galleons.

'Stay here. Don't make a sound. I'll see who it is.' He shut the door behind him and hurried down the stairs. A few moments later he was greeted with the sight, once more, of Augustus Rookwood standing in his doorway. He was twirling his wand in his long fingers, a casual threat.

'I need you to get me that password, Zain. Or I'll have to get it myself.'

He could've sent an owl, he could've waited until they were both at the Ministry, but he had come in person. It was a tactic of intimidation. Zain knew Rookwood would do anything to bring that password to Voldemort and looking into his hard, dangerous eyes, he believed it.

There you go. Again thank you so much for reading and I am so sorry for how long this took. If you have the time I'd love to hear what you think. Take care xxx