He frequently wished he could control his wandering thoughts.

"But who controls your thoughts if you don't, Gin-chan?" That one time he accidentally let that thought slip through his lips -damn, one more thing he should have controlled, one more thing he shouldn't have done, one more thing that should be kept kept kept in the dark- Kagura had tilted her head quizzically and looked utterly confused.

Gintoki wasn't stupid. One couldn't control his thoughts. He wasn't stupid enough to believe that Kagura believed that one could control his thoughts. He wasn't stupid enough to not notice that Kagura feels exactly the same. Wishing for control, control over one's mind, control over one's past and origins, control over one's fate. Control over the amount of blood that shouldn't have been spilled.

Kagura works the hardest she can to control herself, even when the full moon shines bright and glaring.

Sometimes Gintoki feels ashamed for not trying as hard as Kagura is.

But on nights when the rain just won't stop pouring and the town had nothing but silence, Gintoki cannot stop memories from resurfacing. He cannot stop the nightmares.

"This land is ours! This is the land of the Samurai!"

"Your sword represents your soul! As long as your soul does not waver, as long as you have your comrades, as long as you are alive, your sword will not break! Believe! Strike! Protect!"

"Down with the Amanto!"

"This war is ours!"

Blood.

"There- there was more of them than we thought. They- they couldn't- even with their skills, they couldn't-"

"The 4th unit was completely wiped out."

Blood.

"But- it doesn't matter, right? I mean, of course those people meant a lot to us, we've been through so much together. But we have you right? The Amanto fear you. If you continue to lead us, we can win! Right?"

"…I promise. I promise, with my soul, that I will protect. All of you here, even if there was only one left, I promise to protect."

Blood blood blood.

"I-I think we should retreat. At this rate-"

"Backing up now would only mean that our comrades have fallen for naught! Are you a coward? Do you not believe?"

"That's- That's not it. We believe in you. Of course."

Blood blood blood.

"Ha, I heard that one of your leaders is a demon, a person so strong that all Amanto should fear him. But is he all you've got? Besides him, are all you samurai just pathetic, small fry? Perhaps even that feared leader of yours is just a gutless man."

"DON'T YOU DARE CA-"

Blood blood blood blood blood.

"So your four are the leaders, huh? The best of the lot? This should be interesting, especially with that one in white. What were you called again? A demon… a white storm… ah, that's right."

No.

"The most beloved leader, the one whom everyone believed in, the one who everyone died for…"

Not that.

"Shiro-"

Anything.

Anything but that name.

Gintoki jolted awake. The sun was shining bright.

Huh, it's already day time? Why is it so wet…?

A sea of red flashed in his mind.

He turned around as quick as his sleep-induced body would let him.

Oh, it's just sweat. Did I…

It was only now that he realized that he was panting, with his whole body drenched in sweat.

Oh.

Again.

I must have had that dream again. Did I go to sleep unconsciously thinking about it?

Gintoki slowly got up from the sofa and headed towards the bathroom.

With water hitting against his back, down his scars, almost scathing his skin, -was it because of the hot water, or because of those damn scars and dream?- he once again wished he could control his wandering thoughts.