My Biggest Mistake Was Letting You Go

"And when I had to crawl,
Well, you crawl too,
I stumble and I fall,
Carry me through,
The wonder of it all is you,
See me through."

~ from Crawl by Superchick

Chapter 1: Realization

When I saw you there, lying on the ground, swimming in your own pool of blood, I lost it. Not because one of my friends had been killed, not because your immobile sight brought me to my knees, but because of those 3 little words you told me right before you were brutally beaten and stabbed.

"I love you."

I didn't know what to think, what to feel, how to operate. I was frozen, my eyes wide and my mouth slightly gaping. That was the first time I heard someone tell me that. The first time someone told me that they loved me. You saw me, you knew about me. What people called annoying, you found intriguing, what people found stupid, you found funny, when I was seen as a demon, you saw me as an angel. You saw me as perfect. As a role model, as an admirable person.

Finally, someone who always acknowledged me! Someone who loved me for who I was! But then you were taken away from me in the blink of an eye. And when you were taken from me, the pain I felt, was unbearable, was indescribable. I had to find a way to get away from it, to get away from the burning sensation igniting my skin. So I gave in to it. I gave into the pain, to the anger, to the frustration.

But I must thank you for that. You gave me the chance of meeting my father, the Yondaime Hokage. He brought me down from my rage, allowed me to see sense again.

When I came to my senses and I found out that you were still alive, the relief I felt was like a thousand weights being lifted off my chest.

After I defeated the enemy, I wanted to see you, to respond to your confession although I had no idea what I was going to say, no idea what I was going to do. I thought it'd just come to me when I saw your beautiful, safe, being once again.

No such luck. I was busy, preoccupied with the war going on. I had to put you second, however, in my mind you still came first.

I met you during the war. I wanted to tell you then but I decided against it. It wouldn't be very romantic of me to tell you my feelings while being surrounded by dead bodies, now would it? But I will tell you one thing, speaking to you made me genuinely happy. It made me feel a sense of warmth by just seeing you were still ok, still fighting.

The war went by quickly and after a long, hard battle, I finally brought him back. I brought Sasuke back. But that's not it. Baa-chan also made me Hokage.

Seeing Sakura meet Sasuke with a hug, it reminded me that her heart could never be mine. That the confession she gave me truly was fake. A tiny part of me hoped that it wasn't and it could actually be true, but I knew it wasn't, she knew it wasn't. But that knowledge also reminded me that I had your heart.

So after the big celebration, I went to look for you. And trust me, I had to really look for you. I don't know what it is about you that always makes me overlook you. It's like you've found a way to get under my radar.

I found you outside, sitting on the steps of the Hokage mansion, dressed in a breathtaking simple white kimono with a lavender obi tied to hug your waist. It revealed the body your bulky clothes hid. Gorgeous I might add. I'm sorry for taking my thoughts there. I am the pupil of two perverts after all.

You were sitting there quietly, sipping some tea while humming a silly tune.

For some reason, I thought it'd be a good idea to try and surprise you with my appearance. But stealth isn't my forte. I'd say it's my worst forte really. My feet would always make some obvious stomping sound. Too bad I didn't remember that sooner though.

However, it's a good thing that as I crept towards your figure, the floorboards didn't creak and neither did any animal give me away. It was going great until I activated klutz mode and tripped down the steps.

My eyes were wide and I yelled your name. By the time you turned around, it was too late. My body crashed into yours and we both landed on the grass. I managed to wrap an arm around your waist and use the other to curl your head into my chest though. It was probably a good thing that your tea landed a good 10 feet away from us. That way, neither of us got soaked as the cup shattered.

We were on the ground for a while, remaining motionless except for the rapid beating of our hearts. I didn't know if you could hear mine. I'm sure you could though. It was thumping in my ears so loudly. I couldn't hear yours though… so maybe you couldn't hear mine? We stayed like that for exactly 2 minutes and 47 seconds. I know this for a fact because I counted it.

When I opened my eyes, ready to face the fact that you would punch me into oblivion for touching you, I saw the slight shift you made.

When you shifted, your silky midnight-blue hair rubbed against my palm. I wanted to run my fingers through it but I decided against it. I was in enough trouble already.

Unable to take the suspense any longer, I spoke first. "Hinata… I'm so sorry for what happened. I was trying to surprise you and… it went wrong."

My breath got hitched in my throat when the most beautiful thing took place before me. You slowly raised your head up, uncurling from what was like a little ball, and your eyes found mine. They were so pretty, looking like swirling pearls of lavender. I was so captivated by the innocence they portrayed that I missed whatever it was that you said.

So like an idiot, I asked, "What did you say a while ago?"

You began to pull away from me. I really didn't want you to though. You were so soft and warm. "I said I didn't know why you would want to surprise me."

You were sitting up now, your fingers playing in the grass and your eyes looking anywhere but mine. You were trying not to begin your "finger-poking" habit again, weren't you?

I quickly sat up and crossed my legs, although it was very hard in this dress… no kimono. Baa-chan made me wear it. It was simple and blue. Sakura wouldn't let me wear the orange one. She said it was a fashion hazard and way too bright… Said the woman who wore a blinding pink kimono tonight…

I sat only 12 inches away from you, just looking at you.

"I-Is there something you'd like, Naruto-kun?" you asked. But your eyes were still avoiding mine.

"Stutter," I said teasingly.

For a brief second, you flickered your eyes to mine, but you soon darted them away again. You were smiling. "If that's all, I'll just be going no-"

Before you could get up and leave me, I quickly blurted, "No that's not it! I … have something I've been meaning to… say to you…"

"O-Ok."

It took me a while before I could say anything. I didn't really have anything to say. I was just hoping to wing it. "It's about… your confession…"

I could hear you suck in a deep breath. You were forcing back a blush. "Yes?" you squeaked.

"I-I just wanted you to know that it was very flattering and that I really appreciate what you did for me… You were so brave and you risked your life for me Hinata! Your life!… Your confession was truly one of a kind and… Hinata, I-I"

By now, your head had been raised and your eyes were boring into mine. They were filled with hope and dreams.

"Yes, Naruto-kun?" you said eagerly, your back arching forward.

"I… I"

"You?"

"I'm not sure if I love you back yet!" I blurted out foolishly. That was not what I wanted to say. I wanted to say that 'I-I think I love you too' as I've said so many times in my dreams. "Can we be friends though? Until I can sort things out? Until I can decided if I'm ready for a relationship or not? Would you wait for me?"

I said it and I'd done it. I crushed your hopes and I set fire to your dreams. As my eyes searched yours for a response, I found extreme hurt and disappointment.

"I-I'm so sorry, Hinata. I-"

I was interrupted by your giggle. You were smiling now and your eyes were soft and caring.

"Huh?"

"I-It's okay Naruto-kun," you said. You took your hands in mine and gave my fingers a little squeeze. "I would love to be friends with you and I would wait for you. I always will. Even if you never return my feelings."

My heart stirred and threw itself against my ribcage as if trying to reach you. That wasn't what I wanted to say! None of it! Things could've gone differently! Or maybe they couldn't have. Maybe that was how I truly felt.

I found myself smiling. "You would?" You nodded. "Thank you,… Hinata."

I wrapped my arms around you and pulled you closer to me. I hugged you tight, smelling the lilac of your hair as I rested my head on your shoulder.

We remained like that for over 10 minutes. I counted up to 5 but then I got lost in your warmth.

I didn't feel the one tear you shed on my kimono, neither did I feel when you withdrew from the hug.

"But before we can be friends," you whispered, "Before I wait,"

I opened my eyes and met yours. They were filled with want, sincerity, desire and care.

"Can I just do… one thing?"

"Whatever you lik-"

Before I could finish my statement, you pressed your lips onto mine.

I looked at you, shocked. But your eyes were closed.

The feel of your lips on mine felt like… like… my words couldn't describe. My words were insufficient, unworthy to describe my emotions.

I closed my eyes as I kissed you back, emotions flooding my brain. I yearned for you, I felt like I needed you. It was my first kiss (… with a female). Was it yours?

You were about to pull away but I dived in for another kiss. I pulled you onto me and the both of us fell upon the grass. You ran your fingers through my golden hair and pulled me in for another one of your divine kisses.

My emotions were on overdrive. A kiss wasn't enough. I wasn't sure it would ever be.

As I was about to divulge further, you pulled away from me and rested your forehead against mine. I intertwined my fingers with yours and breathed in the cool night air.

"I'm sorry," you whispered, "I just wanted to know something… And now I know."

I wanted to say don't apologize but I kept silent.

Before I could say anything, it was too late. You ran away and left me on the grass, wondering what the kisses meant.

When I finally got my body to cooperate with me, I ran back into the party, looking for you. When it was hopeless, I asked Kiba for your whereabouts. He said you left a long time ago and didn't say where.

Meaning you could have been anywhere.

No one else would be able to tell me where you were as 95% of the people at the party were drunk off their asses. I could tell because Neji and Gaara were dancing on the tables with people cheering them on and asking for certain articles of clothing to be removed.

I decided to run after you. No one would notice my absence anyways. After 20 minutes of clones hopping around Konoha, you were nowhere to be seen. Wherever you were hiding, I couldn't find you.

And I knew if I didn't find you tonight, nothing would ever be the same between us and the friendship we haven't even started would be ruined.

I searched and searched until I finally found you. I yelled your name and got your attention. Before I could do anything about it, I fell to the floor due to chakra exhaustion.

The next morning, I woke up feeling dizzy. By the look of the white ceiling, I knew I was in the hospital.

I turned to my right and saw a head of midnight-blue hair. Attaching the hair to a face, I found you. You were sound asleep by my bed.

I took the chance to caress your face. It felt smooth.

My moment of tranquility was ruined though when you stirred. I quickly retracted my arm and watched you wake up. You looked cute.

You smiled as you noticed me. "You're finally awake, Naruto-kun. How are you feeling?"

I sat up and grinned. "I feel great. Did you bring me here?"

You nodded. "You collapsed after one of Tsunade-sama's wine bottles hit you in the head."

"Huh?" I was puzzled then. I was wondering why you were lying to me.

"You probably wouldn't remember. The damages were really bad. That's why your head was all bandaged up. But it's healed now, though."

I touched my head and indeed there were bandages. But I saw what I saw and I felt what I felt. I knew there was no way you were telling the truth.

"But I hope you do remember asking me to still be friends. Because that would be awkward if you forgot when I said yes."

"That's all?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did anything happen after that?"

"Tsunade-sama's wine bottle hit you in the hea-"

I squared your shoulders and shook you hard. "Why are you lying to me, Hinata? Don't you remember what happened afterwards-?"

I quickly stopped shaking you when I realized I was scaring you. "W-What do you mean?"

The way you denied it. It was irritating me. "Why are you lying, Hinata!" I shouted.

"N-Naruto-kun, I'm not lying about anything," you whispered.

You were such a good actress. You nearly had me believe you when you started to cry. "W-Why are you crying?"

I wiped away your tears.

"B-Because, I-I really don't know what y-you're talking about and y-you're yelling a-at me and…"

I hugged you and stroked your hair. "Shhhh. I'm sorry. I was wrong. Maybe I imagined what happened. I'm sorry. Just don't cry."

As your whimpers softened, you met my eyes and to my face you lied again, "I won't. It's not your fault. You were probably just having a lucid dream."

I pulled you back into a hug. "I'm glad we're… friends… Hinata."

"Me too."

As soon as I was discharged from the hospital and we went for ramen as friends, I realized why you did it. You didn't want things awkward between us so you lied to me. Even though you knew that's the one thing I hate most. Even though that was the one thing you too hated most. But even I can't stay mad at you. Our friendship is more valuable, more important.

That's also why during our months of friendship, I never told you the one thing I discovered as soon as your lips left mine. I loved you too.