Title: The Lights Go Down.

Author: eyrianone

Rating: T

Summary: Cat's out of the bag for both of them, and Castle is crushed in the wake of the truth - because if she cares for him at all - then how could she do this?

Spoilers: Thru Season 4.

Disclaimer: I hope 'Via Lethe' won't mind if I pinch my favorite disclaimer of all time from her – 'Words are mine – World ain't.'

A/N: Someone asked AM whose secret he thought was worse - 'Castle's' or 'Beckett's'.

He answered very diplomatically by saying either had the potential to be relationship dynamite. Most people seem to think Castle's secret is the bigger one – and that Beckett lying about what she remembers, knowing he loves her and denying it is something that Castle will just brush off with a smile and a shrug as long as she tells him how she feels.

I disagree. Not that I don't think they will make a far bigger deal of Castle keeping Beckett out her mother's case – which is done out of love. Pure love, because he knows what it might cost him when he one day has to tell her, but he's putting her life before anything else including his own heart and his own happiness. Kate's secret on the other hand – personally I see what she's done as way, way worse – don't hate me – I love Kate – but what she did was cruel and self absorbed. I was really shocked by it when I saw 'Rise' – I'm still shocked by it now. This is my exploration of that.

Night is falling, and the drive to his Hampton's home has been accomplished, even if the journey itself is a total blur. He remembers none of it. Just his frantic and overwhelming need to get out of the city fast; to move – to flee – to outrun this crushing, debilitating pain insistent on burning its way through his chest. Castle leaves his SUV parked haphazardly in the large circular driveway, he's the only one here and he cares absolutely nothing for appearances at this moment. Stumbling out of the drivers' door he's clinging to the hope that the ocean air will prove more easily breathable than the city's. A hope that fades on a single choking breath as the agony in his chest persists, and for a brief moment Castle wonders what in the hell he's doing.

Surviving – his brain supplies as an answer. He's surviving. Because there is absolutely nothing more that he can do.

He has nothing with him because he stopped to pack nothing, knowing that his wardrobe here would suffice, so he lets himself into the huge house and on auto-pilot he climbs the stairs to the first floor. The rambling home is eerily still. Dark and silent it feels as singularly lonely as he does. The author heads to his bedroom, kicks the door shut with a satisfying slam behind him, and falls onto the covers of the California king-bed to lie staring at the ceiling above him in the dimness.

And still her stilted revelation won't leave him.

And though he's tried, it seems he cannot outrun the memories – they all come flooding back.

Kate paces in ever decreasing circles in the reception area of Dr. Burke's offices. It seems both a comfort and mocking mark against her that she already has a scheduled appointment today. A 7am appointment, the first one of the shrink's day - which she is currently eighteen minutes early for. Thankfully Dr. Burke's receptionist shares Kate's propensity to be in the office early, which allows Kate to pace inside instead of out on the street.

The detective has a tepid cup of coffee clutched in a death-grip and a scared shitless look on her normally poker face that she has no remaining energy left to hide. She hasn't slept at all last night, too angry to begin with, but as the fight between herself and Castle escalated anger dissipated and guilt – devastation even took over.

She's never seen him like that before. Never wants to see him like that again. The truth of what she's done to him is no longer a sick theory in her head but a cold hard reality she's terrified she cannot fix.

"Doesn't mean I'm not still angry."

Castle told her that on the swing set all those months ago now – but truthfully after that day he never demonstrated any residual animosity towards her for her three month disappearing act. But that's because there was a crucial piece of his puzzle missing, and now that he has that piece – now that her secret is out – God she wishes angry was what he was.

Angry and upset – they can deal with that.

Utterly heart-broken and completely withdrawing – well she never saw that coming.

And what scares her most is the realization of her own self-absorption. Famed for her empathetic nature she never, not for a single moment saw that she's only like that with the relatives of her homicide victims. Because in them she sees her own past, her own loss, her own desperate need for justice and closure.

Outside of that narrow purview she doesn't exercise the empathy she's capable of, doesn't put herself in others shoes when it isn't directly related to her job. So she took those three months, and she lied about what she remembered and it was all about her.

What she needed.

What she wanted.

What she felt confident dealing with.

And yes - she was the victim of a horrible crime. And yes - she almost died that day. And yes - she was a mess – rightly so - and she dealt with it all in the only way she's ever dealt with things.

But he is her partner. He is the single most important person in her life. He's in love with her – he's deeply in love with her – and he watched her die in that ambulance and then she left him alone with the trauma of it.

She lied to his face and then vanished on him.

For three months.

Thinking she was healing while loving another man.

Doesn't matter that she didn't want him to see her like that.

Doesn't matter that she cannot stand to seem weak.

Why did she not once consider how hard things might be for him?

Partnership is a two-way street.

She imagines what if their roles that day had been reversed – if he'd been faster and taken that bullet as he tried too. If she'd been the one watching his heart stop, the one covered in his blood, begging him to stay with her – the one confessing her heart – only to have him survive – then ask her to stay away until he saw fit to call her.

If he'd coldly told her – what she told him.

She imagines that Gina is still in the picture at this time.

If he'd done all that to her – how would she feel?

Betrayed. Unwanted. Taken advantage off. Heartbroken. Rejected. Unworthy.

Castle is incapable of the first and should never be made to feel any of the others.

Not when he's wanted. Adored. Needed. The one thing in this entire world she cannot seem to live without.

Her Castle is in ruins – and on her shoulders lays the blame.

The detective truly hates herself for her actions right now – hates how she breaks people's hearts. Hates that she didn't see how selfish she was being until the agony in Castle's blue eyes told her exactly what she'd done.

First Josh.

Now Castle.

And if she cannot mend it – if she cannot have him now, when she's finally able to admit that he is ALL she wants – then her wall will become a fortress and she will never be free.

And she isn't prepared to let that happen. They've come so far – Dr. Burke said he could help her – and she's never needed help more than this moment.

Her shrink walks through the door and Beckett feels her knees give a little in relief.