Chapter Five: The Motivation

Dr. McNinja did a bang-up job putting all of their kidneys back in. He'd even gone and undone the damage Tony'd done to his through some sort of miracle of medicine.

So naturally, The first thing he did upon regaining this function was to go to Stan's Place for a drink.

"You look tense." A Bruce Banner said to Tony. "I know some meditation techniques that –"

"Oh, go smash something." Tony scowled. He took another swig of his drink. He'd always prided himself on his alcohol tolerance, but there were times when he'd drunk enough to put the Hulk to sleep. And he didn't care if he woke up in bed with a zombie, he didn't want to remember today.

Somebody else came up to Tony then. "Drowning your sorrows in hard liquor?" The man asked.

Tony looked him up and down. He didn't look like anybody he knew from his own world. "Yep." He joked. "I just got my kidney cleaned up today, and I have to catch up on years of abuse."

"Yeah, been there. Of course, I've probably been everywhere. Count yourself lucky you've never had to duel a lizard over a ladies honor."

Tony scoffed. "You think you have it hard? Try going on a date with a zombie."

"Oh yeah? How about you go ahead and deal with a lovesick Loch Ness Monster. Then tell me how sad your life is."

"Sure thing, but only after you trick a god of mischief into giving you the key to his whole invade-planet-earth scheme."

"Oh please, dealing with tricksters is my entire job. Have you ever had to hijack a plane to save the life of the son of the man who killed your brother?"

"I'm an only child, but I guess you've never got over the fact that your dad left your mom because he was crushing on somebody you thought was your best friend?"

"Is that what this is all about?" The guy scoffed. He grabbed Tony's drink out of his hand. "It's getting to easy to drive people to drink these days." He said, throwing the drink over his shoulder.

"Hey!" Tony grabbed the guy by the coffee stain tie. "I don't know who you think you are buddy, but nobody gets rid of my drink!"

"That's probably because you're a sourface who doesn't have any friends!" The guy stood up. "You want a fight? Where, and with what?"

"In a cave with a box of scraps!" Tony'd rewinded that bit of his movie a couple of times. He had to admit, the face Stane made as he yelled that – priceless.

"You're on buddy, I'm going to go all Wile E. Coyote on you!"

"Or…" The grizzled old wolverine tending the bar gingerly took their drinks away. "You could just go to the Superbridge fight club.

They exchanged looks. "That'll work." Tony said. He held out a hand. "Name's Tony Stark. Let's go get our fight on."

"Eddie Valiant." The other guy shook the hand. "But you're gonna wish you'd never heard my name."

The Fight Club stuck out like a sore thumb in the Superbridge's Olympics segment. Its neon logo was exactly the same as the title of the Fight Club movie. Sure enough, when they walked in, a Brad Pitt look-alike was there chewing bubble gum inside.

"Go on in." He said. "Arena 7 will be free in just a moment."

"You're going down beer gut."

"In your dreams tin can."

The Fight Club was a dingy old building on the outside, but on the inside it was pretty state of the art. It had a classic four sided boxing arena, with stands on one side.

And Tony's jaw dropped when he saw who was in the ring.

Dilios, Astinos, and Ephialtes from the movie 300 were there. The young guy, the old one-eyed guy, and the hunchback. Astinos even had his arm wrapped around some green-clad superhero girl.

And sitting at the stands… no, it couldn't be.

Compared to the rest of them, the man in the middle wearing a short-sleeves white shirt and a tie that didn't fit looked small. But the Spartans still stood at attention when he tapped his clipboard with his pen.

"Alright so, you're all on board with the plan to help out King Leonidas?" He asked.

"Do we have to take our shirts off too?" River Tam asked. Some of the X-men behind her stared. Others chuckled.

"Yeeeeeessss!" Ephialtes grinned from ear to lopsided ear. The girl who had Astinos' arm wrapped around her waist slapped him on the helmet.

"I think we can all agree, that we're ready to lend our aid to your king." Gandalf the White said.

"Oh come on Mithrandir, you can do better then that." The guy with the clipboard said with a smirk.

The eon old practitioner of magicks ancient and deep sighed. He managed to muster the words that he knew were neccesary. The man in front of him seemed to have the humor of a hobbit, combined with the personality of a dwarf. "They shall not pass."

"To right they won't." The Black Knight said behind him.

"On behalf of King Leonidas, I thank you for your help Wizard Dwight."

The 'wizard' Dwight smiled widely. "Well, we're happy to help." He said. "Hey, there's a McDonalds on the way to your portal. You know, in case you don't want to dine in hell."

"Artemis has already introduced me to what McDonalds calls food." Astinos said. "I believe I would prefer hell."

The collected heroes, Spartans, and wizard, made their way out of the arena. Dwight saw Tony and Eddie and walked up to them. "Sorry, did you want to sign in for this too?"

"What's going on?" Eddie asked.

Dwight pursed his lips. "Just a routine hero exchange program deal."

"Hero exchange program?" Tony asked.

"Sure." Dwight twirled the pen around in his fingers. "Sometimes on Superbridge, you get supervillains who think that can just use Superbridge as a bus stop to new targets. Just recently was had an incursion… a smuggler named Zann who's been giving us trouble. He's been passing magical items and other powerful stuff through dimensions. Like, war profiteering."

"The Hero exchange program is countering that. We give heroes a chance to kick *** and take names that they normally wouldn't."

"You do that?" Tony asked.

"Sure." Dwight said. "It'd be bad for business if we let Death Stars through to threaten our customer's worlds." He flipped some of the sheets over his clipboard. "So did you want to sign in Tony?"

It felt strange that somebody would call him by his first name like that. He had to get used to the fact that he was famous on a few worlds.

"No, I'm good."

Dwight shrugged, and left with the others.

Eddie failed to hold back his laughter.

"What are you laughing at?" Tony asked.

"This." Eddie gestured to the arena. "A couple of drunks fighting over who has the worst life. Meanwhile, there are people fighting for their lives."

"I'm not that drunk." Tony muttered.

Eddie shifted his weight from foot to foot. "Hey, you're not really upset about your dad liking your buddy are you?"

"Nah, I got over that. My Cap doesn't even know, and it's kind of hard to stay mad at him."

"So what's got you drinking then?"

Tony sighed. "Do you know what it's like to have someone die in your arms?"

Eddie scratched his chin. "I can't say that I have." He said. "But I've known lots of people who have."

Tony sighed and sat down. "This one time, I was kidnapped. There was a man, Ynsen. He looked up to me, he'd even attended one of my lectures. He saved my life. After that we tried to escape. He got it into his head that he had to buy me some time, and he ran off while I made the final preperations."

Eddie sat down as he continued. "When I found him, he was already dying. And… now I'm a hero. I used to make weapons. The same weapons that the kidnappers used to kill him. And my friends think that my being a hero is some sort of – atonement."

He shook his head. "I made weapons for years, just like my dad before me. He was a patriot, and I'm a patriot, and I don't have a bit of regret about arming Americans to defend our country. It's not about the weapons – it never was. I just don't want somebody to die, knowing that if I was a bit faster, or a bit better prepared, they wouldn't have."

"But they did, didn't they?" Eddie said. It wasn't a question.

"Back home… yes, someone did die on my watch. I was too slow, and Bullseye had a special poison. I only just found out today that the poison came from another dimension. Tyber Zann was right in front of me… I was powered up and ready to take him down. And he took me out in two seconds flat. I almost died… and if Zann wanted to kill somebody else, there was nothing I could have done to stop him."

Tony seemed to finish, so Eddie adjusted his fedora, and whistled. "Well, that's quite a tale. Sorry for calling you a Sourface. You wanna go catch some cartoons?"

Tony grimaced as he looked at Eddie. "That was the worst pep talk I've ever heard."

"Yeah, well, nobody's ever died in my arms but I've lived on the darker side of life too." Eddie said. "I'm not so good with pep talks. I think though, if I just got you to laugh, you'd be fine."

"I haven't laughed in a while." Tony said. "And I don't think cartoons will do the trick."

"Well, you need something to make you remember."

"Remember what?"

"Well, you're upset because this Zann guy beat you up. You'll get your chance with him later. I'll help you. But after a good hour of watching Wile E. Coyote trying and failing to get one lousy roadrunner sandwich, I think you'll feel better about how much you've done in life."

"Like wha –"

"Are you Tony Stark?"

Tony turned around. Behind him, there was a man who looked Japanese and English both. He was wearing a plain white kimono, sandals, and his hair was in a bun.

"… Maybe."

"That's him." The Cheetah sauntered up behind the guy and wrapped her arms around him.

"My name is Samurai Jack." He said, gently placing a hand over where Cheetah's rested on his chest. "My fiancée tells me that you saved her life, and didn't have a chance to repay you."

"… To put it lightly." Tony joked.

"Given how I woke up, you got off lightly." Cheetah smirked.

Tony had to admit, she had a point.

"Regardless… if ever you need a friendly sword, you have but to call, and you will have mine." Samurai Jack bowed deeply.

"Here's our number." The Cheetah leaned over her bowing fiancée to hand it to Tony. "The Superbridge sells inter-dimensional phones. Sorry about the whole…" She pantomimed clawing Tony's face up. Tony gave her a wink that was much more confident than he felt.

Then they left, and Eddie chuckled. "See? So what if you got a bit beat up? At least you actually did what you set out to do and saved peoples lives."

"I'm glad you think I'm more competent than a cartoon coyote." Tony said. But he couldn't help but laugh, just a bit.

"See, you're already cheered up!" Eddie stood. "Now, come on. Life is meant to fill with laughter. Let's go have some fun."

"You know Dalek Sec, this has been really fun." Luna sighed happily. She and Luna were sitting in Superbridge's park segment.

Dalek Sec was preoccupied, analyzing the bonding he was performing of genetic strands taken from a flea, with the genetic strand taken from a human – a king on his world, Aragon. The similarity in the genetics of the two struck Dalek Sec as a lesson in irony, a concept he was just now beginning to grasp. But even as his mind ran the calculations necessary, something that would keep any human supercomputer circa 2020 busy for inordinate periods of time, he found the mental energy to answer her all the same. "I STILL DO NOT KNOW FUN, BUT MY MORALE HAS INCREASED A HUNDRED FOLD."

Luna nodded. "Yes, I suppose it would have. It will be a shame when we go our separate ways."

All of Dalek Sec's computations came to an abrupt halt, like a car hitting a brick wall. All of his mental prowess went towards Luna now, and his eye stalk swung around angrily. "WHAAAT!"

Luna frowned. "What?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT! WHY WOULD WE GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS! EXPLAIN!"

Luna sighed. "Dally… oh, how do I put this…" She patted his dome. "You're not very good at hiding your homicidal tendencies."

"I EXCELL AT HIDING MY HOMICIDAL TENDENCIES!"

She looked shocked. "Dally! Did you have homicidal tendencies you weren't telling me about?"

It took a moment for Sec to realize that he had been tricked into revealing his nature. "WHAAAT!"

"Dally, what do you think of me?"

Dalek Sec almost roared in outrage. "I THINK THAT YOU ARE THE MOST MALICIOUS HUMAN I HAVE EVER KNOWN! I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE A NEW LENSE THROUGH WHICH TO OBSERVE THE WORLD, BUT NO LENSE WOULD SUDDENLY ANNOUNCE IT WAS LEAVING ITS MASTER!"

"Exactly." Luna said simply. "Actually, that's better than I was hoping for. But you know, you don't see me as my own person. Just another piece of your armor. I'm sure that's quite romantic when it comes to Dalek Romance… and even some human romances… but…"

"DALEKS HAVE NO CONCEPT OF ROMANCE!" Dalek Sec said.

"That is obvious." Luna said. She sighed. "Dally, I'm not a pet. It's been fun, but in the end neither of us will be happy. Because you could never be happy." She got up and left.

"LUNA! YOU CANNOT DESERT ME!"

"Don't try and shoot me Dally." She said. "There are a whole bunch of witnesses, and I don't think I'd like it if the Superbridge Security killed you."

"LUNA! YOU INFERIOR HUMAN FEMALE! HOW DARE YOU DISGRACE ME IN THIS WAY! LUNA! LUUUUNNNAAAAA!" Dalek Sec roared to the heavens, if such a place did exist.

How could this happen? How could Luna leave him?

He realized, he had grown attached to her. Dependant. He had adjusted to thinking of her as just another part of him. He wondered what it would feel like if his optical array decided that he was not worthy and left.

Upon consideration, he realized it somehow felt worse since he never should have entrusted Luna with this honor in the first place.

He forced himself to calm down. Anger was an extraordinarily useful emotion. Anger allowed the Daleks to take on the Time Lords and emerge relatively victorious. But only when focused.

So; he was angry at Luna.

Why? Because she had left him.

Therefore, he must find some way to revenge himself upon her.

Being of the Cult of Skaro, he knew the route that would shatter her, the route that would utterly demolish Luna's sense of self, was the emotional route. Oh yes, she would feel his wrath. She would scream in despair just as he'd screamed in rage. She would feel the everflowing fire of a Dalek's power!

And then some blasted fool walked up to him and offered him cake as apology.

Exactly two rels later, there was nothing left of him but a pile of ashes with a cherry on top.

Having killed something, Dalek Sec found his rage much more focused. First, he would understand why she left him, and then he would make her suffer the same agony, before inventing a few of his own.

So why had she left Dalek Sec?

Option one 1: She needed something from him, perhaps the status of having dated a Dalek, and had left him because he had out-grown his usefulness.

Option 2: She was overcome with the weak human emotion of 'love' and Dalek Sec had taught her enough about being a Dalek that she knew if she remained with him she would become weak. He passed by a mirror, and stared at his reflection. He knew he was desirable for a Dalek, but for a human? He preened for a while, adding 'my handsomeness' to the list of things he was learning he 'cared' about.

Option 3: She was a clueless human who did not know what she wanted.

Option 4: She was seeing another potential mate behind Dalek Secs back. Possibly of incompatible gender (Dalek Sec had been more than a little shocked at the revelation that some humans were apparently foolish enough to mate with the same gender, but perhaps Lune 'swung that way'?).

Option 5: Dalek Sec was an incompatible mate for Luna, so she…

What? Where had that come from?

Dalek Sec stopped all thoughts and went back to number five. A Dalek? The source of a problem? How dare he even think such sacrilege?

And yet… he had learned from Luna not to discard possibilities because they seemed impossible.

The first and third possibilities did not seem likely based on previous evidence of Luna. He preferred the second option; he would still have to wreak his vengeance upon her, to teach her a true lesson in strength, but option 2 made him less angry. Not like option 4, option 4 made him very angry indeed.

Why was that?

Dalek Sec stopped.

Why would he be angry about that?

He couldn't find the answer.

His brilliant Dalek mind spun in search of an answer. There was only one, and it hurt. Much like Option 5 hurt.

He… cared about Luna. More than he thought he did.

He cared… but he was still flawed. He still could not fully understand her human mind. He could not understand her any more than… a pet, or a piece of armor.

He was a scientist. And so, he found the truth. He was flawed. He could not understand what an inferior species could grasp at such a young age. Probably the key to why The Doctor had defeated him, time and again.

But he was also a Dalek. And Daleks found solutions.

Searching through his databanks, he did find a solution. It was risky, but no more risky than hijacking a Time Lord prison barge and shooting it through a void ship. As a Dalek, he had taken risks before, and he would now do so again. Because as much as he wanted to kill her, make her suffer, make her writhe like the useless stain upon the universe she was…

He cared about Luna.

A/N: Okay, most of the cameos in this chapter should be easy enough for you to figure out on your own, but; Artemis is from Young Justice, The Black Knight is from Monty Python And The Holy Grail, and Dwight is from The Office. Artemis and Astinos are a couple, having visited the Superbridge before. And these Spartans are not from the movie, but from HISHE's fanvideo parody of the Spartans, which is why Ephilialtes is involved. And I've never actually seen Stargate, so I don't know much about River Tam other then she can beat up everybody and she has her heads permanently in the clouds. Sorry if her line seemed out of character, it just seemed like something a cloud-head would say.

Sorry it took so long to write this chapter. I couldn't think of a way to approach the Tony Stark/Eddie Valiant dynamic. At first, I had Eddie as a Superbridge part-time relief counseller. Ugh. I much prefer it with them two compairing their tales of tragedy, then laughing them off.

And man... writing the inevitable break-up between Luna and Dalek Sec was much much tougher than I thought. It was sweet while it lasted, but Luna's smart enough to realize that dating a sociopathic alien nazi won't work out for her in the long run.