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Chapter 18

Meredith was living with a boy.

Clearly she knew that was a part of the deal when she agreed to move in with her boyfriend, but it hadn't really hit her until moving day had come, gone, and left her staring at Derek's shoes lined up neatly next to hers in the conservatively sized walk-in closet.

He didn't own a lot of things, or rather, he had let Addison take all the meaningless knick-knacks and what-not in the divorce. All he had wanted when they divided the assets was the land here in Seattle, the trailer, and any assets he had originally brought into the marriage. Because of this, moving him into the apartment only took one trip to and from the trailer and two trips for each of them to bring the boxes form the cars up to the apartment.

Derek mainly just brought his clothing, some books, CD's, and a couple odds and ends that blended nicely alongside the few pictures and decorations Meredith had put up.

But it wasn't until she was standing in their closet a couple days later that it really hit her.

Derek only owned four pairs of shoes. One pair of nice, dress shoes, two pairs of sneakers he usually wore to work, and one pair of hiking boots.

Meredith owned a few more pairs compared to Derek's conservative four, but they all lined up nicely alongside each other in the back of the closet. Like all of the rest of Derek's things that meddled seamlessly beside Meredith's. They fit.

So standing in the middle of the closet that now smelled so much like the man she loved, it finally hit Meredith that she lived with a boy.

Co-existing full time with someone who wasn't one of her parents was something Meredith had no experience in and took a surprising amount of adjustment.

She hadn't even had a roommate in college thanks to Ellis's insistence that her daughter have her own room lest she get distracted from her possible roommate's partying or other 'needless frivolity'.

The thing that took the most adjusting to was the simple fact that he was there.

All the time.

It wasn't as if she didn't enjoy his company. She was just finding her days severely lacking in alone time anymore.

She meant to bring it up gently, but every time she started to sway the conversation in that direction, Derek would kiss her shoulder or her cheek and things always progressed to a point where Meredith couldn't even remember her own name, let alone any previous conversation.

This wasn't good.

Derek had just slammed his head light down angrily after calling time of death on their 8th clinical trial patients.

She knew the consecutive deaths were really starting to get to him lately but the sudden outburst had taken her and the rest of the people in the OR by surprise.

Derek had been throwing everything in he had into this trial lately. He had even come up with a new way of attacking the tumor with the virus by administering it on both sides with two needles.

Unfortunately, this patient didn't even make it off the table.

Meredith sighed tiredly and took her time scrubbing out to give Derek a moment to regroup before they had to talk to the family. By the time she was done, Derek was nowhere to be found so she tasked herself with handling the family on her own.

'I'll tell David's family the news. I know you need some time but please let me know if you're okay.'

She frantically typed out the text before hitting send and started mentally preparing herself for the absolute worst part of her job.

It had been two hours and Derek still hadn't responded to her text message. Needless to say, Meredith was beginning to freak out. Actually, she passed 'freak out' about fifty minutes ago and was well on her way to panicked.

'Okay, you can't just disappear like this Derek. I'm just trying to figure out if you're alright.'

She passed caring and sympathetic an hour ago. If tough love was what was going to get him out of hiding, then tough love it was.

Meredith couldn't stifle her sigh of relief when she felt her phone vibrate against her hip.

'I'm sorry. I needed some time. I'll see you at home.'

Stupid, brainless brain man. She sighed deeply before shoving her phone in her lab coat pocket.

Meredith was distracted through the rest of her shift. She had no idea what she'd find when she got home, and to be honest, she was scared to find out.

When she finally made it home, she tentatively opened the door and peered in. Easily recognizing Derek's silhouette on the sofa, Meredith entered the apartment and made her presence known.

"Der? Derek?"

He didn't answer or make any move to indicate that he had heard her so she dropped her coat and purse by the door and walked directly to where he was sitting.

"Derek? Come on, please say something. You're really starting to scare me."

"What do you want me to say, Meredith?"

Words. Words were good. They were riddles with sadness and despair, but still progress.

"Anything. Yell, scream, cry; I don't care. Anything but holing yourself up in our apartment and ignoring me."

Derek seemed to contemplate her words for a moment while he eyed the half empty bottle of scotch on the coffee table. He'd only had a couple glasses since coming home but if Meredith wanted to talk about this, he might need more alcohol.

When he didn't start yelling, screaming, or crying, Meredith continued, "It wasn't your fault. All of our patients are terminal. And David we knew was an even higher risk since he was prone to blood clots. The autopsy showed that's what caused him to stroke on the table. There was nothing you could have done."

"There was," Derek argued suddenly. "I knew the risk was too high with him. I had a feeling we shouldn't do the surgery but we did it anyway."

"He wouldn't have last more than a month in his condition."

"But he would have still had a month! He still had a little bit of time and we took it away from him!"

Derek's unexpected outburst caused Meredith to jump in surprise. However, even anger was better than his previous catatonic stare. "David wanted to fight it," she reminded him gently. "He didn't want to spend his last month letting the tumor keep taking over his body. He told me before the surgery, he wanted to go down fighting."

"I'm just so tired of all the death," he confessed softly, leaning his elbows heavily on to his knees. "I knew it would take time to get it right, but…"

"But what?" Meredith coaxed, placing what she hoped was comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I tried not getting my hopes up. Hell, I warned you at least ten times not to when we first started the trial. But these aren't nameless test subjects. These are people. With lives and families. And I'm just so tired of feeling like all I'm doing is destroying these lives."

The tortured expression on Derek's face completely broke Meredith's already crumbling heart. She moved her hand from his shoulder to clasp it around his own hand as she moved herself closer to her boyfriend.

"You have given 8 people a chance to fight when no one else was giving them one," she stated firmly. "Every person in our trial has been well aware of every single risk involved. It only hurts this much because you care. You care so much about every one of your patients and that's what makes you such an amazing doctor." She paused to push some of his unruly hair out of his eyes. "It's also one of the many reasons why I love you so much."

That last part earned her the beginnings of a smile and his hand moved to Meredith's knee in thanks.

Suddenly, Meredith was struck with an idea.

Ignoring Derek's questioning stare, she hurried straight to the kitchen before rushing back to the couch clutching a bottle of champagne. They'd finally gotten around to having a house warming party and still somehow had left over bottles of wine and champagne since some people had also brought it as gifts.

Plopping down next to a completely confused Derek, she held up the unopened bottle with a small smile. "I know we still have one of these in the fridge and enough wine for the next 4 months, but this bottle is special. This is going to be our victory dance. When we get it right, and we will get it right, we're going to open this bottle of champagne. I promise, Derek."

The strength and sincerity in her words took Derek's breath away. Despite the gnawing doubts still lingering in his head, he wanted nothing more than to believe her.

"How are you so sure?"

Meredith looked him square in the eye and smiled. "You're extraordinary, Derek. I'd be a fool to bet against you."

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