A/N: If you're taking this seriously, you've had too much to drink. ;) My friends and I were discussing the strange slash pairings that are rampant in the Harry Potter forum and decided that this was the strangest slash pairing possible. This is just making fun of the oddities one sometimes discovers on the stranger sides of Fanfiction.

Disclaimer: You had better be thanking God that I don't own Harry Potter.

Once upon a time, in a land far overseas, there was a man. Well, he was really a rat, unless one prefers to view him as a rat turned into a man. Either way, he was part-man and part-rat, and this is his story.

Peter Pettigrew was raised in a nice, average wizard home. He was a hidden genius – a secret brain, if you will. His stupid parents always ignored his genius in favor of his brothers. It didn't matter that Anthony went on to become an Auror, or that Brian went on to become Order of Merlin, First Class: Peter surpassed them both and became a rat.

Our hero became a rat during his tenure at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The reason he became a rat was because he was copying his own hero: James Potter. The first time Peter saw James, he knew.

This was his one true love.

James was perfect. He was popular, gorgeous, and smart. He was so truly dedicated to his friends that he made himself an Animagus to keep his werewolf friend Remus Lupin company on the nights of the full moon. Peter became an Animagus as well – to keep them company, not to keep watch to make sure nothing but friendship was between them. Wherever would one come up with that idea, pray tell?

Peter was positively smashingly brilliant: but he was the only one who could see it. Clearly James was unaware when it came to Peter's sheer unmatched genius. After all, he started dating that lout Lily Evans, when she was obviously the one for poor Severus Snape.

Our rat-man/man-rat knew Snape's pain. And the pain only grew to alarming heights as time passed. Peter graduated Hogwarts, couldn't find a job, was kicked out of his father's will, and was hunted down by a large pale man that rather resembled a skeleton.

It was no surprise that Peter told on James and his whereabouts. Wouldn't you? James was a cruel master of unrequited love, and Peter had stopped him in his malicious tracks.

That was, of course, what Wormtail said.