Let Me Go
by CC

The morning sun shone down through the trees bordering the backyard, dappling the grass with light and shadow. The lilac bush beside the porch was in full bloom, its delicate scent perfuming the late spring air around him while Cougar gently rocked the porch swing back and forth as he absently watched Jensen play a game of tag with Beth.

Now that Max was dead at last and their names were cleared, the sense of purpose that had kept them all going in the aftermath of the clusterfuck in Bolivia was gone. It was a relief to be sure but now the team, which had been together for so long that the thought of not being with them was like facing the loss of a limb, was breaking up and going their separate ways.

Clay was going back in the military, having been offered a promotion and a desk job, teaching small units tactics at the Spec Ops school at Ft. Bragg. Pooch had decided to open his own automotive design business in Springfield and Jolene was thrilled to have him home full time. Roque was dead, of course, and somehow Cougar just couldn't muster up any regret for that kill. Whatever feeling of comradeship Cougar had for the Captain had died the day he betrayed them. Aisha had simply disappeared back into the woodwork, much to his relief. That puta had been loco and it was a miracle that she hadn't gotten them killed. Cougar was just glad to see the back of her and hadn't bothered to find out where she was going. Now all that was left of a once tight-knit unit was Cougar and Jensen, and not knowing what else to do with himself Cougar had come along without argument when Jensen had assumed he was coming home with him to New Hampshire.

Jensen had a variety of job offers in software development and computer security firms were fighting over him.

Cougar, on the other hand, had been in the military since he was seventeen years old and had no clue what to do with himself as a civilian. His entire skill set was designed for combat and there wasn't a whole lot of call for a sniper outside the military or law enforcement. After so many years in covert ops he knew he was a bit too unconventional for law enforcement, if he could even pass the psych evals. He could go back in the military again he supposed, but the thought just made him flinch. He was bone deep tired, and sick of all the death and destruction. But above all he would sooner trust a snake not to bite, than trust the CIA ever again.
Once his world had been black and white. He got his orders, took out the target, and kept his team safe. Now? Now the world was so many shades of grey that he couldn't see which way to go.

All he had to his name was ninety-three dollars and a restored '82 Chevy Pooch had given him. No home, no prospects and more PTSD than anyone should have to deal with.

He sighed as he watched Jensen... no, not Jensen; Jake. He had to try and remember that now. The problem was the name 'Jake' just stirred up long suppressed and hidden longings. As long as he was Jensen he was a teammate and it was easier to keep his feelings locked down. Now, however, there was no real reason to hide anymore. Except... Cougar was broken inside.

Jake deserved so much better than he could ever offer. He didn't know how he was going to bear it, but it was time to say goodbye.

Decision made, he stood up and made his way to the door. He paused and cast one last longing glance over his shoulder. "Adios, mi amor. Puede llevar la vida que todas las cosas buenas que se merece," he whispered. May life bring you all the good things you deserve.

*****
Jake looked around the house wondering where Cougar had gotten off to. The last place he checked was his bedroom and it was there he found the letter propped up on his pillow where he couldn't miss it. His name was written across the front with Cougar's familiar scrawl.

He sank down on the bed and read it with a sinking heart. Cougs was gone and wasn't coming back. Jake set the letter down with a snarl. "I don't fucking think so, pendejo."

"He left?" Jackie asked.

Jake nodded and reached for his helmet and keys.

"So you're going after him?" She leaned against the doorjamb with a slight smile on her face.

Jake turned and stared at her, his heart suddenly full of doubt and a flash of fear. "You don't think I should?"

"Of course you should, you idget. You love him." She shook her head at her brother's obliviousness. "Seriously, you would think by your age you would have hopped on the fucking clue bus."

He froze in his tracks, a look of trapped panic etched across his face. "I..."

"Don't, Jake," Jackie snapped. "Don't lie. Not to me and not to yourself! You and Cougs have been dancing around this for years. Don't you think it's about time to man up and admit it?" She pinned him in place with a look that said 'don't fucking make me come smack you'.

He blushed and sank down on his bed. "You're making an awfully big assumption here, sis."

One eloquent eyebrow rose as she watched him. "Am I? And what, pray tell, would that be?"

"You're assuming he feels the same way. You haven't seen him. The man is so straight he takes home three girls at a time. Shit! Jackie, the man walks into a bar and women line up to throw their panties at him. How the fuck am I suppose to compete with that?" He bowed his head. "What the hell was I thinking? If he really wanted to he would have stayed."

"What did they look like?" Jackie asked.

"Huh? What did who look like?" Jake stared at her.

"The women, dumbass. What did the girls Cougar picked up look like?"

Jensen cocked his head. " Mostly blondes. Why? What does that have to do with anything...OW! What the fuck?" He rubbed his head where she had smacked him, his eyes full of confusion.

"Jacob Andrew Jensen! They look like you, you idiot! Now, you get off your pathetically stupid ass and you go, right the fuck now, and catch him before you lose the best thing that will ever happen to you! That man has been pining for you for years!" She leaned over him with a fierce expression on her face, the same one that sent grown men running for cover, the same one that had made even William Roque back off and the same one that had cowed her brother into doing whatever she wanted for years. "He... loves... you, you idiot!" She punctuated each word with a poke at his chest. "You've just been to stupid to see it, and he's afraid to tell you. Now GIT!"

He scrambled to his feet and paused only to grab his bug-out bag and kiss Jackie on her cheek before he dashed out, taking the stairs two at time. Beth pressed herself back against the wall to get out of his way. She looked up the stairs at her mother quizzically as he passed her without even a glance.

"Uncle Cougar ran away." Jackie explained sadly.

Beth's eyes widened and she ran after Jake without a word. Dashing into the yard she yelled. "Uncle Jake! He went that way!" She pointed down the street to the left.

Jake smiled as he straddled his bike and pulled his helmet on. He gave her a wave and with a screech of his tires he took off after his friend.

*****
As the miles slipped by under his tires Jake thought back to the first time he ever saw Cougar. It had been in the middle of a bar fight and Cougar had reached out and snagged his shirt, pulling him out of the line of fire when a big Marine tried to crack his pool cue over Jensen's skull. He looked up into dark brown eyes that stole his breath away and made his heart leap, but the sight of dog tags swinging against golden skin made him throttle down the surge of want. He settled for just grinning at the sniper with blood running down his face from a split lip and one eye already swelling shut, and dived back in the fray. Cougar had laughed and jumped in after him. Between the two of them they had put down half a Navy SEAL team. After that night he had seen the sniper around post, and had even gone out drinking with him a couple times.
Then one day Clay had shown up with an offer. The team's tech had bought it on some mission in the Middle East and Cougar had suggested that Jensen, who had been sitting around on his ass, bored out of his mind, just might be Losers material. The rest was history and for years now they had been a team. And for years Jensen had squashed down his feelings and refused to even entertain the thought of more.

Cougar was his best friend and he couldn't take the risk of losing that. It never occurred to him that Cougar would ever think about him as anything other than a friend and teammate. But if Jackie was right then he had to find Cougs ASAP. Hell, even if she was wrong Carlos was still his best friend, and he didn't want to lose him... ever! Life without Cougar at his side was just unacceptable, and he was going to convince Cougs of that even if he had to handcuff the fucker to a chair until he came to his senses.

*****
Cougar pulled into a rest stop to eat the sandwich he picked up at a gas station. He climbed out, dropped the tailgate and sat down. He listlessly nibbled at his makeshift meal. With misery riding shotgun his mood had deteriorated with every mile, and now he wasn't sure if he would be able to keep driving anymore tonight. The one problem with the stuffer style of coping was that sooner or later the bottle was full and the top popped off, and then he had no choice except deal with his feelings. He was rapidly approaching that point and it was better to not be driving when it happened.

He hopped down and dug his sleeping bag out from behind the seats and rolled it out in the bed of the truck, putting his backpack down as a pillow. That would do for the night and wouldn't make him dip into his dwindling funds. He had to find work soon or he was going to end up stuck someplace without even enough money to move the truck.

He swung his legs as he watched the cars on the freeway go by. So many people, heading so many different places. All of them in a hurry to get where ever they were going. And here he was adrift in life without a single tie left. Oh he could go home to his family. But they would never understand when he woke in the night and paced the halls desperate for sleep but fearing it as well. His momma would look at him with worried eyes and she would want him to talk about it. She would never understand that he couldn't. Not just wouldn't, but couldn't since their missions were classified.

His papi, well he would try and understand, but what did a teacher have in common with a soldier? How could his padres ever understand the things he had seen and done? They were good people, peaceful people and he was a man who war had shaped into someone who reacted with violence more often than not. No, for their sake he could not go home. Maybe for a visit, but not to live.

He bowed his head as a sudden surge of loneliness washed over him, and with that surge he was unable to keep his feelings at bay any longer. Could no longer pretend or hide, because the truth was, without Jensen he didn't have a home any more, and he never would. He missed Jensen with every fiber of his being. Missed the cheerful chatter about anything and everything, the steady cadence of his voice that soothed Cougar and reassured him that they were still there, still alive, still moving forward. Missed watching his back, keeping him safe. Missed his curiosity and quirky sense of humor. Missed his smile that lit up a room and the twinkle in his blue eyes when mischief reared its head and whispered in his ear. Missed his quicksilver intellect and wonder at the world that not even years as a soldier and a fugitive had managed to destroy.

Not that Jensen was perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Hell, sometimes the man had less common sense than your average Yorkshire terrier. No one disputed that he was brave, sometimes to the point of recklessness, but when someone he cared about was threatened he just could not seem to keep his mouth shut. Cougar had seen him use that to divert the attention of the enemy onto himself more than once. Taking a beating so his teammates were hopefully left alone. It drove Carlos crazy when he pulled shit like that. Made him want to rip them apart with his bare hands, because Jake was his. His to protect, his to love, his... to let go.

*****
The setting sun was casting a golden glow over everything and the shadows were stretching out far behind him as the day drew to a close. Jake knew if he didn't find Cougs soon he was going to have to stop for the night, or he might end up passing him in the dark. As it was Jake almost missed him, only catching a flash of yellow out of the corner of his eye as he barreled down the road, at way too fast. He turned his head just in time to recognize Cougar's truck but he couldn't make that turn without going down so he slowed the bike and half a mile down the road spotted a wide spot that let him pull over enough to turn around. As he pulled into the rest stop he spotted Cougar sitting on the tailgate of his trunk with his head bowed, his face hidden behind the brim of his hat and a pair of aviator sunglasses.

Jake shook his head as he parked and swung off the saddle. He pulled his helmet off and dropped it onto the mirror. He stretched for a moment, working out the kinks from his long ride. Cougar never moved as he watched and other than the slow rise and fall of his chest even pigeons could mistake him for a statue. Jake pulled out his cell phone and called his sister.

"Jacks, I found him. Don't know if we will be home tonight or not. I'll call when I can." Jake kept an eye on Cougar as he spoke, keeping his voice low so he didn't spook the sniper. It didn't appear that he had even been noticed yet, which was both a relief and a worry.

"Don't come back without him." Jackie said.

"I won't." He snapped the phone shut and slipped it back in his pocket. He stood there for a few minutes contemplating the best approach, running various starters through his head. Nothing sounded quite right, so he shrugged and decided to wing it... as usual. He grinned at the thought, remembering how it used to drive Clay mad when he mouthed off, but what the hell. It had always worked before for him, so why would now be any different?

He walked up and stopped a few feet away from the truck. He frowned when Cougar didn't even look up. They might not be on the most wanted list anymore, but for Cougar to not be hyper aware of his surroundings was a stark indicator that something was seriously wrong. "So where are we headed?" he asked, doing his best to keep his tone mild and matter of fact.

Cougar's head snapped up and he had his sidearm out and pointed at Jensen before he did much more than register someone was standing there. "Meirda!" he snapped out as he holstered his weapon. "Jensen! What the fuck are you doing here? Are you trying to get shot?"

"Course not." Jake snorted and hopped up on the tailgate next to his friend. He nudged him with a shoulder. "You forgot something this morning."

Cougar eyed Jensen warily. "Que?" He wracked his brain trying to remember what he could possibly have forgotten. It wasn't like he had much, a few clothes, his weapons, and the truck.

"Me." Jensen said seriously. "You forgot me, Cougs. Oh, and I'm gonna need to stop and pick up a few things. You didn't give me much time to pack, so all I've got is my bug-out bag. Now... where are we headed?"

Cougar stared at him bemusedly. "Jensen, didn't you get the letter I left you?"

"Yeah, I read it." Jake waved a hand dismissively.

"Then you know. You've got it good here. You don't need to be saddled with a friend going nowhere."

Jensen looked around and then grinned cheekily. "How's about Texas?"
Cougar sighed as he turned to give Jensen an exasperated look. "You're not listening. I'll just get in your way. You don't need me anymore." He stopped as Jake turned on him with a fierce expression.

"Bullshit!" He poked Cougar in the chest with a finger. "Don't ever say that again. I will always need you around."

Cougar batted his hand away. "Stop Jake. I'm nothing but a drifter. Stop holding on, just..."For a moment his breath hitched, and he closed his eyes as he said, "let me go. Don't you know, I'm no good for you?"

The desolation in Carlos' voice made Jake want to cry and gave him hope all at the same time. "Nice try. But you can't hide behind those shades there on your face, or that fucking hat." He reached out and plucked the glasses off Cougar's face and dropped them into his lap. "Ya see, I don't think you all that tough and I don't think you really want to leave. Jacks said..." He stopped suddenly unsure whether he really wanted to go there. If she was wrong it would change everything and he would lose Carlos for good. Maybe it was better...

Cougar stiffened and leaned away, his shoulders suddenly so tense and tight his head ached in sympathy. He clutched the glasses hard, though he barely noticed the metal bending under his fingers. His heart thumped in his chest so fast and furious that he was sure Jake would hear it. The fear that maybe he hadn't hidden his feelings as well as he thought he had was almost overwhelming, but he had to know. "What did she say?" he whispered.

Jake turned to look at him and Cougar saw fear lurking in his blue eyes. Suddenly something wild and reckless crossed Jensen's face and determination took the place of fear. He leaned into Cougar's space. "She says you love me, but you're afraid to tell me. Is that true?" His voice was low and intense as he stared into Carlos' dark eyes as if daring him to lie.

Cougar felt his heart sink as the words washed across him. Damn that woman! Jake was straight as an arrow and Carlos didn't think he could bear to see the disgust that was sure to be there if he admitted the truth of his feelings. Why the hell couldn't Jake just have let him go? Why did he feel the need to push the issue? Couldn't he just have allowed Cougar the dignity of quietly slipping away? How could he tell him that he had loved him for years? That without Jake his life had no meaning?

He took a deep breath. All he had to do was say no, and it would all be over. Jake could go home unburdened with the knowledge that his best friend wanted more than he could give. But he had never, in all the years they had been friends, lied to Jensen, and to do so now, would be a violation of the trust they had between them. Caught in a trap with no way out, he said the only thing he could. "Si.." He closed his eyes, refusing to watch trust and friendship turn into something else. He held his breath waiting for Jensen to leave, so he could fall apart in peace.

Jake let out what could only be called a quietly triumphant laugh. "Thank God," he murmured.

"Que?" Cougar's eyes snapped open in surprise and he sat up straight, staring at Jensen in shock. "What did you say?"

"I said," he said louder. "Thank God." He grinned at Cougar. "Te amo también."

Cougar blinked. Of all the things Jensen had surprised him with over the years, this was the last thing he had ever expected to hear. "You..." he stopped, trying desperately to organize the thoughts skittering around his mind like a pack of puppies running in all directions while he tried to gather them up. "Jensen... Jake. You don't have to..." He stopped again, looking confused as Jensen slapped a hand across his mouth shutting off the stuttering flow of words.

"Shut the fuck up and just listen. You're good at that. Carlos. I've loved you since... shit! I don't know, like... forever. I never said anything, cause I didn't want to screw things up with you. And the army and the team, you know? All that shit. But mostly cause I figured that you were like, so far out of my league I would never have a chance. And I thought, he's straight, so just keep my hands and mouth to myself and don't like, rock the fucking boat, ya know? I was happy with whatever you could give me. But now..." He looked over at Cougar hopefully. "Take me with you, Cougs. I won't take up much space." He dropped his hand with a nod.

"Jake! All I have to my name is $93.00, the truck, and my guns. I am no good for you and it would only break your heart. You don't need me. " Cougar protested feebly. How could he convince Jensen when he wished with all his heart to give in? "You can do a lot better than me. You can have a good life..."

"Not without you I can't. Let me go with you. Carlos, I belong where you are. Please... take me with you. I'm good for you." Jake's heart sang as he saw the wavering in Cougar's brown eyes.

"Jake..."Cougar fell silent as Jensen hopped off the tailgate and moved to stand in front of him.

"Cougs, just answer me one question. And I will know if you lie to me, so don't even try. Do you want me?"

Cougar felt like Jake's blue eyes were boring a hole right through his soul laying bare every hidden dream and desire. He shut his eyes and shivered, as what his heart wanted warred with what his mind insisted was best for Jensen. He felt Jake move closer, then strong hands threaded through his hair, cupping the back of his neck, and soft lips brushed his. Jensen rested his forehead against Carlos', his breath washing over the sniper's face, bringing warmth to his chilled cheeks.

Jake's voice was low, intimate, and sensual, barely above a whisper. "Answer me, Carlos. Do you want me?"

Cougar couldn't hold it back any more as the answer burst out. "Yes!" He opened his eyes and stared into Jensen's. He placed a trembling hand on Jake's chest and bowed his head as he whispered. "God help me, I do."

"Good. I want you, too. So, let's go get something to eat and find a motel. And then tomorrow we can decide if we are gonna go back to Jackie's or someplace else. And together we can figure out what we... we, Carlos, as in you and me, can do to keep life and limb together. 'Kay?" He smiled brightly as Cougar nodded slowly.

"All right, but..."

"No buts, Cougs. We'll work it out." He pulled the sniper into a quick hug. "There was a truck stop about ten miles back. We can eat there and get the bike up in the bed of the truck. Then we can go get a room for the night. Sound good?"

Carlos nodded again, grateful that Jake was making the decisions. At the moment he was so overwhelmed he wasn't sure he could jump off a cliff without directions.

Jensen followed Cougar into the restaurant and the two settled into a corner booth. He frowned when he saw Carlos glancing at the menu and then set it aside, opting to just order coffee. "Cougs, can I ask you something?"

Carlos glanced at him curiously and nodded.

"If I had no money and I was hungry, what would you do?" Jensen asked.

The sniper sighed and picked the menu up again.

"Don't sigh at me. How many times have you paid over the years?" Jake stared at Carlos intensely.

Cougar looked up with a wry twist to his lips.

"And don't take that tone with me. You know it's true." Jensen shot back.

Cougar's eyebrows disappeared behind the brim of his hat.

"Yes, you did take a tone. You think I can't hear it? So just shut
the fuck up and get something already."

Carlos rolled his eyes and chuckled silently, but when the waitress came to take their order he asked for a cheeseburger and fries.

Jensen waited until she was gone before speaking again. "Thank you."

Carlos nodded and sat back watching his partner expectantly. He knew it wouldn't take long before the silence was filled.

"You were awfully chatty earlier and now you're back to just talking with your eyes?" Jensen said slowly. "Good thing I speak Cougarese huh?"

Cougar shrugged and looked away uncomfortably. "What would you have me say, Jake?" he asked.

"Well, you could start with where we are going." Jensen grinned at him.

Carlos shifted in his seat before he sheepishly admitted. "I... I don't know."

"Well that makes two of us then. Cause I have no clue either." Jake said wryly.

Somehow Cougar knew he didn't mean a physical destination. He frowned. "You have all those job offers," he reminded the hacker.

Jensen laughed. "What? You think I would make a good corporate drone? Just put on a tie and do the nine-to-five?"

Cougar carefully set his coffee down and frowned at Jake. He had been so wrapped up in his own misery and uncertainty that he had never considered things from Jensen's point of view, but he was right. The corporate world was not a place that Jake would fit into easily. Oh he had the skills, but he was too far outside the box to function in that ridged world. Hell, truth be told, he wasn't even in the same state as the box. "Shit. We're screwed."

Jensen's blue eyes twinkled behind his glasses as he raised his eyebrows and leered at Cougar suggestively. "Excellent plan, amigo. Let's get right on that."

Cougar snorted. "Down boy."

The motel they found was just like every other one they had ever stayed in; cheap, run down and generic. Jensen snorted. After all these years it felt more like home than home did. He flopped down on the bed and watched as Cougar prowled around the room restlessly.

"Cougar! Dude, settle down." Jensen snapped exasperatedly.

Cougar didn't respond, just continued checking and rechecking the doors and windows as if the routine was on auto-pilot. For all Jensen knew he was, his mind busy elsewhere.

Finally Jake got tired of watching his partner try and wrestle with whatever was running through his head. "I'm gonna go take a shower." He climbed out of the bed and headed for the bathroom, leaving Cougar staring after him uncertainly.

He was pulling off his t-shirt when Carlos appeared in the door. Jensen looked at him in the mirror. The sniper was standing in the doorway with a forlorn look in his dark eyes that was in complete contrast to his normal unflappable demeanor. "What? Look, Cougs, if you don't want this, just fucking say so!"

Cougar frowned. "I do! Just... Mierda!... I've never..." He turned to leave, pulling away roughly as Jake put out a hand to stop him.

"Cougs, just fucking talk to me! This isn't easy for me either, ya know?" Jensen followed him back into the room.

"Hell, I know that!" Cougar shot back. "Shit, Jake! I never said it was!"

"Then would you please, stop acting like a fucking virgin afraid I'm gonna fucking rape you or some shit!" Jake shook his head as Cougar spun around with a fierce expression.

"Fuck you, Jensen!"

"I'm trying dude, but you keep running away!" Jake snapped back.

Cougar stared at him for a second in bemusement, then he snorted and his lips twitched up just a bit.

Jensen smiled hopefully. "Come here."

Carlos took one leery step toward him. "Why?"

Jensen rolled his eyes and stepped into Cougar's space. He reached up and plucked the hat off his partner's head and tossed it on the bed before tangling his hands in Cougar's dark silky hair. "You know," he said conversationally. "I have waited years to do this."

Cougar tilted his head up and looked into Jensen's clear blue eyes. There was uncertainty under the determination and Carlos had the sudden urge to chase away that fear. He leaned into his partner and tentatively bushed his lips against Jensen's.

It was just a whisper of a kiss but it was enough and for a moment they both got lost in the wonder of it. Then urgency took over and they were vying for dominance, tongues and teeth and hands tangled together. They stumbled to the bed, frantically removing clothing in a bid to get to bare skin. Jake fell backward taking Carlos down with him. He rolled, pinning the sniper to the bed under his greater bulk and kissed him until they were both breathless and nearly incoherent with want.

*****

Later... much later, Jensen lay with his arms wrapped securely around his lover, silently listening to the sound of Cougar breathing as at last he slept. Probably the first good nights sleep he'd had in months. He gently ran his fingers through Carlos' long, dark hair. He thought about the future and wondered where it was going to take them. He chuckled quietly. Well... wherever that might be and whatever they might end up doing, as long as Cougar was with him, he would figure it out. But one thing was certain; he was never going to let him go.

L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*L*

A/ N : written for Secret Santa gift exchange for Peaceful_sands December 2011

Song Prompt : Let Me Go ~ Christian Kane