JACK THE BAD TOUCH TRIO AND THE BEANSTALK

Once upon a time there was a poor mother who lived alone with her three sons, Gilbert, Francis and Antonio… um Antonio… ANTONIO, LET GO OF LOVINO RIGHT NOW!

"But Lovino wants to be here" Antonio said.

"NO I DON'T YOU BASTARD!" Lovino yelled.

LET. HIM. GO!

"But why?" Antonio asked.

Because Lovino isn't in this story and, more importantly, because I SAID SO! Now where was I… all they had was an old cow…

"Our mother is not an old cow, she is a beautiful…"

Francis, I was talking about an actual cow, not your mother. Anyhow, one day the cow, as in the animal you find on a farm, stopped giving mil so the woman, as in your mother in this story, had to sell her.

She told Gilbert, Francis and Antonio to take the cow to market and to get as much money as they could for her.

"She just reciting a book" Gilbert said.

"This isn't going to end well" Francis said.

"What makes you saw that? Have you heard this story before?" Antonio asked.

"That and she gave the cow to you Antonio" Francis said.

On their way to market they met a man who wanted to buy the cow. He offered them…

"BEER!" Gilbert cheered.

NO! He offered them five beans for the cow.

"Beans, but beer is so much better" Gilbert whined.

Gilbert, just go with it. So anyway, Gilbert and Francis knew their mother would be very angry if they sold the cow for beans but Antonio wasn't paying attention (I bet he was thinking about Lovino)

"They are very special beans" said the man. "They are MAGIC ! - they will bring you good luck!"

"Yeah right" Gilbert said.

"Like that will ever happen" Francis said.

"They will make your true love fall madly in love with you" the man said.

"SOLD" Antonio said.

"NEIN!" Gilbert said.

"NON!" Francis said.

So Antonio did think this through and gave the man the cow in return for the magic beans (as if they will make Lovino fall in love with him).

As you can imagine, their mother was furious with them when he returned home with no money at all, just a few beans.

"It was Antonio's fault" Gilbert and Francis said.

And what was stopping you two from stopping him?

"You" Gilbert and Francis said.

Point taken. She threw the beans out of the window and sent Gilbert, Francis and Antonio to bed without any supper beer. Poor Antonio! He really thought that the beans were magic. Now he felt just… put down the pillows and leave him alone! Hey, Gilbert, stop strangling him!

Next day they woke up but it was very dark in their bedroom as if it was still night.

"That's because it is still dark" Gilbert says.

"Come to me Arthur, you know you want to" Francis mumbled.

"Lovino, come to boss Spain" Antonio mumbled.

"They're still asleep" Gilbert said.

I can see that now WAKE UP! They looked out of their window and all they could see were lots and lots of dark green leaves. They seemed to disappear into the clouds.

"They were magic after all" Antonio said.

"Are we drunk?" Gilbert asked.

"Non, I still have all my clothes on" Francis said.

"Good point"

Without stopping to think (as if they ever do), they climbed out of the window and started climbing up towards the clouds.

"BOSS SPAIN IS COMING LOVINO!" Antonio yelled.

I said climb not run. How the hell did he do that?

"That includes you, Francis" Gilbert said, dragging Francis up behind him.

Seriously, how are you doing that? The story said climbs up not walk or run up like some kind of frickin' ninja.

"We're just that awesome" Gilbert replied.

In no time at all they were at the very top of the giant bean stalk, well Antonio didn't waste time getting up there. They jumped off into what seemed to be a cloud!

"I can see our house from here" Antonio said.

"I can see the pub from here" Gilbert said.

"I can see Arthur from here" Francis said, "OH ARTHUR!"

"GET LOST GIT!" they heard Arthur yell.

How the hell did he hear you? Forget I asked.

They could see an enormous house in the distance and wanted to know who lived there.

They went up to the front door and knocked.

Suddenly the ground started to shake and a terrible pounding sound of footsteps hurt their ears. The door was opened by the biggest man he had ever seen. It was a GIANT !

"HOLY SHIT, IT'S IVAN!" Gilbert yelled.

NO IT'S NOT... HOLY SHIT, WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?

"I was board" Ivan replied.

Okay, just don't make a mess.

The bad touch trio plus Ivan ran away round to the back of the house to hide. Well it's more like they had to drag Ivan round to the back of the house, I think he was planning on hitting the giant's big toe. Luckily, the giant was so big and they were so tiny, he didn't see them. BUT he could smell them!

"You mean he can smell Ivan" Gilbert said.

The giant roared in a voice as loud as thunder...

"Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an English man!"

"Nein, we're not English! I'm German!" Gilbert yelled.

"French" Francis said.

"Spanish" Antonio said.

"Russian, da" Ivan said.

Does it matter?

"Yes" they all said.

Fine, the giant roared in a voice as loud as thunder…

"Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of a German, a Frenchman, a Spanish man and Russian! Be they alive or be they dead, I'll grind their bones to make my bread !"

Happy now?

"Perfect, now on to Ivan's demise" Gilbert said.

Ivan, don't hit him, I mean it. At this point they are supposed to act terrified but… well I think Francis is the only one who's afraid.

"I think he wet himself" Antonio said.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Gilbert cried.

"Eeeww, I think we're standing in it" Ivan said.

Ignoring the pee on the ground (can't believe he did that), they rushed round the house and bumped into a very large lady. It was the giant's wife. She quickly told them to hide in the cupboard and before they could argue, she pushed him into the cupboard and shut the door!

Inside the cupboard they found lots of gold coins. They each put one into their pocket, thinking it would please their mum.

"Screw mum, I'm taking mine to the pub" Gilbert said.

When the noise died down, the giant's wife opened the cupboard and gave them some breakfast. She told them however, that if they weren't careful the giant would eat THEM for HIS breakfast!

"Unlikely, Ivan would give him indigestion" Gilbert said.

They thanked the giant's wife politely for breakfast and ran away down the beanstalk as fast as they could… where did Ivan go?

"To buy vodka" Gilbert said.

Their mother was so excited when she saw the gold coin she kissed them… FRANCIS, NOT THAT KIND OF KISS! She told them how clever and brave they were.

"Listen to her, acting as if it never happened" Antonio said.

Because it didn't! Anyway, when she heard about the giant she made them promise never to go there again (I bet they have their fingers crossed).

"We promise" they said, but had their fingers crossed behind their backs.

I knew it. As the days passed, they kept thinking about their adventure. They really had enjoyed all the danger and they kept thinking about all the giant's gold.

"All that beer, we'd be set for life" Gilbert thought.

"We could be rich!" Antonio thought.

"At least someone is sticking to the script" Francis thought.

So, one day, when their mum wasn't looking, they snuck out of the house and climbed the beanstalk again!

When they got to the enormous house, the kitchen door was open so they went to hide in the cupboard again. But, oh dear ! the giant could always smell them.

"I bet it's Francis he can smell" Gilbert thought aloud.

Suddenly they heard the roar...

The giant thumped around for a while, but could not find them. Luckily, they had found the cupboard again and hid in it… where's Francis?

Antonio and Gilbert shrugged their shoulders.

You pushed him off the shelf… how did you get up there anyway?

"I. AM. AWESOME!" Gilbert said.

"Can you say that a little louder? I don't think the giant heard you" Antonio said.

After a while, the giant became tired of looking and fell asleep in his chair. Then they saw an amazing sight. It was a beautiful hen laying what seemed to be golden eggs!

"DINNER!" they yelled.

What, no! Listen, you're not going to eat the god dam bird. You are going to grab it and make a run for it back to the beanstalk.

"Then we eat!" Antonio said.

NO! GILBERT, I'M ONLY GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE, STAY AWAY FROM THE BEER!

After I finally got them down the beanstalk (I still don't know or care how Gilbert got into the beer glass), their mother could not be angry with them for long when she saw the golden eggs that the hen could lay (thank god they didn't eat it). They became quite rich and everyone was happy, even the hen ! But that's not the end of the story...

"WHAT! But Gilbert is drunk" Antonio and Francis said.

After Gilbert had sobered up, they became bored, they thought of the giant's kingdom above the clouds and wanted so much to go there again.

"What?" Gilbert yelled.

"Seriously?" Antonio asked.

"But we were just there" Francis moaned.

Stop your whining, it's all part of the story. So get your asses back up that beanstalk or so help me I will make you all feel pain no man has ever felt before and ever will.

"Okay, okay, we'll go" they said.

This time they managed to peep through a window and spy on the giant. They was amazed at what he saw and heard.

The giant was listening to music from a harp. But, no one was playing the harp! It played music and sang beautifully all by itself!

"Our mother would love that harp" Antonio thought to himself.

"Not if I get to her first" Francis thought.

"Is it me or can we read each other's minds now?" Gilbert thought.

That's the power of storytelling.

Soon the giant was lulled to sleep by the magical music. They saw their chance, climbed through the window, grabbed the harp and ran off to the beanstalk (yes it takes all three of them to carry it).

They hadn't gone far however, before they heard those terrible words again...

"Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of a German, a Frenchmen and a Spanish man! Be they alive or be they dead, I'll grind their bones to make my bread !"

The giant was thundering after them!

Francis was terrified but Gilbert and Antonio made sure he kept on running. They got to the beanstalk and climbed as quick as they could, but to their horror, the giant also started climbing down after them.

Gilbert was very quick and as soon as he got to his house, ran to get the... chainsaw?

"When did we get a chainsaw?" Antonio asked.

"Doesn't that belong to Alfred?" Francis asked.

"I 'borrowed' it from him besides axes take too long" Gilbert said.

He chopped down the beanstalk and the giant came crashing down with a tremendous thud. And that was the end of him!

"Wasn't that Roderich's house?" Francis asked.

"Bwahahaha!" Gilbert laughed.

Gilbert, Francis, Antonio and their mother had all the money they could ever want thanks to the hen and Francis and Antonio were never bored as they loved to listen to the magical harp.

"What about me?" Gilbert asked.

I'm getting to you. As for Gilbert, Elizaveta found out what he did to Roderich's house and chased him with a frying pan. When she caught him she dragged him back to Roderich's house and made him rebuild it.

So they all lived happily ever after.

"Nein, this is not a happy ending!"